Why can't I trust my girlfriend? Please help.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months. Allow me to preface this by saying that I am 27 years old and have had 3 serious relationships in the past 10 years, 2 of which I was cheated on. I was also cheated on in my first serious relationship when I was 14. I have never been unfaithful to anyone, and I take cheating very seriously. I actually find the idea of monogamy very sexy...and my biggest fear is being a victim of infidelity, losing the one I love.

I've always had a problem trusting my girlfriends in the past, but for the first time in my life, I really trusted this one because she always wanted to spend time with me, she was always complimenting me, and we made love every single day. Even if she wasn't really in the "mood", she would do it anyway because I could get her there pretty easily. She made me feel very good about myself.

Now, everything has changed. She keeps turning me down when I want to make love, she doesn't ever seem to be excited to see me, and she wants more time alone. I'm a fairly attractive guy, but I keep worrying that she's interested in someone else. She's very pretty and has lots of friends, and it worries me all the time.

As for making love less often, she says that I don't let her "miss it", and she wants to miss it, apparently. We still do it 2-3 times a week, but what concerns me is that it just suddenly dropped. I'm always asking her questions about what she's doing, and it's starting to p*ss her off. If she really is being faithful, then I can understand why. I really want to trust this woman because I love her with all my heart, but every time she's not around me, I think she's doing something she shouldn't be doing. She's never given me a reason to not trust her; it's just that she wants more time alone now and doesn't seem to be attracted to me as much anymore.

She has an 8 year old son and she lives in the same apartment building as I do. We actually work at the same place too, but on different sides of the building. You'd think this would deter me from these thoughts, but it doesn't. I'm constantly thinking up ways that she could possibly be getting away with it.

What the hell is wrong with me? She trusts me and tells me "I KNOW you will never cheat on me" and says that quality is hard to find in a guy, but I don't understand how anyone can "know". Is there anything I can do to trust her again? I don't think she would cheat on me, but I still don't trust her, and I still think about it all the time.

I also want to add that when I ask her why she seems so disinterested in me lately, she says that she just gets "comfortable" in relationships after a while, and doesn't stress out about not seeing her boyfriend as much. I'm not like that though...
I forgot to add that she deletes all of her texts and e-mails on her phone pretty much daily. I asked her why she does that and she said she doesn't know, she just likes it like that. Seems odd to me.


Most Helpful Girl

  • OK.. First things first, you have to understand that what happened to you in the past is in the past. And it was with different people and different situations. You can not go into a relationship with doubts! You have to trust the person or it will not work! There are a few things that I read from your info that is a red flag with this relationship.. Meaning, you have to change things if you want the relationship to work. 1st: Don't start questioning her all of the time and checking up on her often, she will know you are and this will push her away, who wants to be babysat of told what to do, It makes you feel like a child again with your parents always checking up on you. Not good. 2nd: You spend too much time together. The beginning of a relationship is always exciting and couples can't get enough of each other in the beginning. It's completely normal to start feeling like you want some more space. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or want to be with you, it just means she wants to have her life back to being more normal as it was before, but with you added into it. And honestly, who wants to have to change their whole life to for a relationship, no one should, though you will have to make compromises and maybe change a few things, hanging out with her friends and spending some time by herself is a good thing. She needs that time for herself. Plus, when you have time away from the one you love it will only help you to realize how great they are to you and how much you want them in your life and don't want to lose them. If she truly cares about you, she will only really see how much she cares if she has some time away! Another thing, you live by each other and work by each other, she probably feels like she's always go eyes on her back, make a point to not be home when she is sometimes, or at least when you know she will be coming home. So she won't think he's looking out of his window watching me..

    The next advice, you should listen to carefully.. Think about this, You wake up and stub your toe, then you are running late, get toothpaste on your white shirt, don't have time to change, get in the car and get stuck in traffic, get to work 20 minutes late, your boss calls you in to get coached on being late, your girlfriend calls to cancel dinner... Everyone has had a day like this before, but what people don't realize is we set the day to be like this.. YEa, I didn't ask to get my toe stubbed, but you allow it to put yourself in a bad mood.. and the attitude you have will always affect the way things happen. Same as your relationships, you now go into them worried, and assuming things will go wrong, you can't think this way, or it will always happen.. You must let go of what has happened and what you think could happen and just think about only positive things, think about what you really want and dwell on it instead of the possible bad things.. Watch "The Secret", I think it would help you if you gave it a shot.. It's a documentary. Good Luck


What Girls Said 9

  • Okay here's the thing. I'm gonna be honest with you. She's getting bored of you. You need to keep her attention. I doubt she's cheating on you...heres the things tht boys don't understand. STOP MAKING HER HAVE SEX WITH YOU...Seriously. If you do it tht much..Ull make her bored and she prob. wants time alone, because when ur with her..thats all you wanna do. So stop stressing bout whether she's cheating on you or not and be a good boyfriend to her.

    • I disagree with this tremendously. The above is much more likely. And plus - some women LOVE to have sex. I do. And I don't consider it "making" me have sex lol - it is ALWAYS my choice to do it or not... and if I love the man I'm with and we've been together long enough to start a sex life - then I don't hold out because I just don't feel like it. His sexual needs are just as important as my emotional needs - and "I" am the one he turns to, to satisfy it. I wouldn't want him to turn elsewhere lol

  • My close friend's boyfriend of multiple years has been confiding in me on the same lines. he knows she's doing nothing behind his back, but still has been struggling with paranoid/jealousy when ever she isn't present, and its been annoying her to no end.

    I don't have an answer for you, except that other people experience (and are going through) the same thing. In his case, it hasn't been a problem up until these last few months. if you haven't had a calm conversation with her about it, that should be the first thing. Two, if these is something out of your control (you know better, but can't get yourself out of it), seeking a professional opinion may help gather some techniques to get you through this.

  • It might just be what she says " she's just comfortable" I don't think she is cheating on you. Bes of luck!

  • There is nothing wrong with you. You are human and you have feelings, that's perfectly normal. However it is very important to understand that you're actions will and possibly are already driving her away. It is very normal for the relationship to become more comfortable and less exciting at this stage too. Nobody can say for sure if she is cheating on you or not but my instinct is that she is not. You both definately need to take some space though. You should not need to keep her like a prisoner in order to trust her and if you do then it is your problem that needs to be addressed. I would suggest seriously thinking about some counselling or a good soul searching holiday or something. Try taking a week break - if you're unable to take a holiday try to just not make any plans to see her, if you run into one another that's fine but don't go out of your way for that to happen don't text her don't call her etc. You can explain to her that you're relationship is very important to you and so you are going to refrain from contacting her for a little bit so you can sort out your own trust issues. Take all the spare time that finds you having distrustful thoughts to challenge those thoughts. When you start imagining her with someone else, tell yourself over and over (repitition being the key here) that you know she wouldn't cheat on you. Then redirect your attention to thinking up something nice that the two of you can do after the week is up - plan a romantic dinner or something. If you make it through the week you should find that you guys have missed each other so much that little spark has returned - that is something that will come and phonego regularly in a relationship and it's important to work at it when you do notice it lacking.

    As for sex, I can speak from experience when I tell you that complaining about the amount of sex you are or aren't having will only serve to get you less because then a woman feels like she's doing it because she has to and will no longer want to. Women can be very sexual creatures yes, but don't seem to need it like men do - or need to orgasm anyway. It is very normal for that side of things to drop off, instead of questioning her about it perhaps you could try to spice things up a bit yourself, make sure you know what is and isn't acceptable to her. Maybe ask her about things she's fantasised about and work from there. Re read what advice girl wrote a hundred times - this is some very good advice. Also regarding her texts etc - 1 you shouldn't be going through her phone and 2 her reason may be the truth. I know I personally regularly delete mine I have no problem with showing any of it to my partner if he wanted to see it I just hate having millions of messages on my phone.

    In summary the main of the problems you are having here are your own but don't beat yourself up over it. Work on it and be honest and upfront with your partner as she may very well be willing to stick around and help you through it. Good luck

  • Ok first you have to have a little more confidence because eventually she will notice your lack of trust and use that as a reason to break up with you. Second, you do know that the longer you're in a relationship it is normal for the frequency of sex to diminish right? If she has never given you a reason not to trust her, then you should probably still trust her. But try something: don't initiate sex. Let her come to you for it. See how long in between that she waits to come for it. Give her the chance to miss it and you. You know how they say you never miss something until it's gone... Just give her a little space to breathe and let her hair down. When she sees that you're doing your own thing maybe you will be able to trust her more because you'll see that she misses you and comes to you when she does.

  • If you know you can't trust her I odnt think you should be with her.. Find some one else who you can trusst.

  • well I have been in the same situation actually. and it was definitely not that I didn't like the guy anymore! I was just around him A LOT and maybe got a little tired of being around him. so I would hang with my friends and a lot of times he would get mad that I wasn't with him. I loved him but a lot of times girls just like to be not "hovered over and they like their space so they don't feel so surrounded by someone they work with and live near. I mean and her son, maybe she is a little worried about him. he might be having some problems in school or just something else. I wouldn't know I don't have kids. but maybe you should just take her to a nice dinner one night and tell her how your feeling. and I totally understand the trust issues. I myself have been cheated on a couple of times. but if she hasn't been giving you any reason not to trust her then she should be trusted until then.

    good luck to you!

  • You and I are "exactly" alike. I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend. I don't really have much of an answer, but hope you are at least comforted in knowing nothing is "wrong" with you. It's just what happens when people are screwed over so many times. I was cheated on or lied to in every relationship I've been in too. It's got me to the point of thinking every man is a liar and I worry about stupid sh*t all the time. Deep down in my heart, I know my man would not cheat... but I still worry? I don't know what to do about it. He is the same way - gets really p*ssed when I ask him stuff and tells me he would never make the decision for me to be with him if he was doing anything behind my back that he would know I'm not okay with. I feel like porn is just as bad as cheating for example - He said he's known that from the very beginning and if he wasn't ok with not looking at other women etc then he would have told me then and found someone that was fine with it. He says that I'm going to ruin the relationship if I don't stop worrying and distrusting him because he's not doing anything disrespectful when I'm around or when I'm not around. I don't know if you are spiritual at all... but one thing I find that helps is to pray. You might try getting the book "Battlefield of the Mind" that teaches you how to control your thinking and learn why you have those thoughts. It's really helping me, and my boyfriend says I am slowly getting better - and that he really hopes he can hang in there for as long as it takes. The book is Christian based - but I honestly believe even if you're not religious at all, it has a lot of helpful tips in it. Hope this helps.


What Guys Said 7

  • She's going to put her son first; that;s the main reason she doesn't cater to you as much or stay in contact. That's not going to change, so get used to it. She's probably way too busy and stressed out to cheat on you though!

  • My friend for one it's not fair to bring your trust issues into a relationship with someone that has never giving you reason to not trust her. That is a very toxic element. I totally understand having been the one that's been cheated on how hurt you get and how trust issues seem to fester. However, flowers don't grow in sh*t alone. You have to ease up on her and the trust thing. Honestly if you look I'm sure that you'd see that she's feeding off of your insecurities and trust issues which in turn make you distrust her more. See the cycle? I've been there. Not all women cheat and not all women are liars and sneaky. There are some wonderful women out there and they're loyal in relationships. It sounds like she's that type, otherwise she'd be packed and gone. Try romancing her a little and letting her know how important she is in your life (if she is, don't bullsh*t her) Don't smother her with your insecurities. It's been said that women cheat because they are not being satisfied and not having a feeling of being special. You, as her man, cover all of those things and you're good. I had to learn that just because I was with someone didn't mean that she was going to cheat on me. Do they...yeah they do and we do to...but we all don't. Let up on her and stop your damn obsessive thinking about it. You work and live in the same place. Everyone needs some time to themselves. Get to your local book store and find the book "After the Affair" it will help you see what this thinking is all about and help you move on and make a solid relationship with her. Good luck

    • When you said:There are some wonderful women out there and they're loyal in relationships. It sounds like she's that type, otherwise she'd be packed and gone..... it made me think about my issues. Are you saying that if a guy is not hiding anything he is likely to work through trust issues with me longer than a guy that actually IS hiding something? I have been screwed over in every past relationship - and having a hard time with this one because of it. I don't know how to trust anymore either :(

    • I understand your pain, but your trust issues are not her's to deal with or shouldn't be anyway. This unfortunately its up to you to do that. good luck bro

  • I don't want to make you more anxious but take it as just an opinion : "you might be suffering from OCD (Obsessive compulsive Disorder) particularly Relationship OCD"
    because whatever you written it says that you experienced two traumatic experiences when your EX cheated on you..

    And you know what... if it's OCD then don't worry coz it's just your obsessed thoughts (Which you strongly believe are true) and NO reality in it (apparently you have no reason/ evidence she is unfaithful.)... LOVE HER AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART... (I'm also suffering from R-OCD and i learned how to cope with it..)

  • Listen man you've just got to relax. Let the woman live. She's gonna do what she's gonna do regardless of how much you pester her about what she's doing. STOP bothering her in such a way that she catches on to the the fact you have the trust issue... or you will run her off. Let me say that again... you will run her off. She is a Mother and you aren't the only thing in her life. You need to be a little more independent and make sure that you aren't acting like a co-dependent headcase. Be strong and be confident... show her that you are confident in her (because you have no good reason not to be!) and she will respond positively. Continue to show her that you are skeptical of her character and she will respond negatively. An example of a negative response might be less sex by the way ;)

    This happens to lots of guys... the women drive us crazy with what ifs and jealousy. You gotta defeat that and get back to being the cool confident guy that your girl wants.

    • I know these things but can't seem to apply them for some reason. She already knows about my past and that I have trust issues. Most of the time, she seems very understanding of them and she actually likes it that I'm jealous sometimes because she knows I care about her. However, it kinda depends on how I say what I say, because sometimes she gets mad.

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    • I agree about maybe getting some temp anxiety meds to help, but seeing a shrink, no. There is no need to, You know the problem. And you know what you can do to fix it, Just stop making excuses and figure a way to overcome it all, if you don't you will probably lose her and if you care as much as you say you do for her, you can push yourself enough to get to where you want to be! It's like Henry ford said "Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right." Just keep at it!

    • And sorry if I sounded a little rude, not my intention, just stating the facts. Better to be straight up, You can't afford to waste time if you want to fix things before losing her.

  • simply because you have been cheated on in the past every girl answer will be she is not, that it is you, that is the basic psychology here, they have NO idea they only have that to go on, a good girlfriend will not let you feel the way you do, besides what anyone will tell you. what you feel is what you feel and is obvious between one another. you are not asking her these questions for no apparent reason she knows why you are asking and what you mean by them. don't waste your time wondering and worrying when a good girl comes you won't have to ask these questions. and I am an individual that doesn't mind my significant other doing whatever she wants, that doesn't bother me and that's the difference between me and you if you have to come on here and ask forget it, we don't get extra minutes to worry about other people.

  • You seem to be handling things well. I am not so sure I could manage my emotions and doubts so well.

  • What advicegirl is asking him to do is ignore his past mistakes (though they were not his). Perhaps he is emotionally or physically weak and women feel they can take advantage of him. What I'm saying is: Don't IGNORE your past relationships and their hurt, but take lessons from them. And examine yourself and see if there is anything wrong with you yourself that would cause relationships to turn out that way.