Hey GAG! Want to help me boost this girl's ego?

This is my friend.

link

She's in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

He makes her miserable. He is cheating on her and tells her that he finds other girls attractive. Tells her he's crushing on other girls. He also tells her she's too ugly and fat and no one else will ever want her.

She has just come to terms with the fact that he's an awful boyfriend. She wants to leave him but he has convinced her she's too ugly to ever be with someone else.

She's so beaten down and miserable. I just don't know what to say to her to convince her she'd be accepted by the male population.

Anything I can tell her to get her to take that final step and get away from him?

I might show her this page...if the comments aren't too mean :p

Updates:
Just an update: They broke up. But they've broken up many times and gotten back together. Only time will tell if this break will be official. I really hope it is.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Guess I have to be "that" guy, but I don't imagine boosting someone's ego with forced compliments from strangers is going to do anything other than put a band-aid on a gaping wound. Besides, you laid out that she has emotional/internal issues...so what is complimenting her on her looks going to do except to say that she might be eye candy to someone?

    She needs to realize that this guy is a sh*thead and enjoys being manipulative. He doesn't like the feeling that she CAN be someone else if she so chooses and finds the strength to leave him. She needs to realize that she has help from friends, but she also needs to put in intense effort to believe HERSELF about what her own worth is or could be. You can give her insight and support, but she is the one to do the changes within herself as no one else could possibly do it for her.

    Rally around her and give her the low-down truth on what this guy is, what he is doing to her, and that he is not at all healthy for her. She is, I assume, as young as you so there is no time like the present to quit wasting her youth attached to some chump. She needs to push herself for progress in shedding this attitude she has about herself, and she needs you and any other close friends who know her best to keep her going.

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What Guys Said 14

  • No. There is nothing you can do to get her to take the final step and get away from him. In fact, trying to do so will only be harmful to her. She sounds like she has incredibly low self-esteem, and telling her which decisions to make (even if they are good ones) will only force her self-esteem even lower. It may turn out well in the short term, but then she will just fall in line for the next abusive guy that asks her out. She needs to learn some assertion, and unfortunately that is something that can not be taught through anything but strain - making choices for her will unlearn it really fast.

    The best you can do is let her know that she has your support no matter what she decides. That will give her the confidence to act on her own behalf.

    Also, I'll just throw this in here: I'm a firm believer that if acting lessons were a standard part of public education, our entire country would be a lot more confident. I would recommend she take up some acting lessons. It will teach her to fake confidence - what is the difference between fake confidence and real confidence? Nothing.

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    • oh, I forgot the standard "I'd do her" remarks. Yeah, they apply..

  • She has warm, outoing eyes, and and a nice smile, and obviously is't really obese.

    Ignore him; he's just rying to manipulate her, and I guess he is succeeding!

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  • Your friend is beautiful. Tell her that every day. Call her and tell her so that she actually hears the sincerity in your voice. Text it to her as well so that she can actually see it. Make it simple. "Hey. You're beautiful :-)"

    I wrote an article about this. Have her take a read... link

    I hope it helps.

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  • If she left that guy, I give her a month before another guy comes along and sweeps her off her feet.

    A month.

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  • Who wants to be with someone who says they're ugly anyway? Even if she was unattractive, which of course she totally isn't, the only reason your own boyfriend would say that is to keep you for himself. Scared of being left, so worried about his own needs that he totally disregards yours...

    Anyone deserves better than that: someone that tells you you are beautiful, which you are.

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  • she's a babe. I'd totally hit that

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  • She's very beautiful. Not just cute, or hot. I'm talking the B word here. She can do WAY better than some a**hole that thinks it's OK to abuse her.

    Send her my way and I'll use my dirty old man skills to convince her she's attractive. :-P

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  • Do you have the pic. Of her boyfriend?

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  • She should tell her guy to eat a d**k. She's very sexy and can do better ,in fact, there's a line of guys that want to date her that her boyfriend is holding up. lol

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  • she's a beautiful girl and from what you've told us, she deserves a lot more better. chances are once guys find out she hasn't got a boyfriend she will have a number of guys to pick from. I bet you once she breaks up with him guys will be lining up to date her. she is far from ugly and fat.

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  • I think she is beautiful. She must get out and find a better guy.

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  • holy crap, how could anyone think your friend was ugly, is her boyfriend gay? she is really pretty

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  • Will she marry me?

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What Girls Said 7

  • I was in an abusive relationship too. It was mostly emotional, but towards the end, I saw signs of real violence. He used to be this wonderful person that made me so happy. Over time, I became blinded by the past and in denial of what be was becoming. He convinced me that all of our problems were my fault. He made me feel ugly and undeserving of any real happiness. Anytime I tried to talk to him about it, he turned it back on me. I didn't want to admit the truth to myself. I couldn't handle the fact that I, of all people, was stuck with an abusive man. I became so disgusted with myself. I felt so weak, I didn't know what to do. He messed with my mind on levels I couldn't, and still can't, comprehend. I felt myself change into a person I couldn't recognize.

    I woke up one day, and I thought, "today is the day." I just cut it off with him right then and there. He has been contacting me frequently since, but honestly, leaving him was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I feel free. I am finding peace within myself again.

    No one deserves to make you feel like you are not special. Love is supposed to feel good. It is supposed to give you hope, and inspire you. Tell her that real love exists in the world, and what she has is not it. She is beautiful and special, and someone else will show her that. She deserves so much more.

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  • She really is.

    I used to have the same problem. Abusive boyfriends or husbands are destructive and I still barely feel adequate and blush profusely when called pretty. She's gorgeous and someone much more worthwhile will want her and treat her well. Guaranteed.

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  • She is actually beautiful, a word I rarely if ever use. Seriously her boyfriend sounds like a massive a**hole who she deserves better than.

    Also note I showed this to a few friends as well and everyone agreed, it was unanimous.

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  • Why stay in an unhappy relationship? You're better off being alone than with a jerk who doesn't appreciate you.

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    • much easier said than done. I never thought I would ever be caught up in an abusive relationship, but they f*** with your mind and make you believe things about yourself that aren't even true. They make you feel like its all your fault and you will never find someone again. It took me a while to gather the strength to leave my boyfriend.

    • I guess that's the main thing, though: you have to want to be independent, and have an identity and confidence that isn't shaped around what he is/thinks. True though, I definitely can't empathise with the abusive aspect.

  • OMG that's terrible! Well, if she can't leave him because she won't find anyone, then she's better off without him whether she finds someone or not.

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  • My boyfriend used to say exactly the same things to me...he faced a "f***offbastard" response.

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  • she. is. gorgeous. enough said.

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  • She's beautiful...!

    I have been in a bad relationship.

    I'm too fat, too ugly, too this and that. Everything I do is wrong. I still love this boy.

    Your friend has huge potential to be a role model. She's beautiful, she's curvy, and she is strong. She knows she is in a bad relationship. She will know that abusive relationships can make you do things you never thought you would do. I guarentee that there are a billion guys who wanna be with a stunner like her, she looks sweet and loving. She has the potential to leave this horrible man and give hope to other struggling people. It won't be easy, but she will have the support of everyone, all the abused people will look up to her and the strong ones will pull her through.

    Good luck to her. Get out before you end up in trouble and headf***ed hun. xx

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