Boyfriend is being distant after losing his job. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Me and boyfriend (45) have been dating for about 4 mos. Things were going great and he incorporated me into weekends with his kids, told me he loved me and saw potential for a future together (I feel the same). And then his company shut down with very little notice.

I know he's stressed. He tried to give me an out saying that I deserve more than he can provide right now. I also know those feelings aren't uncommon when men lose their jobs -there is a lot of pressure on men to provide. I want to be supportive and a good partner so I stayed strong during conversation and told him that I know what I deserve, he is not holding me back, and I know where my boundaries are. I would make my own decisions on whether or not my needs are being met. He seemed relieved that I didn't run the other way and I was happy that he and I made the decision together to move forward.

He asked for space and trust which is fine and I have been respectful of that, I don't get sweet texts throughout the day anymore and I don't know when I am going to see him next, plans are tentative. He says talk to you "soon", or see you "soon." He's been networking, working on finding a job, and has some side projects keeping him busy and I know that giving space is important so he gets his feet back on the ground. This isn't something that I can try to help with or "fix" for him, I have to let him crawl into his man cave and figure it out. I don't want to add any pressure or make him feel emasculated so I am remaining positive, kind, and loving, not mothering, smothering, or questioning him and being there when he needs me to.. if he wants to talk, I listen but I won't bring it up unless he wants to. I trust him fully. However, I am also feeling a little bit hurt that he won't commit to plans with me and communication took a huge drop. I miss him and am hoping that once his situation is back on the up, we'll get back on track. Has anybody gone through this and have any advice to offer?

[gergie15]

I went through a similar situation with my boyfriend ( now ex) We too have been dating for 4 months. Everything was wonderful. We had a lot in common same values and same goals. he thought the world of me. He was unemployed for a while and was struggling to find a job. In March he basically shut down and secluded himself him his room away from me and our freinds. I hardly saw him but was giving him his space. I was there for him and stood by his side knowing things would be better. He too would call himself names such as lame etc. Friday he broke up with me saying he isn't feeling the way he thinks he should be and feels as if we werent growing closer which i find to be bs. How could we if he was locked inside his room. Well he now has a temp job until summer but I am missing him like crazy. I hope he comes back at some point and realizes he made a mistake. Just tell your guy you are there for him and do sweet things for him. I wish you the best of luck!!

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear that. It was so hurtful to hear him speak poorly of himself, that is when I realized just how hard this is on men. I am trying and while he's a little distant, he hasn't shut me out and his attitude toward me is still loving. Space, I have learned, is good he seems to appreciate that I am respecting it. I hope that with some time and space your guy will come around (mine too!). Sorry I am an advice seeker and have no good advice for you on the subject.

My ex husband hated his job and felt he wasn't moving in the direction he wanted to, yet he did nothing about it and it drove me nuts. I tried to be encouraging with him but he shut me out and ultimately drove our marriage to the ground. My fault in that was trying to help and get frustrated rather than give him proper space. I am trying to avoid that mistake a second day time. These circumstances really bring to the surface people character and how they handle adversity.

[sailorjupiter]

is he one of the oil and gas employees? yup, right now it's a quite challenging situation for some companies. I think you can be there for him, by try to not bring the conversation about it unless he's the one who talk about it at the first place. and I think it's quite good if you can just forward his some information about new job hiring, to show him that you're supportive and always behind him in this situation. He'll be okay, there's a lot of companies out there who is still hiring, for example if he's an engineer before this, he can always try to apply into consultant or account manager level, based on his technical background experiences. He'll quite a valuable asset for some companies out there, just wait for the right time come

[Fritz81]

Yeah it just sounds like he is depressed. Even being a girl I would probably not be in the mood to send sweet, flirtatious texts when I am super bummed out about something. I have to say to keep doing what you are doing. Be supportive and there when he needs you. Do not be needy and ask why he isn't paying attention to you, it is not about you right now and he does not need that pressure too. I think you are handling it exactly right and maybe just a couple texts a day to check in and say hi because guys still appreciate support. Once he finds a new job and gets settled in he will be happy again and back to his old self.

[Poppykate]

He doesn't love you any less. A lot of a man's confidence is in the job that he holds. He is currently working his tail off trying to get a job. It's the top priority in his mind. Allow him to focus on that, and take a back seat for a while. Things will come good again.

[Asker]

I know he cares for me, I just want to make sure I am being a good partner. It breaks my heart to know he feels deflated and want him to feel confident in himself and with me. When I didn't take the out, he said it was assuring that this between us is real, I want him to remember that yet not smother him or be too demanding while still keeping the connection.

[Poppykate]

I think that at this rough patch of his life, just being there, and telling him that you are there if he needs you is probably enough. I know it is rough on you! (I have been there for 3 looooong months). You might notice some terrible mood swings, that can be hard to not take personal. Just remember, it is not you. We will all just hope and prayer he gets a job very soon!

[Asker]

Thank you. I am sorry to hear you are on the same boat. It's not a fun place to be. 😕

[jabbafo]

I'm going through this on a lower level. I just graduated and haven't found a career job, and I feel like a loser, I tell my woman all the time that she deserves better. And that I don't want to be holding her back from life, but she is a trooper and sticks with me.
He must love you a lot, to be willing to set you free so that you can have a better life (even though we both know that's not what you want, nor her) but as men, it's our responsibility to make sure those around us are happy and satisfied, even if we're struggling with our own lives.
Once he finds a job, everything will be better, it's all about self esteem, and right now he has none. Just keep being supportive and don't be pushy. Things will work out in due time. Just be honest and let him know that you are aware of what's going on and you understand his self esteem is shot. That type of honesty and communication goes a long way in life and relationships.

[Asker]

Thank you. And good luck on your job search.

[bryon]

This was not only a swift kick in the ego but to the self confidence as well. This will improve with securing a new job and the ability to regain a sound income and financial stability

[Asker]

Thank you for responding. I'm sure he feels terrible, when he came over to tell me he was basically a 'loser' I knew just how down he was feeling. In maintaining that balance between giving space yet being the one putting effort towards some sort of normalcy in our relationship I feel there is a fine line I am dancing on. Our time together is high quality and he seems happy to see me but I sort of have to make the effort and at the same time not push... Should I stop and let him be the one to make plans? He is not a multi-tasker so I just throw stuff out like, "Are you available for beef roast and episode 5?" and keep it low-pressure and not spendy. I guess, I am afraid of doing too little or too much. Do you think I am on track here? I am willing to put my head down for a bit so long as things improve later on. I truly care for this man. Also, any advice on how I can better support him?

[bryon]

You are right , he is experiencing a self esteem shortage that's a given. You are thinking very clearly on how to approach this situation. I'm not sure how well you relate to his kids , but in my opinion it would lift his spirits immensely if you called him up and asked if it would be cool to take the kids to the park or to see a movie. If that is agreeable then you and the kids have a little one on one and bonding time. Afterward call him and see what he would like to have for dinner. It shows him that with you the world still turns and the sun will rise again , it shows you are there despite this set back. I know he asked for time , in reality help and support does work better

[Asker]

I have never spent alone time with his youngest (the other two are grown and rarely around). I think he feels that since I do not have kids, it may be intense for me but his daughter and I have a great connection and I do love kids. I did offer to keep her busy with some crafts that she wants to learn and either have her over to my place or come to his place if he needs to focus on his own stuff for a while. I got a "maybe" response to that also.

Thank you for letting me know that my thinking is clear on this. I get opposite advice from girlfriends but I think they just don't understand. I am not #1 nor can I be right now, keeping a roof over and feeding his family has to be #1 even if it means that my feelings are a little hurt at the moment. I'm really trying to not take it personally but feelings are feelings and I have to honor them.

[bryon]

Having been there before it's different. I had an adorable Wife for my support system. If after offering once again he is still reluctant then just bide your time be patient , it will get better

[Asker]

Thank you. :)

[bryon]

You are most welcome. Hope he finds employment soon , and you both can get back on track

[bryon]

Thank you young Lady

[Asker]

He got a job and the very next day it felt like that wall he had built up came down and he is back to being my kind and sweet boyfriend again. Thank you.

[bryon]

I am so glad things worked out. I know the weight of the world dropped off his shoulders and his world brightest back up in front of you. You don't need to thank me young Lady , you stuck beside him through all of this ; what's more important is , he knows it

[lightbulb27]

God oh mighty, could you please start a training program for women! You get the Girlfriend Golden star award x2! That makes you a 2 star General!

Yea, you are really healthy and what he is doing is bad, although I get it. Guys get depressed losing their job and it can be tough... and if he is introvert, he's gone into his cave and doesn't want to come out.

See if you can get him out to talk to him. He needs some education on women, communication, and relationships more so than job. He's being immature by not expressing his vulnerabilities with you when he could be strengthening his relationship. Wish there were more training classes for men, I'm trying to create that. he should be out here on this site asking what to do! Also, he could learn that by losing that job, it creates opportunity for something else (a positive view)... but I don't know his stresses with kids, house, etc.. it may be hard on him.

[Asker]

Thank you, I am trying.

[Anonymous]

Gold star to you. You're doing fantastic.

He will need to land again, get back up on his feet. Few men are willing to show themselves crawling in the dirt. Which you seem to understand perfectly so I won't dally there. Once he has found stability once more I am convinced you two can get back to where you were. With him doubly sure of where you stand.
His seemingly rather intense pursuit of getting back to normal is admirable in a sense. Certainly shows character.

The only thing I dislike about this picture is where he wishes to choose for you. While saying it is one thing you should have probably just snapped him on the nose and told him that you will be with who you want to be with and you're capable of making that decision yourself. Adding that you want him isn't a bad touch.

[Asker]

Thank you, I am trying and forums like these help.
I didn't snap him on the nose, but I did tell him that I set my own boundaries and can decide for myself whether or not my needs are being met. If I found that they weren't then I can decide if it's time to end it. He seemed pleased to hear that and thanked me for not running away.

[Asker]

And I agree, it shows his character and how he handles himself when faced with adversity. Overall I think it's going well given the circumstances he is in and stress he is under.

[somebodysaycheese]

I think validating is best, men in general need to feel validated. Lets him now you appreciate him, think he is amazing and that he will find another job and you don't see him as less manly or competent. Maybe take him out to do something he likes maybe hiking, out to dinner see his family whatever just let him know you support him.

[abc3643]

Well, you actually are doing the right thing so don't change. When he is back on his feet, he'll come alive again.

[Asker]

I hope so!

[Cava123]

Hi There, I found this chain really helpful. I was just leaving to go on a weekend trip when he called me with the news. My boyfriend was just about to finalize his divorce and lost his job it's been a couple months that he's thought something was going on behind the scenes and while he disguises it, I feel like he has been a bit off since then. The past couple days he's been distant, he had his kids for the weekend and was super busy and wanted to be alone last night. I asked him if he wants me to come over or if he wanted to do something later like skating or yoga but it seems like he just wants to go into a hole. It's hard, I want him to be able to lean on me but at the same time it feels like he's pushing me away. He's always shown so much affection and love and warmth, and made me feel irresistible to him. I'm not sure what to do and how to best help him. I want to be supportive without being suffocating. What could be going on in his head?

[Anonymous]

Most men don't even bother getting into a relationship unless they're secure financially. A woman's value is her body a man's value is what he brings to the relationship with a sexist as that might sound it doesn'tchange the facts.

Each gender knows they need to have something to offer the other gender. Therefore he currently sees himself as having no value to a woman the same way a woman that felt ugly might see herself as having no value to a man.

[Asker]

I understand this. He is surprised I didn't run the other direction. He always talks about wanting to show me off and take me out on the town which he did a lot of but obviously he had to cut back on spending. How can I be an encouraging partner without mothering or being overbearing. I want this to make us, not break us. I am doing little things and not bringing it up but listening when he does, not trying to help him or force him to talk. I am letting him pay for small dates because I paid for a bunch of concert and baseball tickets so I know he feels terrible about that, but I am also suggesting I cook then he can buy us a drink or two or walks around the park, tea and people watching late at night... stuff so we still have a date but not have to go all out on spending. I want to maintain a sense of normalcy and don't want him to stress about my needs yet make sure we remain connected.

[Opinion Owner]

You sound like you are doing everything right to me. At this point I think it is just going to come down to how well he can handle his insecurities. We all get insecure, but sometimes we let them take over. You sound like you are being very supportive. That is as much as you can do on your end.

[Asker]

Thanks

[worldscolide]

I can tell you the last time i lost a job i took a huge hit to my confidence, I suddenly saw my self as unworthy. This is more than likely what is going through his head. Trust me, be supportive, and maybe assist in job searches, that is the best thing for him. When he feels like (pardon the cliche) a man again things will likely go back to the way they were or possibly even better.

[worldscolide]

I should qualify, dont make it obvious you are assisting, Drop hints or suggestions, like i heard such and such is hiring, and stuff like that. This is something he will have to figure out though

[Asker]

Absolutely. I mentioned some places I knew of and had contacts at and left it at that. He doesn't want my help but I can still encourage him and build his confidence, right? He ran his resume past me and I gave some objective feedback which I think he appreciates. I am letting him ask for help when and where he needs it.

[worldscolide]

Oh heck yeah you can be encouraging. He might be grouchy, and might say he doesn't want help but deep down inside he is assimilating the information you are giving him and figuring out how to use it.

You sound like a very good girlfriend to him, He is lucky to have someone supportive.

[Asker]

Thank you, I am trying.

[apple24]

No advice! Leave him alone. Thats what I do. I let them figure it out.

[Asker]

Definitely agree with you there. Man's got to be a man and figure it out on his own. But this is really hard on him and though I can't fix this for him, I can be there next to him as his partner and encourage him, be a listening ear when he needs, and be someone he can trust. Trust and openness is something he struggles with but seems to be OK with me, I learned that if we lay down in my bed and shut the lights off, he feels comfortable to talk. I just need a little guidance navigating this tough time, I want us to come out of this stronger than ever.

[apple24]

Yeah I guess. I agree with all that as well. But I rather he just figure it out on his own. Maybe suggest some thearpy or something. Ya know. Like me for example I am afraid and I need to get a job! No one is holding my hands! I had to do this on my own... And people think I am weak and lame for never working before but meh! I'll be strong for me. You can't be there for everyrhinf after all your not his mama and even my ma wouldn't hold my hand haha!

[Asker]

I understand that, there is also a deep correlation between time spent on a career and how it makes a man feel. He's been doing this for over 20 years, has kids to feed, and is trying to maintain a relationship. It's not holding his hand, it's being his partner as this is a super difficult time for him -he calls it crisis time. He and I are both divorced and feel we were taken for granted, we both want to be good partners though I understand his mind is elsewhere at the moment -as it should be. I just need some navigation on how I can better encourage him and be a good partner during this time so we make it out stronger. He already feels unworthy, ignoring him won't show him that I am in this for the long haul.

[TooNice1]

How did this turn out for you?

[soupfairy]

You have only been together 4 months. Maybe this will pass when he gets a new job, out you could be seeing a side of him you may not want to deal with everytime things are not going his way.

[Asker]

Obviously it's a stressed side of him which is not ideal but to "not want to deal" with it would mean that I am in this for myself. And it's more than just things not going his way, when you have a home and a family to provide for, it's more than just a job, it's your livelihood

[soupfairy]

I have a home and family as well do I understand that. But I also understand that life gets difficult for everyone and if you are going to mistreat the people close to you during difficulties that you still have some growing up to do. That's just my opinion you can do what you want but I just don't tolerate pity parties from my kid so definitely not from a grown man.

[Asker]

I think that's a little harsh for my standards but we all have our own ways. I wouldn't say he's having a pity party, I'd say he's being a man and he's working really hard to land at a good, secure place. I'm proud of him and get high quality time when I do get it -he's not mistreating me. We've just slowed down a bit and I completely understand why it happened I just need some advice on how to be supportive and keep us connected during this time.

[soupfairy]

I would try to be supportive but not coddling

[Anonymous]

maybe you should ask him to come out with you for dinner or something in the weekend. and let him know that you feel the way you do... sounds like you care about him a lot. that was quite the essay you wrote for him

[Asker]

I do but I get tentative plans. 😕

[Opinion Owner]

have you tried being direct? how often does he contact you?

[joeclem111]

Not much you can do. He has to rediscover his manhood before he can move on.

[Asker]

Thanks.

[JC103]

Your man is being a man. Are you willing to say with him?

[Asker]

Of course I am! I want to be a good partner and be supportive I could just use some guidance on how to be what he needs right now. And some reassurance that things do get better once his feet are back on the ground?

[JC103]

Then be a woman and do your womanly shit. Surprise him with something that cheer him up and while he's happy and all, break it down to him ask him what he needs. If he tells you than do it but then if he ignores you... Well I think you should get the hint. without communication in a relationship it's just chaos and its doomed to end

[Asker]

Right, but isn't this circumstantial? He has a family to feed, I'd say it's high stress/crisis mode in which case I get the being distant during this time. He's got to handle his business and get his feet on the ground and other lyrics he can do that -mothering him will only make him feel less of a man. I am plenty in touch with my feminine energy, staying positive when we spend time together and being an ear when he needs it. I am cooking his favorite meals, surprised him with tickets to see a show he wanted to go to, finding things to occupy his daughter so he can relax, and trying to keep the normalcy yet still respect that he asked for some time/space. The difficulty is that it's at my expense emotionally and so some advice from someone who has gone through it, how they managed as a couple, did it improve etc. Is appreciated.

[Asker]

I wouldn't say he's ignoring me, he is, no doubt, distracted and I get that. I guess I'm afraid of doing too little or too much. There's that fine line, I want to encourage but not smother but I also don't want to come off as aloof, he's already feeling "unworthy." Our time together is high quality and he really opens up on his own accord. Overall I think things are going well given the circumstances but I want to know how other couples survived a tough period like this and how I can help encourage my man and I want him to trust that I'm not going to run because he is temporarily broke.

[JC103]

See... I didn't tell you to mother him, I told you to surprise him with something so he'll open up and drop it on him. Ask him what's going on and how can you help or if you should even stick around. You'll know by his answer and his body language.

[Asker]

We had that talk when he gave me an out. He told me he loves me but he felt like a loser and I deserve more. He opened up a lot and I assured him that I wasn't going anywhere. He's distant when we're apart but he is open and talks when we are together and he is attentive and loving. He tells me I'm a good girl and he appreciates me and is glad that I didn't run from him. He doesn't want help, but i want to encourage him just need a little guidance there. I do lots of nice things for him little things to cheer him up.. cook his favorite meals, have his favorite chocolates at my house, gave him a BJ to help him relax. I'm not confused about his feelings, I just need some advice on navigating this tough time.

[JC103]

I think you should've taken the out. What you're doing right now is just fine, sometimes a man just like to come home to his reasons. If he doesn't wife you up by the end of this, he's a dummy. I'll gladly be your man after all this

[Asker]

Ha! Well, the hope is that we'll come out of this stronger and as a team.

[JC103]

It's going to make you or brake you but as the voice of reasoning make sure you know when to call it quits. I'm just worried you'll get caught up

[Asker]

My ex husband helped me set my limits. I know where my boundaries lie and refuse to cross them again... he took me for granted and ignored me for years because he "didn't think I would leave." I am patient but I am no longer a doormat.

[JC103]

Good!

[skykidx1]

Am happy your not longer a door mat and he's right things will get better when he finds a job. Last year I spent 24 hours a day doing nothing but finding a job... it took half a year then amother year just to find a stable job. but let me tell you I truly felt like a loser not having a job... next step is a car.

[heyyou111]

cause he got no money for you! leave him alone and let him free from your hands

[Asker]

I don't need his money, I own my own place, pay my own bills, and amore financially stable. I didn't rub my success in but I did tell him that he's in no way holding me back.

[Asker]

And *am* -dumb autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Invite him for a dinner at home