Guys are not capable of being friends with someone they find attractive

[TheVeryConfusedGirl]

^ LOL

This happens to me a lot. I'm sure many girls can relate. I'll meet a guy, we'll find each other attractive, one of us won't be looking for a relationship (usually the guy) so we'lll agree to be friends but he won't be a good friend and he will treat me like an acquaintance. Friends usually talk about ourselves or about our lives and hang out regualarly. When you try and talk with him, he'll be dry and the conversation will typically focus on one person. When you try and make plans with them, they'll bail on you. Also, there will be a general lack of effort being put into the friendship. As a result one of us (usually me) ends up being bored, annoyed or hurt and not becuase I have feelings for him (I don't) but if someone says you're going to be friends, you usually epxect them to act like it. Even worse, when you try and confront them, they'll think you're being clingy or obsessive or needy and they'll try to reassure you that you are friends. I understand that some guys can't be friends with someone they find attractive becuase they can't control themselves. But I'd rather them just tell me that and be honest instead of doing that. I do understand that they'd rather not hurt our feelings and just keep distant. They act like they don't care at all. As a result, I'll eventually stop putting in effort and then we just won't talk at all... friendship is over. Who can relate?

[MrOracle]

Single guys generally have no interest in being "just friends" with a girl - most girls are way too demanding, difficult, needy, easily offended, and just too much work to be "just friends" with. Most guys would rather be "just friends" with a GUY, who is laid back, doesn't feel the need to tell him about his day in great detail, doesn't complain when he doesn't hear from the guy for a week or two, doesn't get upset when he looks at some girl, etc.

Obviously, when the guy is getting laid and/or is romantically attracted/involved, then those issues don't seem nearly so difficult, but if he's not, then he'd simply rather not deal with the exhaustion of having to deal with a girl - the benefit-to-liability ratio simply isn't favorable to him.

There IS an exception to this rule - the "guy's girl". You know, the girl who is "just one of the guys", who tells dirty jokes right along with the guys, drinks beer and watches sports, is cool with porn and guys checking out girls, and otherwise isn't needy or clingy. Those girls CAN be "just friends" with many guys - but even then, the guys would usually still bang her if given the chance.

Anyway, your theory is mostly true - if a guy finds a girl attractive, he can't be "just friends" (in the sense that he won't want to bang her), and he usually won't WANT to be "just friends" either, because the upside isn't worth the hassle. And if he doesn't find her attractive, then, again, the upside is almost never worth the hassle, so a friendship is unlikely. Acquaintancehood is far more likely.

[bubble_tea]

That conversation... lol!

In summary:
Guys should be more honest with their intentions, girls should be less naive about guys' intentions.

[LibraPisces66]

No doubt, so true about that conversation, lol! And I agree about the guys being more upfront. Unfortunately, most guys aren't, especially the ones just looking to have sex. But what's even worse is that the guys that are looking to truly connect with their hearts, who tend to be rarer these days, get lumped in to a girl's suspicions of him being another player. So both parties lose out, when she is afraid to either take a chance on us, or has become too cynical about guys like us even existing anymore! Meaning your statement that girls need to be less naive isn't always true, or applies to all men. Ugh!

[bubble_tea]

@LibraPisces66 By less naive I didn't mean girls should always assume guys only want sex, nothing else.. but that girls shouldn't think if guys say they want to be friends, they're not interested in sex with them.. like at all. Like in that conversation, it's clear he's either hinting at a friends with benefits or hinting at a relationship, but she's either completely clueless or playing dumb.

[LibraPisces66]

Yes, sadly that is generally true. It is the rare guy that is happy to meet a girl he likes, admires, and simply would appreciate having her friendship. You're right of course, that conversation struck me the exact same way. I just don't get the whole friends with benefits thing. To my mind I just don't see where most girls are really get anything fulfilling from it. Seems like they settle for it, in most cases.

[Ytrail]

The problem is not the fact "guys can't be friends with someone they find attractive". The problem is "when a guy finds you not only attractive, but also wants to be more than friends". You see anybody can find somebody attractive, but that does not mean that want to be in a relationship with them. I'm not going to say that means they wouldn't want to have sex with them because that is pushing it. But when you think about it sometimes in the beginning you don't know if you will want to be in a relationship with a person. So what it boils down to is what that guy is looking for from the friendship. He might expect the friendship to turn into a relationship, which is an issue if you are not interested in one at all. He might expect the friendship to go no further than a friendship, which is not an issue unless you eventually want more and he doesn't. But yeah for you situation. If I was that guy, I wouldn't want to be friends either. I mean if you are interested in being in a relationship with me and I am attracted to you but is not interested in being committed and I am single that is a sign of a RED flag for you. That basically means he only is interested in having sex with or being friends with benefits, so of course just being friends with him is not going to work. Just think about it for example, your issue "make plans with them, they'll bail on you". That is because he is not interested in the plans your making with him, unless your making plans for sex (no pun intended). Of course it is not your fault, it is his for lying to you about wanting to be only friends. I have made this mistake before as well and it didn't end well because I ended up falling in love with her. So, guys should be more honest about how they feel about what they want as far as dealing with these things with another person, but a lot of times they are not because of fear of rejection. So, they just try to act like they only want to be friends to mitigate the issue (they know you might not be willing to be only friends with benefits since you want a relationship not just sex), but it just makes it worse in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I feel like I've just gone through something like that recently. He claims to think of me as one of his good friends and says he loves talking to me and hanging out with me. But then he would try to make moves on me and he never asks to hang out, outside the house. I see him go out with friends, drinking, parks, festivals, but never invites me. I thought friends hung out and went to parties, to bars, and did things together that were fun. If my friendship is limited to quiet time where you make moves on me that means he only wanted one thing and couldn't even do that correctly because then he should have asked me out officially. I ended up very hurt because I felt if he wasn't ready for a relationship or even just dating then him and I could have at least very well have been good friends because we had so much in common and did enjoy each others company. I feel mad now that we aren't talking because I felt he was no disingenuous and wish he had just been honest with his intentions so there was no confusion. If he felt he couldn't just be friends he should've asked me out. If he wasn't ready to actually date me then he should have just told me. I would have felt bad that all he wanted was sex and the occasional conversation but it's better then getting attached and finding out that 'friendship' was a big lie.

[emmabee11]

HA! no... these days they refrain from even being friends with girls at all because are too afraid they might "fall in love", most men are sissy pants these days... they believe too much in the whole "friend-zone" thing... but there is no such thing... ether someone likes you or doesn't and you can choose to be friends with them yourself if you want to, they aren't their friends to beguin with TO "friend-zone" lol and if a girl has already been their friend for a while now they can't just go "Oh... i was "friend-zoned" again by a girl, it's so stupid, why can't i get a gf?", and if the female friend showed no indication of attraction why even mention it to her? are they thick? lol you DON'T mention it, it's that simple, move on to other girls... but it doesn't have to mess up a friendship you already have, but guys go and intetionally mess them up just because they feel butthurt about not getting a girlfriend, so that means that friendship was fake... think how the female friend feels? not too pleased...

[NicknameShirt]

I can relate to the guy, but I'm the type to let the girl know if I feel more for her, and we work it through.

There was this girl I was madly in love with. She was super attractive, but had a boyfriend. I talked to her, and told her how I felt, and after a long period of mourning on my side (for not having her), I was able to move on. We are now very very close friends, and I'm okay with her being with someone else.
I still look at her and wish it was different, but that isn't a part of our communication or friendship anymore. She is just my very very pretty friend now.
Telling her about my feelings made our connection deeper.

[Anonymous]

Take it from a girl who was cheated on because my boyfriend had a "female friend" who he willingly tricked me into thinking they weren't attracted to one another and were nothing more than friends. All this time I was "insecure" because I had issues with him spending all of his time away with her. Men shouldn't be friends with females who they find attractive ESPECIALLY if they're in a relationship. It's a recipe for disaster. If you can't control yourselves, just don't even bother. She ended dumping him in the long run and he was very hurt. They didn't even last a year.

[albundyfan]

Usually if I get rejected and then offered friendship, Ijust agree to be friends to avoid conflict and avoid the woman entirely. I know its not the best practice, but every minute I spend with her is a minute I could spend meeting someone who DOES want me as more than a friend. Im not trying to be cold, but I already have good friends. I want someone special in my life liike most people do. No matter what people say, they don't just fall in your lap or appear at your doorstep. Gotta get out there and put forth the effort.

[JohnStamoist]

I tried my best friends with a girl (friend at the time) who did not want to pursue a relationship. In turned out she didn't really want my friendship, but only my attention. I fought my feelings for her to try and be friends since she was a really good person, but she spit in my face when she turned it into attention time for her. Funny thing is I called her out on it and she said I was overthinking things, until I unloaded all these facts pointing to her being an attention whore.

My point being is there are guys out there that try to be friends with girls who are not interested in them. There are also girls out there who will take advantage of this for attention, while other will value the friendship.

So by trying to generalize that every guy is not capable of being friends with girls who rejected them, you actually made yourself look incredibly stupid and demonstrated your opinion is a double standard.

[Fugue]

Girls are the same way, maybe just a little less often. It's common for people to approach other people in a friendly manner while having a hidden agenda. It's not that 'they can't help themselves', it's that they never really cared about the presence of that person as a person. It was always about (physical) attraction. This is Orbiters 101, and it's typically guys orbiting a girl. What perplexes me is the mental gymnastics some people have to do to delude themselves that their personality is just so great that it attracts friends, when it's really just their (physical) appeal attracting people.

[DarkHumorRUs]

I wrote a Take on this a bit ago:
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a9809-oh-we-re-just-friends

Way more common for the guy to wanna date his female friend, than for the girl to wanna date her guy friend. But yeah this sucks.

[joshmoe]

May be you're not as attractive as you might think, more like the doable type but not the girl I'm proud to put my arm around and show off. Or maybe you're too easy or something about your personality. I have some good guy friends and some douchey guys, no big difference from female friends some really want to be some are fake

[pisti]

Yes I have the same problem. We liked each other, but he didn't want a relationship.
I tried to keep in contact with him... to at least be friends, but he wouldn't try at all. I was the only one trying.
So I decided to stop annoying him cause that's what I felt I did. Now more or less we're like strangers :/

[ninja-in-black]

I can totally relate. I tried being friends with one of my guy classmates and asked him if he wanted to hangout and he agreed, but ended up bailing later. He ended up having a girlfriend. At one point I had a small crush on him, but got over it. I liked the way he thought and he was fun to talk to. We ended up being class acquaintances though.

[Anonymous]

I mean, that's kinda the case with everyone that you're friendly with but disagree to how much time you want to spend together, and or how much emotional intimacy you have.

For instance, I have a best friend (if you can call him that) that I don't really know too much about. Or maybe I know him best. Whatever. I'm not gonna sit around worrying about whether he (or I for that matter) wishs to be closer.

With opposite sex friends there's still that, and maybe you're just imagining sexual tension. Who knows? Maybe it's you. Maybe you SAY that you're cool with being friends but your desire for more time and more reciprocation is actually because you wish you were boyfriend girlfriend.

[Rloco]

I have female friends who are beautiful and we have common interests or hobbies. The reason we make good friends because I don't think our personalities mix romantically and she doesn't find me attractive. This leaves us as friends. I don't have any interest in us becomeing more and neither does she.

[MrOracle]

But if she started to find you attractive tomorrow, and you were both single, you'd bang her, right? Of course you would. But she would probably be shocked if she found that out, because in her mind, your friendship is platonic. Most girls refuse to accept how men's minds work.

[Rloco]

I honestly don't know. If she came onto me I wouldn't be able to say no , but I would never make a move. it is platonic but as a guy if she is physically attractive it would be extremely difficult to say no to sex. If she wanted a relationship that's different. I'd try but would suggest against it. We wouldn't work as a couple.

[ThisDudeHere]

Guys and girls can't be friends in general - it doesn't matter whether the girl is attractive or not. I personally can relate. Feelings will develope eventually... or if not feelings then at the very least lust.

[meesh1220]

Yep! Had to cut someone off because he couldn't handle just being friends. Sad because he was fun to hang out with. I just didn't feel the spark with him like he did with me. Every time he would see me talking to another guy he would send me rude texts. I finally had to block him.

[Anonymous]

Bullcrap. As someone who has had majority guy friends, it's for sure possible. Granted, they are attracted to me and make jokes here and there but they know that's where it stops. Some of my guy friends I've had since I was 13 and were/are great friends to me.

[LyricDollie]

Sameee. I have plenty of guys friends. Yea there may be a few here and there that want more or have wanted more. But they know where to draw the line with the jokes and vice versa. Feelings haven't ever really "Developed" between me and them over time either. Usually if I get with someone there was an instant attraction first and then we started getting to know eachother from there in a friend-like manner. But we all know where it started. A lot of my guys friends have been better friends to me than 90% of the females friends I've had over the years. It's possible to be just friends. All depends on the maturity. A couple of them we see eachother as family even.

[LyricDollie]

Shoot, a couple are even my wingmen. But seriously though I've seen females do the same thing.

[gray_sailor]

@LyricDollie

You and the Anonymous poster both fall squarely into the exception identified by @MrOracle in his response to this myTake.

He identified girls that behave as "one of the guys" as the only exception to this rule. The fact that both of you speak of yourselves as having majority male friendships places you in that exception.

[Opinion Owner]

When did we state we behave as one of the guys though? Because we have majority of male friends that means we behave like one?

[gray_sailor]

In the manner of your style of friendship -- yes.

[genuinlysensitive]

Yea of course not. The same is true of women, would you really want to be just friends with a guy you were into and listen to him talk about how wonderful his new girlfriend is and all the wonderful things she does for him, and all the dirty things? Try putting yourself in his shoes...

[Dragonstarterplus]

Strange, most of the times I was friendzoned everything happened in reverse. I would try and actually be friends with them because I genuinely wanted them in my life in some fashion even if it wasn't the fashion I desired most, but they treated me as a mere acquaintance.

[Grace_Rdz]

Ok, yes I relate to this so much but I still refuse to believe this is true in all cases, even though people I know and past experiences prove otherwise. I'm stupid, I know.