I've never been loved in my life- my family is very disconnected and any relationships that I've had have kind of fizzled out.
I really yearn for the feeling of being wanted and appreciated. I also want to be able to love somebody else and make them happy. Whenever I get rejected by a guy in some way I feel really shit. I've got almost a phobia of it. Whenever I am in the beginning of a 'relationship' with a guy I seem to clam up and I don't think I've ever even slightly expressed my true self to a guy. What if I never do? Sometimes I really believe I'm unlovable. I think I have some kind of inferiority complex. I do think I'm physically attractive but even so I look at myself in the mirror and assess my personality and convince myself I'm disgusting and not worth as much as everybody else. Do other people get these feelings? I look at people with confidence in wonderment- how do they do it?!? I just cannot be happy with myself. I feel like I really really want a boyfriend to tell me that I'm ok, that he loves me. That would just be heaven. But there's nobody. And I feel so alone.
Most Helpful Girl
I hate to say it, but I've felt that way all my life. From relationships with my family, friends and men I always end up getting the shaft and feeling alone and forgotten. It really gets me down sometimes, but I started "faking the funk" like...acting like I deserve to be loved, doing my own thing, finding stuff I like to do, having fun my own way. It does work, and I do feel way better and my friendships and relationships will go better, but then no matter how upbeat and positive I remain, people fizzle and fade around me anyway.
Id love to be the center of someones world, to be able to do things for them, and know they want to do for me too, to think of someone knowing they are thinking of me too...to really feel loved as much as I love... I just can't shake the feeling that it will end, so when it happens, I enjoy it to the fullest...I just don't get my hopes up or put any pressure on someone else or myself cause the higher my hopes, the worse it feels when all is said and done.
I wish I could be more encouraging, but that really is what has helped me from being depressed all the time...not getting my hopes up and enjoying the moments as they happen, cause stressing over what may be, even though I do dread the "inevitable" that will carry over and affect the here and now...sort of like how positive thinking brings good things, negative thinking brings bad things...and I want the good things to last as long as possible.
Deep down, I do hope that one day, it will sneak up on me...the real thing that is...that there will be someone who doesn't leave, who does genuinely love me and enjoy being with me...so that without realizing it, I finally do have what I've wanted all along.
I am with a great guy now, but I feel things slipping away...its been a couple of years, and I have been super upbeat and understanding and just taking things day by day, but its starting to get to me and he knows it. He's taken to telling me that everything will be alright, not to worry, etc... But its hard. Part of me wants to lay it out and tell him how everyone I've ever loved has left me for no apparent reason...how every ex I have tells me I'm the "one who got away" and it was a mistake to take me for granted, but I don't want to put myself out there and appear as weak as I really am. And Id rather he be with me cause he wants to be, not cause he feels guilt tripped cause of my past... Anyway, one can only do thier best, live life to the fullest, enjoy the good times and try not to worry aout tomorrow.