Guys, Why is my guy friend suddenly being distant with me? Is he bullshitting his excuse?

[Anonymous]

Why is my guy friend being distant all of a sudden?
DISCLAIMER: Please, do not answer this post if you feel you are just here to make judgmental comments. I am honestly seeking advice just like everyone else here on GAG.
I've been great friends with this guy for over three years now & we would text/talk often. He is married & has been married even before having met me. No, we're not having an affair, we are just friends. Never kissed, nothing. However, in the past he's mentioned that if he was single, he would have married me. I am not sure if he is in love with me or not. He doesn't show it at all.

Lately though, out of nowhere, he'll pulled away from me. He no longer talks to me on the regular basis like before & rarely ever reaches out anymore. This has been going on for the past 3 months.
We have had no fights, no issues around the time he started doing this. In fact, I feel like we left off at a very positive place.

I decided to ask him about it. He claims his wife has nothing to do with this & instead, gave two excuses as to why he's been distant. One was: "being busy." 2nd: he really wants to have sex with me, yet b/c he's married, he can't, and I guess it's hard for him to be around me. I asked him "Well we've been friends for 3 years, & I'm sure you've always wanted to have sex with me since the beginning, so what's changed? What's different this time around? What's making it so difficult to be around me NOW and not before?" No good answer.
So what's going on? Does he have feelings? Is there something else that I don't know?
Men, I'm sure you guys might know or maybe even have a hunch at what is up? I just want to know why I am loosing sight of my friend. I dont want to lose him.
Thanks so much for your opinions! And again, please no mean, judgmental answers, I just need advice, not criticism.

[WiseTruth]

He is married and it won't do you any good also if by any chance you two do something in the moment. It is best this way for him and for you. You do not want to be a home wrecker. And honestly if person gets feelings like this there is no friendship, it is attraction. If I were you I'd respect that and do yourself some good and distance yourself also

[Asker]

Would you say that he has feelings for me?
Could he also be in love with me?
In the past, while he was drunk, he's said, "You don't know what you do for me. You make me happy." and "I would be jealous of the guy that ends up with you."

[WiseTruth]

I don't know him, you must trust your intuition not your feelings for him. Maybe you fill some void in him, maybe he is your supposed to be love of your life. But best is not to fall into fantasies of any sort. Many times married men escape from a reality to find something in someone they have lost along the way with their wives. Because they both stop working on the relationship, especially with themselves. It won't be any different with you if that is the case. If he said his reason is that he wants to have sex with you then most probably he is not getting the feeling with his wife at the moment. But also there is the possibility if he is really a very loyal person especially to marriage values that he does not want to jeopardise that. My gut feeling tells me he is getting something from you that he doesn't within his marriage, but not the whole thing also. It has to do with him, not you or both of you together.

[timmy111]

He's just trying to keep himself out of getting into trouble.
Easier not to be tempted when you can keep temptation away

[Asker]

Would you say that he has feelings for me?
Could he also be in love with me?
In the past, while he was drunk, he's said, "You don't know what you do for me. You make me happy." and "I would be jealous of the guy that ends up with you."

[orphan]

have you met his wife?

[orphan]

After reading the rest.. i agree w/ him.

He was probably attracted to you from the beginning. Sounds like he's at the end of his rope in terms of discipline. Beginning signs of a friendship affecting his relationship.

If you'd like more insight, just ask.

[Asker]

Hi! Yes, I have. She and I get along well and I rarely ever see her. But what do you mean exactly by "Sounds like he's at the end of his rope in terms of discipline" and what do you mean you agree with him? Like as in, what do you think is going on? Does he have feelings for me?
And when I asked him "is my friendship affecting your marriage?" he denied it. I dont know if he's lying or not.

[orphan]

a bit more info is needed..

how often did you two converse? how long and deep were your conversations?

[orphan]

oh.. and Hello!

[Asker]

We would talk almost every other day. When we did, it was just brief conversations over text. He was actually my boss at work and whenever we had work to together, that's when the most amount of time was spent with each other. We've had deep talks, memories, experiences and lots of laughs and fun during our friendship, a lot of it due to being coworkers. (The workplace was a very casual and fun one and obviously he was the boss, so he didn't mind)

[orphan]

on a fundamental level... all guys have the urge to lay every attractive girl they see. by the time you get older (27+), it becomes easier to ignore mentally.

i'm a believer that any two people can find something to love about one another if enough time is spent together. you build memories.. the more you create, the stronger the bond.

he sounds respectful enough to know when to pull the plug before his feelings become uncontrollable. he probably noticed himself wanting to spend time w/ you rather than his wife... his wife might have noticed, causing him to realize his feelings were beginning to jeopardize his morality and values. if he can't think clearly around you because he's overcome w/ emotion, he's gonna jeopardize his marriage.

[orphan]

i realize you two no longer work together, which also plays into it. that's easy time spent together when at work, but not so easy when he wants to, but he's at home w/ wifey...

[Asker]

I see. So you think maybe he has feelings for me? Can I ask you... what could be the reason why he is not admitting his feelings? Why doesn't he just tell me that he is in love with me? He knows that I am just as attracted to him as he is to me.
Do you think the sex thing was just an excuse to avoid telling me he loves me?

[Asker]

I forgot to mention, he regularly cheats on his wife. Not because he doesn't like her, but because he feels that she is not as sexual a person and him and that he'd rather release his sexual urges with others instead of building resentment against his wife. so he's not the type to turn down having an affair, basically.

[orphan]

So you think maybe he has feelings for me? ----------- Yes, not strong feelings, but enough to not continue.

what could be the reason why he is not admitting his feelings? ----------

1. that would be leading you on if he plans NOT to act on them.
2. bringing them to the surface, to discuss, would make them real in a sense. if he shared all that with you, it would take away from the specialty of sharing (feelings) with just his wife.
3. he has a wife, and he's actually trying to do the right thing here... i respect his stance, and you're should as well.. especially if you're friends.

Why doesn't he just tell me that he is in love with me? if this is the case, refer to above.

He knows that I am just as attracted to him as he is to me. ---- He's married.

Do you think the sex thing was just an excuse to avoid telling me he loves me? No. I don't think he loves you.

[Asker]

So if he doesn't love me, then what does he feel? just "really really likes me"?

[orphan]

Heh.. I don't think it matters.

I think it bothers you, because you want him to passionately confess his love. It fits w/ how you imagine him to be. It would make the perfect romance novel.

But nah... be a friend, let it go... and respect his marriage.

[Asker]

But for me, it does matter. I just want to know. I am not going to act on it, but it would make me feel a little better if I knew he felt something for me.
Also, what do you think makes it seem like he's not in love? I just want to know so I am not oblivious to the signs. I just really need your opinion in this hard time for me

[orphan]

Yes i believe he has feelings for you. I can't measure them. But over the course of three years, i'm positive they're significant. They're strong enough to cause drastic measures to deal with them. Which unfortunately, is no longer talking to you.

Love? I can't answer that.

[Asker]

I see. Do you think the friendship will ever go back to the way it used to be? Or is this pretty much the end?

[orphan]

I'm sure he's having a tough time, trying not to correspond with you. If he wasn't married, i'm positive he wouldda left her for you. But that's the thing, that's what marriage is. A lifetime committment, and he's honoring that.

[orphan]

If you want to further discuss it... You can PM me.

[Asker]

Yea. You're right, it is a commitment. There was this one time he told me (when he was drunk) "You don't know what you do for me. You make me happy."

I just wanted to say thanks so much for your advice and opinion. It's hard sometimes finding people on here that are willing to really help out. I appreciate it a lot! You're great.

[orphan]

Thank you =) makes me feel good. Y'kno where to find me.