Guys, Why do men get lazy a few years into a marriage and don't cherish their wives anymore? Is there anything that can be done to prevent that?

[Anonymous]

Why is it that a few years after being in a committed relationship, a lot of men get lazy and stop courting their wives/girlfriends? He will say that he loves her, but no longer buys her flowers, takes her out on exciting adventures or surprizes her with anything... Is it because the wife/gf has been too much of a good girl and he knows he can have her without working for it? Do bad girls get more attention from their husbands/bfs? What can be done to prevent the husband/bf from becoming lazy and complacent? (PS: I am aware that women get like that too, by sometimes gaining weight or not caring for themselves anymore. If needed, we can discuss that in another question, but I would like to get some input on the guys' behavior here)

[Anonymous]

My ex wife seemed really ungrateful for what I did. In fact one time I surprised her with flowers and we ended up in a fight for several days because she swore that the only reason a guy would get his wife flowers was if he felt guilty for cheating. Despite my repeated attempts at romance she often wouldn't even smile and at times actually seemed annoyed. Then she had the nerve to complain that I took her for granted even though she was they one that and never showed any romance or appreciation towards me.

Eventually I got tired of being the only one putting any effort into the relationship and just gave up trying. I am not saying this is your problem, but in my case it is what happened. She simply wasn't worth the effort of being romantic anymore.

I even stopped helping around the house because she would just complain about how I did everything wrong anyway. I learned I could do 10 things around the house and get yelled at 10 times for not doing it her way (and she would often change her way without notice) or I could not do any housework and only get yelled at once. So she ended up training me not to help around the house at all. This is why I stopped putting in effort into my relationship. I don't know how typical these problems are with other guys.

[gray_sailor]

There is a mindset that once a woman has been won (she marries you), then the courting is done.

For these guys, there was nothing enjoyable about doing these things (flowers, surprises, adventures). They were simply the price of admission.

Another perspective common among men is that they are happy with the relationship as it is. For them, nothing is missing. They project their own happiness onto their spouse and are the last to find out that there is a problem. By the time these men are even aware that something is wrong, she has already checked out of the relationship and has merely not yet left.

[Asker]

If theoretically I would suggest to separate physically, just to break the routine, what would you think the effect of that would be?

[kstout6]

My opinion is this: Because the feeling is never reciprocated. There is no prize anymore.

I love my wife to death, and give her flowers because she lives in another country. We go on vacation every time we are together, and make love like there is no tomorrow. Why? Our time is so limited, every time I go back, it hurts. Everytime I wait for a chance to go, I get excited. Once she lives here, though, it will not be the same. I have to make an effort, she has to make an effort. The thing is, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE RELATIONSHIP. If you don't like where its going, don't whine, do something! Spice it up. Buy him flowers, do something very special for him. Make him feel special. If he does love you, he will appreciate it, and will reciprocate that as well.
I am just saying because it always is the man that has to initate everything and women don't do anything to the relationship, as if they are passengers on a ship and not a shipmate.

[Anpu23]

It's a mater of routine. I've been with my wife off and on for nearly 30 years. You get up, do the same thing, and go to bed. You forget how important she is to you. The solution is to tell her that you love her, often and mean it. Second spend some time just with the two of you, she and I explore the best breakfast restaurants every Saturday. Just the two of us. We bike together for fun. Try and keep a healthy and active sex life. Realize that she is your best friend (if she is not then that is something that you should look into). Be spontaneous, go out to the show together. Do the things that SHE likes too. If she's into gardening make a random stop by a new garden shop. Include her in your life, hopes and fears. You are a team now, and if she isn't supportive of your goals then THAT is something that you should look at.

[Asker]

Thanks for the insightful answer. I see you gave a lot of suggestions to what a man should do. What if my man doesn't think of these things? I don't want to demand them, because then I will sound as a nag, but at the same time I get more and more disappointed and even sad when I see that I am taken for granted. Is there something women should do so that their man doesn't become lazy like that?

[Anpu23]

The reverse is true as well, love is a two way street. When was the last time you told him that you love him? Last time you took him to do something he likes? Something out of the ordinary? You're right it's easy to come off as a nag, but it's also easy to come off as a loving wife/GF. One reason that you might be taken for granted is because you take HIM for granted. Here's a great article that you might find interesting.
www.sunnyskyz.com/.../I-Wasn-t-Treating-My-Husband-Fairly-And-It-Wasn-t-Fair

[Asker]

Thank you for the article; I read it and agree with it 100%. I won't say that i never make mistakes that way, but for the most part I don't criticize my husband like that. And in what concerns house work and the practical aspect of being a husband, he's great and I am a lucky lady. But when it comes to romance and intimacy, I feel that I am not valued and that hurts and demotivates me. I have tried to always be happy and grateful when he does something that I would want him to do, but that doesn't make him do it more often or do other things like it. So I wonder if i am somehow at fault for it. Do I demand too little directly? Am I too available and he feels he doesn't need to win me over? Should I take a step back and appear less interested?

[Anpu23]

No this is all him, if you are treating him well, then he just needs to wake up and realize just that. There's no way to make him, but if you aren't feeling appreciated, perhaps couples therapy might be in order. Or just a retreat/vacation where you can re-connect.

[Scrambled]

Lol... it's the years if vacation for the poor guy who put in years of courting. I do think it's sad though. I've learnt that the hard way. I left my wife now and sadly she came to me and said I didn't make her feel appreciated and she had to be in this split to see it herself. I just got to relaxed I suppose. Also, people get caught up in life and some things get out on the back burner. That's why against marriage and especially early marriage. People should settle down when they older and know what they want in life.

[whydoit]

Well with my experience he was not really romantic in the first place yes he may still love her but romance out the window Good girl or bad girl nothing to do with it Trust me I know and don't matter who you are fat or skinny love is love and people should stick by that
Thats one regret I have in life not sticking by that? bye

[Anonymous]

When there is no feedback in a relationship that´s the scenario. My girlfriend is virgin. I use to get excited with her and she always ended up feeling uncomfortable every time I use to get like that.

She is not ready for having a sexual relationship and that kill my spirit to keep showing my self sexy to her and to get a little naughty in the moment, since is not something that put her in a good mood neither.

[Despondency]

Women suck. Once men realize that women suck they stop working so hard to impress them.

[Dnk_honz]

100% agree

[Anonymous]

Don't really know, I've been lazy from the start. I think it's silly anyway. You love eachother for your personalities and the ability to buy flowers does not define who you are.

[ThisAndThat]

That is one of the reasons I'm glad I never got married. I'm free to look at who ever I want to look at and come and go as I please.

[8string]

Ima guess that 95% of the time its because she ain't givin that pussy up no more.

just a guess...

[Anonymous]

pussy is boring thats why. ass ftw!