I Do Not Want a Serious Relationship - Seriously

[Shimbolic]

I have often wondered about the communication breakdown that almost inevitably occurs between a man and a woman when they start dating. From the time I was in Elementary School, up to the present, I've always been told that I get my thoughts across quite well. Unless I mumble, I usually do not get a quizzical look when I communicate, or a "Huh? What did you say?" when I converse with someone.

However, as soon as I get myself into a dating relationship, my words no longer have their intended meaning. Seeing the blank look on my date's face, I can't help but wonder if I've blurted out something in Mandarin Chinese! I am not at a time in my life where I'm looking to settle down.

This is not a fact that I keep hidden when I ask a woman out on a date. I am completely truthful and upfront, as I would want the woman to be truthful and upfront with me. We are inundated with talk-show wisdom about being open and honest in our communication with the opposite sex. However, why does honest communication go right out the window when I say, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship," and my date hears "I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, but after several dates, that will change."

That is not what I said! I'm positive, I did not stutter! The message sent was not the message received. I don't consider myself mean-spirited or a "player". What I am is honest and upfront. An enjoyable evening with a lovely woman does not include her in tears stating, "I thought you really cared about me." That is why I tell her on the first date, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship."

Yes, it is true, that we may have been seeing each other on a regular basis for the past 6 months or that we went to the Catskills for the weekend, but I'm still not looking for a serious relationship. If I were, I would not have said those fateful words to begin with. Please, someone, anyone, tell me how to say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" in a language the fairer sex can comprehend. As of right now, I'm at a loss.

This communication deficit has ended several relationships I would like to have continued. However, when the question would arise, "When will I meet your parents?" or "I'd like you to meet my parents", I knew that I would have to end the romance. The strain on the both of us would just be too much. I believe I can speak for many men when I say we honestly mean it when we say we don't want a serious relationship right now.

We know when we are ready to settle down with one woman and possibly start a family. Those that are not ready definitely know it! This does not change because we dated for a set number of months, or because we had a certain look in our eyes when we leaned in for a kiss. I would love an 8 x 10 glossy of the look so I could sell it on eBay. Better yet, it could be sent off for research. How a particular look can say what the spoken word does not is really fascinating. Think of the far-reaching implications and the bridge that might be improved in male to female communication!

I think the bottom line is that women hear what they want to hear, and interpret our words completely differently than we mean them! Every time I am honest and tell a date that I am not ready to settle down, I can see this smug look in her eyes; I imagine her cackling evilly and saying to herself, "Excellent! We'll just see about that! I love a challenge!"

One day I will be ready to settle down, have a lovely wife and a family, but as of right now, I'm not ready. It has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do about me. Hopefully when I'm ready to take the plunge, the right woman will come along.

[candlewax]

You're being really selfish here. You're pulling the typical "I'm going to say x,y,z up front to cover my ass, so when the time comes and I screw up, I can refer back to the safety net of my comment earlier on and have no responsibility." If you really don't want a serious relationship, then by all means, get a friends with benefits with established boundaries. Don't go dating some chick for 6 months. That's not casual, that IS a relationship. You're just another case of a guy wanting his cake and to eat it too.

[Sbsbdicjf]

Ummmm nope. You're just another chick not listening to words, thinking we speak in code and there's a hidden message.

When he says its not serious and they agree then that's on them. If doing things for 6 months is a relationship to you (which it isn't, unless the coversation is had in which the subject is about a relationship) then perhaps you should talk to a specialist.

You can't say this b. s. just because the dude is honest about his intentions up front.

[AnonymousT]

I hear what you are saying but you have to understand exactly what you said yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Someone made a good point that while you may communicate what you don't want on the first date, you don't communicate what you do want. Your relationships are not ending because you weren't clear. They are ending because you're forgetting 80% of communication is NON-verbal! Spending time regularly for 6 months says the opposite of shallow words spoken on a first date? Make sense?

[bijinbijinbijin]

Low self esteem will make a woman call any man her husband. In order for things to work, you have to be on the same track and if you two aren't then the both of you are at fault for trying to change each other. Being honest about your intentions from the start is very wise. Try communicating what it is that you do want as opposed to what it is that you don't want. "I want a woman who is into casual dating and is also understanding towards my relationship views. Preferabbly she should feel the same"

[Genya]

I am a female and think the same. Why people think in black and white - either it's serious utter commitmet or it is an irresponsible hook up? Why can it not be a serious and responsible (romantic, beautiful and exclusive) but temporary relationship? Why does it have to have life-long guarantees? As a matter of fact, holding the other responsible for your feelings and asking for life-long guarantees is not serious but rather immature and insecure. True love asks for no conditions but sets you free

[Athena666]

A lot of you gals seem to be saying, 'be my serious boyfriend OR have sex with hookers.' Why can't a guy, or girl for that matter, just enjoy a limited interaction with someone they're attracted to, share a little more than just friends, but not go any further? Why is there nothing in between one night stands and serious dating? What if they want like a 6 month stand? What if they simply know they want a lot of alone time or just simply aren't ready for devotion.

The problem is when someone ignores your explicit desires and guilts you into giving more to a relationship that simply might not be the most important thing in that person's life at that time. What's wrong with sharing a little bit of intimacy, but not being each other's entire world? Some people never want that kind of emotional intensity. Girls, and guys who are really sensitive, it's YOUR responsibility to state that you will not date someone unless they take it very seriously the whole time.

[mishiii]

Why are you putting this question out on a stupid site like this. You are entirely correct. You don't need guidance. The girl doesn't want to hear what you have to say
because she likes you might even deeply care about you and projects
as a long-term partner

[fairyfly]

U sound like an ass. does a serious relationship = marriage? y would you continue seeing some1 if you did not care about them? y do you hav 2 b 'looking' 4 something serious in order 2 grow feelings 4 some1 over time? if you choose 2 spend a lota time with some1 it is very possible you will grow feelings 4 them. that is normal, very likely, and y in the hell would you continue seeing them and talking 2 them and spending money on them? go find a 1 night stand

[Sbsbdicjf]

1. You're just an angry, entitlef chick.
2. Use words instead of numbers.

[BrunetteNYC]

Then hookers are always available. If you don't want to be serious, and all you want is to suck up someone's time for nothing, keep on being honest, but don't expect ANY girl to stick around as soon as you tell her you won't be serious about her. All that happens is that she will dump you and find another guy who WILL want a serious relationship.

[Gia65]

Gee maybe you should established that the relationship will only be actually friends who f***! Girls always think if he falls in love with me then he'll want the long term relationship. You should be flatter.........and guess what sometimes you can't keep screwing that particular girl because like you she know what she does and doesn't want ...............! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to commit but this is the bs you have to go through when you want to get laid without strings.

[OnoNw1]

Would not being in a serious relationship also make room for an open relationship though? it would seem natural that your girlfriend for thrills should be able to seek out others in case she wants someone more serious about her and a relationship with her.

[usagichan]

If you don't want to date seriously, why even go on dates? Why not just amuse yourself with friends and prostitutes for your emotional and sexual needs... then you're not running the risk of hurting or confusing someone. Sometimes actions do speak louder than words, and if 6 months of actions are telling a girl "I'm into you," what you said on the first date (read: DATE) becomes rather insignificant. Because, again, if you weren't looking for a relationship... then why in the world are you there

[A-R-Norman]

Maybe it is the women you are choosing. Perhaps you need to find an older established woman with her won goals--one that doesn't want kids (I know a few). Simply saying what you want to someone with different ideas won't work--u will always be at odds.

[ihavenoclue]

Through history, culture and religion we've all been molded to accept the idea that dating is a treasure hunt for our life partner. Ok, no one wants to be old and alone, but why can't people just enjoy their youth? It's about experience and insight!

[noodle]

First off...

Bitches be crazy.

But seriously these ladies got riled up.. which kind of ticks me of when they talk about men in general. I just got played by a women who said that she wanted nothing serious - which was fine because I wanted something more casual anyways. But then I got "too close to her" and she shut me out? Screw that. Lady below me can eat dirt (or me). ;D

[Lee85]

When girls hear that you "don't want a serious relationship" we assume you want a) to be only friends or b) a booty call. I know that's now what you mean but trust me, it's what we (or at least I) hear.

Personally, and I think many of my friends feel the same, I can't comprehend why I would want a relationship with a man that had no potential (unless it's only for mutual sex, for a temporary time). In the past I have made the wrong assumption that men feel the same way. Hope this helps.

[Standingpretty]

After saying that you don't want anything serious, you should also say that you are just looking for a fling, because that will make it clear that this is not going to change I think. You know, I've had guys tell me that they didn't want anything with me, and then have them ending up wanting me so, so women could think of this as a possibility.

[krenee]

THANK YOU for stating this! Now, if only men would understand when a woman says it as well. What? A woman who doesn't want a serious relationship? Yes, that's me. I am only 25 and definitely no where near ready to settle down, be a wife, and have children.

I ended my last "relationship" because the guy didn't like the fact that I was "seeing" other men as well. Even though he agreed and even took the time to brag about the dates he went on. When I'm ready I'll know. But for now I want to LIVE!

[Bytheseashore]

Then why do you have sex? Practice? Do you think it's fair to do that to a girl unless she's a prostitute? That's sad. Keep it in your pants, find a pig, use protection, and keep your pigs. Don't play with people's emotions. A guy can do that, a girl gets a name, and thus feels used, and hurt. What is it? You want to 'become' someone first before getting serious? Affraid of commitment? If you're not ready for a serious life, don't play with serious girls.

[hedwidandtheangryowl]

I think it's possible some of the women you date aren't looking for a long term commitment but then they fall in love with you, and realize they could possibly settle down. and then when you aren't interested in the meet the parents ~relationshop stuff~ they're like, oh, well I'm ready to be in a serious relationship now, I will go find a man who wants that too.a lot can change in a person over 6 months, what they want and what they're looking for in life can be completely altered.

[Hamburgers]

Why are you women so bent out of shape?

He's merely stating his preference, however, a preference MANY men can relate to.

Actually, a large proportion of young males and men who have other women at his disposal.

He's honest. Upfront.

After girls get the D they're all "so what are we now!?!", only to leave the man fixing this awkward moment.

No one is coercing you into sex. You want it too.

[A-R-Norman]

A UCLA study showed 93 percent of communication is nonverbal - Another study: 7 percent by the words, 38 percent by voice, and 55 percent nonverbal-- so yes, one can give a look that says love, no research needed...

[Acuzio]

"I'm not looking for a serious relationship,"--but I'm open to finding one. That's what women (and men) hear, and it becomes a challenge. A clearer statement would be, "I don't want a serious relationship," though you might be perceived as a player.