Men who don't show emotion or don't "get it"....

I've been going out with a guy for 2 months. He claims that he is like me - tender-hearted and giving, but I've seen little of it. While we have things in common and enjoy each other's company (or so I'm guessing from his "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to spend time with you" answer) I can't... Show More

Since I last wrote, things have improved, and while I did feel better, now seeing what most of you have said has brought me back to where I was. I did think, for a while, that I was a rebound, that he still cared for the ex -though they only dated 4 month

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  • You're demonstrating one of the major ways women make themselves crazy: they measure male behavior by female standards.

    Here's one reason he doesn't show as much emotion as you'd prefer. Men and women's brains are different. The limbic system, which processes emotions, is more active and better developed in women. Think about that difference. We can't change our brains any more than we can change from right-handed to lefty. So first, you need to accept a scientific fact: men and women feel emotions differently. Women expressing emotions can be like painting the Mona Lisa, while men are kindergarteners with finger paints.

    Second, realize that your emotions are usually irrelevant. So are mine, so are everyone's. Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision. Our emotions exist only in our heads. Our emotions change constantly. You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior.

    Third, have you told him that you don't climax during sex? I don't mean "accused him of being selfish and not caring about you, and making your orgasm his responsibility." I mean you should be direct and assertive. "I'd really like to have an orgasm when he have sex. But that hasn't happened so far. I tend to climax with A, B and C, are you willing to try those to help me have an orgasm?"

    Fourth, he might "run for the door" when it comes to disagreements because he feels like he's under attack. We can't change others. Instead, ask yourself a question: "How might I be contributing to this dilemma, and how can I change? In what ways can I create a more comfortable and welcoming environment where he might feel more willing to talk through problems?" Asking these types of questions will help point you towards a path of action.

    Fifth, read this article by linguist Deborah Tannen [ link [ She's studied the different ways men and women communicate. The healthiest relationships are ones where partners understand and appreciate their differences, and are both willing to adjust to better communicate.

    Hope all this helps.

    Good luck.

    • It helped me and I don't even have this problem.

      "Simply because you have an emotion doesn't mean it's a valid reason for a decision ... You can be aware of your emotions, but also understand that emotions do not justify behavior."

      Very profound. Wow.

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    • Thanks for the compliments.

      As I see it, we shouldn't expect to control our emotions. That's half the problem (I expect it of myself all the freaking time).

      But you can train yourself to be better aware of a little gap. There's a gap between feeling an emotion, and acting the emotion. There's _always_ a gap, but it's sometimes so brief we're not aware of it.

      If you can get better aware of the gap, you'll be a lot better off for the effort.

    • I've heard this before, sort of, the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus (really should get that book!) I don't know why (call me nuts) but I do believe him when he says he cares. I did ask him pointedly about the not seeming to care about my orgasm thing and he stated, rather simply, that he was "exhausted." This past weekend, he was all over my orgasm. He gave as good as he got. He says he takes things slow - but even with giving a girl (he claims to like a lot) an orgasm? I still don't get it