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I Do Not Want a Serious Relationship - Seriously

I have often wondered about the communication breakdown that almost inevitably occurs between a man and a woman when they start dating. From the time I was in Elementary School, up to the present, I've always been told that I get my thoughts across quite well. Unless I mumble, I usually do not get a quizzical look when I communicate, or a "Huh? What did you say?" when I converse with someone.

However, as soon as I get myself into a dating relationship, my words no longer have their intended meaning. Seeing the blank look on my date's face, I can't help but wonder if I've blurted out something in Mandarin Chinese! I am not at a time in my life where I'm looking to settle down.

This is not a fact that I keep hidden when I ask a woman out on a date. I am completely truthful and upfront, as I would want the woman to be truthful and upfront with me. We are inundated with talk-show wisdom about being open and honest in our communication with the opposite sex. However, why does honest communication go right out the window when I say, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship," and my date hears "I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, but after several dates, that will change."

That is not what I said! I'm positive, I did not stutter! The message sent was not the message received. I don't consider myself mean-spirited or a "player". What I am is honest and upfront. An enjoyable evening with a lovely woman does not include her in tears stating, "I thought you really cared about me." That is why I tell her on the first date, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship."

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Yes, it is true, that we may have been seeing each other on a regular basis for the past 6 months or that we went to the Catskills for the weekend, but I'm still not looking for a serious relationship. If I were, I would not have said those fateful words to begin with. Please, someone, anyone, tell me how to say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" in a language the fairer sex can comprehend. As of right now, I'm at a loss.

This communication deficit has ended several relationships I would like to have continued. However, when the question would arise, "When will I meet your parents?" or "I'd like you to meet my parents", I knew that I would have to end the romance. The strain on the both of us would just be too much. I believe I can speak for many men when I say we honestly mean it when we say we don't want a serious relationship right now.

We know when we are ready to settle down with one woman and possibly start a family. Those that are not ready definitely know it! This does not change because we dated for a set number of months, or because we had a certain look in our eyes when we leaned in for a kiss. I would love an 8 x 10 glossy of the look so I could sell it on eBay. Better yet, it could be sent off for research. How a particular look can say what the spoken word does not is really fascinating. Think of the far-reaching implications and the bridge that might be improved in male to female communication!

I think the bottom line is that women hear what they want to hear, and interpret our words completely differently than we mean them! Every time I am honest and tell a date that I am not ready to settle down, I can see this smug look in her eyes; I imagine her cackling evilly and saying to herself, "Excellent! We'll just see about that! I love a challenge!"

One day I will be ready to settle down, have a lovely wife and a family, but as of right now, I'm not ready. It has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do about me. Hopefully when I'm ready to take the plunge, the right woman will come along.

What Girls Said 42

  • That is the most well written communication on this subject matter. You may have just made a turning point in my life. And for that...I thank you.

  • U sound like an ass. does a serious relationship = marriage? y would you continue seeing some1 if you did not care about them? y do you hav 2 b 'looking' 4 something serious in order 2 grow feelings 4 some1 over time? if you choose 2 spend a lota time with some1 it is very possible you will grow feelings 4 them. that is normal, very likely, and y in the hell would you continue seeing them and talking 2 them and spending money on them? go find a 1 night stand

  • Then hookers are always available. If you don't want to be serious, and all you want is to suck up someone's time for nothing, keep on being honest, but don't expect ANY girl to stick around as soon as you tell her you won't be serious about her. All that happens is that she will dump you and find another guy who WILL want a serious relationship.

  • Sounds to me like you *are* getting yourself into serious relationships with these women. Who cares what you call it? If you spend most of your time with one person, take vacations with them, etc., that's a relationship. I'm a woman, and I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, but to me that means occasional dates, leading our own lives and seeing other people. If I started spending all my time with one guy and going on trips with him, I'd be leading him on.

  • Why would a girl like me want to waste my time on a guy who just wants sex and nothing else? you led tem on for 6 months, that means you are an idiot. start hiring prostitutes, man.

  • Gee maybe you should established that the relationship will only be actually friends who f***! Girls always think if he falls in love with me then he'll want the long term relationship. You should be flatter.........and guess what sometimes you can't keep screwing that particular girl because like you she know what she does and doesn't want ...............! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to commit but this is the bs you have to go through when you want to get laid without strings.

  • Would not being in a serious relationship also make room for an open relationship though? it would seem natural that your girlfriend for thrills should be able to seek out others in case she wants someone more serious about her and a relationship with her.

  • Maybe try taking responsibility for how you are contributing to the confusion. If you are not interested in a "serious" relationship, it seems silly to keep embarking on one (by spending lots of time with one person, getting to know them, going on holidays etc). If what you want is sex with a few frills and no commitment, just say that instead. There are other's out there, like you, who might take you up on your might not like it so much when the table's are turned tho'.

  • You're being really selfish here. You're pulling the typical "I'm going to say x,y,z up front to cover my ass, so when the time comes and I screw up, I can refer back to the safety net of my comment earlier on and have no responsibility." If you really don't want a serious relationship, then by all means, get a friends with benefits with established boundaries. Don't go dating some chick for 6 months. That's not casual, that IS a relationship. You're just another case of a guy wanting his cake and to eat it too.

  • I hear what you are saying but you are sending mixed messages. If you don't want a serious relationship then maybe you shouldn't date. Maybe you're afraid of commitment because you want to play the field. It's not cool to go out with a women with the intention of having sex with no strings attached. that is real disgusting. You need to be honest about your intentions and not use that line "I'm not looking for anything serious" .Perhaps you ought to say I just want to be friends.

  • If you don't want to date seriously, why even go on dates? Why not just amuse yourself with friends and prostitutes for your emotional and sexual needs... then you're not running the risk of hurting or confusing someone. Sometimes actions do speak louder than words, and if 6 months of actions are telling a girl "I'm into you," what you said on the first date (read: DATE) becomes rather insignificant. Because, again, if you weren't looking for a relationship... then why in the world are you there

  • AND we all know we are supposed to pay attention to someone's actions more than their words, and when your actions are saying "relationship and intimacy" that can be a little confusing.

  • I agree with solsuerte, if a serious relationship is not what you are looking for, then what is the point of spending half a year getting close to someone. to enjoy intimacy with no commitment at someone else's expense? and rarely does a man think he is ready for a serious relationship until he falls in love, which usually takes place after the first date. saying I just want to be friends with benefits would be a lot more clear.

  • I am not ready to settle down will clear the confusion

  • If you don't want a serious relationship, DON'T ENGAGE IN EVERY ACTIVITY INVOLVED IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. taking a woman on a romantic weekend vacation or exclusively dating for half a year are both very obvious components of a serious relationship. maybe women take to heart the phrase "actions speak louder than words," and since men in general (and YOU in particular) are so bad at communicating, I think taking that phrase seriously makes a whole lot of sense.

  • A UCLA study showed 93 percent of communication is nonverbal - Another study: 7 percent by the words, 38 percent by voice, and 55 percent nonverbal-- so yes, one can give a look that says love, no research needed...

  • Maybe it is the women you are choosing. Perhaps you need to find an older established woman with her won goals--one that doesn't want kids (I know a few). Simply saying what you want to someone with different ideas won't work--u will always be at odds.

  • I'm a big believer in honesty. And I'm always surprised how many other people aren't--both male and female. How many guys believe a woman when she says "No." They think they can convince her otherwise, and it sounds like the women you date think the same.

  • I think that the confusion comes from the fact that early in a relationship guys usually don't say that they are looking for a long term commitment. Crazy at it seems - your statement is probably not taken at face value.

  • How can you honestly say that you haven't led her on. Just because you start off by saying you don't want a serious relationship, you are still leading her on with your actions. What's the point of being in that relationship anyway? Why not just sleep around? I think that you're unwilling to open yourself up to these women, you're still trying to hold on to your "manliness". It's stupid. Just open yourself up to the relationship and see where it can lead you instead of shooting it down so soon.

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What Guys Said 7

  • I hear what you are saying but you have to understand exactly what you said yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Someone made a good point that while you may communicate what you don't want on the first date, you don't communicate what you do want. Your relationships are not ending because you weren't clear. They are ending because you're forgetting 80% of communication is NON-verbal! Spending time regularly for 6 months says the opposite of shallow words spoken on a first date? Make sense?

  • I'm a single guy who loves being single. There are a few posts on here that suggest that being single by choice makes me immature and "if I were a man" I would be able to handle the responsibility of a relationship. I disagree, being purposely single is a conscious decision that shows a lot of maturity. I would agree others though, tell her your just looking for sex. It works, but don't keep her around for six month. That's just asking for the attachment you don't want. One month and out.

  • "I'm not looking for a serious relationship,"--but I'm open to finding one. That's what women (and men) hear, and it becomes a challenge. A clearer statement would be, "I don't want a serious relationship," though you might be perceived as a player.

  • Through history, culture and religion we've all been molded to accept the idea that dating is a treasure hunt for our life partner. Ok, no one wants to be old and alone, but why can't people just enjoy their youth? It's about experience and insight!

  • First off...

    Bitches be crazy.

    But seriously these ladies got riled up.. which kind of ticks me of when they talk about men in general. I just got played by a women who said that she wanted nothing serious - which was fine because I wanted something more casual anyways. But then I got "too close to her" and she shut me out? Screw that. Lady below me can eat dirt (or me). ;D

  • Why are you women so bent out of shape?

    He's merely stating his preference, however, a preference MANY men can relate to.

    Actually, a large proportion of young males and men who have other women at his disposal.

    He's honest. Upfront.

    After girls get the D they're all "so what are we now!?!", only to leave the man fixing this awkward moment.

    No one is coercing you into sex. You want it too.

  • "I say, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship," and my date hears "I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, but after sex***, that will change."


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