Do men prefer to be WANTED or NEEDED?

Question

So it seems sometimes, many times, that men prefer to be needed over wanted. No, this doesn't mean they only want one, but it's like men try to make their utility to us known. Some are blatant about it, others more subtle. Like they'd prefer to be needed MORE than wanted.

I know this is wrong, but I've purposely acted stupid and ditzy, well, stupider I should say. And male attention did increase. Someone here also did something similar and got similar results. How is being stupid the same as needing someone? Well, dumb people need extra help. 
Here's her take   

A trait that many men, foolishly, overlook is insecurity. This leads to very needy women who their 'want' becomes obsessive to "need". I've always felt like it's an even somewhat preferred trait of many men. Insecure women (people) are easier to manipulate and make you feel needed more.

Men seem to also be turned off by the whole "independent women" types. I get it, we can be arrogant sometimes. But insecurity=/=humility.
I don't know, I pay my own bills, have been taking care of myself AND my family for nearly a decade and I'm barely turning 25. I drive my own car, I go to school and work. I know I don't have time for mind games (Sorry this sounds like bragging). I'm not going to lie, I don't need a boyfriend, but when I get into a relationship, it's because I WANT him. It turns men off to hear this lol when in my mind, that seems flattering. I'm not saying he's replaceable nor that men are dispensable, because when I fall, I fall hard.

So do men prefer to be wanted or needed? Like if you could have more of one, which would it be?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This is an interesting question... probably one that i debate a lot with my own mind. I'm the type of guy that likes to be open minded. But i was dating this girl once who was smart (like really smart) and pretty (8/10)... INDEPENDENT (meaning... she had a job and didn't really need a "man") and her conversations were always deep and she seemed like the girl i always wanted... but i don't know... she said that she really liked me but for some reason even tho she was really beautiful... i was not able to connect with her and i actually became distant from her and there was nothing i found interesting about her even tho we spoke on topics we both enjoyed.

We eventually broke it off and it really got to the point that even if she asked for sex... i would have said NO... its true. Weird considering that i always though i would end up with a smart intellectual independent women.

About 2 years later... i met a girl who was kinda struggling in life... about a 5/10 girl and i don't know why... but i asked her out... do you know she turned out to be the girl that made me feel like she needed me and it would come across in the simple unconscious feminine gestures she would do... like i remember once we were both walking on the sidewalk and there were a group of loud guys and she started to walk closer to me and i felt her grip tighten... in those moments i felt like she needed me and i got like an ego boost of confidence and felt like i can protect her... no i don't mean that women are weak and can't protect... its just an instinctual feeling that came over me that made me feel close to her.

Now don't get me wrong, i don't want a girl to cling onto me for dear life 24/7... NO no no. But having been through 7 girls in my life... dating mostly independent women... i never felt the same after the girl who showed me that she needed me... and i wanted to better myself just for her. Like people may think i'm stupid... but i enjoy getting out of bed and doing my best in life, i love taking her on a date and paying, i love when she feels cold, she snuggles up to me, i love when she cries or feels a bit of emotion... she comes to me to talk about it...

I have nothing against independent women... although as a guy it feels great to know that a girl NEEDS you. Weird... i know. I have debated this in my mind many times. I'm still confused as to why i feel like this. Maybe the decline in relationships is because men no longer feel needed.

Sinister · Accepted Answer

I voted both. There's events, acts and expressions of love that can only be satisfied by that one particular person EVEN THOUGH anyone else can do it, it's that one person the way he/she does could be the simplest thing and knowing that he/she does that for you brings about a inner warm feeling and makes you WANT that person that's what the feeling wanted part is for me even though I really don't think I could ever explain it in terms of how I feel. The needed part I think has many other ideas surrounding it that are not too healthy per say in terms of a r/s. Being called upon to do a ton of meaningless tasks or whatever it maybe that the other person could have done it effortlessly. Feeling needed is more on the acts of service idea that I know my exgf had no idea on how to fix things in her car and that she always called me to help her out. Did it get annoy sometimes yes because I'm doing the exact samething that I told her to do. I tried showing her but she would forget and say "yeah you told me but I forgot babe" I would still help her out. That's the needed part where she would always come to me with her car troubles and wouldn't just walk off when I was trying to show her she would actually watch and I'd have her in there changing out the parts.
I hope this helped explain the feeling wanted or needed for you.

redeyemindtricks · Accepted Answer

The problem that a lot of guys have, is that they mistake INDEPENDENCE (which is a good thing) for DETACHMENT, or, equivalently, aloofness/fundamentally antisocial character (which is a bad thing, as far as relationships are concerned).

"Independence" is, essentially, the ability to actually pull yr own weight -- and the extra weight of others, if need be, for some time. An independent person **CAN** function on her own... BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO, and that's where the misunderstandings start.

The guys who insist on being "needed" are the ones who mistake independence for aloofness/antisocial character -- for the type of personality that insists on "doing it mah damn self", ALL the time, regardless of actual capability.

These two traits aren't the same. In fact, either one can exist without the other.
I'm sure you've met some tragic examples of people who have the aloofness/antisocial character WITHOUT the capability for independence -- those sad, sad people who insist on trying to go it alone all the time, but who really just suck at life too much to pull it off.
yeahhh...

__

The IDEAL situation is to have a partner who's independent -- meaning she/he is capable of Handling Shit on her/his own -- BUT who is committed and dedicated to the relationship, because she/he WANTS to be.

Guys who don't realize this are, frankly, idiots. What if the unthinkable happens someday, and they have kids, and their kids are left with just their mother?
Wouldn't he be glad to have chosen a partner who's actually capable of... independence, in that case?
Yeah.

BellePepper · Accepted Answer

OOooooo! Good question! I'm super interested in the answers. Like, to me it seems like it would be a personal thing? Guy A might feel more loved/secure/whatever when his partner depends on him whereas Guy B wants more of a partnership and knows his partner can survive without him but still loves/values/etc... him enough to want him around?

Sara413 · Accepted Answer

I think it's weird to prefer to be needed than wanted.. like, if someone needs you that doesn't necessarily mean they're there because they love you... that doesn't feel satisfying to me. I want someone to be in my life by choice not out of necessity.

posted · Answer

Her take said 'dressed slutty with lots of makeup' under 2 points and she got tons of male attention was the general just, thats not really ditzy. If this was a scientific study, people would probably almost be LITERALLY rolling on the floor laughing.

Do guys want to feel needed? Probably. Especially since so many people like to fuck around and cheat.

Personally I would like a mix of both, if someone genuinely wants you and also heavily relies on you in certain areas, it's a lot better than the opposite.

SunDevil11 · Answer

I feel that the reason that more guys are being turned off to the strong independent type these days is because when a guy hears "I support myself just fine" or "I don't need a man" and they just assume that they (the guy) have nothing of value to offer to the woman so there is no way she would possibly date him and the guy decides to move on, which is sad because he may be missing out on a great opportunity. There are plenty of insecure guys out there who look or crave for that needy attention because it makes them feel better and validated as well

Maik567 · Answer

I definitely want both of them. I don't think the ratio between her needing or wanting me matters that much.

And I don't mean that she has to be completely dependent on me where she literally couldn't survive without me, that would be too much. But if she doesn't depend on me for anything then what kind of a relationship is that?

And yeah if I hear a girl saying shit like "I don't need a man" that's a pretty huge turn off and I most likely won't be hitting on her. I'd rather go for a girl who understands that depending on each other is a pretty important part of a relationship and she should want that as well.

ak666 · Answer

Wanted for me.

>> I know this is wrong, but I've purposely acted stupid and ditzy, well, stupider I should say. And male attention did increase.

It would increase from me as well if she's very cute or attractive. But that's my dick guiding my actions in this case thinking she's an easy score.

It's not the same quality I want in a real relationship. In those cases I value a girl who has some healthy level of independence since I find that's a prerequisite for me to maintain my own as well.

But of course some super cute girl running into sign posts and dropping everything does trigger an instinct in me to want to help her out with the dick hoping for a score. It's not the same type of girl I'd want around for long outside the bedroom.

Bandit74 · Answer

I interpret "I don't need a man" as you would like to have them but you couldn't give a fuck if you don't.

And then "need" is that they add so much to your life that you couldn't imagine not having them.

So I find need to be more flattering.

"I get it, we can be arrogant sometimes."

Yup, thats another factor to it. You've never struck me as being arrogant but most of the self proclaimed "i don't need a man in my life independent women" do come across as arrogant to me. I also get the vibe they sleep around more. Once again, not you, just in general.

ModernDayCrusader · Answer

I get what you mean. But it's not nice when you are living with an "independent" woman while you are paying rent and helping buy food etc etc
And then they throw things in your face or act like they can just leave whenever they want and find something better

I find that over intellectualized people, tend to treat others like garbage, couple that with a woman that makes more money than you and forget about it. She will always throw that in your face.

Men only value two things from women, how she looks and how she makes us feel.
And usually guys will sacrifice one for the other.
Women on the other hand expect a lot more from their partners.

I like feeling wanted, but want dies out and what's left? And being needed? That's a lot of responsibility

I don't want to be needed either. I want to be loved and respected that's it.

thisGUYknows · Answer

Wanted. For me, a girl "needing" me implies clingyness. I like independent women who can fend for themselves so to speak. Same thing goes for the opposite. I can "want" a girl. But I shouldn't "need" to be with her. I want a girlfriend not a second mom. Might sound weird or mean. But I am a firm believer that a person needs to be the source for their own happiness. Adding someone who makes you feel good is great. But it shouldn't be the source of 100% of your happiness/peace of mind.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm not sure.

I don't think I've ever experienced being flat out wanted without need mixed in enough to know.

And a major thing I want to do for a woman I love is be useful to her.

I don't know. I don't think I can break it down this way. Ultimately most people arent' like going to die if we don't date them, so it's all about 'wants', but those wants if they feel strong can feel like 'needs'.

I think what we're really getting at is how important is it that I feel useful to her in ways other than emotional support and sex. I like feeling useful to her in other ways I guess, to a point, though I realize that desire is maybe unhealthy.

frozenhorizon · Answer

It blows my mind that some men are turned off by women being independent, having a job and a car and their own living space and being happy with it, being intelligent enough to have conversations about complicated things and know things that the man doesn't know. How is that even possible? Being in a relationship with a girl who is like that sounds like fucking perfection.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know, my parents used to say: "Love is like oxygen, in its presence you should be strong, and in its absence you become weak and eventually die."

I don't know if I am ready for that strong of love. I would like someone who wants to hangout and do stupid shit when I am not busy. I don't want someone who is obsessed with me. I don't want some crazy person standing over me when I am sleeping.

Anonymous · Answer

It's a mix, but not an equal one.
We like independent women, they're a major turn on. But needing us emotionaly (the 20%) is what's needed to not see them as narcisists or not interasted in us, while wanting to be with us (80%), and showing that they want to be with us is the most important.

Anonymous · Answer

''Men seem to also be turned off by the whole "independent women" types. ''

Because many men are Independent like that... but females that also are independent will expect to have a boyfriend/husband who significantly earns more than her because she is ahead of the game in terms of other women.

Anonymous · Answer

needed or wanted depends what they need or want?
I prefer them feeling a strong need to jump on me a get busy but only wanting to talk I like talking and sometimes its nice to vent but im much more likely not to feel like talking if iv had a hard day than being physically close not just sex , cuddling up in the evenings as well.

apple24 · Answer

I AM NOT INTERSTED IN ANY SEX. women or male. I don't want or need you.

JohnDoe3000 · Answer

Wanted. I hate it when girls are not independent or play stupid/ditzy on purpose. Maybe that works with other guys but not with me.

peterjones · Answer

Neither I think - they prefer you to be approachable and show interest if you are interested/not play any games/hide behind insecurities etc.

FatherJack · Answer

Wanted & genuinely appreciated for what we do !! Sadly , many , if not most men feel neither needed nor wanted / appreciated by women in Western " societies " .

Toad-1 · Answer

I definitely prefer to feel wanted.. i love that feeling lol

geraya-sansey · Answer

if the men feels he be needed than he should know the time will come for that need to end, sooner or later.
but feeling wanted makes him feel that he has a big value, he is very important and that makes him feel secure too.

Bluemax · Answer

I vote E: I prefer to be admired.

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