Most men have a bedroom bureau with enough space for the usual stuff - socks, underwear (boxers), t-shirts, a couple of sweatshirts, the sweater Mom gave him for his birthday, and three pairs of jeans.

A guy generally has exactly three pairs of jeans, and they are not the same. They are graded by age and condition - old, middle, and new.

In my case, the oldest and best pair are the ones I have owned for five years. They fit perfectly. I can snap them at the waist without sucking in my stomach, but they will stay up without a belt. The length is good, too. They are not too short. If they became too short, perhaps from washing too often in hot water, they would become the dreaded "high water pants," and would be instantly discarded. They are not too long. Most guys over the age of sixteen don't like to trip over their own pants, or get the lower edges frayed because they're dragging on the ground.

Most guys have an old pair of jeans that are at least five years old. When they were new, they really were blue. Not bleached or distressed, just blue. Over the years they get grease stains from working on the motorcycle, paint from some household project, and the knees get frayed from plain old wear and tear. I like the knees of my old jeans being frayed because it reminds me of the Ramones. The old jeans are a guy's favorite jeans, but because of society's silly rules about wearing clean clothes in public, they're strictly for wearing on weekends and doing stuff around the house.

If it were up to me, I'd just buy one pair of jeans and wear them until they fell off.

The middle pair is maybe three years old. They are exactly the same size and brand as the old pair. After all, if something works, why change? The only difference is that the middle pair is newer-looking than the old pair. They're not as stained and not quite as faded. For the first two years, the middle pair were my "good" jeans. I kept them very clean until one Saturday when I absent-mindedly wore them when I was scraping off the lawnmower. I got grass stains all over them, and that was it. They were no longer good jeans.

Once a guy has two pairs of jeans that are stained, ripped, or frayed, then he has to go to the mall to buy a new pair. The guy will avoid going to the mall with his girlfriend. If his girlfriend comes along, the trip will take hours and the guy will end up loitering in the Ladies Shoe department while his girlfriend tries on thirty identical pairs of "pumps" which seems to be another word for high heels. Given a choice, he would rather be at the dentist having his teeth drilled without the benefit of Novocaine than watch his girlfriend try on shoes.

With laser-like intensity on his solo mission, the guy finds the men's department and starts looking at jeans. Much to his dismay, there are at least ten different brands, and each brand has ten different styles. There are low-rise, hi-rise, boot cut, flared, straight leg, classic cut, roomy fit, tapered, easy fit, and relaxed fit.

He gives up. He goes into the dressing room and takes off his jeans, and looks at the label above the rear pocket. Regular fit, classic cut. Fine. The guy puts his jeans back on and returns to the sales floor. He finds a pair of jeans in his size, same brand, same style. He pays for the jeans and goes directly to his car. He may not even bother trying them on, because, after all, they are clearly marked with his size. The entire operation takes twenty minutes, which, as far as he is concerned, is fifteen minutes too long.

Now he has three pairs of jeans - old, middle, and new. The guy resolves to wear the new jeans only when he is out with his girlfriend, like on a date to a concert or if he has to go and visit her mother and she wants him to look nice. If he is careful, they might last long enough to actually feel comfortable.

And that's the key: like most men, I only wear clothing that is comfortable. If I put it on and it's too tight or itchy or stiff or feels weird, then forget it. I'm not wearing it. I don't want to have to think when I get dressed in the morning. I have better things to worry about. Three pairs of jeans is actually two pairs too many. If it were up to me, I'd just buy one pair and wear them until they fell off. Then I'd buy another pair. I suppose having two pairs is fine so that I can wash one pair and not have to walk around in my underwear waiting for the dryer cycle to end.