Where Did All The Nice Guys Go?

I see this question posted with some regularity in the many personals sections on the internet and what not, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out quite yet.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f***ing treated you.

"See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you."

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends."

Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship.

So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life.

Gogus olculeri

He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.

2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.

3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f***ed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't want you, now.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • And here's where all you nice guys start to hate me. I have been interested for about 3 years in a guy who most would consider a true geek. He's chubby, older than me and could use a wardrobe update from somewhere other than Home Depot. But he is a good guy with a big heart. He's super bright, very humble, dry deadpan sense of humor which I love and we can connect on just about any subject, especially music. And he obviously thinks I'm hot and has made his attraction known. I have asked him out,

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Nonsense, a girl is not obligated to date you just because you court her by being creepy-clingy-nice. Everyone has the right to stick to the standards regarding physical attraction and personality-based estimated compatibility, whether it benefits you or not. I would rather not eat chocolate cake than eat one filled with mushrooms.

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What Girls Said 48

  • Unfortunately, most woman are attracted to the bad boys! It isn't until you get a bit older and realize what is important .......then you like the attentive guy who will hold your hand.........who is calm, caring, knows how to communicate................

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  • And emailed him, given him cds and guitar pics I got from a favorite artist of both of ours... given him every go signal there is... and no go. Now I've moved on, sort of, though I'd still go out with him if he asked and I know he wants to, hints about it in his emails, but hasn't. And I know it's about confidence, which I've sincerely tried to boost by letting him know what I like about him. But he won't make a solid move. How long does he think I should wait?

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  • Good article. My best friend is a really nice guy...and I am really nice girl. Problem is that he rather go for sex-on-legs (pretty hot girls who make fun of him anyways). Agreed, girls tend to do this more often..but, even guys can be equally as bad. My best "nice" guy friend is amazing...but, he thinks all girls wants jerks. We dont.

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  • In some ways it is true. But it also goes the other way around. I stopped dating for 2 years after a heart break, finally trusted someone again, that supposedly was a very sweet guy, treated me great, then one day he just stops talking to me. He went back to his ex that cheated on him. It made me realize that men just love b***hes. So basically, when you meet a bi**ch just know that there is some "nice guy" that made her that way.

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  • I agree to this, not whole-heartedly but mostly yes. I kind of found my way out of the relationship with the jerk boyfriend and into one with the nice guy who helped me whenever my ex had hurt more or everything else you said. I thank you for opening the eyes of many other girls.

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  • I looooove that post! It's so true! Even though I'm pretty sure I probably did it... But everything that's being said in that article is very true. Thumbs to the person who wrote it! We all needed that wakeup call!

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  • Also--people need to start learning from their dating mistakes and stop blaming the world--men claim women make men pay for their past mistakes , but when guy turn into a jerk cause he got burned, he is doing the same thing. At least to female credit, when they decide to grow up and want nice guys that is what they look for, whereas men get angry and bitter and try to make all women pay for one bitch who broke his heart as apposed to sucking it up and learning to grow.

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  • Fair to an extent--but at the same time, men are just as guilty of this. I was a nice girl who men didn't want to be with, I suppose because I wasn't aggressive enough. I met and married a nice guy and so did a lot fo my friends. As I have said in my previous posts, it is not that women don't want a nice guy, it is that they want a certain type of nice guy just as a ,man wants a certain type of nice girl--besides, are we not to blame for our folly of letting someone abuse our love?

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  • What you should be saying is you won't waste another moment on a girl like that, even for revenge, and you will reserve all the kindness, door opening and flower giving to the girl who loves you, appreciates you and treats you like a king as I do my own "nice" man. Sure--Chad may get all the babes, you may be 35 when it happens, but who cares! Wouldn't you rather have something real than to say you scored with 100 brainless Buffy's? Think about THAT and get off the bitter rants...!

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  • Besides, don't you think it is entirely possible that you, like the women you trash, keep making the same dumb choices in woman for the same unenlightened reasons and that is why you have had bad experiences. why a are you telling men be jerks because shallow girls do shallow things? There is a battle going on between the sexes and telling men to be assholes is not the way to stop the war or to foster communication -- it is only a call for revenge...and on to my final note

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  • You don't think it pisses me of that some blond chick can get promoted ahead of me or some guy catered to a low life girl who played games while I sat at home dateless--I was THIRTY-FIVE when I finally met the man I wanted--what are u, 21? WTF?. You are not going to get what you want- just handed 2 you--and a girl isn't obligated to like you just because you are NICE--you have to be compatible--share the same goals...all you did was make men angry about a situation they cannot control..

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  • Damn this writing template--anyway--what I was saying was, guys are JUST as guilty of chasing girls who look a certain way and not caring about the inner person --until they get burned by the heifer--then they want to become vindictive. what you are doing is destructive, not constructive.

    why is it your idea that you are supposed just be handed any girl you want? some guys have it easier--so what?

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  • I suppose what gets my goat is that if a woman came on here and said "I got burned by an asshole, and because of that, I will tell all women to treat men like the jerks they are!" then you and all the men in here high-fiving you would be calling her a bitter, angry bitch.

    why--she is sayign nothign no differnt then what you are.

    Bsides, I was otssed aside by guys who cahsed afrter bond bimbos--I kenw I coudl give them the lvoe they desires--they called me thier "friend" while they kept gettig

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  • But you made it appear as if you are going to make every girl out there pay because you made an error in judgment. Not all women are playing games if they don't want to give it up to the first guy who is kind--the mature thing to do is move on when you see she isn't interested and don't give of your self until you know the girl likes you back, not become an asshole with an ax to grind with girls. Do some women use men? yes--men use women too! We live and learn--not seek vengeance...

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  • I just has to respond to this part "You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. " So does giving kindnesses automatically mean you get sex? If my guidance counselors listen to me, does this mean I owe him sex? can't you simply do something nice without wanting to get laid--how does this make you a nice guy at all? And if this was the case you were NEVER that girls friend but a liar and manipulator waiting for a shot to get laid.

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  • Amen! I thank my stars every day that I woke up and realized that the jirks I was in relationships with were only after one thing, and usually got it. I now have a boyfriend who is wonderful and wouldn't trade him for the world

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  • My first boyfriend and love was exactly what you just described: Followed me around like a lost puppy, was there for me when I was emotionally hurting, and always tried to take care of me. Then, after of almost 2 years of dating he dumped me because people told him I was too clingy. Even if you date a nice guy he can still turn into an asshole.

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  • I don't want someone who self-identifies as a "nice guy". From my experience most of those people seem to be kidding themselves. They're self-consciously aware of how they come across, and not nearly as decent as you'd expect when they think nobody's looking. The loveliest people I know just have sound values which they are not self-conscious about. They're good people, not nice people. Niceness is how you act. It's on the surface. I want to know what's underneath.

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  • Thanks ace--I wish most men were mature enough to just accept that they need to simply just move on and not punish every woman out there for their own mistakes in judgment...

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  • Oh my gosh. This almost made me cry! I totally feel for that just a friend guy. And I totally think that women do this! (At least the ones with guy friends.) I think the problem is that most women are attracted to the romantics of heartache. They want to feel hurt and wallow in self pity. I say that those women should get over themselves. Those are the girls who've never had issues dating and can easily overlook the nice guy that they 'want'.

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What Guys Said 83

  • Created an account just to reply to this article.... Wow, excellent insight. I wasn't fully on board with what you were saying at the beginning, but the end is spot on. Ya, I was one of those nice guys. I had a girlfriend that pushed me away, so she could be with an asshole. This taught me to be an asshole. Now I'm an asshole, married with two kids. My wife is miserable and still wants me. My ex-girlfriend is miserable, and wants me back.

    Women do not teach men to be anything but assholes.

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  • Amazing.. ur right.. that sh*t is for immature girls and immature women.. I read another article that talked about why nice guys finish last.. it said they finish last because they are boring and girls don't want a boring guy they want excitement.. hahah my take on it is.. boring is much better than disloyal... and I met this one girl who won't shut up about her ex.. bad mouthing him and telling ME she cares about him.. I'm like. yo.. IM right infront of u.. why ru bitchin about some loser.. -__-

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  • The part that gets me the most is typically they'll even turn to that nice guy they're with after their boyfriend treated them like crap and likely dumped them and say "where are all the nice guys in the world" as they are comforted by a nice guy. I feel as though you hit the nail on the head and you did so in a very eloquent manner, thank you.

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  • lol so true so true buddy I don't get it either they need to stop being so stupid and stop droping their pants for jerks and save it till marriage and she expect us to be there for her and show empathy and it's either she picks me aka nice guy like myself first or I'm gone and I will be long gong what you think of that I'm not giving her a chance after when and if she rejected me

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  • For those of you complaining about this article, I believe it 100% depicts what happens to people not just men but woman also and the ones who read this article and have gone through what it describes will not automatically seek revenge on the opposite sex for the stupidity of the ones who treated us like this article says but hope that it helps the ones who treated us that way to grow and learn from their mistakes

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  • And I should also point out that you say men shouldn't expect things handed to them for good personality or whatever, but women expect that everyday. Not even for personality, but just based on the fact that they're WOMEN. And to top it off, good looking women expect things handed to them just for their good looks.

    You've got to take a step back and realize that I've pointed out some pretty accurate things, and apparently you have a problem with how society is right now because that's it.

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  • If you plagarized this article, you need to stop.

    I think I figured certain things out; at least to a small degree.

    I want a woman. Not a girl. The females you are describing are not women but girls. There can be 18 year old women, and 30 year old girls.

    Great women are rare, and they usually get "snatched up" quicker than the guys because of the way our culture is. It won't stop me from looking. I just hope I don't become bitter and nasty with all the waiting and pain.

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  • "I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you."

    Heh, I guess this is why I am Mr. Cynical toward women... LOL

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  • Heck yes! Every female needs to read this. I've had so many girls used to treat me like this, heck, even if I didn't have feelings for them and was just being a friend, they only called when they needed something. I've moved on from them all, may they rot for all I care.

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  • Am I the only one who thinks this article actually perpetuates the "nice-guy syndrome" by taking the blame from the people where it belongs? Yes, sometimes flaky women will dismiss good guys, but more often than not because the "good" ones are creepy, needy or insecure (usually all three). Women want secure, confident guys who will truly respect them, and it's clear this bitter author has both a hatred of women and a martyr complex that would humble Jesus Christ. For your own sake and that of your future happiness, grow up.

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  • If you read further down before writing it was stolen you would see my response to this accusation in the past.

    I live in Los Angeles, and I originally wrote this. I realize it appeared on craigslist, and I have the original email responses of people nominating the post for "best of".

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  • A juvenile attitude? You yourself just agreed with what I said by stating that you have a hard time getting your foot in the door. This article isn't meant to apply to every situation and every stage, but its saying that as a nice guy its harder to get and keep a relationship short term.

    Also, take a look at my age. I'm sure it doesn't apply to older individuals, but it applies to me. I'll write another article once I'm older about how I feel. Thanks for the feed back.

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  • Clearly people agree with what I'm saying, even women. This is an overexaggerated story meant to overtly point out some truths that women share. This is more of a satire on how shitty women treat men than a nonfiction story.

    Most women are horribly shallow, especially at my age. You are thinking in the generation in which you grew up, and I'm sorry but its outdated and you have not experienced the new generation of college age kids in america.

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  • I guess its just my experience. I've dealt with far more women that fit this perfectly than not and that's where this generalization comes from. Sure, its definently overexaggerated, but that's meant for people to look at and think about even more. I mean, clearly its causing a lot of people to stop and think, and that's what I aimed for in the very beginning probably about 4 years ago now.

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  • I said emotional intimacy, meaning that when something goes wrong you always go to the guy for support. I think this is much different from your example of a guidance counselor. This is the guy that you hang out with everyday, sharing all your deepest emotions with. And no, it doesn't automatically mean that you have to have sex with any guy that's nice to you, that's not what I'm trying to say. This was written with someone very specific in mind, not as a mold to fit every girl into.

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  • Look who the negative comments are coming from? WOMEN. I've had perfectly fine experiences with women - since I changed how I acted. Now I realize this is quite the extreme viewpoint I laid forth, but it was roughly 2 years ago. I was 19 years old and have a different view than I have now.

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  • How many of you girls that are ranting about this article being stupid actually have found that "nice guy" or whatever guy you have been looking for all your life? why when a guy does something stupid its hell for us like when we cheat its all wrong, but when a girl does something stupid and bitches about it we are supposed to kiss your ass and say your sh*t doesn't stink?

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  • Wow... dude this is right on. I couldn't have said it better myself except I'm still the Platonic buddy, I liked your use of words lol. Anyways awesome job man.

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  • A SECRET

    Girls say they want nice guys but don't. The term "nice guy" is a misnomer. The "nice guy" they are looking for and "nice guy" they reject are 2 DIFFERENT THINGS. Women want someone who is confident, witty, outspoken, learns what makes them tick, and is a charismatic who doesn't reveal too much of himself too soon. Women don't refer to this guy as a "nice guy" because "nice guy" has already been used by women as code word for wussy. One who exhibits approval seeking behavior.

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  • I think you are putting too much blame on women. Attraction cannot be controlled. I am not a chick magnet , but I can't go bitter because of that . There is third way between bieng a nice guy and bieng bitter. The third way is to be bold , toughen up and work on one's confidence , attraction self esteem etc....... I think in general , girls are more forgiving and sensitive to feelings than guys. We just storm around looking for the hottest girl.

    We cannot control attraction.

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