Men who don't show emotion or don't "get it"....

I've been going out with a guy for 2 months. He claims that he is like me - tender-hearted and giving, but I've seen little of it. While we have things in common and enjoy each other's company (or so I'm guessing from his "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to spend time with you" answer) I can't tell what is going on in his head. There is little to nothing that makes me believe he cares an ounce for me - even though he says he cares and that he is "falling for me" but when we talk on the phone I feel like I'm speaking to a stranger, There is never ANYthing in his tone that speaks of any softness or fondness for me - and the minute we have a disagreement or misunderstanding (even minor, which is ALL we've had thus far) he's running for the door. He's made comments about feeling "stupid" and I don't what makes he come to that conclusion. I had big reservations about this guy as I learned early on that he has gone out with a LOT of women. He even talks to his ex (of a whole whopping 4 months) who dumped HIM. He says he wants to prove her wrong, because she told him that none of her exes talk to her after they break up. And two weeks ago he even said he was "sort of" rubbing me in her face, letting her know he's found someone else (someone better, he adds). But why bother at all? Makes me think there is something there. He says there isn't, but after a bunch of instances where we were discussing her (me bringing her up, which I know makes me look jealous, but for me it is more about KNOWING and BELIEVING everything is over) it just doesn't gel. SHE is even a friend on his myspace, and yet I'm not. Does that sound right to anyone? As of this past Sunday, he said he will change it. Since he's been with me most of these last few days, nothing has gotten done, but I think he is dragging his feet. I think he thinks she will win or something if he stops being "polite" to her. WHY? NOW HERE IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE ... we have sex a lot. We both LOVE sex. I held him off for almost 2 months, so we first had sex only a few weeks ago, but it lasted the whole weekend (about 12 times). But not ONCE did he seem to care if I had an orgasm. I started thinking that maybe this had to do with all the girlfriends he's had and getting hurt (he is DEFINITELY damaged in some way). He has told me to "please not hurt him" a number of times. I've asked the same and yet I feel it is all about him. He knows that I don't orgasm during sex, and yet he doesn't seem to care. I got peeved last night over it, and he said "are you serious?" I couldn't believe it. He claims he does care and that he was just exhausted - but not so exhausted he didn't make sure HE got off. We argued about it for about 10 minutes - and in that 10 minutes he could have given me an orgasm, yet it either didn't cross his mind or he just didn't give a crap. He seems like a guy who (since he's got a big penis) wants - or rather needs - to please his woman, and yet he knows I'm not getting there. ?

Since I last wrote, things have improved, and while I did feel better, now seeing what most of you have said has brought me back to where I was. I did think, for a while, that I was a rebound, that he still cared for the ex -though they only dated 4 month

Most Helpful Guy

  • You're demonstrating one of the major ways women make themselves crazy: they measure male behavior by female standards.

    Here's one reason he doesn't show as much emotion as you'd prefer. Men and women's brains are different. The limbic system, which processes emotions, is more active and better developed in women. Think about that difference. We can't change our brains any more than we can change from right-handed to lefty. So first, you need to accept a scientific fact: men and women feel emotions differently. Women expressing emotions can be like painting the Mona Lisa, while men are kindergarteners with finger paints.

    Second, realize that your emotions are usually irrelevant. So are mine, so are everyone's. Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision. Our emotions exist only in our heads. Our emotions change constantly. You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior.

    Third, have you told him that you don't climax during sex? I don't mean "accused him of being selfish and not caring about you, and making your orgasm his responsibility." I mean you should be direct and assertive. "I'd really like to have an orgasm when he have sex. But that hasn't happened so far. I tend to climax with A, B and C, are you willing to try those to help me have an orgasm?"

    Fourth, he might "run for the door" when it comes to disagreements because he feels like he's under attack. We can't change others. Instead, ask yourself a question: "How might I be contributing to this dilemma, and how can I change? In what ways can I create a more comfortable and welcoming environment where he might feel more willing to talk through problems?" Asking these types of questions will help point you towards a path of action.

    Fifth, read this article by linguist Deborah Tannen [ link [ She's studied the different ways men and women communicate. The healthiest relationships are ones where partners understand and appreciate their differences, and are both willing to adjust to better communicate.

    Hope all this helps.

    Good luck.

    • It helped me and I don't even have this problem.

      "Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision ... You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior."

      Very profound. Wow.

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    • Thanks for the compliments.

      As I see it, we shouldn't expect to control our emotions. That's half the problem (I expect it of myself all the freaking time).

      But you can train yourself to be better aware of a little gap. There's a gap between feeling an emotion, and acting the emotion. There's _always_ a gap, but it's sometimes so brief we're not aware of it.

      If you can get better aware of the gap, you'll be a lot better off for the effort.

    • I've heard this before, sort of, the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus (really should get that book!) I don't know why (call me nuts) but I do believe him when he says he cares. I did ask him pointedly about the not seeming to care about my orgasm thing and he stated, rather simply, that he was "exhausted." This past weekend, he was all over my orgasm. He gave as good as he got. He says he takes things slow - but even with giving a girl (he claims to like a lot) an orgasm? I still don't get it