When a guy is too busy but really likes you, then what?

[Anonymous]

Traditionally, I believe the "He's Just Not That Into You" theory. If a guy likes you, he'll make time to be with you. The question then becomes HOW MUCH TIME will that be? Should we be expected to swap daily constant texts etc. (which is a little over the top for me) or is the connection at the end of the week enough during the flirting/dating phase?

I don't like the borderline stalker who is always texting "where are you?" or the creepy fellow who doesn't know you at all but texts you "good morning"/"good night" with smoochy emoji daily... It's too much, especially with a new person you don't know well.

But what if a guy is busy all the time? I don't mean the "I can't talk, I'm busy" type, but the guy who has been single long enough that he doesn't actually cull out time to be on his own, relaxing, inactive with the potential to fill the gap with social activities or a relationship.

Which brings me to the fellow my friend is trying to set me up with. He's a nice guy and the 4S's -- smart, sweet, sexy, single -- which is great, but he's not ever really available. Even the time he makes to chat with ends with him getting caught up in business or between clients etc. A couple of times since we've met he's taken the time to meet with me, but always ends up being called to business by other people.

Is it worth the effort to be patient and see if he makes more of an effort?

Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

He's just not that into you. Next.

[MrOracle]

I think you've analyzed the situation quite well. This guy is used to being single, and he's filled his life with business-related activities. If he were to date you, or anyone else, it would take him some time to adjust his lifestyle to give you the kind of quality time you expect. He'll have to change the expectations of all of the people who have come to rely on him anytime 24/7, and that won't happen overnight (hell, it could take half a year).

First, you need to ask YOURSELF if you can handle that? We can't answer that for you.

Then, assuming you think you CAN handle it, you need to sit down with him and ask HIM if he is able and willing to make those changes for you. He may need time to think about it - those are some big changes - but you need to come to an understanding together that you're going to be patient with him but that you'll also need to see some steady progress in the right direction from him - and maybe you need to set some goals together.

Compatibility is hugely important, and it's something that each couple has to figure out together - and if it isn't going to work out, then you need to be honest with each other, and end it as soon as you know that, so you don't waste each others' time.

[Asker]

Thanks for your answer. If we'd actually has a chance to sit together in the first place, without people always calling him off to do things, I think I'd at least have the chance to determine if he was worth the effort of waiting for -- in terms of asking him to adjust his schedule. I don't feel comfortable asking him for undivided time since we've barely had the chance to get to know him. I need, for example, a few 20-30 minute meet ups to see if we're even compatible and have chemistry, you know? We could definitely work well together (professionally) instead and completely disregard personal time, since we do work in many of the same circles, but I don't think I should be asking him for his time when we don't know each other well enough. He should ask for a short meetup and stick with it. Rather, he currently has secretaries arrange meetups for him (even social ones), which is odd to me.

[MrOracle]

Honestly, to me, it sounds like he's probably not in a place to be dating. Even though he almost certainly misses the intimacy of a relationship, he has built a structure to his life that isn't able to deal with the demands of a relationship.

I recommend you move on (romantically at least), because this isn't likely to change quickly, if at all.

[Asker]

Lol. Yes, I figured that out, but thanks for confirming my own feelings on the matter. I'm opting to maintain a professional association since he is, in fact, a good guy. After several lapsed coffee appointments I just got him a gift card to his favorite coffee shop for X-mas as a thanks for the one really sweet errand he ran for me between his own office tasks. That levels the plains and doesn't make me feel like I didn't repay his courtesy to me.

Happy Christmas!

[MrOracle]

Right on, sounds like a wise move. Merry Christmas to you as well!

[Jay-Are]

I had a similar relationship. I was working a high demanding full time It job plus I was starting my own business. Needless to say much of my time had to go into that.

Right that moment I also started a relationship with a girl that I was truly crazy about. She kept on trying to meet me but I had no time. And she didn't want to wait so we broke up.

The reason why I couldn't see her had nothing to do with her. It's just that I was so busy that I just couldn't. It's a shame we couldn't make it but it's good that I persisted because now doing my dream job.

The weird thing is that she expected me to give it all up for her. That is just unfair to ask.

When a guy is busy. He is just busy and it is best leave him do what he needs to do for his (and maybe your) future.

[Asker]

Being a professional also I agree that a person shouldn't give up their dreams for a relationship, but it's also unfair to expect the other person to wait indefinitely, as though he/she had nothing else to do.

I like that you were mature enough to understand yourself and your needs, to express them clearly to her and breakup before you got too involved with each other and possibly developed negative feelings.

[sjoes006]

Yes I agree with the asker as I too am a professional and like you didn't have time for a relationship in my late twenties due to work obligations. If you don't have time you don't have time and you have to be clear about that with someone from the very beginning of you are going to try dating at all.

Everyone has their own expectations on what they want from a relationship and you can save a lot of time and heartache by discussing this sometimes in the first several dates. If one person wants to see their partner a few times a week while the other is fine going a week or more without seeing their partner on a regular basis then obviously it isn't going to work. 😕

[Jay-Are]

@sjoes006 You are right. However I did tell her exactly what it would be like. And it turned out exactly what i told her it would be like.
I think we both expected too much. Me thinking she could live with it and her thinking I would put everything aside for her.

[sjoes006]

My point is for whatever reason you knew you didn't have time for one so shouldn't be going out on dates looking for a relationship. At your age there are plenty of women just looking to hook up and you have to know the difference. I'm not speaking to you as a man, I'm speaking to you as a person. There was a point in my life when I knew I just honestly couldn't promise date night and phone calls on the regular. I'd be out of town with clients or execs above me and drinking until midnight with them in various time zones. Married or not you don't sit there with important clients and text, or excuse yourself to say night to the kids or whatever. You have 15
Minute windows to do so between things which doesn't fly well at the beginning of a relationship. I technically had time for a long term relationship but not for dating.

[sjoes006]

I say this because I. A long term thing you know each other's schedules, that you aren't being blown off and when you fly home at midnight they can be waiting for you in bed.

Dating on the other hand takes planning and courting, setting definite times. So there are so many things that can make that hard to accomplish. You have to work late unexpectedly and really should but have a promising date for 7:00. Or you have to miss important social things because you are out of town or
It is Sunday and you have to work because you are out of town for 5 days.

Once in a relationship this goes down better but it is hard to get there without making having one a priority.

I honestly had to tell my bosses that I needed a more flexible schedule than the one I already had of coming in at 7am some days and working until 7 and other where I take two hours for lunch to exercise while working longer. But days where I had to leave at X time for dates unless there was an emergency.

[sjoes006]

I finally decided to make it a priority and would tell them in advance I have a date in Wednesday of next week and am leaving at 4:30 let me know if this doesn't work. BUT it was easy to sell them on that and harder for me to actually leave because I hate leaving things unfinished on my desk.

But as soon as I made that decision I started meeting better guys and within 3 months met a guy I was crazy about that would become that steady relationship I was looking for.

Before that most men walked away bitter because I couldn't give them the time or attention they needed and they always felt like third choice which wasn't fair.

[shadowlegend]

Two points here, 1. If he values you, and is interested in keeping you in his life, he WILL prioritize you, not provide excuses. 2. If your needs aren't being met, emotionally or otherwise, that is a reasonable reason not to continue the relationship. You shouldn't wait around hoping he will give you more attention if you aren't feeling fulfilled, or resort to begging or manipulation (not that you are). But don't waste your time, when he would do everything to assure you that you are a priority, if he really was interested in you.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with someone who is very busy too, but he has been very honest about his schedule with me. So I think he is telling the truth. But I don't know him so well, so I am giving him a chance as he seems sincere. What you have to do it find out if your guy is sincere. If he is, then being a workaholic is fine. Just know how much of that you can put up with too. Eventually, you don't want him to say work comes first, you should come first.

[ovodm]

Only wait if you're really into him and feel that he's actually busy and not just trying to keep you as backup or hope you get him being "busy" as a hint that he may not like you

[Knuckles77]

Basically I'd stick to your theory. Objectively speaking, if you're into a guy, you'll definitely make time to see him right? I think it's no different in this situation.

As for the amount of communication you can expect, everyone is different. I call to set up dates, then I'm off the phone. I don't text or call in between dates. Why? Cause that's why we're going on the date to begin with. To get to know each other. If you're going to talk about everything on the phone, why go on the date? Also I can't see your body language or facial expressions. Those are often very revealing.

Having to end dates and phone calls because of business could be legit, depending on what he does and how often it happens. Does he have the kind of job that could happen in? Also what times are the calls coming in at? Another possibility is he's married or is seeing someone else. Saying those are his "clients and business calls". I would hope your friend wouldn't set you up with a guy like that.

How many dates and how many phone calls have been interrupted by business? Ask yourself if you could even tolerate that long term supposing he's interested.

When your out together is there any physical clues about his intentions? Does he kiss you? Hold hands etc. That's probaly the most convincing sign. Does he compliment you? What is his body language saying to you? Use your women's intuition. Who calls who to set up dates? Is he presuing you? Or you him?

My advice is this. Basically I'm thinking he's not that into you, but you can do one of two things to find out what's going on. 1. Ask him directly, tell him what you noticed and see what he says. 2. Don't call him, don't text him, and see if he keeps trying to imitate contact. If he makes no attempt I'd say that says everything.

[Anonymous]

I like the answers Guys vs Girls. Just amazing. Look at all the stories from the guys... you have to understand that guys need to work their shit off to reach somewhere, to have some goals in life. The moment some guy is all for being supported by his parents, live on their money and go dating all day long, then he is no good and has no future, because he is not "on his own".

The moment the guy works for something LONG TERM, which involves not having much of a social life (cause come on, these things don't go hand in hand that much), then girls like shadowlegend show up and say that guys should put the girl before everything else and if he is too busy tell him to get lost.

I personally was in a situation with a girl that I loved. I truly did and I told her that. Just that I did not feel I will have the time to give her the relationship she wanted. She didn't react that well. It doesn't mean that I didn't care about her. I did. It does not mean it did not hurt me when she didn't understand and told me to mind my business. It did! Like hell !!! But I know the way it was going at that point, we were not going to last for long, so I thought that the timing is wrong.

I don't really look back and say "what if I gave it a shot?". I am 100% sure we wouldn't have lasted and I know what I was going through. I was expecting her to have a more mature approach.
If you need other details let me know.

I earlier asked a question regarding the girl in my story. I usually don't do this, but if you could take a look and provide an opinion I would greatly appreciate it.

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1809587-why-did-she-turn-her-back-on-me-on-the-street

[Azara]

@ᗰIᑎᑕᕼᗩᑎ personally was in a situation with a girl that I loved. I truly did and I told her that. Just that I did not feel I will have the time to give her the relationship she wanted.

di you say this in response to something she actually asked for, or did you just make that assumption bc on its own it just sounds presumptuous and condescending... that might have been why she didn't ' react well'.. not bc you could not give her what she wanted, but you took it upon yourself to decide what that was and then make a judgement as if she's needy, without actually discussing it.

did you know what she actually wanted concretely? or did you guess?

[brain5000]

Girls are attracted to wealthy, ambitious guys... until they enter relationships with wealthy, ambitious guys.

[NearlyNapping]

" If a guy likes you, he'll make time to be with you."

I've heard this before also. But anyone who says this has never worked long hours. I have no way of knowing if he's telling the truth. But it COULD be completely legit. If he's at work dealing with clients, then heck yea he needs to attend to it. This could be 100% legit.

There are lots of people out there who are like that. They have very little to no free time. It's not always their choice either. There are plenty of jobs where you either put in the time, or find a new career.

[Crimsonmoon]

even if he is busy he should make time to spend with you. whether that be face to face or not. at least texting during the day ( actual conversations not just a good morning, how's your day BS) everyone has a different opinion of making time but if he can't be bothered to talk to you, why bother entertaining feelings?

[Asker]

I'm not questioning that it's legit -- it is. I've seen it. The whole neighborhood sees it. He just doesn't know how to say "my office hours are..." It's the reason his last lady left. He's a good guy, but just doesn't know how to make time for himself or for non-work stuff.

[Rapandu]

have some patient and after several dates talk with him. ask him directly, say what you want. keep is simple with us men. we are simple creatures.

ask and you will find it out (especially if he's a responsible man as by your description) he will let you know.

[sjoes006]

More than likely not. I've seen this so many times from women of different ages. He will use evasive language so as not to lie to you but also try to keep up the good deal he has going on.

[Asker]

@sjoes006: He doesn't currently have any deal going on... He works, I work, he calls for meetups that he can't keep, and the ones me keeps we end up being busted up by event planning people who want him or me to do stuff for them.

[Rapandu]

do not try to make excuses for him. you could be right, but everybody in your shoes usually makes subjective excuses why the other person cannot find time to meet up.

[oldanddecrepid]

I think it is important to get the one on one time in. If the guy/girl is so busy they have no time for the person, then they need to rethink their schedule and fit the person in!

I would hope the guy you are referring to does not find time for his buddies, but excludes you. That is just BS when a guy does that... it just means you rank last in his life.

Why bother then?

[slatyb]

Does it even matter what he thinks? He has no time for you. That's not likely to change. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are begging for scraps of attention?

[sjoes006]

^ Listen to this man. It doesn't matter why but it also won't get any better. He's choosing not to make being in a romantic relationship a priority in his life for whatever reason but it has nothing to do with you. You could waste years on a guy like this if you settle for what little he gives.

[tyber1]

The way I see it he has everything you want but time. It's up to you to decide if you can accept that. Is it worth turning down a great guy because of less than ideal circumstances?

[Asker]

I don't know if it's considered "turning down" if you're interested in each other but he physically cannot be away from his work/etc. for more than 10-15 minutes. We literally can't even meet up for a leisurely coffee. Even when he tells his friends "I'm going to go meet up with my girl." and says "I'm on my way to meet up with you." we end up at opposite sides of a banquet hall helping other people out and texting each other in the interrum. There's no time to chit chat or get to know one another, just these odd National Lampoon type encounters.

[brain5000]

If he doesn't have time for you, then his feelings are moot. He doesn't have time for you; he doesn't have time for anyone. Can't take that personally/hasn't anything to do with feelings.

Now, as for this nonsense of "if he likes you, he'll make time for you" - how well do you know this guy? Why would he make time for you? You have to rank pretty high for someone with end-to-end calendaring to reserve many spots for you.

[Asker]

If a guy asks a girl out -- and keeps calling/texting to meet up -- the implication is that he will make the time. It has nothing to do with "ranking pretty high," it's a matter of respecting other people.

[brain5000]

Yes, I agree that if a guy is calling and texting to meet up, he is making a commitment. It is fair to expect him to honor that commitment as a matter of basic courtesy and respect. Upvote. Is that what is happening? Is he making commitments and then not following through?

[Asker]

Yes. He'll say "let's meet at..." and text/call me all day AND EVEN at the place, but we don't get to spend more than a sec together bc when people see us they tend to pull me to a project or pull him to a project. I'd never be at that place unless he's suggested it to begin with. Then he complains that everyone at the place depends on him too much. "I was there to meet you and for dragged off." If he knows that's what will happen, why pick that place? Also, when people saw us messaging each other they started rushing up time to ask if I was going out with the guy. It was weird.

[Stoner710]

Both its important for guys to know your interested and texting is away to communicate with him why leave romance for one night a week

[sephylove]

I feel like the only 2 times a guy will give you his full attention is when he wants pussy or he's totally in love. Seriously.

[jm1014]

as a very busy person i think it's hard to have a relationship while being career oriented in your life but it is possible. you should just accept the fact that he's busy and deal with the amount of time he can afford to pass with you. if he fails professionally because he went shopping with you during 5 days and missed his appointments you will feel guilty. with time he will be more free and pass more time with you.

[Asker]

I'm a busy professional as well. How cliche to presume I want a guy to waste his time shopping with me, or to presume I like shopping.

A fellow should have time for a proper coffee, though.

[fulloflife]

if he was worth it he'd make time 4 u