How do I convince her that she's not fat? Serious help needed here.

I'm madly in love with this girl, she knows it too but we're not official yet.

She keeps saying she's fat when she's quite the opposite, she's litterally borderline anorexic. I could pick her up with one hand and throw her across the room she's so lightweight.

But she still insists that she's fat and wants to loose more weight. I'm worried that if she keeps it up she's simply going to wither away, possibly die.

What can I do? I don't think I could live with myself if something happened to her, HELP!

A few of you are telling me to ignore it, she's killing herself with what she's doing and I'm supposed to just sit by and watch? Those of you saying there isn't anything that can be done, there is always something that can be done, I just don't know what!
She has a couple brothers and a sister who've done everything they can from their positions in her life, I think I may be the only one who is in a position to do anything to get her healthy again. She hates doctors and doesn't trust many people.
To those who gave me practical information, I want to inform you that the girl I speak of in this question has passed away from her illness. It happened in the early morning hours of January 25th, 2009, she died in her sleep. She was only 19 years old.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Mm. I wouldn't ignore it.

    I have had an eating disorder for about 5 years now (though I'm SO much better!). When I used to comment on my own weight (or lack thereof, lol), I didn't want people to ignore it. When they did, I felt like they were agreeing with me. I would make those comments to try and gauge how I looked or seemed to other people. We can't see ourselves properly and we know it (though we will deny it and insist that it's everyone ELSE that has the distorted perception). There is always a part of us that is searching for some grounding- we need to know that other people don't see us as we see ourselves.

    She knows you love her- that is the most important thing! There is a time when we begin to realize that our actions are no longer just hurting ourselves but hurting those we love. That when change (recovery) becomes possible for us.

    When she makes those comments... It's tricky even for me to tell you what to do or how to respond. Because if you ignore it, she will think you are agreeing with her. But if you tell her she is beautiful, she will think that means you want her to stay thin (and possibly thinner). If you tell her she needs to gain weight, she will rebel and possibly get angry.

    You can't win in an argument against the ego of someone with an eating disorder. Because a large part of the disorder is constantly sabotaging ourselves and twisting anything anyone says into some sort of fuel to validate our need to loose more weight. Try to avoid commenting on her weight all together, unless she brings it up and you need to reassure her how insanely tiny she is. Or something. Just try not let her dwell on the subject. But don't ignore it.

    Always remember that the eating disorder is a SYMPTOM of a sickness, not the sickness itself. There is something more going on with her than weight. There always is- often a culmination of many things. It is a mental and emotional sickness that manifests itself physically.

    You may try speaking to her sincerely- tell her you are truly worried about her, that you love her, that you want to see her happy. Gently try to see if you can help her get to the root of what is causing her behavior. That she is beautiful no matter what- and the most important thing to you is to see her healthy. Don't push her to gain weight! Meet her where she's at. She wants to feel supported- not like you're trying to fix her.

    As a head's up, don't expect anything to happen fast. Recovery takes a long time. And most people aren't patient enough (or strong enough) to keep with us through the process. My own mother nearly gave up on me after a while- I wore her out. :-\ But it's totally possible! And even probable, especially considering that she has someone to love her as much as you. ^_^

    • She's five foot four, 105, and wants to loose another 10 she says.

      I'm trying to convince her that's she's perfect, even though she really isn't. I'm not going to tell her she needs to gain weight because I know that will only waste all my effort thus far. She's not much for people so bringing her to someone isn't going to help.

      All I can think of is to keep telling her that she's beautiful, and I'm not lying to her when I say that. I'm too persistant to give up on her, I care too much.

    • That's all you need to do. I am so sorry you both have to go through this. I am 5'8 and at my lowest I was 98 lbs. If I can get better, so can she! That you believe in her and won't give up on her assures success. Even if her mindset persists for a while, your attentions are not lost on her- believe me. Even when I seemed to ignore everyone around me, I treasured every kind word, every attempt at support. She's very lucky to have you by her side!

What Girls Said 11

  • that's anorexia. she needs help.

  • Sorry, you can't do anything. She probably needs professional help if she doesn't eat right. We can look in the mirror and see something totally different than what is there.

    It's not anorexia unless she is actually doing something in order to lose weight, like not eating.

  • aw :/ I am sorry.. I hope you are doing ok. Its so sad someone so young dies over this issue.

  • ok I wouldn't leave her because of it, low self esteem doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be loved, you can't just give up on someone because they have an issue. You should have a talk with her, and tell her she is not fat and there is no way she needs to lose weight. The best thing would be for you to talk her in to seeing a professional. Its hard, but I don't think she will ever stop it on her own, she will just keep trying to lose weight, she has a distorted body image of herself, as much as you say how thin she is she won't get better. Anorexics always are told that they are so skinny not fat, but they don't believe it and can't see it :/

  • im so sorry. :( I will pray for you and her family. losing someone is hard, and if you need to talk to someone feel free to message. I'm always willing to talk.

  • anorexia is mostly a disease of the mind, and only she can help her self, if she isn't motivated to change, nothing will happen. people with eating disorders look in the mirror and they may be stick skinny, but all they see if fat. for so long they have just been telling their minds "I AM FAT" and so now their mind believes them, and everything about them is screaming I am fat, and really there isn't anything you can do except get her to talk about it prefessionally. she needs to look deep inside her and figure out who she really is, and the only way that can happen is if she can really open up with someone, and that probably means she needs someone who is skilled with getting people to open up. but no matter what, do NOT force her to do anything, that only makes them mad and rebel.

  • I think she needs professional help, as well as your encouragement, to get through this. Telling her that she's perfect the way she is will probably help. However, if she's 5'4" and wants to be 95 lbs, then that's incredibly unhealthy and potentially dangerous. You need to stage some kind of intervention, or at least find someone, like a psychologist, that can help.

  • you really can't convince a girl when it comes to her weight she's always gonna feel the same about it no matter what you say or think really.

  • im so sorry. and I knowhow you are feeling my sis is so anorexic she may not be around much longer. message me id love to talk to u. thanx

  • You can't convience her she's not fat she has to figure that out by herself. What you need to tell her how you feel and make sure she gets help from a professional.


What Guys Said 9

  • This is more than borderline...she's anorectic, period. She needs help. See if you can get her to go to a psychologist or qualified counselor. If she won't do that, get her to talk to a family member that seems sane, who will give her that same advice but might be in a position to get her to actually do it..! But whatever you do, don't ignore this. It will almost certainly get worse...

  • When she makes a comment about herself being fat...just ignore usually helps and eventually she should catch on that its annoying you and not true.

    But your also saying she's losing weight because of this? Well, I'm not an expert on that field but one thing that might help is reasuring her that she is beautiful. Always compliment her and make her feel better about how she looks, but don't bring up weight or size or anything (see above).

    I suppose that's all I got for now, good luck!

  • she just wants attention

  • I'm really really sorry to hear that :( My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family. I just read about an anorexic girl passing away in her sleep. It's really sad more help can't be given.

    If you need someone to talk to please feel free to message me.

  • I admire you for wanting to help her so much. But she does need professional help. You said she doesn't like doctors so find a way around that.. try a female nutritionist or a medical herbalist or someone other than a doctor who is attentive and caring. She needs to trust whoever is trying to help her. She trusts you obviously, now she needs to trust someone else who is better prepared to help her.

    I actually used to suffer from the opposite of anorexia, I got addicted to the gym and gaining size and strength and became seriously ill. I'm much better now so it can be sorted but she does need a professionals help. Best of luck!

  • Shower her in little things but drop hints that your finding her to be too skinny. Use other people for instance. She is trying to be skinnier for you. So you need to make her feel like you want her bigger. Not for her health, but because it'll turn you on more. Until that kicks in, just buy her sexy outfits. Remind her that she's sexy. A girl needs that from time to time man. It'll work out. Let me know if you try'd those already and they didn't work or if you need more advice.

  • Show her that she is thinner than you.

  • I feel for anyone in this situation I hate to say it but you need to tell her that she's scaring you with this no eating deal and that malnourishment is ugly

  • Either find someone to help her, as it sounds like she has an eating disorder.

    Or leave her. Low self esteem will only lead to a horrible outcome. Trust me.

    I expect to be downrated for this answer, but those are your only two options as I see it.

    • It's not always low self esteem. A lot of times it is a control issue. Or something to fix, to work on. When we find imperfections about ourselves it gives us a task- a distraction from whatever is really bothering us.