Am I just a hookup or does he want something more?

2 weeks ago I hooked up with a guy I've been interested in for a while. All we did the first time was makeout. This past Saturday we hooked up again and ended up back in his room. Needless to say, more than making out went on. However, afterwards, he says, "Don't you think we should talk about this? What do you want from this?" I told him I'm not really sure, and he added, "Okay, because I don't want a relationship right now." (I think it might be because his last girlfriend had a mental breakdown at the end of the semester and freaked out on him.)

I'm confused if I'm just a hookup to him or not. After we were done, he held me for the longest time and we just kissed and made out for literally two hours. He was very into it, he put his hands all over me and wrapped his leg around mine. We talked a lot and he says he wants to get to know me. He talked about what he wants to do with his life, his major passions in life, his family, etc. He also mentioned he got extremely jealous when he saw me dancing with one of his friends earlier that night.

When we started to get tired, I asked him if I should go and he replied, "No, please, I'd love for you to stay.. we can sleep together." I had my head on his chest and he had his arm around me. At one point I moved and he woke up, kissed the top of my head, and said, "You're sweet."

Another time that night we were sleeping in the spooning position and every time we'd move like that he'd put his hand on my side or he'd hold my hand and kiss my neck gently before going back to sleep. I just don't see how he can treat me like that but only want a hookup.

He was gentle, sweet, passionate, and never forced anything on me. Before we got too far into things, he stopped, looked me in the eyes and asked if I was sure about what I wanted to do. There was no pressure or rushed feelings between the two of us. I never felt like he was begging for anything or making me do something I wasn't comfortable with.

Any advice? I truly like him and would love to have/know there's something more than just this hook up with him! I told myself I wouldn't get attached to a guy I'd hooked up wtih, but the way he acted made me completely reconsider my feelings and now I can't help but feel something for him.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Sounds to me like right now he was pretty black and white, right now he just want's friends with benefits ;). Although the cuddeling and stuff means he might want more eventually if you stick with it, and him and show him your not gonna be that girl and freak on him and run away. Although it could mean, that he just wants to be a very close friend, have somebody there for him too, a shoulder a friend, some sex from time to time, and to hangout and have fun, but doesn't want to enter a realationship, because he's afraid of the rejection kinda sorta or what I mean is of breaking up. He doesn't wana ruin what he has, he's just thankfull he has what he does with you, and he's greatfull. He just wanted to know what you wanted, and be straight with you from the git go on his want's and needs so you didn't Expect anything more perhaps. Or because you said your not sure. He became unsure. No man wants to be with a "girl" that is unsure of herself and what she wants that's a ticking time bomb. Atleast from expecience as a guy that's what I've learned and why I get the deer in the headlamp look and get scared away when ever a girl says those words to me. So you know him best look him and apply what I've given you here and see for yourself which it is, in time you'll know which of the things I've told you it is. He'll make it clear in his actions in black and white which it is.



What Guys Said 5

  • I think he's quite confused. If you were just a hookup, the talk about life and passion and family--unnecessary, misleading, and a bad idea. If you weren't, he could have kept the "I don't want a relationship" chatter to himself--unnecessary, misleading, and a bad idea.

    Get some clarity. It's unfair of him to expect you to life in this grey area indefinitely.

  • Give him time. See him off and on (not too frequently) and allow it to build up. You will soon know.

  • He might have just wanted to enjoy the moment. He might have thought the sex wasn't as great as he imagined it though he likes the other things. Perhaps he let his other brain do the talking and allowed intimacy but realize that he doesn't have the time to invest in a relationship. But you are young and perhaps he is too and doesn't know what he wants.

  • dont be a little girl..


What Girls Said 7

  • Just let him know how you feel. Tell him that you are confused as well because it seems he is too. He obviously likes and cares about you. But he may be afraid to get hurt again.

    so suggest that you two can date with no serious commitment for now. See how it works out. Just be open with him and remember to point out all the great things you two share and that it only seems natural to date. Don't confront him just be positive with him and honest. I know its not easy but it takes the pressure away from forcing him to commit to a relationship.

    Let him know that NOT ALL RELATIONSHIPS are the same and that you two already share a great bond.

    express your thoughts positively and maturely and he will appreciate your honesty.


  • I would say considering his past relationship, he is a little wary to jump in. And from the sounds of it, he is into. But don't push it, just let it be what it is for now, give him time to feel comfortable with it. I had a similar situation with one of my past boyfriends. When we started dating he didn't want a relationship, we just took it slow, hung out and whatever, eventually we made it official. Just be patient with him, don't get clingy or start acting like your already dating, he's a little broken right now, be patient and help him mend. I think the biggest problem girls in this situation encounter is when they try to jump in too quickly, they try to be his girlfriend and they give their hearts away, when he's just not ready yet.

  • I was in this situation before my advice stick around he may say he doesn't want a relationship right now but if he acting like that who needs a relationship.because my ex was the same way well he didn't tell me he didn't want a relationship he actually wanted one but anyways he acted the same way and we were together for 5 dnt think that your just a hook up

    Dnt act different towards him just be normal because all this is true he likes you give him time.

    like I said you dnt have to be in a relationship as long as he treats you good why put a label on what you have

    • I like that last thing you said. There is no need for a label. It's only there for everyone else. The title changes nothing between you and him. It may make you feel better because then its an "open relationship" but if he likes you... the open is closed. Trust me. I was in an open relationship but I never saw anyone else because I liked him. We never had the title either...ppl say its FWB or f***buddies but seriously you know.

    • Show All
    • How long ago was this hook up and was that the only time you spoke to him since

    • The hookup was on Saturday and I spoke to him yesterday.

  • I was in a pretty similar situation not too long ago and the guy ended it when I was starting to be around too much and act like when we were already going out when he didn't want a relationship - at least with me - cause of his past experiences but just the making out and friendship with me. So hate to say this but it might just be hooking up and a friendship so don't expect a real dating relationship with him at least any time soon. Try not to get too attached or have high expectations because if you do you'll probably get your heart broken like I did :(

    • Yeah! That's exactly what I'm so worried about--I don't want to find out he just doesn't want a relationship with me, but if another girl comes around he'll settle down. I don't think I could handle that. :/

    • Okay. And I'm not suggesting that he'll settle down with another attractive girl as soon as one comes around but that he has a fear of commitment and doesn't want a girlfriend at all right now. That I know of my guy isn't even interested in another girl though it's been a little over a month since we ended.

  • Personally, I don't think his actions means anything because I've experience this before. The guy was so sweet and gentle, but doesn't want anything more. Basically he was looking for a good time. Which was fine. I would take his word for it. If he wants more, he'll have to tell you straight up. You don't want to wait around and wonder because he was nice to you. Guys can be nice, but when they say they don't want a relationship, they don't want one. There's no point of waiting for them to come around.

    • I completely agree. That's how it went down between the two of us, we talked and it turns out that he doesn't want anything more. It's really frustrating because he definitely said that he wants to get to know me, but now he just wants to be friends. He says it's going to take a while for the "awkwardness to go away." Whatever, he's missing out haha.

  • Just be honest with him and tell him you would love to be friends and if he wants to talk and get to know you as a person you are open to it, but let him know you cannot have sex with him because it is too intimate and personal for you and would prefer to have sex only in a relationship. He will either backtrack real fast out of your life because the only thing he was interested in was sex and not you or he will really respect you for the awesome person you are and try to pursue you on a personal level minus the sex. Either way you win. You have to realize some guys will talk personal things with girls because it is easy, we listen, but it does not mean he is not using you for sex at the same time and is only fulfilling his own needs... someone who will listen when he needs to get a load off and someone to have sex with when he wants to get a load off, but he already said to you he is not ready to have a relationship and I believe he meant that. If he changes his mind, he will realize you are a quality person who is worthy of pursuing because you are not a push over or someone to be used. We really need to go back to the days when girls allowed themselves to be pursued rather than be the pursuer. Guys are having a hayday with all that booty out there and believe me they know which buttons to push to keep girls coming back... that good old hope of a meaningful relationship.

  • dude this happened to me too.

    just be careful.

    i just felt it was a hookup from the get go but I got carried away.

    i got hopeful. I knew I was in over my head.

    i finally admitted to myself that it really was and my heart was totally shattered.

    so this is a little cliche...but trust your gut.