Is it OK to get frustrated that my boyfriend is so Beta?

Question

One of the things that made me fall for my partner was the fact that he is so sweet and sensitive. 
I quite like/d being the more dominant ( that's not the word I want to use but I can't think of another one) protective one. 
I like feeling like the Alpha female. I don't know much of that I am in general, but my relationship kind of puts me there. 

He and I have a three year old and I'm 18 weeks pregnant. My daughter isn't his biologically, but she may as well be, and I am hugely protective of my family. There isn't a length I wouldn't go to... but sometimes I feel I'm on my own with that. Physically, my boyfriend is bigger and stronger than I am, but he doesn't make me feel safe, and sometimes I do need to feel that. 
I feel like if someone ever broke into our home, I'd be on my own with that. I'd go for it, anyone would, but it's not a nice thought. 
We rarely solve anything when we argue. He ends up walking away, and I back down because I feel too guilty. It's like kicking a puppy. 
I don't feel like this all he time, but occasionally I get frustrated. Sometimes I just want/need some assertion from him, but it's just never there.

mwin2030 · Accepted Answer

In my opinion you need to sit down and discuss your feelings with him openly and very directly, because this is a legitimate issue you’re facing and until it becomes resolved you’re going to continue to be frustrated with your overall relationship and life. Let me say what you’re feeling is very real and it is not uncommon, especially in this modern age we now find ourselves living in.

More and more I’ve heard similar confessions from friends and acquiesces who say they love how sweet and endearing their boyfriend/husband is, but wish he’d be more aggressive, or take a stand more, or be more assertive, but what individuals forget is that for the last decade or more, males have been taught by media and in the schools that girls can do anything a boy can do and males need to learn to get in touch with their feminine side and it is okay for a female to lead the dance.

So now you’re with someone who’s embraced such ideals with his personality, or he may have been this way his whole life; the complete debate between Nature versus Nurture acting upon him as he grew up, but you’re caught in the vacuum space between when males were taught to be tough, assertive, and alpha, and males being taught now to be less aggressive and it is okay to cry when you’re hurt. In my view, you can’t repress a person’s instinctive behavior and then not expect there to be fallout from such conditioning of said behavior.

Again, you’ll need to sit down and talk this out with him in a calm, rational, way. You need to let him know how you feel and how your desire is that you like how sweet he is and gentle, but you’d like him to also take a stand once in a while, make a choice and set to it, and you’d like him to be a little more assertive and not just walk away all the time, making you feel guilty as you say that you’ve just ‘kicked a puppy’.

Hopefully he’ll listen to you and work to find a balance between the passive nature he’s now and the more assertive, semi-alpha, male you’d like him to be for you that would make you feel safer and not make you feel as if you’re all alone in this sometimes and if someone ever did break into the home, you’d have him there at least at your side, a united pair fighting together, and not just you having to take up ‘arms’ to repel the invaders. It won’t be easy for him and the change won’t happen overnight, but if feel if he takes your worries and desires to heart he can find such a balance and be the person you really wish he’d become.

Good

Levin · Accepted Answer

Ah, another lady who wants her cake. Nah, I kid :D

These things are really hard in reality. We're dealing with that seems like a fundamental personality shift. It's also important to realise that a lot of these dynamics were often derived from parents, and from the atmosphere growing up.

If you look at the dynamics of yin and yang, or indeed, human interactions. Yin repels yin, yang repels yang. Yin is attracted to yang. The male energy (yang) is more forward moving and involved, but potentially a bit crude and blunt at times; the female energy (yin) is more allowing, passive, aloof and healing (We also use the ape and the crane metaphor in kung fu). Again, this is not about genders, this is about 'energy'. Each has their virtue and their pitfall, one is not better than the other. But ultimately, they balance each other out. Given people tend towards imbalance, it's likely that A. he may have not had a positive experience of male energy in his family. So being passive seemed like an entirely reasonable strategy to him, as I mentioned, no one is better than the other, each has positives and negatives. B. It's no coincidence that you're with one another, since you balance each other out.

Now you want to flip the polarity. But how can one do it? In reality, this is a tough question. Communication is key. Just say, you know, I'm not always right, I want you to take charge some times. The implications of my analysis, if you're following along with it, is that if you're taking control, then he will have to be passive. But if no one takes control, then that doesn't work either. How do people have those seemingly fundamental personality changes that I talked about? Probably partly though experience. Through getting pissed off. There's nothing like being talked down to by an an uncouth 'ape' for an overly passive crane to get pissed off and throw in some incisive blows, seemingly from nowhere! Ideally, the complete human being can shift between yin and yang as the situation and one's internal dynamics dictates.

Sorry, this is not the clearest, but I hope it helps in some way!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I am an alpha female who only likes being with submissive men. My husband is submissive to me. Does this mean he is weak? No. I know if our house was broken into he'd protect me and our baby.

You got with him knowing this was him. Maybe you see now that you need more or something different. Communication is key. Don't expect him to change. The only way to know how'd he react to a burglary is to be in that scenario.

KittieCat · Accepted Answer

You might want to sit down and talk to him about this. Express your concerns kindly and make sure he doesn't go into puppy kicking mode. If it doesn't work out you may be incompatable

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You chose to be with him knowing what he's like. You can't be mad at him for being who he is and showing who he is because you accepted it. I wouldn't want someone so passive either.

America1st · Answer

You are not happy for more than one reason. You may like being the "alpha female", but you want a man you can feel is really a man that can take care of himself as well as his family. You can still be the one in charge if the man likes that, but he has to be a man when it comes to certain things and you are missing those things because you want them. He isn't very likely to change and you are wasting your time thinking he will, regardless of what he says. Good luck and do what is right for you, not him.

JohnDoe3000 · Answer

You have to talk about this with your boyfriend, because this is something that can be solved given enough time and communication: he probably has more "alpha" traits inside of him but he suppresses them because he thinks you and society want him to. But understand it won't be an easy conversation and he might say he wants you to be a little less alpha in return.

Anonymous · Answer

Most of the first half is kinda gibberish honestly. Alpha, Beta... these are words you should us to describe dog behavior and not humans in complex relationships.

"Sometimes I just want/need some assertion from him, but it's just never there." that's basically it. This has nothing do with his ability to tackle a knife whiling manic that's threatening you. Seems like you're lacking this emotional component form him.

He needs to understand that's what you need from him. I don't think you're equipped to express that without sound confused or spouting phrases 18 y/o boys use to describe other weaker boys. Kids are involved and i assume one of them is his? You two could benefit from a couples counselor. The guy sounds rational and would be receptive.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

At first I thought you were some dude trolling as a girl to make fun of beta dudes. ... then I realized this was serious with no joke or punch line.

You got with him for reasons. Perhaps conveying to him that you want him to be a bit more assertive with certain things is better than complaining here... I didn't even see a question or a point being made... seriously, I didn't. Just complaining.

think_logic85 · Answer

He needs to make you feel safe from what? Do you live in the jungle where he has to be Tarzan and save you from a grizzly bear, Gorilla or something.

So the alpha lady needs to be saved, oh the damsel in distress, quite an alpha you are.

You are quite protective of your family? Emmm MANY are.

Also the alpha female doesn't know whose child she's carrying, seems like the a new Bridget Jones movie to me.

Lady sooner you get off the high cloud you are the better would it be for you.

Anonymous · Answer

It's not uncommon for people of both genders to want their partner to be one way sometimes, and to behave completely differently at other times.

You are lucky that you have a guy who is so much of what you want, so much of the time.

I get the impression that you really want to stay with him. That's good too.

Try sending him to a self-defence class and see if that changes his behaviour.

WalterRadio · Answer

You have really messed up the lives of four people.

You are going to break up with your boyfriend at some point, and then you will have two kids from different fathers you can't afford to take care of.

I strongly recommend you have an abortion NOW, while you still can. If you don't, for god's sake get your tubes tied.

You are a basketcase. You can't be helped.

Jpp97 · Answer

There is a strong difference from not being Alpha and not sticking and fighting for your family. To be honest most men hate to argue and most of the time lose them. I don't know your husband but I would be very surprised if anyone even a beta would not stick up and protect their family. It seems like you have a great guy mostly and will be good to you and your children, sometimes when we know people for along time we can find problems which either don't exist or aren't that big.

LeFrogDog · Answer

Tell him that you feel insecure. I'm sure he wants you happy and is not aware of it. Remember guys are not mind reads nor are we good a reading signals/cues.

Intraluminal · Answer

So what's your question? Are you asking if he could be at least more protective? Yes, I think he could be and would be if he knew that's what you wanted.

Anonymous · Answer

This your BF? Lol at him raising another man's child. ALPHA FUX/BETA BUX strikes again.

legs_n_sheets · Answer

And then people give me shit when I claim every decision women make its based off security, and according to female's directionality. It's a survival trait all women have.

So yeah, it's intrinsic your need for protection, and security.

Phoenix98 · Answer

Then talk to him about it communication is the key to a long lasting and healthy relationship.

fenixx0083 · Answer

"Women marry (/date/relationship/etc...) men hoping they will change, men marry (etc, etc...) women hoping they won't change"... Good luck with that...

Anonymous · Answer

Well shit break up with him then, I bet that in the start you said you just want a sweet caring nice guy now you don't. look sorry to say, and I'm speaking from experience, you cannot get a dominant and caring sweet guy they don't exist. You get a dominant guy and he's hella controlling , I mean he cares but not how you want it. Or you get the sweet guy like you described and you will call him a"beta" and break up with him.

Anonymous · Answer

Lol what a sissy, i'm a beta male, i'm submissive to women but i'm not effeminate, i'm shy and sweet but i can protect women and be there for them, i think he is more than beta, he is just weak, beta doesn't mean weak, it just means less dominant more willing to follow than lead.

Anonymous · Answer

This whole beta thing is bullshit. Do women have names for their personalities? Basically what you're saying is that when you're arguing, you want him to argue back instead of just walk away from the argument.

Anonymous · Answer

OMG, i am in the situation with my boyfriend, i feel frustrated on a monthly basis, but also feel really sweet most times; as we are not married yet, I worry whether he has what it takes to get through tough life. Also agree with Levin, very much based on how you are brought up. He came from such a spoiled family everything provided for taken care of.

retroxyz · Answer

What is it that women want?
If he alpha you complain
If he is beta you complain
Some even go as far as feminising their men. ... alpha or beta make up your minds people... your making men confused here

RationalMale · Answer

Simple. No alpha man would taking care of another man's child like he is.

Is it OK to get frustrated that my boyfriend is so Beta?

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