I don't like my boyfriend seeing naked girls, period :(

[Anonymous]

I know, this is something I MUST get over..And, I have tried several times..With all my boyfriends. :( I guess I am insecure..I work out though..and I know, I am attractive. But, every time we see a movie..and a naked girl pops up..it bothers me..It makes me feel like she is so perfect, and maybe my boyfriend is thinking the same thing..and would rather me look like her. :-( Usually, when I am not so emotional, I can hold it in..and soon it will pass..But, when I am in particular, PMS'n, it cannot be held in..and usually I try to talk to him about it and how it bothers me..He just yells at me and tells me not to talk to him about this 'nonsense'..I know it is nonsense. :-( I am trying to get someone to help me change or give me advice on it :-( The only thing he says to me is that 'it is not real' and I asked him if he would look in real life..and he got mad and said 'Yes, I would stare!' out of frustration with me. :-( I don't like myself right now. And, if anyone can say anything to help me..please do. I know, I must change. Also, can you answer the poll? If you or someone you know has been like me?

[MrOracle]

The problem is that you are threatened by this; you compare yourself to these other girls and worry that he'll pick them over you or something. But that's because you completely have the wrong idea of how guys work.

Do you understand that evolution/natural selection has caused men to have desires for multiple, different women, and how they have developed the ability to be visually stimulated, because those things are best to ensure continuation of the species? Those traits are genetically imprinted in every guy. We look, and we want to see multiple women. And some part of us wants to sleep with multiple women, yes.

BUT... most of us are also developed and mature enough that we don't act on those impulses (to sleep with other women). We don't want to hurt our partner, and a different part of us prefers to have sex only with the partner we love, rather than with just random girls.

That doesn't stop our base impulse to LOOK, though. But looking at other girls, and "fantasizing" about other girls, satisfies those impulses and uses up that energy that, if it built up too far, might lead us to cheat in real life.

Women do this too, except they do it with emotions, instead of sex. It's why romance novels and chick flicks and Lifetime exist - to spend the excess EMOTIONAL energy that women have, that, if allowed to build up, might lead HER to cheat.

The most important thing you need to understand, though, is that guys not only KNOW that there is a big difference between fantasy and real life, they PREFER that seperation. Guys aren't trying to make their real lives like their fantasies, and often enjoy fantasizing about things that they have NO DESIRE FOR in real life. This is the hard thing for women to understand and believe. Maybe he looks at tall blond Barbies in p*rn. That doesn't mean he wants to date one. Or maybe he only looks at petite brunettes with short hair. That doesn't mean he wants you to cut your long hair off. He is just satisfying his need for variation.

Ever heard the phrase "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you come home to eat?" Guys all understand this, and girls should too. If you are cool about your guy looking at other girls, he'll just end up taking any "energy" from that arousal and using that energy to take care of YOU. By making him suppress these instincts, you're actually making it MORE likely that he'll get pent up, frustrated, and eventually cheat on you in real life.

Right now, you're only going to end up making him hide things from you, and that will poison your relationship for sure. Hopfully now you understand what this really is, and can be okay with it, knowing that by being okay with it, you are actually improving your relationship and your bond with him.

[MrOracle]

2nd update: as a man, I enjoy looking at naked women's bodies. But they are just images to me, even if they are real live girls naked in front of me. It's not at all the same as a real woman who I have an emotional relationship with, and who has feelings and desires for me as well. That's a completely different level. It's kind of like comparing a black & white picture to high-def 3D with surround sound; the experience isn't even comparable.

[Asker]

okay, thank you

[justahuman]

With my Masters in Psychology, I have to disagree. The age old patriarchy is speaking -- men mansplaining and women accepting things that hurt them because "men will be men." Wrong. Men are not more visual than women. We're not creatures driven by instinct. We're analytical, thoughtful creatures, and if your woman doesn't feel comfortable with you looking at other naked women, respect her. Accept it. You don't need variety to not cheat. You just need to "man up" and be responsible for yourself. To the guy who mentioned Magic Mike: If she is not comfortable with you watching the equivalent, she shouldn't be a hypocrite, i. e. double standards. My boyfriend & I have been together for nearly 4 years and we have great sex. I love his body and yes, there's temptation to look at other naked bodies, but we both actively fight the temptation. It makes us more confident in our relationship and desire each other more. Much of my studies have been on the effects of porn. Guess what? Porn is bad.

[justahuman]

Believing a naked body on tv is "not real" is a great example of objectification. That woman on tv IS real and her body IS real. She's not a robot or a fantasy. She's real, and if you'd look at 1,000 naked women on the internet and think it's fine, but gasp at the idea of looking at those same naked bodies in real life (looking, not touching, mind you), you have a very bizarre perception of reality. I hate to generalize, but when will men learn how bizarre and damaging this perspective is?

[justahuman]

You're hurting women. Even if she says she's cool with it or she'd rather not know, trust me, she'd prefer you didn't... it's just a part of our culture that women believe they have to accept certain things that hurt them because "men will be men." That rhetoric needs to end. No more excuses.

[MrOracle]

@justahuman Of course it's an IMAGE of a real person, but a TV image is not a real, living, breathing physical person in your living room. It might have been a real woman who stood in front of a camera months or years before, but by the time you are watching it, she's long moved in to something else. And you aren't interacting with her - she's not even aware of your specific existence. Hell, she might be retired before you view her video. That's the point I was making. I can watch Top Gun without having to be in the Navy or go to flight school. I can watch a mystery without having to join the police force and become a detective. I can watch a car chase where cars crash and bullets fly without being in any physical danger. And I can watch porn without believing that the girl on the screen wants to have sex with ME, or that I have some kind of relationship with her. Those are ALL examples of media-based FANTASIES - yet some forget that when it's porn and not SciFi...

[Kleelav]

So then you agree it's ok for a women to seek emotional support from other men as to get rid of the 'pent' up emotional energy?

[MrOracle]

It's okay for women to use images or stories (romance novels, chick flicks) and other media, even though they contain pictures and descriptions of other men, sure. In neither case am I saying that it is okay to engage other people directly. Don't put words in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so insecure?

Do you have a problem accepting that you're not perfect or God's gift to men? Is it toxic to your self-esteem to accept that you fall within a bell curve? Some people are smarter than you. Some people have more money than you. Some people just look better than you. Get over it. That's life.

What you offer to your boyfriend is a unique combination of all your qualities. Sure, maybe the girl you see on TV looks better than you. Let's just pretend that's true. Does that mean she genuinely enjoys sex more than you? Does that mean she's sluttier than you? Does that mean she's more sexually open and liberal than you? Does that mean she has better fake moaning sounds and faces than you? Does that mean she gives better head than you? You see where I'm getting at?

That's just ONE out of the many different aspects of a person you're focusing on. More importantly, it's not nearly as important for men. For as long as you're not ugly, the real question is how slutty you then are. For all you know, that girl might think she's God's gift to men, which is a turn-off to men. Sorry, lack of insecurity is attractive on a woman. Unrealistic, self-centered, egotistical senses of confidence are a turn-off. Megan Fox acting like the sh*t = turn-off. Megan Fox acting insecure = annoying. Megan Fox just being comfortable, cool, funny, and wanting to get f***ed = hot.

So, that's why he's reacting that way with you.

[Ashley8282]

Meowwwwwwwwww

[Anonymous]

Hey girl. I feel completely the same. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 5 and a half years and I still feel the same. I know there is something wrong with me. Lack of confidence, obsession, jealousy, etc. and I know its not healthy to be this way. But I have been trying so hard to change. In the beginning I asked him ti stop watching p*rn. I asked him to look away when a naked girl was on a movie or programme. I would spy on him, check his emails, check his browsing history, watch his reaction to any hot girl on tv, at the beach, shopping mall. I know I'm not bad looking, and I have a very nice body (so I'm told by everyone I know) but still I'm insecure. I have even tried watching p*rn with him and also alone. Still nothing. I have spoken to a therapist about this. To my dad. My mom. To my boyfriend. I have gone on so many sites to try to get help. As I read what other people say it makes so much sense and I start feeling that I might just change, but when the nudity appears, everything is gone and I feel the same all over again. I don't want to be like this. I want a normal, happy life. I want to feel confident in myself, in him and our relationship but its so difficult. I'm scared of pushing him away with my nonsense and eventually loosing him. Don't know if you managed to get over your issues. Just wanted to let you know that there are other girls who feel the same. I

[Asker]

Hi :) I would say, if he loves you, he will stop watching them for you.

[Asker]

I had to pretty much explain to him how women are sexualized and it is different between the men and the women. I had to show him how I felt. I am christian and I have morals. I have come a long way since this question!! Forgot I even posted it lol There are a LOT of people like us! Do NOT feel like your aren't normal. Because you are! It is the other people that find it weird that we respect ourselves enough to want our man to show it as well. My husband and I, yes my husband :) are doing great. He was never really in love with me until he started looking away at girls. I actually gave up on even caring, but then one day he just started doing it on his own. The key is, you ask him--does he want to see those girls nude? He has you, why should he want to see them? If you truly complete him, he will stop.

[Asker]

I was watching t. v with my husband the other day and we started laughing at how stupid the hardees commerical is with a slutty dressed woman trying to sell a hamburger! I then said how ridiculous that it has gotten with women being sexualized. You will never see a man on t. v in a tight thong showing his ---- off to sell a hamburger? lol Anyway, my point is, sex and food don't mix. This world is out of control and you just need to put your foot down and not allow it to corrupt your mind. So many people accept it because either a) they grew up with it b) its the social norm OR c) they are sick of fighting it. anyway, check this out: en.wikipedia.org/.../Mary_Whitehouse
and, my husband and I recently purchased one of these--> try.clearplay.com/
so we don't have to completely be polluted from this world :)

[justahuman]

I am happy for you and your husband. It sounds like you've grabbed hold of a very important piece of information: Just because everyone else accepts something doesn't mean you have to, especially if it makes you unhappy. Our culture is saturated in sex and it's hard to come to grips with. I completely agree with your perspective here although I'm not religious, I am a moralist and object to objectification of women.

[justahuman]

That response is for the Asker, sorry.

[Anonymous]

I think you are taking it way too serious.There is nothing real in movies tho.You know that but still you keep comparing yourself with those celebs and models(which mostly fake).They look nothing similar in real,trust me.That's what we call entertainment.

Get over it.You need to learn how to love yourself and your body as well.Your guy told you that didn't bother him at all so why would you still feel insecure.I think its not about not liking him too see them but its more about your self esteem.

You need to build it before it getting worst.How can you expect people to like you when you don't like yourself? Everyone need to love themselves before loving others.That's the most important thing.Stop 'eating' the media poison and pay attention to something real.

"Yes, I would stare!' out of frustration with me. :-( "

Staring at those girls doesn't mean he thinks they are way better than you.Its normal for us to stare at people who are looking good in the public.That doesn't mean we want them.

[justahuman]

Since when are bodies on television not real? Does that mean you can get naked on television and your man won't care? Screens transform bodies into something fake, so it doesn't matter, right?

[Anonymous]

That sounds like me and my boyfriend. Did you manage to get it over it? Because it's bin a year and I still haven't. I am really against movies with naked scenes. There's always a lot of naked chicks but with naked dudes pretty much never

[Asker]

I have never gotten over it, actually. He has learned that it is just me...who I am. And, he has learned to love me for it. We try to stay away from those movies and if something comes up, he looks away :-) talk to your boyfriend about it...explain to him that sex should be between just the two of you and he should only see your beautiful naked body. no one else. and he shouldn't want to see anyone elses. good luck and I wish I knew who you were ha ha I would add you!

[KidInk4]

But would you go see Magic Mike? I bet you would

[honeydoll]

Yes that's sound like me I hate when there is a naked or top less girls in the movies or tv shows that has that nasty scenes in it and I asked my boyfriend why you like that he said to me that he it's not the girls being naked or top less its a movie or a tv show that he likes but it seems that I ain't beautiful or attractive to him anymore

[gonyr]

he's with you, period. its not like he plans out that a movie has a naked girl in it so why would you blame him?

even if he watches p*rn occasionally, its really not a big deal. he's with you for a reason. it doesn't mean anything against you.

[gonyr]

for the update. you don't need to work out or do anything. its in a movie, or on a computer or whatever. its all exaggerated anyway. he wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you to be be attractive

[Asker]

okay. thank you... =/ do you ever compare these naked girls to your girlfriend? If you love her and etc..?

[gonyr]

no. They are just naked girls on camera. they aren't better than my girlfriend who I get to see naked in person, and I get to touch, and actually do stuff with. nothing compares to that.

[Asker]

Okay. thank you. I guess, I can believe him then..lol. We have just been through hell at the beginning..so I am a little insecure...It is on his part to say at the least. Thank you though.

[AlexCab]

On my case, it's just a movie, I never compare. It's different things you know :)

[Asker]

thank you that helps a lot.

[AlexCab]

Good luck, I hope all goes well :)

[AlexCab]

Honestly, you need to get over your insecurities. Questions for you: what if the girl that appears naked on screen is not what you would consider nice? I mean, you said you usually think they are perfect. Ok, what happens if the girl that appears in the nude is not one of those. Do you get the same feelings?

If you don't, then what's happening is that you're seeing them as some sort of competition when they are actually not, unless your boyfriend is super hot and has the best connections in town. i.e.: do you think that, even if the opportunity would present itself and Megan Fox appeared in front of him, she would actually try to get him? Of course he'll stare, we all do when there's a hot nice lady around, SPECIALLY if she's naked but that doesn't mean she's competition.

[Asker]

It would still bother me a little..even if the woman was obese. And, honestly, I think he is the most attractive on Earth. But, that could be me being in love..I do not know..I am not sure how to get voer this. :-( I work my ass off to look good...But, it still doesn't help when I see these 'ideal' bodies

[AlexCab]

But you see the contradiction? you keep talking about "ideal bodies", which would be different than the obese one case. I don't think it would be the same...but then again, if it does bother you even when it's a woman you don't find attractive, then your insecurity might be about him leaving you?

[Asker]

I am not sure. I think, he also lacks affection..he is always telling me I am beautiful and sexy..and the best to him..but, he never really acts on it..? We have had a rough relationship on his part..To say at the very least..so, you could be right..maybe I am afraid he will leave me for another girl..or cheat on me..

[AlexCab]

Those fears are normal sometimes, specially if you're going through a rouch patch, or if there's something lacking. This could be a case...I say you talk to him if you feel insecure. Maybe you can just explain to him that you need him to show more his affection sometimes.

[Asker]

I wrote him a letter this morning tell him that. I hope it doesn't push him away :-( He gets pushes away easily. Also, this is the 2nd time I have ever mentioned my insecurities about these women..

[AlexCab]

Well, if he doesn't understand that you need some extra affection every now and then and some comforting (everyone does, men, women, all of us) from time to time, you know, just to reassure he only wants you then he's kind of a prick :p

[Asker]

lol...He is more so, afraid =/ He is one of those 'ones' who is deeply in fear of being in love..because he is considered 'weak' and 'vulnerable'..anyway, yeah I hope this letter does some good. If it does, it will help me out, a lot. Honestly, if I knew my man was only into me and loved me and my body, I wouldn't be having these issues I don't think. Thank you for your help, really.

[AlexCab]

Well, good luck there, just don't be afraid of the result: you need to tell him how you feel!

[Asker]

I know. =) thanks.

[Khansa]

Western culture is so strange to me in this regard. As someone who grew up in a country in South Asia, women aren't told they're insecure if they feel uncomfortable by their significant other looking at or fantasizing having sex with other naked women in pornography or tv shows, the man is considered to be cheating if he does so. Every question I've seen on Reddit (which has a premodominantly western audience) describing a similar situation has hundreds of Americans calling the woman crazy and insecure.
I think it's extremely sexist that your people tell women they're crazy or insecure for something so natural. Most people's logic seems to be that you have to let men look at and fantasize about sex with other women because they'll cheat if you don't, or leave you. Monogamy seems to dying in the west. I wouldn't have a problem with if your culture and attitudes weren't influencing the culture and attitude all over the world as the superpower.

I'm not ok with my husband fantasizing having sex with other women or gaining any kind of sexual pleasure from other women and I'm tired of the west centric view being promoted that tells me that I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm exactly the same, if anything is on TV, page 3, holidays, cinema it makes my stomach churn if he looks, I've tried all sorts of counselling and would love to be able to not care what he sees, it controls my life and causes arguments as I daren't even go out at night unless I put a pin lock on some TV channels.
How do learn to cope with these feelings?

[justahuman]

Who is your therapist? I'm a therapist and the first thing I would like to tell you is that you don't need to accept anything that causes you this much pain. If he knows how you feel, why does he continue? Answer that question.

[Anonymous]

Wow.. Get over it girl.

I'm sorry but if you keep going he's going to get fed up and scared off and run away..

It's a movie, it's not like he's going out of his way to stare at naked girls.

Plus, do you know how much it makes it look like you don't trust him?

I know my boyfriend loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and doesn't want anyone else.. But of course he's going to stare at naked girls.. That's what guys do! Doesn't mean they're going to run off with anyone else, nor does it mean he's thinking of cheating.

Look but don't touch. All decent guys follow that.

[Asker]

We have been dating for 2 years..And, this is only the 2nd time I have mentioned it. I told him I am going to try to change. I think, it is also the fact that the way he treated me before is one reason I feel like he will run off will another woman. But, I am going to try myself with my insecurities.

[justahuman]

If you think your man will run off because you ask him to respect you and your relationship, as in not look at other naked women, you have very low expectations and are perpetuating a culture with sexist double standards. "That's what guys do" is an excuse for men to behave like boys.