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Where Did All The Nice Guys Go?

I see this question posted with some regularity in the many personals sections on the internet and what not, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out quite yet.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f***ing treated you.

"See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you."

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends."

Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren't dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship.

So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life.

Gogus olculeri

He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.

2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.

3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f***ed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't want you, now.

What Girls Said 49

  • Amen! I thank my stars every day that I woke up and realized that the jirks I was in relationships with were only after one thing, and usually got it. I now have a boyfriend who is wonderful and wouldn't trade him for the world

  • 3mo

    A lot of women complaining about this should check their Friend Zone.

  • 3mo

    I don't want someone who self-identifies as a "nice guy". From my experience most of those people seem to be kidding themselves. They're self-consciously aware of how they come across, and not nearly as decent as you'd expect when they think nobody's looking. The loveliest people I know just have sound values which they are not self-conscious about. They're good people, not nice people. Niceness is how you act. It's on the surface. I want to know what's underneath.

  • 3mo

    I looooove that post! It's so true! Even though I'm pretty sure I probably did it... But everything that's being said in that article is very true. Thumbs to the person who wrote it! We all needed that wakeup call!

  • 3mo

    My only platonic guy friend was gay. Not much I can really do about that.

  • And emailed him, given him cds and guitar pics I got from a favorite artist of both of ours... given him every go signal there is... and no go. Now I've moved on, sort of, though I'd still go out with him if he asked and I know he wants to, hints about it in his emails, but hasn't. And I know it's about confidence, which I've sincerely tried to boost by letting him know what I like about him. But he won't make a solid move. How long does he think I should wait?

  • And here's where all you nice guys start to hate me. I have been interested for about 3 years in a guy who most would consider a true geek. He's chubby, older than me and could use a wardrobe update from somewhere other than Home Depot. But he is a good guy with a big heart. He's super bright, very humble, dry deadpan sense of humor which I love and we can connect on just about any subject, especially music. And he obviously thinks I'm hot and has made his attraction known. I have asked him out,

  • SPOT ON! Kudos, to whoever wrote this.

    I'm totally for open expression, but for above commenters, it's not always necessary to equalize extremes....I think the bimbo conception is far more ramprant, and therefore, goes without saying.

  • This is a great article lol.Very TRUE

  • Thanks ace--I wish most men were mature enough to just accept that they need to simply just move on and not punish every woman out there for their own mistakes in judgment...

  • Also--people need to start learning from their dating mistakes and stop blaming the world--men claim women make men pay for their past mistakes , but when guy turn into a jerk cause he got burned, he is doing the same thing. At least to female credit, when they decide to grow up and want nice guys that is what they look for, whereas men get angry and bitter and try to make all women pay for one bitch who broke his heart as apposed to sucking it up and learning to grow.

  • Fair to an extent--but at the same time, men are just as guilty of this. I was a nice girl who men didn't want to be with, I suppose because I wasn't aggressive enough. I met and married a nice guy and so did a lot fo my friends. As I have said in my previous posts, it is not that women don't want a nice guy, it is that they want a certain type of nice guy just as a ,man wants a certain type of nice girl--besides, are we not to blame for our folly of letting someone abuse our love?

  • Good article. but you know, same can go for guys, and it often does. There is plenty of guys who prefer some brainless hottie over a nice girl because that was they can seem cool.Girls see that and begin asking questions like " oh, do guys like nice or naughty, wild?" Then they try to become what they think guys really want, and then, become girls you've described above. So, I think everything depends on how mature the person is, not whether it's a guy or a girl.

  • Hahaha! ohhh shit I love this! But just so everyone knws... I have never, so far, acted like an "ass bitch" to any of the nice guys I DO knw! So this is a great heads up!

    Good-Job person Lidepi :D

  • Unfortunately, most woman are attracted to the bad boys! It isn't until you get a bit older and realize what is important .......then you like the attentive guy who will hold your hand.........who is calm, caring, knows how to communicate................

  • Good article. My best friend is a really nice guy...and I am really nice girl. Problem is that he rather go for sex-on-legs (pretty hot girls who make fun of him anyways). Agreed, girls tend to do this more often..but, even guys can be equally as bad. My best "nice" guy friend is amazing...but, he thinks all girls wants jerks. We dont.

  • I don't think I overlook nice guys. In fact, I have a crush on one. But to a degree this article is true for both genders, women tend to do this more to the nice guys. Realistically speaking, there are many times when being nice is not what makes a girl's heart throb for a guy. Honestly speaking, I don't think I do this. I honestly do believe I fall for the nice guys.

    When I first start to like someone, I try to figure out his flaws first to see if I can handle it. accept them.

  • I'm a woman and you just said a mouthful of truth that a lot of women should have figured out along time ago. Loved it. OMG you're so right. I also would love to add. Women try being a nice girl and just maybe you can bring that nice guy back out. I also loved what gggggggggf said about guys going doing the same thing. You're chasing the girl everyone in the world wants, but not the girl that lives down the street. That knows more about you then anyone, because you grew up together.

  • Oh my gosh. This almost made me cry! I totally feel for that just a friend guy. And I totally think that women do this! (At least the ones with guy friends.) I think the problem is that most women are attracted to the romantics of heartache. They want to feel hurt and wallow in self pity. I say that those women should get over themselves. Those are the girls who've never had issues dating and can easily overlook the nice guy that they 'want'.

  • If a girl (or guy) does not see YOUR WORTH, just move on to someone who does. The problem with this article is that the self-proclaimed nice guys are not actually good guys. If a girl / guy has established you as a friend and both parties are very aware that they only see as a friend, they are not using you. Friends mean you support each other. In this case, it seems like you expect acting like friend will get romance.

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What Guys Said 84

  • 3mo

    Nonsense, a girl is not obligated to date you just because you court her by being creepy-clingy-nice. Everyone has the right to stick to the standards regarding physical attraction and personality-based estimated compatibility, whether it benefits you or not. I would rather not eat chocolate cake than eat one filled with mushrooms.

  • 3mo

    where did nice girls go?

  • 3mo

    This is right on, right now I'm trying my best to get this girl, it seems to be highly important to me. She ignoras avoids me, has a general dislike to me no matter what. Everyone says quit, but i can't there's something about her.. I know it's cliche, but there's always a reason people are in your life, plenty of fish in the sea whatever... I pray everyday, please pray for me I'm feel him at my wits end All things are possible through Christ... (See my question titled how effective is an apology)

    • 3mo

      One sided infatuation doesn't entitle you to a relationship with anyone. Sorry.

    • 3mo

      I appreciate the reply, I understand what you are saying. I guess time heals everything, though sometimes I wish I could just hit fast forward instead of having to live through the emotion, it kind of feels like what losing a family member feels like to me

  • Rdda, if he's as you described him, he probably just has no gut feeling for when/how to suddenly take the offensive. You said you've asked him out -- did he turn you down flat or something? When I was inexperienced and inept, it took my first girlfriend breaching my space by resting her head on my shoulder "out of the blue" before I got a clue. And even then she had to escalate it to first kiss without a whole lot of help from me... Inexperience carries a lot of inertia, but once we got going...

  • Perfect.

  • I like this. It tells the story from a male perspective, yet I believe this story is Unisex in it's content. It tells of how far the superficiality in our culture really goes. I'm glad I was turned down by the first woman to reject me. Every person plays their part and all the world is a stage. It's how we decide to digest rejection. Some are made into men who find greatness, others become monsters that leave the world asking, "How did it come to this".

  • And I believe everyone who has read this will appreciate this as well:

  • You speak the truth. Unfortunately I don't have it in me to change and become one of them. I can move on, but instead I've mostly moved on to nothing...because I know changing into that isn't morally right and there is nowhere else to go. So I wait...and may possibly forward this on to a few girls I happen to know. If anyone has an alternative to waiting, the Articles section of this website is waiting for you. ;)

  • Always did like this one here, no matter where I read it. most of this is true. But, ladies, you DO have a part to play in it, just as the so-called nice guys do. Ladies, grow the hell up, take responsibility for ur actions, take control of ur life.. and by God, stop settling for these morons who call themselves 'bad boys'... I say the same for the fellas- they need to quit bitchin bout these females who dnt want 'em. Who in their right mind wants sumbody who dnt want them?

  • this is an indirect attack on women for not "appreciating" nice guys. You are just sitting here trying to guilt trip women for not liking you because you are some prince charming gentleman in your own mind(which is the primary problem, your mind is ab ullsh*t machine)

    • 45d

      Didn't you read the article? He eventually became a jerk and finally succeeded with women that way! His message is that men should become jerks instead of being a nice guy that girls don't want!

  • If you read further down before writing it was stolen you would see my response to this accusation in the past.

    I live in Los Angeles, and I originally wrote this. I realize it appeared on craigslist, and I have the original email responses of people nominating the post for "best of".

  • This is some straight up bullsh*t. I agree with the article, but it's always two sides of the same coin and neither side is going to give in and admit the other one's right. 'Nice Guys' are out there. I'd like to think of myself as a TRUE 'Nice Guy'. Not just some guy that wants vagina, and that's exactly why this is a never-ending argument. Because of the misconceptions spurred on by our f***ed up society. 'Where did all the nice guys go?' is the same as 'Where did the nice girls go?'.

  • This article was basically just copied and pasted from this: link

  • Translation:

    "bwaaaah. I'm nice so women have an obligation to have sex with me, and when they don't it's because they want a**holes"

  • I don't think he's whining about all women in general - just the ones who p*ss and moan about not being able to find a "nice" or "good" man. They can, they just didn't want them back when they had their teenage good looks, now that they are aging the positions are reversed - only problem is that guy they passed over has moved on too. He's different, he's married, whatever, just not available. Think of all the girls you know who are perpetually single and ask yourself if I'm wrong about them.

  • No... I think this guy is spot on... after being "used" for attention I got tired of it and changed how I behaved. Much of it is psychology and regardless of how you women may argue it... you simply try to dismiss this man's posit because, deep down, you know it's true. Guys and girls love what they can't have and are always seeking validation. Nice guys give it up too easily by being available and accomodating whereas a**holes do not so it draws you to them as a challenge. Behavioral psychology

  • This sounds like where I'm at right now. I'm on the fringe with her. She's my best friend and she recently got cheated on and she tried to work it out(which I applaud her for trying). I've been there for her through thick and thin. Now single, she turns me down because she doesn't see me in the romantic sense. But she loves me. In the platonic sense. Great article and I'm a nice guy that's not gonna become the asshole because of a woman just to get laid.

  • Amen, brother. Amen.

  • So true on so many levels.

    Women (and even men) who have their heads stuck up their arses don't even deserve the attention of the nice guy (or nice woman).

    I was the "nice guy" up until a few years ago. Now I am the total asshole as told by most people. Yes, I'm getting action like you wouldn't believe, but, I find it quite boring honestly.

  • YES! It is true, it is true as it is written. Ladies, take notice!

    For Trickstir85: It sounds like your friend already "shed his mantle"....

    Some girls get it though. I'm with a wonderful girl right now, that was looking in all the wrong places for what she now claims I am, the best man in the world. I love her to bits, even if though it took her a while to realize it...

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