I very often hear or read about the idea that nice guys finish last and I am here to tell you that just isn't true. But timid guys do and there is a difference. Let's explore.
Nice guys are pleasant and kind.
Timid guys are lacking in self-assurance, courage, or bravery; easily alarmed; timorous; shy.
These are straight from the online dictionary, by the way.
Are we really suggesting that women DO NOT want men that are pleasant or kind? Or, does it make more sense that they DO NOT want men who lack self-assurance, courage and bravery? Exactly.
So why is the phrase 'nice guys finish last' so common then? Two reasons: Generalization and Confirmation Bias.
Generalization: We see situations where the confident guy (Dave) gets the girl (Holly) and the less confident guy (Mark) loses her. We make generalizations that Dave is the bad boy who won and Mark is the nice guy who lost. But we don't look deeper--we stay at this surface judgment. Perhaps Dave was also nice? Nope. We won't go there. Instead, we associate his nice car and natural good looks with someone who is privileged. We associate his confidence and charisma with arrogance. Before too long, we're making the mental leap that he's an arrogant prick and we say "poor Mark for getting crushed by Holly. The way Holly sees it, they're both nice but Dave was a little more confident and expressive about himself, his wants, and his feelings for her.
Confirmation Bias: Confirmation bias is reading or taking seriously only those things that confirm our already existing beliefs. So, it's been said a million times that 'nice guys finish last'. It must be true. And since I'm a nice guy that is unattached and has been unattached for awhile, it must be true. Never mind that fact that I may too timid to put myself out there or to respond confidently when given the opportunity to make an impression on a potential girlfriend. Never mind the fact that I may be believing myself right out of having a girl because I'm a nice guy and they just don't dig me. This becomes a vicious cycle that doesn't end.
It is true that women do not want men that lack self-assurance, courage, or bravery just as men do not want women that are too clingy. Interesting, eh? Clinginess is generally attributed to low self-assurance. Sound familiar? Men and women are not attracted to low self-assurance. But they both want nice people. Someone can be nice while also being confident, and attractive, and conversant. Someone can also be nice while being timid.
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