I Do Not Want a Serious Relationship - Seriously

I have often wondered about the communication breakdown that almost inevitably occurs between a man and a woman when they start dating. From the time I was in Elementary School, up to the present, I've always been told that I get my thoughts across quite well. Unless I mumble, I usually do not get a quizzical look when I communicate, or a "Huh? What did you say?" when I converse with someone.

However, as soon as I get myself into a dating relationship, my words no longer have their intended meaning. Seeing the blank look on my date's face, I can't help but wonder if I've blurted out something in Mandarin Chinese! I am not at a time in my life where I'm looking to settle down.

This is not a fact that I keep hidden when I ask a woman out on a date. I am completely truthful and upfront, as I would want the woman to be truthful and upfront with me. We are inundated with talk-show wisdom about being open and honest in our communication with the opposite sex. However, why does honest communication go right out the window when I say, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship," and my date hears "I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, but after several dates, that will change."

That is not what I said! I'm positive, I did not stutter! The message sent was not the message received. I don't consider myself mean-spirited or a "player". What I am is honest and upfront. An enjoyable evening with a lovely woman does not include her in tears stating, "I thought you really cared about me." That is why I tell her on the first date, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship."

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Yes, it is true, that we may have been seeing each other on a regular basis for the past 6 months or that we went to the Catskills for the weekend, but I'm still not looking for a serious relationship. If I were, I would not have said those fateful words to begin with. Please, someone, anyone, tell me how to say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" in a language the fairer sex can comprehend. As of right now, I'm at a loss.

This communication deficit has ended several relationships I would like to have continued. However, when the question would arise, "When will I meet your parents?" or "I'd like you to meet my parents", I knew that I would have to end the romance. The strain on the both of us would just be too much. I believe I can speak for many men when I say we honestly mean it when we say we don't want a serious relationship right now.

We know when we are ready to settle down with one woman and possibly start a family. Those that are not ready definitely know it! This does not change because we dated for a set number of months, or because we had a certain look in our eyes when we leaned in for a kiss. I would love an 8 x 10 glossy of the look so I could sell it on eBay. Better yet, it could be sent off for research. How a particular look can say what the spoken word does not is really fascinating. Think of the far-reaching implications and the bridge that might be improved in male to female communication!

I think the bottom line is that women hear what they want to hear, and interpret our words completely differently than we mean them! Every time I am honest and tell a date that I am not ready to settle down, I can see this smug look in her eyes; I imagine her cackling evilly and saying to herself, "Excellent! We'll just see about that! I love a challenge!"

One day I will be ready to settle down, have a lovely wife and a family, but as of right now, I'm not ready. It has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do about me. Hopefully when I'm ready to take the plunge, the right woman will come along.

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What Girls Said 44

  • Why are you putting this question out on a stupid site like this. You are entirely correct. You don't need guidance. The girl doesn't want to hear what you have to say
    because she likes you might even deeply care about you and projects
    as a long-term partner

  • A lot of you gals seem to be saying, 'be my serious boyfriend OR have sex with hookers.' Why can't a guy, or girl for that matter, just enjoy a limited interaction with someone they're attracted to, share a little more than just friends, but not go any further? Why is there nothing in between one night stands and serious dating? What if they want like a 6 month stand? What if they simply know they want a lot of alone time or just simply aren't ready for devotion.

    The problem is when someone ignores your explicit desires and guilts you into giving more to a relationship that simply might not be the most important thing in that person's life at that time. What's wrong with sharing a little bit of intimacy, but not being each other's entire world? Some people never want that kind of emotional intensity. Girls, and guys who are really sensitive, it's YOUR responsibility to state that you will not date someone unless they take it very seriously the whole time.

  • That is the most well written communication on this subject matter. You may have just made a turning point in my life. And for that...I thank you.

  • U sound like an ass. does a serious relationship = marriage? y would you continue seeing some1 if you did not care about them? y do you hav 2 b 'looking' 4 something serious in order 2 grow feelings 4 some1 over time? if you choose 2 spend a lota time with some1 it is very possible you will grow feelings 4 them. that is normal, very likely, and y in the hell would you continue seeing them and talking 2 them and spending money on them? go find a 1 night stand

  • Then hookers are always available. If you don't want to be serious, and all you want is to suck up someone's time for nothing, keep on being honest, but don't expect ANY girl to stick around as soon as you tell her you won't be serious about her. All that happens is that she will dump you and find another guy who WILL want a serious relationship.

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What Guys Said 7

  • I hear what you are saying but you have to understand exactly what you said yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Someone made a good point that while you may communicate what you don't want on the first date, you don't communicate what you do want. Your relationships are not ending because you weren't clear. They are ending because you're forgetting 80% of communication is NON-verbal! Spending time regularly for 6 months says the opposite of shallow words spoken on a first date? Make sense?

  • I'm a single guy who loves being single. There are a few posts on here that suggest that being single by choice makes me immature and "if I were a man" I would be able to handle the responsibility of a relationship. I disagree, being purposely single is a conscious decision that shows a lot of maturity. I would agree others though, tell her your just looking for sex. It works, but don't keep her around for six month. That's just asking for the attachment you don't want. One month and out.

  • "I'm not looking for a serious relationship,"--but I'm open to finding one. That's what women (and men) hear, and it becomes a challenge. A clearer statement would be, "I don't want a serious relationship," though you might be perceived as a player.

  • Through history, culture and religion we've all been molded to accept the idea that dating is a treasure hunt for our life partner. Ok, no one wants to be old and alone, but why can't people just enjoy their youth? It's about experience and insight!

  • First off...

    Bitches be crazy.

    But seriously these ladies got riled up.. which kind of ticks me of when they talk about men in general. I just got played by a women who said that she wanted nothing serious - which was fine because I wanted something more casual anyways. But then I got "too close to her" and she shut me out? Screw that. Lady below me can eat dirt (or me). ;D

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