Where Did All The Nice Guys Go?

I see this question posted with some regularity in the many personals sections on the internet and what not, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out quite yet.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f***ing treated you.

"See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you."

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends."

Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship.

So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life.

Gogus olculeri

He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.

2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.

3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f***ed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't want you, now.


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What Girls Said 49

  • Amen! I thank my stars every day that I woke up and realized that the jirks I was in relationships with were only after one thing, and usually got it. I now have a boyfriend who is wonderful and wouldn't trade him for the world

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  • A lot of women complaining about this should check their Friend Zone.

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  • I don't want someone who self-identifies as a "nice guy". From my experience most of those people seem to be kidding themselves. They're self-consciously aware of how they come across, and not nearly as decent as you'd expect when they think nobody's looking. The loveliest people I know just have sound values which they are not self-conscious about. They're good people, not nice people. Niceness is how you act. It's on the surface. I want to know what's underneath.

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  • I looooove that post! It's so true! Even though I'm pretty sure I probably did it... But everything that's being said in that article is very true. Thumbs to the person who wrote it! We all needed that wakeup call!

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  • My only platonic guy friend was gay. Not much I can really do about that.

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What Guys Said 84

  • A SECRET

    Girls say they want nice guys but don't. The term "nice guy" is a misnomer. The "nice guy" they are looking for and "nice guy" they reject are 2 DIFFERENT THINGS. Women want someone who is confident, witty, outspoken, learns what makes them tick, and is a charismatic who doesn't reveal too much of himself too soon. Women don't refer to this guy as a "nice guy" because "nice guy" has already been used by women as code word for wussy. One who exhibits approval seeking behavior.

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  • Nonsense, a girl is not obligated to date you just because you court her by being creepy-clingy-nice. Everyone has the right to stick to the standards regarding physical attraction and personality-based estimated compatibility, whether it benefits you or not. I would rather not eat chocolate cake than eat one filled with mushrooms.

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  • where did nice girls go?

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  • This is right on, right now I'm trying my best to get this girl, it seems to be highly important to me. She ignoras avoids me, has a general dislike to me no matter what. Everyone says quit, but i can't there's something about her.. I know it's cliche, but there's always a reason people are in your life, plenty of fish in the sea whatever... I pray everyday, please pray for me I'm feel him at my wits end All things are possible through Christ... (See my question titled how effective is an apology)

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    • One sided infatuation doesn't entitle you to a relationship with anyone. Sorry.

    • I appreciate the reply, I understand what you are saying. I guess time heals everything, though sometimes I wish I could just hit fast forward instead of having to live through the emotion, it kind of feels like what losing a family member feels like to me

  • Rdda, if he's as you described him, he probably just has no gut feeling for when/how to suddenly take the offensive. You said you've asked him out -- did he turn you down flat or something? When I was inexperienced and inept, it took my first girlfriend breaching my space by resting her head on my shoulder "out of the blue" before I got a clue. And even then she had to escalate it to first kiss without a whole lot of help from me... Inexperience carries a lot of inertia, but once we got going...

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