Are "we" just friends?

[Anonymous]

Ok there's a guy I really like...I think I love him. We are old high school friends who reconnected and we've been consistently talking for a year now. We are separated by distance but we talk everyday for at least an hour, some days hours.

Right now though, it feels like we are more than "just friends" because the way we talk is a little more than friends (well at least in my book) e.g sexting, he tells me how much he loves me and doesn't like it when we don't talk etc.

What's confusing to me is that even though he says all these wonderful things to me. We somehow say we are "friends" I go with it because that's what he says. We both talk about our love lives to each other more recently (last 3months) he has been seeing/ interested in seeing these two girls (one is an ex the other a new girl). This makes me jealous but I don't want to seem like I care or am jealous (since he doesnt).

I have signalled to him that I'm interested in a relationship with him but he hasn't jumped on it. At the end of the day I feel like I'm gonna get hurt because my heart is getting attached. Right now if he's to tell me that he met someone, I have no choice but to be happy for him because "we" are just friends. I don't want to stop talking to him because I do like him to at the very least remain my friend but at the same time I don't want to be in this situation any longer because its confusing.

How can I resolve this? How do I bring it up? Should I even bring it up or should I make changes on my own without communicating them to him e.g communicate with him less and draw boundaries etc?

[Anonymous]

I think the distance is what makes it hard. I think that may be why he isn't jumping at the opportunity to be anything more than just friends. Obviously he has some interest in you if you two communicate as much as you do and in that nature. But when two people are far away from each other, what can you do? You become more of a distraction for each other, until someone who is near you comes along. That's probably why the change in talking about your love lives. Yes, you can potentially get hurt if you continue to see it as something more. I would cut down the talk time and set those boundaries.

I'm in a very similar, but different situation. The guy and I had been friends for a long time. We had actually hooked up a long time ago when we first met. It was a very brief thing. We reconnected and became friends. He eventually moved away. We barely stayed in touch, until I broke up with my boyfriend. Once he knew I was single, he started texting me a lot. It started becoming like what you described above and I went along with it until one day he admitted he had a crush on me. We couldn't be together because we live far apart and we're both too busy to make anything happen. He also has a girlfriend now that he lives with. We still talk too often, and he sometimes says things and does things to make me think he still likes me. He shows genuine care and concern for me. I've asked about the girlfriend and he doesn't like talking to me about that. That's the one aspect of his life we don't talk about. I had to talk to him seriously about this though because every once in a while, we cross the line a bit. All I got out of him was that he's confused and that he likes having me as a friend and doesn't want to lose me. I just see him as my distraction now, but I have been dating and all, so I'm not reading more into this than I should. I think we stay in touch in hopes that at some point things will change, but so far, we've both made sure to set some boundaries and just be "friends."

[Asker]

Thanks for responding to my question.

I'm definately going to follow your advice and cut down on talk time and set more boundaries. It's really difficult though because I have set those boundaries time and time again and lasts for a while (like a week lol) then he tells me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me (so just like your situation). I need to create those boundaries and stick to them because you're right...we live too far away from each other and that matters. Thanks!

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, there always comes that point when I say, enough! I'm not talking to him anymore, that's it! And then a week or two later, one of us breaks. Lol... But it does help though because it reminds you that it's not something real to set your hopes on... It happens with us so often that I know the pattern already. We talk for days straight, then one of us let's go... then a week or two later, we're back at it... It gets annoying at times, but oh well... what can you do?

[random255]

You two might be great for each other. You might be bad. But you'll not -truly- get to know so long as their is a distance between you. So when you say you might love him, understand that what you probably feel is an intense yearning to bridge that gap, grab ahold of him and kiss him firmly on the lips. But it isn't love, in all likelihood.

You've signalled interest in a relationship, but he's not done much with that signal. Indeed, there is not much to do. Even if he "jumped" on your offer, what could you guys do differently? You still live far apart. The only change I can see is that he'd stop chasing after other girls in his local area, and you'd feel less jealous.

Of course, that just leads to the two of you becoming isolated and lonely. If you become an exclusive couple, yet you never see each other, then you're really just two single people who don't look for someone to date. You'll both miss great opportunities.

Give everything some thought, form your own conclusion. I hope that my tid-bits have helped.

[mbounds]

who do you love more? yourself or him? I'm a guy I see what's going on here. Stand up for yourself!, say take it or leave it. Your easily controlled by him now, because he knows he has you. If he knows you'll always be around the corner waiting, why not have some other girls on the side.. When your gone, hell be like ... ooops I didn't want to see her walk away and will think and think and think or he won't give a poop and say nothing.. If the second is the case then you know, he just likes having his options and if I was you. I'd move on..

[MadHatterni]

Changes on your own would work partly on you. I would suggest that you talk it out with him and if distance is a big issue try to make it work. Then again you have a great relationship now despite you want more. Its always a hard choice but go with your heart and be happy. If he's a great friend he'll understand and try to work it out. =)