Am I unlovable?

I've never been loved in my life- my family is very disconnected and any relationships that I've had have kind of fizzled out.

I really yearn for the feeling of being wanted and appreciated. I also want to be able to love somebody else and make them happy. Whenever I get rejected by a guy in some way I feel really shit. I've got almost a phobia of it. Whenever I am in the beginning of a 'relationship' with a guy I seem to clam up and I don't think I've ever even slightly expressed my true self to a guy. What if I never do? Sometimes I really believe I'm unlovable. I think I have some kind of inferiority complex. I do think I'm physically attractive but even so I look at myself in the mirror and assess my personality and convince myself I'm disgusting and not worth as much as everybody else. Do other people get these feelings? I look at people with confidence in wonderment- how do they do it?!? I just cannot be happy with myself. I feel like I really really want a boyfriend to tell me that I'm ok, that he loves me. That would just be heaven. But there's nobody. And I feel so alone.

Any advice?

Thank you all so much for your answers. You've really made me think..


Most Helpful Girl

  • I hate to say it, but I've felt that way all my life. From relationships with my family, friends and men I always end up getting the shaft and feeling alone and forgotten. It really gets me down sometimes, but I started "faking the funk" like...acting like I deserve to be loved, doing my own thing, finding stuff I like to do, having fun my own way. It does work, and I do feel way better and my friendships and relationships will go better, but then no matter how upbeat and positive I remain, people fizzle and fade around me anyway.

    Id love to be the center of someones world, to be able to do things for them, and know they want to do for me too, to think of someone knowing they are thinking of me really feel loved as much as I love... I just can't shake the feeling that it will end, so when it happens, I enjoy it to the fullest...I just don't get my hopes up or put any pressure on someone else or myself cause the higher my hopes, the worse it feels when all is said and done.

    I wish I could be more encouraging, but that really is what has helped me from being depressed all the time...not getting my hopes up and enjoying the moments as they happen, cause stressing over what may be, even though I do dread the "inevitable" that will carry over and affect the here and now...sort of like how positive thinking brings good things, negative thinking brings bad things...and I want the good things to last as long as possible.

    Deep down, I do hope that one day, it will sneak up on me...the real thing that is...that there will be someone who doesn't leave, who does genuinely love me and enjoy being with that without realizing it, I finally do have what I've wanted all along.

    I am with a great guy now, but I feel things slipping away...its been a couple of years, and I have been super upbeat and understanding and just taking things day by day, but its starting to get to me and he knows it. He's taken to telling me that everything will be alright, not to worry, etc... But its hard. Part of me wants to lay it out and tell him how everyone I've ever loved has left me for no apparent every ex I have tells me I'm the "one who got away" and it was a mistake to take me for granted, but I don't want to put myself out there and appear as weak as I really am. And Id rather he be with me cause he wants to be, not cause he feels guilt tripped cause of my past... Anyway, one can only do thier best, live life to the fullest, enjoy the good times and try not to worry aout tomorrow.


What Guys Said 7

  • I am sorry for how you feel about yourself. It is really too bad that your family is not close enough to give you that sense of security and self-worth. It can be really hard to be disconnected, or to feel like you are. I don't have any magic advice, but you first need to become comfortable with yourself because if you are not nobody else can fill that hole adequately. I know that is easy to say and hard to do. In my own personal life I know that when I began to develop a relationship with God that many of my own feelings of anger, disconnectedness, and unhappiness sort of solved themselves and I think I naturally became a much more appealing person from the perspective of what kind of person I was on the inside. I certainly felt better about myself and my life has taken a much more positive direction ever since. Seek a relationship with God because He knows you, loves you, and knows how to help you heal your wounds and soothe your pain.

  • I know how you feel. Someone can love us though. They are just very very hard to find. You have to be fearless and realize that if you absolutely bear your soul to someone that they will accept all your hidden yuckiness. That is intimacy and love. So go ahead and bear your soul. Be your real self. If your mate leaves then they weren't your soul mate. Here's the thing though, not many people in this whole world can handle the truth that lies within all of us. We all have jealousy, lust, greed, selfishness, and much more that we will eventually display. That's when buyer's remorse can set in on an idealist's commitment and get someone thinking they should trade up for a better model. The modern relationship model's love is very conditional. That's why people split up. We think we love each other when we first meet yet really don't even know each other. So you have to know yourself, try to understand your monstrous emotions, accept them, don't spend years of painful effort hiding them, and accept other peoples monsters too. The longer you hide your dark side the longer you will have to live without intimacy and the longer you will have to risk staying with someone who may not be able to handle your real self.

  • Well, other people can intuitively pick up on how you feel about yourself. I think the first step in this problem is to learn to love yourself. Everyone has good and bad parts to them. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is terrible either. Just be happy with who you are, and guys will surely come running! I promise.

  • I'm in the exact same boat as you.

  • It is possible also the guys who rejected did not chose you, may have done so due to a tad of drama in their lives. let yourself not feel anger towards them. instead be that woman you know you would wish to be. In this day, and age, we tend to try to rush into love, only to find a snare. Let your heart decide. If for any reason you feel really bad compared to those persons from those reality shows, any guy worth having a great woman, will not pick those features over the overall. Just love yourself, love animals (we love gals who love animals, if however you are allergic, we understand). At the end of the day, if a guy is not wise enough to have seen such a beautiful woman, it is his loss. Sometimes yes, we do become intimidated (some understandable intimidation, like wondering if we are worth such a wonderful woman), just know, there might be some guys you are interested in who merely are afraid of hurting you in the future, and thus do nothing, so you won't be.

    I myself wish you the best (both in life, and guy).

    Oh, something else I was told on occasion by my dad when he was as we all can be at times. He told me when he was just in dream state (a point between actual rem sleeping, and completely awake), he just had a flash of insight as to why he was so depressed. He let himself see he had lost/forgotten his sense of humor. For him, it increased his sales, and made life easier. For people the sense of humor allows us to not take things so seriously for a second, and open up. That really is the secret no one ever talks about. Let yourself have a bit of a smile. For yourself, no one else, and yet, the smile will warm the hearts of everyone around you, including your own, and the so called game just fades away. What's the worst that can happen? You feel good about yourself.

  • Be patient. You may be reading too much into may not be able to open up to these people because they aren't the person for you. Regarding your statement about not being able to be happy with yourself and wanting a guy to tell you you are ok...that will never work. You need to be happy with yourself before you can ever be happy with someone else. Do things to boost your self-confidence and self-worth. Make a list of all your positive and negative qualities. Embellish your good qualities and work on bettering your negative ones. This will put things in perspective and give you goals to achieve. Trust me it works.

  • Express your true self to everyone, then you will attract a guy who is looking for someone like you.

    You're a girl, you have a major advantage in the dating game--guys are expected to ask girls out still, mostly. So, just make finding a boyfriend a low priority. Work on being yourself with everybody.

    Eventually, some guy is going to like what he sees.


What Girls Said 11

  • I think the way you currently feel about yourself will eventually draw you into an abusive relationship. Abusive men prey on women like you - low self esteem, no feeling of worth, needy for reassurance. If you continue the way you are, you will be so grateful to a man for being with you - you will eventually lose yourself to him.

    I know because that's the way I used to be. I was convinced that I was completely unlovable - my parents didn't want me, my friends didn't care about me, no man would ever want me. When I finally found a guy, my constant need for reassurance drove him away. The next guy loved it. My low self esteem was a tool he used to manipulate me. And manipulate me he did. I left after he hit me.

    Don't be in a relationship because you want to feel good about yourself. It wouldn't be fair to your boyfriend, and it wouldn't be fair to you. You can't make someone happy if you're not happy to begin with. Tired old cliche - but absolutely true.

    Your feeling of self worth shouldn't come from outside influences, it should come from within. It's harder when you don't have the foundation of love that your parents should have given you, but it's not impossible.

    Good luck. I wish you the best.

  • Well first off you have to understand that the majority of the human race is f***ed up and everyone is longing for acceptance and love, it juts depends on how aware of their longing they are. You are aware of your longing, on top of having a bunch of lousy relationships, this can make you feel like shit. It makes sense that you feel "unlovable" because things seems so hopeless and you have been starved for true relating. Which I will tell you, a "true relationship" where you are 100% yourself with another person, almost doesn't exist (it might, it's just so rare). So you feel this way, your unhappy because of it, what do you do about it? Well first you need to come to recognize that leaning the ability to relate to others is a life long learning process. Also, if you are successful at relating to others, this doesn't mean that you will have nothing but good relationships. The people on this planet are pretty screwed up and I think you are feeling the effects of that. So what you need to do, is rather than look to others to complete you, is to look inside of yourself, see how you can make you happy. If you leave that up to someone else you will be let down over and over and over again. It is a sad truth. Once you can make yourself happy you won't feel insecure and clam up around people because you will have solid ground to stand on. Get a kick ass hobbie, go to aerobics classes you independent. It is a lot of fun.

    As for the relationship stuff: A lot of men around your age are really immature and full of themselves, they think nothing of the woman they are in a relationship with, f*** them. Ditch those bastards as soon as you catch wind of their bull shit. Don't let them take advantage of you because you are desperate for a healthy relationship, you won't get a healthy relationship by allowing yourself to be a door mat. If you become a strong, independent and fearless woman you will become a beacon of desire for the right kind of man.

  • It's normal to feel all those ways if you're lonely. Trust me, I've been there. Unfortunately, the only cure for loneliness is to actually put yourself out there. I don't care how you do it, really, but you need to hang out with people (guys or not guys). If the first people don't work or don't like you, it does not matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because there are literally billions of people, and so a few of them do not matter. Some people will try to take advantage of you. Try to pick those people out and stay away from them. Not everybody knows how to do that, but it's never too late to try to learn. Well anyway, if you're on the computer a lot, and not talking to people in person, your body doesn't get a chance to regulate itself with other people. Your heart rate and mood, etc. depend on other people, basically. Do not feel afraid, everyone wants somebody to hang out with, and everybody wants to feel not so afraid. People will like you if you give them a chance to get to know you. It's going to be hard at first, but keep in mind that if you want a friend who really connects with you, you might have to go through twenty, fifty, or a hundred people. But then you can say to your friend, you know, you really are a one of a kind person, and it took a long time for me to find a friend as good as you.

    What got me out of the way I used to feel? I got a boyfriend, and moved in with him, and then I got a job in which I talk to people a lot. Then I made a bunch of friends.

  • I've felt this way for years.. and I'm sure a lot of women do at some point or another.

    I agree with missnicole. For years I was longing for a relationship, to h ave someone to love me, to be able to be there for someone and love them just as much. I would always tell myself "let it come to you, don't go searching for it, it will happen eventually. Someone will come along and make the effort if they really want to" and that was SO worth it. I ended up meeting an amazing guy, and completely fell in love. we were together for a year. During that relationship, I let everything else in my life go and concentrated on him and our relationship. Biggest mistake. I became so depended on him, and his love, and his time, that it eventually just ruined it for us and we broke up.. I did this, because I too had always felt like you do. and I just took advantage of the first person that came along who loved me. Why? because it was what I was searching for all my life. I never got that love and acceptance from my father, and I think that had a lot to do with it.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, instead of feeling so low about yourself, instead of feeling like no one wants you, and its all your fault(because that's NOT true) Use it to your advantage! Change your perspective on it.. it will make you a stronger, independent women in the long run. and trust me, in the end you will thank yourself. :)

  • You have to love yourself before anyone can love you. I know how you feel though.I'm not looking for love but sometimes I do feel inferior. I always think that the only thing I have going for me is my looks. I often think I have an awful personality. So your not alone. The best advice I can give is to become an actress and fake your confidence.

  • Giiiiiiiirl,ur words are like about me!

    U are not alone,belive me,im sure it's just ur insecurity,im sure there are guys who like you as you r,beautiful,smart,cute,kind,coz I'm sure you are! Don't look for a reason.Im tired of looking for reasons ,im just living my life,and I'm trying to accept who I would be my advice,change things you want and can,and love what you already have!

  • I want to hug you! I felt the same way throughout my teen years. For me, I just "grew out of it".

    But, part of that could have been having a major confidence boost after breaking up with my terribly boyfriend of 2 years and then met my current one, now fiance' :).

    It could also be that you are dating people you think you "deserve", who may be less than worthy.

    being yourself is awesome, and one day soon, you will feel comfortable enough to show your awesome self.

  • Dont worry lovely you will find someone to love you. I am the same way. Don't be too available for a guy tho, be mysterious. if he really likes you he will want you around and he will call you for a day don't talk to a guy that is interested in you and see if he notices. it might drive him closer to you..Dont be to scared to talk to a guy about your feelings. Some like it actually. I asked the guy I am kinda seeing while I was in his arms laying in his bed watching a movie if he liked me turns out he did I was at his house for a week then didn't talk to him for a week and we talk all the time now... give it time guys are strange just remember that.. if you have any questions I'm here oki3

  • I know how you feel cos you sound just like I do. I have days where I feel so insecure, but I feel the best way to overcome this is to FAKE the confidence even if you do not feel it. Looking good makes me feel good about my self, so you should ensure you dress well for YOU and treat yourself do your hair etc and try and better yourself. Even if it's something small like passing your driving test. I felt so good when I passed mine. Do little things to show YOURSELF love and like yourself and you will get more confident and that will shine through and you will meet a good guy. But you have to love you, I struggle with this but I try. Always try and smile this helps attract people, try to be happy. Hope this helps.

  • I feel the same way as you. The more I realize that other people feel this way.. the more I realize I just need to always be myself. We need to have faith that out there, somewhere we will find someone that loves us… who knows when it will happen. But look I'd rather have something real and unconditional, knowing that I was always true to myself, then something fake and forced like the people I see around me. I've been so envious of the "love" I see others around me having.. but also critical of it. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing but I've learned a lot from it. I get lonely sometimes too.. but deep down I just have to remind myself that I do have the capacity to love someone and that I am deserving of the same kind of love I give out.