Men who don't show emotion or don't "get it"....

I've been going out with a guy for 2 months. He claims that he is like me - tender-hearted and giving, but I've seen little of it. While we have things in common and enjoy each other's company (or so I'm guessing from his "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to spend time with you" answer) I can't tell what is going on in his head. There is little to nothing that makes me believe he cares an ounce for me - even though he says he cares and that he is "falling for me" but when we talk on the phone I feel like I'm speaking to a stranger, There is never ANYthing in his tone that speaks of any softness or fondness for me - and the minute we have a disagreement or misunderstanding (even minor, which is ALL we've had thus far) he's running for the door. He's made comments about feeling "stupid" and I don't what makes he come to that conclusion. I had big reservations about this guy as I learned early on that he has gone out with a LOT of women. He even talks to his ex (of a whole whopping 4 months) who dumped HIM. He says he wants to prove her wrong, because she told him that none of her exes talk to her after they break up. And two weeks ago he even said he was "sort of" rubbing me in her face, letting her know he's found someone else (someone better, he adds). But why bother at all? Makes me think there is something there. He says there isn't, but after a bunch of instances where we were discussing her (me bringing her up, which I know makes me look jealous, but for me it is more about KNOWING and BELIEVING everything is over) it just doesn't gel. SHE is even a friend on his myspace, and yet I'm not. Does that sound right to anyone? As of this past Sunday, he said he will change it. Since he's been with me most of these last few days, nothing has gotten done, but I think he is dragging his feet. I think he thinks she will win or something if he stops being "polite" to her. WHY? NOW HERE IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE ... we have sex a lot. We both LOVE sex. I held him off for almost 2 months, so we first had sex only a few weeks ago, but it lasted the whole weekend (about 12 times). But not ONCE did he seem to care if I had an orgasm. I started thinking that maybe this had to do with all the girlfriends he's had and getting hurt (he is DEFINITELY damaged in some way). He has told me to "please not hurt him" a number of times. I've asked the same and yet I feel it is all about him. He knows that I don't orgasm during sex, and yet he doesn't seem to care. I got peeved last night over it, and he said "are you serious?" I couldn't believe it. He claims he does care and that he was just exhausted - but not so exhausted he didn't make sure HE got off. We argued about it for about 10 minutes - and in that 10 minutes he could have given me an orgasm, yet it either didn't cross his mind or he just didn't give a crap. He seems like a guy who (since he's got a big penis) wants - or rather needs - to please his woman, and yet he knows I'm not getting there. ?

Since I last wrote, things have improved, and while I did feel better, now seeing what most of you have said has brought me back to where I was. I did think, for a while, that I was a rebound, that he still cared for the ex -though they only dated 4 month


Most Helpful Guy

  • You're demonstrating one of the major ways women make themselves crazy: they measure male behavior by female standards.

    Here's one reason he doesn't show as much emotion as you'd prefer. Men and women's brains are different. The limbic system, which processes emotions, is more active and better developed in women. Think about that difference. We can't change our brains any more than we can change from right-handed to lefty. So first, you need to accept a scientific fact: men and women feel emotions differently. Women expressing emotions can be like painting the Mona Lisa, while men are kindergarteners with finger paints.

    Second, realize that your emotions are usually irrelevant. So are mine, so are everyone's. Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision. Our emotions exist only in our heads. Our emotions change constantly. You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior.

    Third, have you told him that you don't climax during sex? I don't mean "accused him of being selfish and not caring about you, and making your orgasm his responsibility." I mean you should be direct and assertive. "I'd really like to have an orgasm when he have sex. But that hasn't happened so far. I tend to climax with A, B and C, are you willing to try those to help me have an orgasm?"

    Fourth, he might "run for the door" when it comes to disagreements because he feels like he's under attack. We can't change others. Instead, ask yourself a question: "How might I be contributing to this dilemma, and how can I change? In what ways can I create a more comfortable and welcoming environment where he might feel more willing to talk through problems?" Asking these types of questions will help point you towards a path of action.

    Fifth, read this article by linguist Deborah Tannen [ link [ She's studied the different ways men and women communicate. The healthiest relationships are ones where partners understand and appreciate their differences, and are both willing to adjust to better communicate.

    Hope all this helps.

    Good luck.

    • It helped me and I don't even have this problem.

      "Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision ... You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior."

      Very profound. Wow.

    • Show All
    • Thanks for the compliments.

      As I see it, we shouldn't expect to control our emotions. That's half the problem (I expect it of myself all the freaking time).

      But you can train yourself to be better aware of a little gap. There's a gap between feeling an emotion, and acting the emotion. There's _always_ a gap, but it's sometimes so brief we're not aware of it.

      If you can get better aware of the gap, you'll be a lot better off for the effort.

    • I've heard this before, sort of, the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus (really should get that book!) I don't know why (call me nuts) but I do believe him when he says he cares. I did ask him pointedly about the not seeming to care about my orgasm thing and he stated, rather simply, that he was "exhausted." This past weekend, he was all over my orgasm. He gave as good as he got. He says he takes things slow - but even with giving a girl (he claims to like a lot) an orgasm? I still don't get it

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What Guys Said 15

  • Pretty clear he only cares about himself. You make the case pretty well...

  • Hmmm, it sorta sounds like you are a rebound and that he wants his ex back. For instance, you said you held him off, which sounds like he wanted sex.

    The thing is, is that if he was emotionally gun-shy, then he wouldn't have been pushing for sex since he would be afraid of opening that emotional door. And if he isn't putting any emotional link into sex, then he really isn't putting any emotional link into the relationship.

    Your sex life is a tell of the relationship. He doesn't care what you are getting out of it.

    • He definitely was not pushing for sex. I was more aggressive than him, but when we got hot, I stopped. I'd like to think we were just hot for each other. I joked with him a few times that he'd be "out the door" once he got what he wanted, and he told me that he'd probably just start falling love with me instead. Made me think that sex was an emotional attachment for him, too. This weekend he gave me many orgasms, but I still can't explain why he didn't do anything when I first said something. ??

    • This is why giving advice based on what someone said can be wrong, since you don't know the whole picture.

      It's possible that you were a rebound to begin with but then he became emotionally attached while he was with you. However, he's not ready for that emotional attachment, however, and doesn't want to fully accept it yet.

      He seems to be internalizing your relationship a lot and seems to forget that there are two of you in it.

    • Based on you're comments he seems to be trying to show he cares and take your feelings into account.

      It seems like he did this after he thought he might lose you.

      This relationship is going to take a lot of work. He needs to be willing to let you in. (And sex isn't an emotional attachment for him. Making love is. Sex where he gets off is just sex, but sex where you both get off is making love. Well there's more to it than that...)

      Unfortunately, you can't do much but be patient with him.

  • Actualy girls don't realize this. One of the biggest comments a guy can give a girl is to hang around her a lot. The more we hang around a girl the more we like them. If a guy is hanging around you a lot it means he likes you a lot.

  • It sometimes takes guys a while to emotionaly attatch to women. He definitly knows the potential is there or he wouldn't stay. That means there is a spark. Find out wear the spark is and then poor lighter fluid on it.

    • He's told me he is like a "Turtle" (which he seems to collect) and that it takes him a while to come out of his shell. It actually acted in disbelief when I said it was obvious he didn't care about me. He's like, "Are you kidding? I'm with you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." We do spend entire weekends together and even a night during the week, but I still have some doubts. He did delete names out of his blackberry on Friday - including the ex - but it could have been for show. ????

    • In the end it really comes down how prepared are you to be with someone, that you have to wait around until they become the person they claim to be.

  • This is all I can say...

    "Never listen to what we say...see what we do...this is what we men truly care about."

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What Girls Said 3

  • Wow, you are with a guy who is very focused on his needs. He may be caring and giving, but it is directed towards himself, not towards you. He will say what he says and from his perspective he believes it, but a guy who could care less if you have an orgasm is a bad sign.

    Your guy almost sounds like my ex. I thought he was great in bed until I really thought about the fact that he never cared whether I had an orgasm. His belief was that it was hard for women to orgasm and he wasn't going to put that pressure on himself and would leave it for me. He also just saw me as an object to show off (like your guy showing you off to his ex) to others. He too, was a player that had slept with a lot of women, so it was like he was playing house, proving to his friends and family that he was settled now and that he loved my daughter like she was his own (though he admits he does not like children). Once all the novelty of this wore off, he broke up with me. It broke my heart, but now I see he did me such a big favor. He was very in to himself and struggled to connect to me or anyone else. I want a man in my life who is in to me, not himself.

    Decide what you want in life and consider whether this guy is delivering that to you. If it doesn't work for you, well good luck talking to him and getting him to recognize what you need. Otherwise, let him go.

  • You are very contradicting in this whole paragraph. Unfortunately, I think you are just a rebound. You are nothing serious. When he says "Don't hurt me" it really means, "Don't hurt my ego". He still has feelings for his ex and you are there to fill that void. If you are looking for just a fling this is it. If you are looking for something serious; this is not the guy and it's time you move on.

    • I agree.... from what I can tell he's not your Mr. Right. You are his Miss ReplacemyexGF.

      i think if I was in your position I would leave him since even though you are expressing your love for him, he isn't willingly NOT doing the same for you. If it doesn't go 2ways, than what's the point?

      theres plenty of fish in the sea :)

  • Honey, run away from him and don't ever look back! He isn't worth it. I just went through the exact situation with my boyfriend (now my ex) and experienced a lot of the same things you have mentioned. The reason he gives you for still talking to his ex is BS, don't believe it. He just tells you that so he can conveinantly talk to her when he wants and so it won't piss you off, since he's already prewarned you that he wants to prove her wrong. The "i wouldn't be here if I didn't want to" comment is also BS. Guys just say that to make you think they are in the relationship for the right reasons, when actually they are using you and playing you? Could he be using you for something to fullfill some needs of his own? The reason you feel like a stranger on the phone is because his mind is constantly preoccupied with other things or other people. Or he is also talking/texting a few other women at the same time as you and he can't focus in on your guys connection because he doesn't feel one. Believe me, I have been through it all with. Remember if it doesn't gel, what he is telling you about his ex, then that's a red flag to you. He probably still does want to be with her but has gotten involved with you as a rebound and a companion for the time being. The 'please don't hurt me' thing is also a lie. He wants you to feel that he cares about you and wants you to feel that is is really into you and the realtionship, but he's not. It's called reverse psychology! My man was definitely not normal either and I had a lot of red flags and we broke up and got back together 3 times before I realized he was just a manipulator and that his actions NEVER backed up his words. My man also couldn't believe that we were arguing about sex a few times a week (my unsatisfaction with it). He would tell me that " we are not dying, we have food, a roof and family that loves us, so why is sex such a big deal to you"? Basically about the sex, he just doesn't give a crap, because he"s not stupid, he's listening to what you want, but not doing anything about it to make you happy. He will never change, these kinds of men are only into themselves and what they can get from you. He will drain your self esteem and you will loose your sexual confidence, please save yourself and get out now while it's early on. I hope this helps you, you can contact me if you have any further questions. BTW, where are you located?

    • Hey Nash ... I'm sorry for your recent hurt. I can understand the pain. I've NEVER dealt with a guy like this - and worse, I'm falling for him! I've had guys treat me fantastically (and definitely had feelings for them) but nothing like this guy. He's mentioned the word "challenge" in the past, and I wonder if that is what he is trying to be. I've picked up that he's worried I'll dump him once the challenge is gone. If it makes any difference, he tells me he doesn't want to be without me.

    • Just trust your gut and go with it. It' usually right. And don't disregard any red flags he gives you. Hopefully, you won't have to go through what I went through. And if it makes any difference, mine told me I was his soulmate and wanted to grow old together......................Good luck to you.