What if he's afraid of emotional intimacy?

[Sassafras]

So there's this guy I recently started dating and he's introverted and shy. He doesn't open up easily and doesn't have much experience with women, but he's such a great person and we really clicked, especially since I'm more extroverted and have been able to bring him out of his shell some.

However...just as we started to get closer, he pulled away. He pretty much avoided me for a week and didn't give any indication of why. When I confronted him about it, it sounds like he's actually afraid because he does like me a lot and the first time we went out he wasn't necessarily expecting that much of a connection, so he almost took a step back due to fears of emotional intimacy.

Also, his small group of single buddies in their late 20s, the only ones still without relationships or marriages, have been saying crap to him about women that has him all antsy and worried. I expect this is due to their own fears and insecurities about 'losing' another one because they stick together closely. They've never met me, so it's more generalized things that they've said, but it's been enough to spook him and he won't elaborate on what they've discussed with him.

So just as we start to get close...he has a total freak out, and now says he needs a few days to "think things over and get more advice from his friends" to make sure he's making the right decision about getting involved with me.

What gives? What am I supposed to do in this situation? I can't compete with his friends at this stage since we don't know each other THAT well so he'll trust them over me. And I don't want to push or force anything and chase him off more. It feels like I'm helpless to do anything.

[Atomizer]

What you're describing is normal for shy people. we're different.

shy people are usually introverts, and introverts have different brains from extroverts. we process information and experiences differently. afraid of emotional intimacy is part of it, but it's also an oversimplification. it's also like the difference between right and left-handed: there are important differences at a neurological level.

first, you _must_ be patient with him. it's essential. this relationship will move differently than others you've had. if you can't slow down and allow him to help set the pace, this relationship won't work. period. if he feels pressured, he _will_ withdraw.

second, be persistent but _very, very gentle_. introverts try something new, then retreat to think about it, so we can seem to run hot-and-cold. this guy will need a lot of time to process his thoughts and emotions. so when it seems like he's pulling away, it's not necessarily a problem. we can _think_ it's a problem, because people beat into our heads that we need to stop being hesitant. but it's not a problem in and of itself, and brain scans confirm a difference in processing emotions at the neurological level. so be persistent, reassure him, remind him that you like him and want to date him and can slow down to his pace. but be gentle.

third, don't think of your goal as bringing him out of his shell. think of your goal as creating a comfortable environment and relationship where he'll be ready to come out of his shell on his own. it's a subtle but important distinction.

fourth, according to dr. marti laney, shy people/introverts tend to make closer emotional bonds than extroverts make. introverts _feel_ deeper emotions than extroverts. our limbic systems (which process emotions) are far more active, and far more interconnected with the rest of our brains. and if he's never dated a lot, those emotions can be literally overwhelming. again, he'll need more time than you're accustomed to, to work through things and get comfortable. also, if he's been close friends with these guys for a decade or more, you probably literally can't comprehend the depth of connection these quiet guys have. doesn't excuse their bad-mouthing, but appreciate their differences and their value to him.

fifth, read this article on the five things extroverts should know about introverts:

link

read johnathan rausch's "caring for your introvert"

link

Then read a copy of Laney's "The Introvert & Extrovert in Love: Making It Work When Opposites Attract"

Hope this helps!

P.S. Avoid confronting people about anything. It's an unneccessarily combative word. Simply talk about things instead.

[Chunk-Stonechest]

Unless you have an active case of leprosy I can't understand why your guy would depend on his male peers for relationship advice. Naturally they are going to kid and say things that would make your mother gasp with indignation. Such evil commentary is an integral part of "guy vernacular." In this case such derisive statements translate as hearty words of encouragement.

I've seen this before with young guys who've lived a bit of a sheltered life. They find themselves in a group situation showered by insults, predictions of failure, lewd remarks, yet have no idea that this is how men communicate because we're such sissies when it comes to offering open affection without alcohol, to say nothing of more vulnerable topics.

Your guy may not have much relationship experience to inform his choices. This would only serve to compound his fear of intimacy because he can't see what he's missing. Your technical, thoughtful writing style betray your intellect, compassion, and genuine commitment for this man. Your diligence may save the day yet, but be careful what you wish for. Your man is already looking like a chore long before you've had a shot at the romance, or the practical issues common to any working relationship.

[Angie-0905]

I was in a very similar situation AND his friends loved me. They even told him what an idiot he was. So unfortunately, not even having his friends on your side is a guarantee. He is dealing wtih internal issues. He is probably scared to get into an emotional relationship because he has never been in one. He is afraid he will say and do all the wrong things. And the fact that his friends keep feeding him girlfriend horror stories definitely does not help.

The ball is in his court. I would tell him you like him, but you can't keep waiting around hoping he will figure stuff out. It isn't fair to you or him. Tell him if he keeps running away from his feelings then he will never have a successful relationship and quite possibly end up alone. But that really is the truth. His friends will eventually grow up and settle down. Does he really want to spend his life as a bachelor?

If he does't respond to this then cut ties. Don't keep letting him back in to be fickle. You don't deserve the roller coaster ride. If it's meant to be he'll come around and it not I'm sure you will find someone new who knows he wants you. That is what happened with me.

Good luck!

[Atomizer]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: "meant to be" thinking is a cop-out.