Why am I so unattached/emotionless in my relationships/bfs? (girls, anyone else like this?)

Question

ever since i can remember, since my middle school bfs i have always been like this..
-they buy me presents.i dont
-they say i love you first, i just say it back so its not awkward
-they kiss me first
-they cry more than me (when we break they always cry and i dont , its uncomfortable for me)
-i hate pda (only hold hands, maybe)
-i have never been "in love"or felt love
-never feel sorry for them, or like i needed them
-harly think about them
...it goes on and on
and im staring to feel like there's something wrong with me.(especially for a girl) anyone else like this girls?
what should i do , is this unnormal

Sparkling · Accepted Answer

I know what you mean, I used to be precisely where you are now. My ex boyfriend used to cry a lot and it'd just make me uncomfortable. It feels weird, it is like everybody else has something you don't have. Like there is something missing, something wrong with you.
But it is okay to feel that way. It is natural, and (most important) YOU CAN FIX IT. If you want to.
The reason you're feeling that way is because you are shutting down your emotions. You feel safer that way. Sometime in your life you didn't want to feel vulnerable, because sometimes, vulnerable hurts. And that is completely okay to feel that way. But when you shut yourself down for a long time you start to forget what it feels like to really feel, to be happy, have fun, feel love.
I would absolutely love it if you would send me a message and talk to me if you feel ready to change, or if you just want to talk to somebody who knows where you are. As I said I've been there and I would feel honoured to be allowed to help you and pay forward what other people have given to me. Changing and allowing myself to be more open to emotions and other people have been a journey for me, the first step, just realising that it was something I did and not something I were. The second for me was to realise that the problem was that I shut down my feelings, I didn't realise that was what I was doing. I was proud not to be a crier, proud to always be the person who could be objective and fair. Proud to be strong and independent, I didn't need anybody. Perhaps you recognize yourself in some of this, perhaps your triggers are different than mine. However if you want help, I would be more than happy to guide you to where you want to be.
And if you want to stay where you are, just know that there is nothing at all wrong with you.

Ladyegg67 · Accepted Answer

I know exactly what you are going through.  I've been married for over 20yrs and I didn't actually love my husband for the first couple of years.  I knew I liked him a lot but like you I don't cry or enjoy public affection.  I didn't kiss first I still don't.  But as far as love goes the best way to describe it for me is if I think about him passing away, I do get really upset. I can't imagine how living with out him. You would never tell we don't hug , kiss or even really talk. We can go fir a road trip an not talk for hours. Don't wait to feel love. Look for the qualities you want. Love is not the same for everyone.  The hardest part is finding a man as shut off emotionally.  That's why I married young , I would date men that said it would be great to date a girl the doesn't talk constantly, ask what are you thinking , call or texting constantly. But alas they couldn't take the cold shoulder. I found a man who was true to his silence.  We know that we're different and it's almost like us against the world now. We are closer than ever without saying anything. That will be your biggest hurtle to jump. Good luck. Oh me and my husband worked together at one point for 3yrs and our coworkers never knew we were married.  We never hung around each other and neither of us wanted to waste money on jewelry so no wedding rings.  We did get a kick out of it. We don't keep pictures of each other or even sleep in the same room. That's going to be your biggest problem, finding someone on your emotional level. Good luck to you.

shygirl16 · Accepted Answer

I felt like this for a couple of years. Several people who were really close to me were killed several years apart, and I felt absolutely no emotion when they did. I eventually figured out its because I never allowed myself to be seen as vulnerable, I never showed anyone my struggles or pain. Once I started opening to other people this kind of feeling went away.
As far as the guys go, I've also been like this my entire life. Too often a guy will flirt with me, and I'll flirt back simply for the ego boost. I have never in my life actually liked a guy. I've been attracted to an attractive guy, but never wanted to actually spend my time with them. I'm not lesbian and don't find girls attractive, I just haven't met "the guy" yet. My friends joke that when I finally start dating, they'll start planning the wedding. I think some people just don't like someone until they actually find some one worth liking. This has saved me a lot of heartbreak, even though I've had lots of teasing from friends. I don't think anything is wrong with you, you just don't conform to societal norms of what a young adult should be. You'll be fine, just open yourself up to your friends, and don't raise your standards so much that you never find a guy that you think is worth dating. :)

Dionysos · Accepted Answer

I'm the same way. I feel affection, and lust, and a kind of happiness when I'm with someone, but I've never been "in love" in over 40 years. I have loved (verb, not emotion) a number of women, but it's a choice not a state of being.

I've been infatuated a few times, but I don't think that counts. Real love, the kind of feelings you have for your parents, kids, etc, is hard to find outside of family.

It's weird, but I found I bonded more strongly (albeit in a father/kid kind of way) with one of my old GF's kids than I did with her. When we went our separate ways I missed being there for them more than I missed being with their Mom. That one threw me for a loop when I realized it, but I guess it makes sense. Adults have an instinct to bond that way with kids. We probably would have died out a long time ago if we didn't.

Bottom line Finding a real emotional connection with another person isn't something that happens every day for me. I doubt it is for many folks.

I wish I'd had a chance to pursue the two "infatuation" cases I had as a younger man. Both of em were married though, so no dice. :-(

Theguyoverthere · Accepted Answer

I am noticing a lot of girls like this nowadays so it's not just you. I feel like girls are trying not to be the stereotypical definition of "girls" nowadays. Like I'll try to date a girl and they'll only want to hook up or I'll be a little affectionate and they're not into it. It's really odd. I feel like women are slowly losing their ability to love men nowadays.

EBook · Answer

i assume you have experienced abuse in some form before in your life and that abuse is the reason that made you emotionless. experiencing abuse dont has to be beating, it can be a lack of love in the home while growing up and i assume the lack of love in childhood years is the reason why you are emotionless, because it was for so many years, all your life that you aren't even aware of it anymore. it is same like you have eaten garlic, then you won't smell garlic anymore even if you rub it on your nose.

if you want to stay emotionless like that, you have the advantage that you dont have any feelings that can be hurt. the disadvantage is that you dont have a love in your life and miss one of the most important reasons, if not THE most important reasony what a human beeing is actualy in this world for.

i can't tell you what you should do or not do, it is your choice wheter you want to stay emotionless like that or change for love. if you want to love, consider the reason as i mentioned above why you are emotionless, because to solve a problem, you have to identfy the problem first, if you see a problem in the lovelessness to begin with. by the way, there will be no "right guy" for you as some wrote, because with your current disability for love you won't notice the "right guy" even there a 10 of them right there in front of you. to notice the right man, if you want too, you have to learn Love first but only if you are willing to get your bum up and leave your comfort zone ;)

me only sayin

rachael19 · Answer

I'm the same, i think it's due to lack of affection growing up...the first human physical interaction i had was when i was 17 with my first bf, i had never had a hug before then...i feel numb and be pretty hostile towards guys...the only thing that's different from what you said is i think TOO much about them if i really like them though i'm picky...al of this could be cos i'm bipolar though but i sometimes wonder if i should have been born a guy, public affection makes me cringe and i dont like soppy guys

Azara · Answer

i dont see wy you are in relationships if you dont care.

if you really were indifferent you would not seek them out.

doesn't matter if you simply acquiesce and agree to be their gf, or you ask, if you had o feeling you would not bother.

i dont think you're being honest with yourself, however thats very common.

i think yo should stuck to friends with benefits or casual dating until you meet someone you really care about or until you're able to care, or forever.

I don't know if you can't care or just dont want to. but from the perspective of the people you're bust not caring' about...If you dont think you have the capacity or motivation to care, wy get involved. its irrational and unfair waste of time to the people you are with.

FlowersInMyHair · Answer

NOTHING, is wrong with you. You are completely fine. Its normal that you just dont feel the same towards someone. Its just that you haven't found someone you COMPLETELY feel for. When you do, the table and the game will change. Dont just settle to settle. Settle when you want to do all the stuff you listed up there with someone. And that will be the person you will be happy with and never question yourself again. good luck :)

loveangel_23 · Answer

girl, im in the same boat as you.
I don't know why im like this. but i really would love to actually have feelings for guys.
i have always dreamed as a girl would., but always acted as a guy. lol
I don't know if that makes any sense or not. but its true non the less.
i mean, with the kissing & not thinking about them part is a whole other ball game for me lol.
thats what i do best :p
but i just wish i had the other attributes that goes along with boy girl relationships as well...

Mesonfielde · Answer

"-i have never been "in love"or felt love"
"-never feel sorry for them,, -hardly think about them"

I think that sums it up, it's because you never really cared about them even as people! And the only reason for being in the relationship was "well I don't see a reason not to so OK" and not actually because you truly wanted to be in them.

Disappointing, to be honest. I feel bad for the guys who tried their best to be 'proper boyfriends' and love while being loved, but they actually weren't. Not even in a friendly fashion, or in any way... it's sad.

The better question is, is there anyone who you AREN'T completely detached from, or anyone who invokes emotional responses from you? If yes, then I guess you were just dating people you didn't find important, if no, then I guess you just either don't like being too involved, or you just aren't as easily responsible to events.

Levin · Answer

Most people don't know what love is, it's not the soppy sentimental rubbish. Love is more, a kind of selflessness, when the self is no longer in operation. As contrasted to sentimentality, which comes from some contrived notion of love that the self has come up with.

Fear is usually the root of any 'deviant' behaviour, for want of a better word. Things may have been so long repressed that you no longer recognise what is normal. If you're holding on to fear, you're also holding on to a false vision of the self, which can make you rigid, and blind to those around you.

What were your childhood experiences? Did you feel loved and warmth from a young age? As I say, if you've never experienced the other side, you might not recognise that you have missed it.

Investigate for yourself. You know yourself better than we do.

Hannah591 · Answer

You don't seem to know how to show love or allow yourself to fall in love. Not buying someone presents when they buy you some is more about disrespect of the other person, other than no attachment.
I sometimes feel heartless in my own relationship because he can cry more than me, he says he loves me more than I say it but I know I love him. I always show it as much as I can though, but sometimes I feel like he's more emotionally attached than I am but I don't think it's a huge problem because I want to stay with him and I love him. Relationships take work and sometimes that is part of the work - showing love.
It's like you almost can't be bothered to allow yourself to get emotionally involved and show that you care.

pineneedle · Answer

It depends if you're like that with other people too. If you feel no empathy or understanding towards other people you could be a sociopath? But you'd have to see a therapist to find out, I'm neither qualified nor do i know you well enough to assess that.
If it's just with guys, a lot of girls don't get quite as attached as the media suggests that they do. Some people are less emotional which is not a bad thing, and actually quite normal. You may just be someone who takes a while to warm up to others or to trust them and honestly that's probably for the best. I think when you find someone you really click with the intimacy will arrive eventually. Don't stress you'll be fine:)

Brovak · Answer

Ummm... yeah. There is really something wrong here. It's not only you, but your actions. You are leading these poor guys on if you don't feel the same way as them. If you don't like them, don't date them, don't say you love them, don't even show any false interest. Simple as that.

bleedingquadrophenic · Answer

Honestly, some of the answers here... There's nothing wrong with you, you're just a little bit unattached to people, less emotionally needy and so on. Absolutely nothing wrong with that

Myownhero · Answer

Let down your guards, think about him and how it feels for him? when the girl he loves doesn't pay him back the same way, he might end up leaving you and than you will regrett what you did, dont take things for granted, just open yourself and know its okay to be vulnerable..its not shameful its actually brave thing to let your guards down, and he is obviously doing it..you are ruining him by not showing emotions cause what if he is thinking that he is doing something wrong and isn't good enough?

Girlinfo · Answer

Try dating someone who's a ass. Then see if you feel something then. Maybe you don't appreciate what they do for you that you need someone who doesn't do anything for u to see what ur missing. It's weird to me that every Man U been with bad been like this because most men don't cry and show there emotions the way your saying. Maybe it's the type of men your choosing they don't light up any fire in you. Could be the type of men you after?

Anonymous · Answer

You probably just haven't met the right guy yet. You're still young, don't worry about it. You don't need to be tied down at your age anyway. There isn't anything wrong with you though, unless you enjoy hurting them... which I doubt.

Rusty83 · Answer

You just haven't met the right person yet
I went through a lot of girls like this from 15 until i was 24 and felt the same
Just wanted to have sex with them use them and leave. I strung some along because the sex was good but never felt love for any of them until i met a girl when i was 24 nearly 25 and she knocked me off my feet
Fell in love and it changed my life
Dont be worrying, we're not all the same
You'll find someone when the time is right

inamorata · Answer

Have you researched about aromantic and asexual people?

Do you have problems with platonic bonds like those one has with family and friends?
If you lack empathy in general and have trouble with it, you could be somewhere odd on the autistic, or even the psychopathic spectrum.

Google these things.

masoline16 · Answer

A lot of people are suggesting mental disorders. While this is feasible, I actually doubt it. How old are you? For a while I was like this, and I still am to a degree, but in different ways than you. I kim of panic when others start to feel close to me, and I didn't like feeling romantic feelings toward others. However, these feelings were heightened when I was in a depression. Now that I'm out of it, I'm much more open to love.
Perhaps you're just not with te right people either.

JustinCaseUDontKnow · Answer

Could be your not ready to feel
real love from a guy yet, maybe as
a child you lacked love from your parents
you could have some self esteem problems
that causes you not to be able to express
your emotions, like for me i'm a loving guy
but my sister on the other hand, does not show
any love at all

pooper89 · Answer

Why did u even take the time out of your day to date them if you had no feelings for them? That's what I'm wondering. Were you afraid it would look bad if you had no boyfriend.

You either haven't yet found the one, or you're a lesbian. That's always a possibility

Anonymous · Answer

I used to be like that because I caught my dad cheating on my mom and I lost faith in love as cheesy as that might sound. I did feel bad for hurting them though but there's nothing I could do since I wasn't in love with them. I guess I was just deeply scared that would happen to me. A guy came a long though and he was the definition of NOT MY TYPE. I decided to try because he is probably the nicest person I've ever met and now we have been in a relationship for over 6 months and he's changed the way I feel about love and relationships.

Why am I so unattached/emotionless in my relationships/bfs? (girls, anyone else like this?)

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