Is it weird my boyfriend has sleepovers at his bff which happens to be his ex gf?

[happygypsy]

My boyfriend was in a relationship with his ex girlfriend for 7 years. They left each other 10yrs ago and decided to stay friends. I've been with him 8m and noticed his weird behaviour. He speaks about her really often, has pics of her in his house and they even went on vacation together just before we met. Two years ago he asked her to get back together but then they decided not to.
He had a sleepover at her house and I got very upset. He was visiting the city for work where she lives and decided to stay at her place instead of driving home.
He did it a second time saying he didn't realise it makes me upset. He says it's normal and I'm the paranoid one bc they don't have an intimate relationship. He says she is now like a sister. He says society makes you think there is something bad about it.
He had at least 5 different options where to sleep that night: brother (5mins away), parents house (20mins away), my place (40mins away) hotel and to drive to his place (1 1/2hrs away).
He says I have to trust him and nothing intimate happens with her. They just like spending time together.
Am I wrong to think this is childish and wrong and disrespectful towards me?
Thanks

[Miyumi]

What is normal for you is different for everyone.
I had a classmate, she dated a guy and he would once in a while sleep over at a female friends house in the same room. She really trusted him. She was okay with it.

If you asked me.. I would think it's rather strange. First of sleeping at a female friends house... in the same room... just him and her... my radar's start going in overdrive.

So it depends if it's weird or not. The problem here is: he had other options. And he knows now it upsets you. If he had respect for your feelings he'd have slept at his brother's. If he want's to spend time with her, then he can do that in the day time as well.

I'm not trying to make you even more paranoid than you already are... but I would feel terrible about it. Of course some people will say: man up, trust him... but reading it makes me feel weird.

[happygypsy]

Thanks Miyumi! He says he sleeps on the couch and even called me from her place that evening. That's how I found out.
He says society makes you think it's bad and wrong and that literally they just have dinner chat, go to sleep wake up and to work. Nothing intimate... :(
When I confronted him he made me think I'm crazy. He said I'm limiting his freedom. He said though he will not do it again... but I can't seem to trust him...

[Miyumi]

@happygypsy Yes I thought of that as well. He of course feels limited...
Best thing to do is just wait and see if he does as he says. He said not to do it again... so try to trust on it. If he really cares about your feelings he will keep his word.

[happygypsy]

Thank you @Miyumi 🙏🏼
I'll wait and see what happens in the future although all this situation made me think...
After our discussion he removed all her pictures from his house... so seems he is trying to make an effort.

[truthbeknown]

Limited? This is just one person you forbid him to sleep over alone with, that's it! That is not taking away someone's freedom, FFS! If his life revolves around her so much that he now feels caged or locked up because he can't see her, that is another major red flag itself! Look, all you need to do is forbid him from being with her one on one! He can still see her, you just have to be there too! If he has a problem with that, now you know he is hiding something!

[happygypsy]

@truthbeknown you are right. I never forbid him to see her or have dinner with her. I told him I'm not forbidding him in any other way...
I will see in the next weeks what goes on. I think she is no saint either. Why invite him if she knows I'm his new gf?

[truthbeknown]

Oh god, what a mess! I wish you the best of luck, LOL!

[happygypsy]

Thank you! I feel like letting go...
it's strange but this is really the only thing we disagree on...
funny how stupid egoistic shit like this can ruin a relationship

[Justacatlady]

This would upset me. I don't care that you don't have an intimate relationship now, you did and the risk of those feelings coming back are to great. Plus why would you need to sleep at her house when you have other options that are just as convenient. Seems fishy

[Cmasterson]

YES THIS IS WEIRD. and inappropriate considering he has a girlfriend. I don't give a rats ass if they no longer has an intimate relationship he has to see it from your perspective. And then what adds even more stupidity is that he has other options.

[happygypsy]

Yes exactly! I asked him why he didn't choose one of the other options and he said he had already parked his car and it was late and didn't want to drive. I think however he had planned it already. He called me from her place as to show off that nothing fishy was going on... and show how honest he is with me. He said he could have hidden it instead told me the truth.
When I asked him what if she told him he wouldn't be able to sleepover anymore bc she has a new boyfriend that doesn't like it, would he insist or stop? And he said he'd accept her will... so I made him think and that's where he turned stupid bc I said you accept her request but not mine? He had no answer to my question...

[Cmasterson]

It really is sooo rude of him. You should come first, I mean if it was someone else then you may be hesitant and especially if you haven't met them but it really isn't hard to drive 4 mins to go sleep somewhere else, imagine if next time you told him that you'd sleep there too with him- he'd probably not want to.

[happygypsy]

Yes probably. I told him if I did the same with my ex and he said he isn't jealous...
I think the girl is fishy too as she knows he has a new girlfriend... why invite him and let him sleep there? Right?

[Cmasterson]

You're right, listen to your gut.

[happygypsy]

Thanks @Cmasterson
Gut is always right!

[truthbeknown]

No fucking way would I allow that! Total conflict of interest. The sister thing is a total lie! He is feeding you a line of bullshit so you'll allow it and stay off his back. Don't fall for it. Why? Because only 2 years ago he had feelings for her again! They will always have that sexual past connection and therefore it is too easy to reconnect again on that level. Forbid him and tell him that's the rules. If he doesn't like, you are dumping him and he can have fun fucking his "sister"!!!

[happygypsy]

I told him it's absolutely not ok for me. At first he was defending his position trying to make me seem the crazy one who doesn't accept his views. He said I'm limiting his freedom. He then realised I'm about to let go and he said he won't do it again if it bothers me but he still believes it's an ok thing to do in general. After this discussion he removed all her pictures from his house (which I have been insisting on removing since months).

[Insidious]

If the roles were reversed or I was you. That is an absolute no.

In fact unless he has kids with her... if he continued to be friends with her I would dumb him.

I do not know him but I would bet 95% of guys if not more would place money on a bet saying he cheated on you.

Either way. That is absolutely unacceptable

[Radicalash]

I would not be ok if my girlfriend was doing this. They can be friends but sleep overs is way too far

[happygypsy]

Yes that's what I told him! You can have a great time at dinner but then everyone home to their own place. He made a huge deal about it saying I'm limiting his freedom... And how I'm setting up rules now and will set more rules in the future... which is pure imagination...

[Radicalash]

Tell him it's unacceptable because she is he's ex. Most people wouldn't even be friends with their ex. He needs to accept it and stop staying over. If not, you need to leave him. It isn't worth getting hurt for this guy

[JoyGirl]

A 7 year relationship with her? That is a long time, so there is a lot of history. If you date someone that has dated another person before you, and their relationship lasted more than 3 years, then yeah, there is a lot of history.
Yeah, that is not a good idea to let him sleepover at her place. Before you know it, he will fall for her, again.

I am so glad to be single.

[JustinTheGreat]

Yes it's very weird.
When someone is that close to their ex, 90% of the time they're going to end up getting feelings for each other again and things will happen between them.

[Vanjasper]

It's not normal behaviour by a boyfriend. Not normal to expect his girlfriend to accept his behaviour without question.
It sounds like they may have broken their relationship, but have a fuckbuddy relationship now.
He's taking you for a fool.

[ragequeen]

Ugh he sounds like a jerk. This is not okay. Freaking sleepovers? Wtf. Leave him.

[Nephilim000]

i think you're right. if he's your boyfriend he shouls be wanting to spend time with you

[ravedave]

Yeah that's a HUGE red flag. I'd leave the dude ASAP.

[Regular1]

No doubt that he's boning her during those sleepovers.

[GD360]

There ganna have sex if you don't accompany them. Even if they don't why give an opportunity. Can you embrace fire without being burned.

[elegatoVI]

Fuck that you best believe they're doing sexual things

[PrincessBubble]

I think he's still in love with her. & I do think you're going to get hurt. If you're unhappy please leave now x

[itiskissie]

Lies lies lies. They are obviously more than friend. I am just saying. Talk to him, cause no it isn't normal.

[itiskissie]

When me and my ex boyfriend was "friends" we were still having sex with each other. It is pretty obvious that they are also having that.. so please stop it

[datgirl]

Even if they don't have feelings for each other anymore it's just not appropriate and you should not stand for it. Talk to him about it, if he still doesn't get it then jist break up with him. Dont waste another second.

[CurtisCarlson]

Funny as women age, they become the desperate ones. Why I say this? Well, because you chose a complete douchebag as your boyfriend... 😂

[cinnaminion]

it's pretty weird for adults to be having 'sleep overs' regardless but yeah if my girlfriend was doing that I wouldn't stand for it

[Justinaveragedude]

I think he is hitting it. He says nothing intimate and she is like his sister, they just like doing stuff together. To me it sounds suspect.

[Alf4liverpool]

You should sit down and tell him it bothers you and you should admit yur jealous be honest

[Anonymous]

She's his bestie, nothing wrong or weird with that.

[ShaeNielson]

Yes, that's weird.

[Intraluminal]

Yes. It IS weird.