Men who don't show emotion or don't "get it"....

I've been going out with a guy for 2 months. He claims that he is like me - tender-hearted and giving, but I've seen little of it. While we have things in common and enjoy each other's company (or so I'm guessing from his "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to spend time with you" answer) I can't tell what is going on in his head. There is little to nothing that makes me believe he cares an ounce for me - even though he says he cares and that he is "falling for me" but when we talk on the phone I feel like I'm speaking to a stranger, There is never ANYthing in his tone that speaks of any softness or fondness for me - and the minute we have a disagreement or misunderstanding (even minor, which is ALL we've had thus far) he's running for the door. He's made comments about feeling "stupid" and I don't what makes he come to that conclusion. I had big reservations about this guy as I learned early on that he has gone out with a LOT of women. He even talks to his ex (of a whole whopping 4 months) who dumped HIM. He says he wants to prove her wrong, because she told him that none of her exes talk to her after they break up. And two weeks ago he even said he was "sort of" rubbing me in her face, letting her know he's found someone else (someone better, he adds). But why bother at all? Makes me think there is something there. He says there isn't, but after a bunch of instances where we were discussing her (me bringing her up, which I know makes me look jealous, but for me it is more about KNOWING and BELIEVING everything is over) it just doesn't gel. SHE is even a friend on his myspace, and yet I'm not. Does that sound right to anyone? As of this past Sunday, he said he will change it. Since he's been with me most of these last few days, nothing has gotten done, but I think he is dragging his feet. I think he thinks she will win or something if he stops being "polite" to her. WHY? NOW HERE IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE ... we have sex a lot. We both LOVE sex. I held him off for almost 2 months, so we first had sex only a few weeks ago, but it lasted the whole weekend (about 12 times). But not ONCE did he seem to care if I had an orgasm. I started thinking that maybe this had to do with all the girlfriends he's had and getting hurt (he is DEFINITELY damaged in some way). He has told me to "please not hurt him" a number of times. I've asked the same and yet I feel it is all about him. He knows that I don't orgasm during sex, and yet he doesn't seem to care. I got peeved last night over it, and he said "are you serious?" I couldn't believe it. He claims he does care and that he was just exhausted - but not so exhausted he didn't make sure HE got off. We argued about it for about 10 minutes - and in that 10 minutes he could have given me an orgasm, yet it either didn't cross his mind or he just didn't give a crap. He seems like a guy who (since he's got a big penis) wants - or rather needs - to please his woman, and yet he knows I'm not getting there. ?

Since I last wrote, things have improved, and while I did feel better, now seeing what most of you have said has brought me back to where I was. I did think, for a while, that I was a rebound, that he still cared for the ex -though they only dated 4 month


Most Helpful Guy

  • You're demonstrating one of the major ways women make themselves crazy: they measure male behavior by female standards.

    Here's one reason he doesn't show as much emotion as you'd prefer. Men and women's brains are different. The limbic system, which processes emotions, is more active and better developed in women. Think about that difference. We can't change our brains any more than we can change from right-handed to lefty. So first, you need to accept a scientific fact: men and women feel emotions differently. Women expressing emotions can be like painting the Mona Lisa, while men are kindergarteners with finger paints.

    Second, realize that your emotions are usually irrelevant. So are mine, so are everyone's. Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision. Our emotions exist only in our heads. Our emotions change constantly. You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior.

    Third, have you told him that you don't climax during sex? I don't mean "accused him of being selfish and not caring about you, and making your orgasm his responsibility." I mean you should be direct and assertive. "I'd really like to have an orgasm when he have sex. But that hasn't happened so far. I tend to climax with A, B and C, are you willing to try those to help me have an orgasm?"

    Fourth, he might "run for the door" when it comes to disagreements because he feels like he's under attack. We can't change others. Instead, ask yourself a question: "How might I be contributing to this dilemma, and how can I change? In what ways can I create a more comfortable and welcoming environment where he might feel more willing to talk through problems?" Asking these types of questions will help point you towards a path of action.

    Fifth, read this article by linguist Deborah Tannen [ link [ She's studied the different ways men and women communicate. The healthiest relationships are ones where partners understand and appreciate their differences, and are both willing to adjust to better communicate.

    Hope all this helps.

    Good luck.

    • It helped me and I don't even have this problem.

      "Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision ... You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior."

      Very profound. Wow.

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    • Thanks for the compliments.

      As I see it, we shouldn't expect to control our emotions. That's half the problem (I expect it of myself all the freaking time).

      But you can train yourself to be better aware of a little gap. There's a gap between feeling an emotion, and acting the emotion. There's _always_ a gap, but it's sometimes so brief we're not aware of it.

      If you can get better aware of the gap, you'll be a lot better off for the effort.

    • I've heard this before, sort of, the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus (really should get that book!) I don't know why (call me nuts) but I do believe him when he says he cares. I did ask him pointedly about the not seeming to care about my orgasm thing and he stated, rather simply, that he was "exhausted." This past weekend, he was all over my orgasm. He gave as good as he got. He says he takes things slow - but even with giving a girl (he claims to like a lot) an orgasm? I still don't get it

What Guys Said 15

  • Pretty clear he only cares about himself. You make the case pretty well...

  • Hmmm, it sorta sounds like you are a rebound and that he wants his ex back. For instance, you said you held him off, which sounds like he wanted sex.

    The thing is, is that if he was emotionally gun-shy, then he wouldn't have been pushing for sex since he would be afraid of opening that emotional door. And if he isn't putting any emotional link into sex, then he really isn't putting any emotional link into the relationship.

    Your sex life is a tell of the relationship. He doesn't care what you are getting out of it.

    • He definitely was not pushing for sex. I was more aggressive than him, but when we got hot, I stopped. I'd like to think we were just hot for each other. I joked with him a few times that he'd be "out the door" once he got what he wanted, and he told me that he'd probably just start falling love with me instead. Made me think that sex was an emotional attachment for him, too. This weekend he gave me many orgasms, but I still can't explain why he didn't do anything when I first said something. ??

    • This is why giving advice based on what someone said can be wrong, since you don't know the whole picture.

      It's possible that you were a rebound to begin with but then he became emotionally attached while he was with you. However, he's not ready for that emotional attachment, however, and doesn't want to fully accept it yet.

      He seems to be internalizing your relationship a lot and seems to forget that there are two of you in it.

    • Based on you're comments he seems to be trying to show he cares and take your feelings into account.

      It seems like he did this after he thought he might lose you.

      This relationship is going to take a lot of work. He needs to be willing to let you in. (And sex isn't an emotional attachment for him. Making love is. Sex where he gets off is just sex, but sex where you both get off is making love. Well there's more to it than that...)

      Unfortunately, you can't do much but be patient with him.

  • Actualy girls don't realize this. One of the biggest comments a guy can give a girl is to hang around her a lot. The more we hang around a girl the more we like them. If a guy is hanging around you a lot it means he likes you a lot.

  • It sometimes takes guys a while to emotionaly attatch to women. He definitly knows the potential is there or he wouldn't stay. That means there is a spark. Find out wear the spark is and then poor lighter fluid on it.

    • He's told me he is like a "Turtle" (which he seems to collect) and that it takes him a while to come out of his shell. It actually acted in disbelief when I said it was obvious he didn't care about me. He's like, "Are you kidding? I'm with you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." We do spend entire weekends together and even a night during the week, but I still have some doubts. He did delete names out of his blackberry on Friday - including the ex - but it could have been for show. ????

    • In the end it really comes down how prepared are you to be with someone, that you have to wait around until they become the person they claim to be.

  • This is all I can say...

    "Never listen to what we say...see what we do...this is what we men truly care about."

  • it's like he knows the right things to say but they're not backed with genuine feeling. like a hollow shell. This means his attachment to you is almost on a whim and would explain his dated loads of women and the sense he's still hanging around his ex, it's almost like he took her last words as a challenge. The same hollowness would apply to her too tho. Probably a lot of exes have come to the same conclusion as you. If this kind of personality pervades everything he does, chances are it's just how he is. Maybe that's how his parents treated him. Trouble is either he realises he's not quite right or he doesnt. Either way you should be asking yourself why you've put up with it for so long and now you see through it why you didn't to begin with.

    • The reason he said he talks to the ex is because she told him early on that her exes never talk to her again after they break up. It is like he has to show her he's different. I think he wants to make her regret her decision, which only makes me think he must care in some fashion to want to be bothered. He says the other reason is because we (all of us) belong to the same groups and he can't just ignore her. He said he doesn't need/want to go to these meetings anymore now that we are together.

  • I know this guy. Not actually, but figuratively. This is Mr. Insensitive. I like Mr. Insensitive because he can always get any woman he wants because it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to be hurt by you! He's screwing every woman around because he has no feelings. They can't hurt him. Women reject him, he keeps coming, oblivious to the fact that she just shoved a red hot saber through his heart. It's great for the woman in the beginning, because she can be as brutal as she wants and he keeps on coming. This would be admirable in the extreme if the dude had a heart, but in truth he's pathetic. You can't get the guy you want because you stab the crap out of him to test him. Oops I did it again... yada, yada. Anyway, you end up with that which can pass your tests. If your tests involve emotional pain tolerance, then you'll end up with someone who doesn't feel. Hmm... I wonder what it would be like if I did that to women? How would they respond to getting rejected? I'm sure they'd find some way around it. You guys are so smart that way.

    • Well, if you'd like to know the truth, I bent over backwards for this guy - more so than I did for anyone in the past. I tried to be sweet, caring, show him how *I* felt, but I got very little in return, other than "just wait" or "get to know me". HE was the one testing me, but the minute I wanted something - even a crumb - in return, he ran, as he did (sometime in the middle of the night) on Sunday morning. I woke up and he was gone. No note. Nothing. Did I deserve that?

    • You are responsible for how someone treats you. If you don't like how your being treated you must leave and find another man. Please find another man, someone who will treat you like a person. If you don't like the next one you find move along until you find one you want. Single men are everywhere. Shake a tree and one will fall out.

  • Be patient and his true feelings will be revealed.

  • This guy is all talk and no action. He claims to be giving and tender-hearted because he knows that is what girls want to hear, then he doesn't follow through because he doesn't have those qualities. He doesn't get it because he doesn't care!

  • it sounds like he doesn't care about the 2 of you being together. hey did I answer all your questions? wanna chatt further? am I in the running 4 the best? lol

  • what caught my eye was when you said men don't get it... (not showing emotion)... that is what my ex always said about me... since this is months later are you still with him? is he older than you? so you truthfully think guys with a big penis are a$$-hole$ ?

    • Yes, I'm still with him - but still wondering if I should be. I decided a few weeks ago to just be calm and take a "wait and see" attitude for at least one month. Let all the commotion and issues die down. While he is showing a bit more emotion, he still seems somewhat detached. He thinks saying "I love you" isn't all that necessary. That he - and I - "show" each other we love one another, but I - personally - need the words once and a while. But the bigger problem is his self-absorbed behavior.

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    • I'd love to have some help. As of now, I'm guessing we're broken up & tho I doubt he gvs a crap, I'm heartbroken. Last week when we went out 2 eat - after I NICELY tried 2 talk 2 him about my issue w/his exes (and thm being on hs Facebook pg) - we got into a spat & drove home in silence and haven't spoken since. Ths exes issue and facebook has been going on the entire 5 months we've been going out. Something in him just won't let it - or them - go. I've bn so good 2 hm & yet he never fights 4 me.

    • Hello, thank you for sending a response and wanting my help! please feel free to send me a email:

      and we will talk further if you want.

  • yea, you write too much !

  • I have the same problem with my girlfriend. My feelings for her are beyond this world. lol I don't see myself with any other girl basically. I do love her but have a problem showing emotion well. I try to show her by spending time with her and tryin to take care of her.

    she says all I think about is myself and that if I do love her that it should com natural but it really isn't that easy for me. I haven't shown emotion very well all my life. yea I do cry when I'm sad depending on what it is. yea I do get mad but when it comes to expressing my feelings I have a problem

    any help?

    • If you truly love her like you say, take baby steps for showing your emotion. Trust me it doesn't take much. Start with giving her a soft slow kiss when you see her/get home. Doesn't have to be full blown make-out, just something more than a quick peck on the lips.

      Or just give her a hug like its the last time you'll see her. Start small....I know its hard when you didn't grow up that way...most guys dont. But try...and hopefully she'll see the effort.

  • Some people have low affect, which means they don't show emotion a whole lot. I'm like that. But, I am actually a highly emotional person. People just can't see it.


What Girls Said 3

  • Wow, you are with a guy who is very focused on his needs. He may be caring and giving, but it is directed towards himself, not towards you. He will say what he says and from his perspective he believes it, but a guy who could care less if you have an orgasm is a bad sign.

    Your guy almost sounds like my ex. I thought he was great in bed until I really thought about the fact that he never cared whether I had an orgasm. His belief was that it was hard for women to orgasm and he wasn't going to put that pressure on himself and would leave it for me. He also just saw me as an object to show off (like your guy showing you off to his ex) to others. He too, was a player that had slept with a lot of women, so it was like he was playing house, proving to his friends and family that he was settled now and that he loved my daughter like she was his own (though he admits he does not like children). Once all the novelty of this wore off, he broke up with me. It broke my heart, but now I see he did me such a big favor. He was very in to himself and struggled to connect to me or anyone else. I want a man in my life who is in to me, not himself.

    Decide what you want in life and consider whether this guy is delivering that to you. If it doesn't work for you, well good luck talking to him and getting him to recognize what you need. Otherwise, let him go.

  • You are very contradicting in this whole paragraph. Unfortunately, I think you are just a rebound. You are nothing serious. When he says "Don't hurt me" it really means, "Don't hurt my ego". He still has feelings for his ex and you are there to fill that void. If you are looking for just a fling this is it. If you are looking for something serious; this is not the guy and it's time you move on.

    • I agree.... from what I can tell he's not your Mr. Right. You are his Miss ReplacemyexGF.

      i think if I was in your position I would leave him since even though you are expressing your love for him, he isn't willingly NOT doing the same for you. If it doesn't go 2ways, than what's the point?

      theres plenty of fish in the sea :)

  • Honey, run away from him and don't ever look back! He isn't worth it. I just went through the exact situation with my boyfriend (now my ex) and experienced a lot of the same things you have mentioned. The reason he gives you for still talking to his ex is BS, don't believe it. He just tells you that so he can conveinantly talk to her when he wants and so it won't piss you off, since he's already prewarned you that he wants to prove her wrong. The "i wouldn't be here if I didn't want to" comment is also BS. Guys just say that to make you think they are in the relationship for the right reasons, when actually they are using you and playing you? Could he be using you for something to fullfill some needs of his own? The reason you feel like a stranger on the phone is because his mind is constantly preoccupied with other things or other people. Or he is also talking/texting a few other women at the same time as you and he can't focus in on your guys connection because he doesn't feel one. Believe me, I have been through it all with. Remember if it doesn't gel, what he is telling you about his ex, then that's a red flag to you. He probably still does want to be with her but has gotten involved with you as a rebound and a companion for the time being. The 'please don't hurt me' thing is also a lie. He wants you to feel that he cares about you and wants you to feel that is is really into you and the realtionship, but he's not. It's called reverse psychology! My man was definitely not normal either and I had a lot of red flags and we broke up and got back together 3 times before I realized he was just a manipulator and that his actions NEVER backed up his words. My man also couldn't believe that we were arguing about sex a few times a week (my unsatisfaction with it). He would tell me that " we are not dying, we have food, a roof and family that loves us, so why is sex such a big deal to you"? Basically about the sex, he just doesn't give a crap, because he"s not stupid, he's listening to what you want, but not doing anything about it to make you happy. He will never change, these kinds of men are only into themselves and what they can get from you. He will drain your self esteem and you will loose your sexual confidence, please save yourself and get out now while it's early on. I hope this helps you, you can contact me if you have any further questions. BTW, where are you located?

    • Hey Nash ... I'm sorry for your recent hurt. I can understand the pain. I've NEVER dealt with a guy like this - and worse, I'm falling for him! I've had guys treat me fantastically (and definitely had feelings for them) but nothing like this guy. He's mentioned the word "challenge" in the past, and I wonder if that is what he is trying to be. I've picked up that he's worried I'll dump him once the challenge is gone. If it makes any difference, he tells me he doesn't want to be without me.

    • Just trust your gut and go with it. It' usually right. And don't disregard any red flags he gives you. Hopefully, you won't have to go through what I went through. And if it makes any difference, mine told me I was his soulmate and wanted to grow old together......................Good luck to you.