Why are guys so emotionally unavailable?

Question

Most guys act like they have no feelings at all. Like nothing phases them. Like they couldn't care less about how a girl feels. Or they shut down when it comes time to talk about feelings and all that. It's so annoying and frustrating.

Azara · Accepted Answer

People in general don't express themselves bc just people act like they can't handle it

This site is FULL of all sexes talking to strangers instead of the person they should be taking to. It's everyone who can't handle themselves. Not guys. Just not fully formed adults. Of any age.

I have NO idea what being " strong" has to fob with being an emotional cripple and alienating people you supposedly care about. and I'm SURE no one finds that attractive.

People use other peoples supposed intolerance as an excuse to not do things they supposedly would otherwise do.

But all the guys saying it's society as if they themselves are not part of societies and as if their actions fknt contribute to social convention , are full of it.

If you can recognize done behavior enough to say in I do this bc... ThN you can recognize it enough to stop doing it

If you do it you believe in doing it and everything rose is an excuse

in my opinion a lot if people play hard to get bc they think if makes them desirable.. That's all not being genujne is. Playing hard to get. And any gender does it.

When Guys do it , it's glorified" Society made me I have to be a 'man' "

When women do it and they are " passive aggressive" . When it's just a game.

And if your love if your life is going to be turned off bc you're human, then move on. It's irrational to stay. Entering a relationship planning to play games bc that's the only way to make it work. It's not working if you can't be human.

If your friends are babies and can't handle reality then dump them.

These excuses are just like sucking your thumb.

When people are afraid to express thrmselves that's fear and it's emotional. No one is afraid bc they are being rational

Expressing or not expressed is going to involve emotion either way. you get to choose if the emotion is fear or courage.

Women certainly "don't" express themselves in relationships as much as men don't. It's not a guy thing by any stretch. It's a cultural convention.

Gypsiegirl76 · Accepted Answer

Guy don't act like they have no emotions, most have been taught from their families and society that men do not show emotion. They need to be strong, they need to carry the daily stress that life gives and to express any emotion would make them weak in the eyes of other males. It is their pride them makes them believe this. Now I understand that this sounds like I am heading towards some serious man bashing but I promise you that is not the case.
The worst thing a woman can do is hurt a mans pride; belittling him in public or in front of his friends, telling him he is always wrong etc ( the ways are numerous) they get enough of this from other males they encounter through out the day. If you want a man to truly open up to you on an emotional level you must first prove to him that you will not hurt his pride, prove to him that you understand his pride is the most important thing he as a man will ever posses. Once he knows he can trust you with that ( because you have proven it) he will slowly start to let you in emotionally little by little and this is only if you are very important to him ( should it be best friend, girlfriend or wife) and if he knows that it will go no farther then you. And never try to force a man to talk about his emotions with you, if he trusts you and knows he has your respect and knows you will not make fun of, put down or belittle his emotions; when he is ready he will come to you.

confused1966 · Accepted Answer

That's because society has taught meant that it is not okay to show their feelings in public and it also leaves their ego wide open to be hurt if they express it and it isn't returned. Many have more fragile egos than women do and I think this is one of the reasons why they're so hesitant to to express their feelings. They are much more likely to admit their feelings after messing up A relationship because there's nothing to lose anymore in terms of their ego getting stepped on. The EO for men is definitely something that Is Way, Way way more sensitive and it takes them much longer to cover from a break up then a woman does-Part of it is because they have to hi there emotions from it as opposed to we women who just get together with our girlfriends and cry about it, bitch about it, etc. and we are over it for more quickly. It can be a pain to get a guy to open up but it is worth it. Just keep in mind how fragile their egos are-And also if they are in public with friends they're not going to do anything that's going to cause them to be made fun of by their friends or if you're in a group of women to women you were in. It is a pain-Hang in there!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

For some reason, men seem to be programmed to be the strong one, whatever "strong" means. They only appear to have no feelings because they are conscious of the fact that men are "supposed" to behave a certain way, i. e. tough and stoic. They are often told "boys don't cry" from a young age and this eventually becomes deeply ingrained in them. As a result, despite whatever emotions they may be experiencing, they will attempt to hide them. They are just as emotional as women, though; it's just that they are not as inclined to express their feelings in an obvious manner because emotional displays are considered a sign of weakness. (This makes women seem a lot more emotional and weak by comparison because guys almost never show emotions!) However, I wouldn't say that men in general do not care about girls' feelings. I have known men who were unbelievably caring, while their partners or other women in their lives were heartless, cruel, and unloving. It depends heavily on the individual and how their parents raised them.

By the way, it's "fazes," not "phases." :)

Vinnithexplorer · Accepted Answer

Hi :)

Speaking as an older guy there are several possibilities:

Media is responsible for perpetuating social stereotypes for both genders. Men are supposed to be strong, which means that they are not supposed to show emotion like hurt or sadness or even love, beyond having sex. The thing that really makes things difficult is that different women want/expect different things from men. Some women don't want a man who expresses emotion because that's not masculine in their view. Some women do like expressive men, but having been told by role models and societal constructs that this is not acceptable they repress emotion. Growing up many men are told that real boys/men don't cry.

Relationship with Mother/Relationship between Parents:
Yup, mom is the first female experience for any male and the relationship with her through his youth and teen years in to early adult hood will be the model for how he relates to other significant women in an unconscious automatic way, which usually occurs during period of emotional and psychological stress. The same applies to his observations on his parents relationship. If they where open and communicative, then it is likely he will follow this pattern in his relationships. The revers applies also if experiences where not healthy.

Negative Personality Traits:
Some men and women are just self centered and don't think beyond themselves, this could be as a result of poor role models, passive/aggressive behaviour or more serious personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Keep talking to your partner, give them permission to open up emotionally, this is the glue that keeps relationships together. Does he feel under pressure and uncomfortable because this is a new experience? Try and be supportive and non judgmental as possible as anything otherwise will work against your goal.

In the end, this may not be something he is capable of or willing to be...

samxscholar · Accepted Answer

Ok, it sounds like you are running up against the problem of : Guys Aren't Taught About Feelings, and the problem of Guys Like to Fix Things, not Talk About Feelings. Most guys don't actually process their feelings, they feel them, and then try to replicate events that feel good, and eliminate events that feel bad. (Fix.) Guy's aren't just taught not to be emotional, they aren't even taught how emotions work or what to do with them. Girls form natural support groups at early ages (clicks) and talk all the time. Guys punch each other in the gut, play sports, have sex, say what's up, i'm good, and move on. Because frequently they don't even know how to talk about their feelings and have no one they would feel comfortable doing so with. Some of us also have entirely different value systems that fall in line with this fixit mentality. Bottom line, either invest in some books about guy girl differences, and make they guy in your life read them, or, express how important something is to you, and stand your ground on it until he comes to some semblance of understanding on it. Not patient enough for that? You might be better off with a guy more in touch with his feelings.

Mesonfielde · Answer

This is taught, it's a culturally endorsed aspect of "masculinity". It's detrimental and bad for you, by the way.

OpenClose · Answer

"Or they shut down when it comes time to talk about feelings and all that."

This is the most important line in your question.

A psych professor once explained to me that since we are all girls in the womb, and boys must essentially make a gender change to become boys, it leaves our brains in a more vulnerable state. We have a -slightly- smaller Corpus Callosum, which is responsible for communicating between hemispheres to better process emotion. However, it is also still quite a bit more vulnerable. More prone to damage by emotional confusion or neglect.

She noted "It's ironic, then, that we raise our boys like they're supposed to be some sort of warrior and tell them to toughen up. And treat our girls as emotionally brittle flowers. Judging by the raw data, the it would make more sense to treat the boys as more emotionally vulnerable."

Supposedly, this dynamic is responsible for a lot of male mental health issues later in life. Anywhere from shutting down emotionally to rage and violence.

Also, men have different ways of dealing with emotions. It seems that girls are interested in not letting the issue go until it is resolved. For guys, things must remain calm. If they escalate, we need to leave until it can calm down, then discuss it again. If not, we feel backed into a corner. We begin to panic, but the girl won't let us leave. This can cause more rage-prone guys to break. It's a real treat to have someone like my dad who has the patience of a monk, and a mom who married him for that reason.

Setsu · Answer

If I may be so bold as to venture an 80th opinion... Men hide their emotions for the same root reason women hide their libidos: because the truth leaves them so profoundly vulnerable that many would rather subscribe to a lie.

Women experience sex from a position of weakness, with the result that they are capable of experiences so intense that they defy full understanding (both pleasure and pain). It takes patience and care to bring a woman to her full orgasmic potential, and the process can start a chain reaction over which it is very difficult to feel in control. In order to prevent this loss of control, many reflexively deny or inhibit this side of themselves.

The same principle applies to male emotion. When a man opens his heart to a woman, he is giving her the power to possess his soul, to penetrate and stimulate to ecstasy, agony, and everything in between... just as she gives him the power to possess her body when she opens her legs. The truth is exciting... but also frightening. Therefore, many men reflexively deny or inhibit their emotions.

VulcanHades · Answer

I personally wasn't affected by that "brainwashing" growing up. I'm a pretty emotional guy (but not overly emotional).

But I've noticed that even entering adulthood and in the dating game, men are told they can't be open books because that's too boring. They have to be mysterious and reserved, give women bits to keep them interested and wanting more. Basically it can be a manipulation strategy that creates unhealthy relationships because they lack communication. But beyond that, men are also told they can't express too much love/desire or they appear desperate. They can't share too much of their personal problems because women could interpret that as a weakness. Being emotionally stable and optimistic are considered attractive and even a must for women so men think that showing signs of sadness/depression, worry or anger can make a woman lose interest in them. They have to be strong, resilient, unaffected and untainted with any "negative" emotions.

Whether they are right or wrong in feeling that way is another topic of discussion. But it's a reality that men are forced into this unhealthy mold. Which partly explains why the suicide rate is much higher for men. Because they keep everything bottled up since they feel they can't really be themselves.

mth692 · Answer

Are you still accepting opinions? What if the case was that the guy had some sort of developmental disability that made emotional understanding and intelligence something that takes longer for him to develop and learn? Being unwilling and being initially unable due to brain wiring are two different things. In my case, I am diagnosed with high functioning autism. My main struggles deal with emotional and social development issues such as: processing and understanding how my feelings relate to my thoughts, and paying attention and understanding other's non-verbal cues/feelings. It's like I feel the gaps and I guess all your feelings are somehow interrelated with your thought; but, my mind won't always grasp that picture. I think I'm like a thinking being first and who feels second instead of most others who feels first if that makes sense. That's why I really have to think about these things and have the motives behind one's feelings, needs or desires because it's not something that is a fluid process inside my head. I've been going to therapy to manage these issues, but mental developmental disabilities are something that can't be completely cured, in me opinion. I wonder if I can get the patience and understanding for my unique disposition without causing the frustration like you typed here lol

HandsomeRaj · Answer

1. It's a kind of mindset and if I may also add immaturity to think so
2. Communicating emotions is the most important which is why we have languages and speech don't we?
3. Upon a point of time it was considered unmanly to do so and there were reasons to it. Women being the more emotional ones meant to nurture children etc while the man was made more by nature to be a little numb in the face of external calamity which in turn was compensated by ability of brute force. Hence, women were kept bereft of a man sharing his emotions, flip side of the same was that he also couldn't communicate. Something that has changed a lot since.
4. Even in a metrosexual world however, it's an individual thing about men sharing emotions. Unfortunately most times when a man shares, it goes unaccepted thanks to fixation of thinking and resultant expectations.
5. I don't have a problem with sharing my emotions or understanding emotions of my partner or for that matter anyone. But it depends on various factors if I can do anything about it or not.

kedslover · Answer

It's not that guys are emotionally unavailable but more like having a facade to protect one's emotions. Way too many men have had their hearts stomped by women to a point where they are not willing to commit. It's a guy's "firewall" to protect themselves from emotional harm. Women today are too bold, too demanding, too pushy, too materialistic, and way too liberal for most men. Perhaps that could be the reason for today's gay population. Too many men have been emotionally abused by women who want control and want to be in charge. Most guys don't like to lose control. Most guys want to be in charge. Most guys want to be on top. But today's women fight those ideas and that creates the atmosphere that now exists. There is a song written and sung back in the 1960's that sums up what a man wants and what will cause him to take notice & care: Dusty Springfield singing the song "Wishin' and Hopin'". I'd suggest that you should get that recording and listen to it... it will tell you more how to win their attention and heart than any words I can say.

AllThatSweetJazz · Answer

In response to "I'm not always quick to shed tears and I can be closed off, but I'll always come back and explain what was going on. Guys don't do that."
...
The thing is, I want express myself in front of you but I can't always access my feelings on my own. Sharing my feelings is how I'd like to deal with them, but I don't want to look like a pathetic person that no one wants to be friends with let alone partner with.

A lot of the time I actually would prefer expressing myself to girls, rather than being closed off and coming back later. This has only happened to me like 3 times ever, but opening up to someone makes me feel bonded to them and after getting out everything bad that I'm feeling, I feel awesome. After expressing myself, being accepted and getting a hug I feel like I can deal with anything. I want that but I'm so afraid of looking pathetic. People talk constantly about confidence and all that, and being emotionally vulnerable goes in direct opposition to that.

I would argue expressing oneself is far more healthy and that I am the best human I can be when I have special people in my life that I hold nothing back from. In spite of that, the risk of opening up to someone and having them think less of me seems too great. Girls try to be nice when talking about this subject but still always give the impression that they still want a guy to appear strong, and that's all it takes to perpetuate our penchant for stoicism.

Anonymous · Answer

Whether it is nature or nurture, men and women communicate very differently. If I talk to someone about a problem, I am not looking for emotional support, I am asking for help. If a woman comes to a guy with a problem, he will try to fix her problem. When she clearly doesn't want his help, he often doesn't understand why she is still talking if she doesn't want help, so he tries to avoid the topic altogether.

You say you understand that men are taught to avoid emotions, but you don't understand the emotional toll that takes on a person. Not only do we not know how to handle our own emotions, we often don't know how to handle other peoples emotions. When I have a friend crying in front of me, what am I suppose to do? As a man I am not allowed to cry with them. If I attempt to hold them, it can be seen as sexual. We just stand there confused. I think a lot of this is culture, because it isn't as bad in other countries, but it is so ingrained in us, that it really feels like it is a part of our nature.

Women don't realize it but they are also taught that men are suppose to act a certain way, and even though most of them will deny it, expect us to act that way. Just listen to how often women will use the phrase "real man" in order to shame a man that doesn't act the way she thinks a man is suppose to act. So men eventually learn women expect us to live by our gender roles. The only women we can really open up to are women that we don't plan on having sex with, such as family members. When there is no longer any sexual tension, the guy is finally free to open up.

RandomizedUser · Answer

We live in a paternal society. Mostly where guys are the decision-maker, they are the only ones who can lift heavy things, work, and multitask at the same time. But we both know that it isn't true. Nowadays, we rarely fit those descriptions. A lot of women step-up in the society, ranking-out men in the social and business sides.

But, it has been a primal instinct of men to not show emotions (more so, women who are raised patriarchally). And, it's been an instinct of almost any human to try and stop emotion, because when they do show emotion it means they give a crap and they don't wanna fall for it. Most times, they just don't have damn f*cking clue of what you really are feeling.

This is just a normal guy behavior. But, there are certain people who can be completely shut-down and don't know how you're feeling but will still make you 'emotionally comfortable'. These are called sociopaths.

So, try asking yourself about the guy you're describing whether he is just stupid and moronic or really he doesn't have the faintest of it all.

incognito121 · Answer

Guys are logical and simple creatures and if they say "hey i like you" its exactly what it means they don't know if it's the colour of your eyes, the way you walk, how you dress they are simply attracted to you jeezo women on the other hand pfft we are programmed differently we like to tell our bf i lovr how you look in that top or you look soblablabla i was attracted to because of this or blablabla when "hey i like you" would have been enough for a man we like all that deep emotional talk and men just dont!!! It's not how they are programmed lol

kairon156 · Answer

boys from about 8 are told not to cry or be overly emotional so it's very hard for a lot of guys to break from that training. it's an issue that not many people even think about or understand.
It's not like boys have no emotions it's that most guys are "unable" to show them.

if you ever have a boy when you're ready make sure he's allowed to cry and be as emotional as any girl. :)

SomeGuy37 · Answer

I think you are with immature, or the wrong guys. It isn't about 'crying' like a lot of the responses seem to focus on, right? It's about the close, intimacy, the letting go of the self-conscious fears, trusting, knowing that he REALLY, HONESTLY ADORES you!!!
Everyone can get hurt, being too open, too honest, too trusting, but how can you find TRUE LOVE, REAL TRUST, without COMPLETE HONESTY?
What is most important, to you? Do you need a 'HOT' guy, that treats you like sht, or would you like a guy that like YOU, for YOU, and actually likes that you're a little 'soft and cuddly' when you snuggle under the blankets when it is cold outside?
I'm TOTALLY AVAILABLE with the 'soft and cuddly' kind of girl!!!

demonology · Answer

could it be "a twisted culture of society" ? ? ? ? ( thanks obama! )
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could also be biological.
for men, there is a delay going over the corpus callosum into the other side of the brain.
usually, one side of the brain dominates socially, while the other dominates abstractly. THIS IS NOT ":LEFT BRAIN, RIGHT BRAIN" BULLSHIT. the sides can be flipped in some people, and some might also be completely balanced, so that no side dominates the other.

so explanation aside, a guy has a more difficult time taking social messages back and forth.
its literally a little harder for them. they are not faking it, and it's not quite socially integrated.

ArchivalMars2 · Answer

Honestly, a lot of us grew up, no still grow up with the belief that it's a sign of weakness to show certain emotions. We try to maintain the image of being strong, logical, etc. That showing certain emotions makes us as men look weak, easy to push around and well... "unmanly". That we think girls don't like a guy who acts on their emotions or says specific things from the heart (plus we feel lame). Because of that we keep it to ourselves, burry those feelings deep down. It sucks but that's just how we are.

Bandit74 · Answer

Part of it might intate, but society definitely reinforces it.

I know I'm probably going to get downvoted for this but...
For me I see emotions as weakness, like babies are weak and they give in and express their emotions. However it takes strength to be able to supresss your emotions and push them aside in order to remain in control. Showing emotions makes me feel weak while being stoic makes me feel strong and in control. I prefer to feel strong and in control rather than weak and vulnerable. It doesn't mean I won't or can't open up/express my feelings just that I would like to be very selective with who I trust with my emotions.

martyfellow · Answer

Most guys are taught that it's not manly to show your tender feelings to your partner. You have to challenge them to get them to open up when you want to talk about intimate feelings with them.

Anonymous · Answer

I think if you look at some of the posts here on GAG you can see that girls don't have a very high opinion of quiet or introverted guys to begin with. Add on that they think of them as weak/unmanly etc.. etc.. Guys hear this! They are told they lack masculinity if they're not the smooth talking jerk. Now factor in the expectation that they express deep personal thoughts/feelings or even emotion. How do you think they will react to being prompted to express their inner feelings. We have this expectation that guys have to be totally macho and showing feelings/emotions is going to go against that expectation. I have to say I sympathize a little with the guys on this one. Maybe this is off topic but if women would take an interest in the guys in the background and even do some of the pursuing, they may get some much better results in getting guys to open up.

Phoenix98 · Answer

There is a time and place for everything, there is a time to feel emotional and a time not to. Things like pain and death there is no use crying over them. As for children, they are meant to be tempered and forged like steel into men and women, grown adults, show emotion, show love, show them tenderness etc but do not baby them teach them to be strong, dependable, confident because the world is a cruel and horrible place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. But the world can also be a great place if you don't let it and its rules define who you are, but instead forge your own path.

Anonymous · Answer

Two reasons, the first being genetics. Male brains are wired differently than female brains and we are just not naturally inclined to think about and discuss our emotions the way females are.

Secondly, men are not "supposed to" share their emotions. Men who cry or talk about certain things are unattractive to women. You can argue otherwise until you're blue in the face but it will never change that fact. Most women, if they are honest about it (and that's a big IF) will tell you they are put off by men who are openly emotional. It's a female behavior that is unattractive on a male. And that is also a genetic thing.

Why are guys so emotionally unavailable?

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