Why don't guys pick up on the subtle hints?

[Anonymous]

If a girl is shy, or just not really good at expressing her interest do you give up on her. I don't understand why guys can't "read" me. I "open" up more and become more talkative, but then they go off with someone else. I don't know why if a guy is truly interested in you what makes him from not doing anything and taking the easy (flirty) girl that is obsessed with him. Do guys not like girls like me? I am a very friendly, nice looking ( not bragging), and funny person. I may not be in the beginning, but I do open up. It seems like as soon as I try opening up more, nothing happens so I close off and ignore the person that I like. Why can't guys pick up on the hints, or make a move? What am I doing wrong, I am no good at relationships, since I have never had one. ADVICE?:(

[sammy1988]

When you are too shy and self-conscious, you are always thinking and thus impeding the natural flow of conversation, that should not be a means to an end- it should rather be like a rolling gumball, rolling down an alley and picking up extra pieces of gum and becoming bigger. That means you should go with the flow of the convo and expand on things your partner says. Dating is the game we play to learn about our future partner's personality. By being too shy, you come off disinterested and thus are closing off your partner's chances of getting to know you.

I used to be pretty shy, for a guy, but I opened up once I hit college and stopped caring what others though about me. This problem you have now is not just a dating problem, but a much bigger, internal issue, possibly a personality conflict. Are you ashamed of yourself, or do you think you are not good enough, or somehow hold other people in a higher regard? Do you seperate yourself from the "normal" people and strive to be one of them? When you do this you become self-conscious. Eventually, you become so self-absorbed, you only hear 50% of what the other side is saying, and the other half of the time, you are having conflicting thoughts in your head about how they may/may not percieve you. Embrace yourself. Tell yourself you are beautiful, the proof is there, you have men approaching you, and men don't approach ugly girls (hence why there are many single men). You need to learn to stop caring and to just seize the day. When you do, you are laying a foundation for what is to become your identity throughout life.

Remember one thing dear, no one has the same level of patience. Back to my example. The girl I dated probably liked me even after she said no, as I could have imagined nothing I did wrong and I have social and sexual proof as other girls at college like and want me too! But she backed out because she couldn't handle it. She saw her mistake and tried to come back, but it was late, as I took the seeming rejection. While it may take her and you some time to open up, it takes me and many others a few smiles, some exchanged words or jokes to open up. A famous Persian poet (Rumi, I suggest you read his poems, they are very helpful in this area) once said "To seek love is to break down all barriers you have built against it". I see you struggling in this same area.

You can always salvage the situation if you still like the guy, guys are usually more forgiving than women because of their forwardness and things like "it may be awkward, I don't want to look dumb, etc" don't come up in our thoughts. You can just go up to one of your old flames and show interest in them. Talk to them, start a convo. Be sure you do it. This display of interest will surprise them because I'm sure they are used to trying to initiate conversation with you about 90% of the time.

Good luck, you are just a chick spreading her wings and jumping out of the nest for the first time.

[Asker]

Beautifully written. Thank you for your answer, it gave me a little confidence in myself.

[LAWolfe]

Always remember this too, it helped me out a lot. If you have something about your body that YOU think is a flaw & everyone else sees it. Keep in mind that they aren't seeing yours because they are too concerned about their own flaws that they are self conscious about. In high school I never had guys notice me except my few male friends. My female friends ran few and far between. People wanted nothing to do with me. I never could figure out why. Turns out I was voted most spastic in my senior year. Not even a quality I knew I had. Although, the most successful girl got strep throat when she was pregnant and ended dying. So not everyone is always correct either. The fact of the matter is this, Someday, you are going to find The Guy that will be there for you beyond measure. You may think you have found him more than once, but the man you will end up will compliment who you are entirely. You'll never know love like that. I found someone that loves me & permanently, regardless.

[LAWolfe]

I put my last message on here for all to see. I realize that this post was very old but, lots of girls wonder why guys don't pick up on hints. The fact of the matter is, males are way more simple than women. Smile, wink and wave. They just want a sign that you are interested. Rejection is difficult, if you are shy and aren't rejecting them, they don't know it. They aren't in our heads. Unfortunately, only we are. We psych ourselves out in our minds and think others are in there. Men don't realize how much we think and about what. We need to give them a little break. Sometimes the best men are the ones that stick around the longest and we don't even see them. If a man devotes a lot of time around you & doesn't come on to you, it's a possibility that he may be afraid of rejection. Hoping one day you'll notice him in the way he is crazy about you. A man will go out of his way for a friend, but if it seems like it is above and beyond what a friend would do, think, why. Good luck ladies.

[sammy1988]

Well guys in general are more open and forward where women are more inclined to dropping hints and showing intentions through clandestine ways.Well look dear, you seem to be the victim of miscommunication. I can attest that a large number of society's, even my, failures with certain girls are because of miscommunication. Often times, as you mentioned, the girl likes the guy. She will come off as icy cold, and the guy (guys have been used to rejection more than women cause they put themselves out more and thus get rejected more), takes this coldness as general disinterest and thus, rejection. He will pull out before facing the dreaded four words, let's just be friends.

This lends itself to a nice story of my own recent experience. There was this girl I liked a tad bit. She liked me too, maybe even more than I did her. From the looks she'd give me, the way she'd talk about me to her friends, and the way others would tell me whenever she came to our dorm (somehow, though I never mentioned it, her closest male friends would know of us liking each other and they'd say "hey man, your girls here"...) it was a dead giveaway she liked me. So I asked her out and we went out. The date went well. Afterwards, she said she didn't want to date me and never gave a clear reason. But she keeps trying to open up to me and one night I got with another girl at a party and she got angry and sat in a corner. I had experienced when girls did reject me but liked me a lot and they turned around soon after, but I assumed it wasn't happening with this chick, and I'll tell you why- during our interactions before the date, she seemed very disinterested.

Initially, she couldn't even hold a conversation. Even afterwards and during the date, whatever she said seemed she went through a lot of analyzing and processing before saying it, and it sounded forced and shy at the same time. I knew she was a shy girl, but her shyness came off to me as rudeness, because it was a very self-conscious and rigid shyness. Once we had lunch with some friends and she completely ignored when I tried to talk to her and talked to others. I took offense to that and decided this girl was too much for me. So when the date came around, I didn't see her as more than an opportunity to learn about the fairer sex. She surprised me as she was pretty considerate and compassionate on the date compared to most girls I've dated. She actually gave the date her all, which is what made it good. But in the end, things didn't work out because she came off as disinterested before and after the date. At the party a couple weeks later, she ran up to me and poked me, tried to say hi, but I blew her off before a running conversation started. This is because in an interaction it's highly important not to put up roadblocks (like you are doing) because it makes things awkward in the future.

[Asker]

So sad, but true. I probably put up "roadblocks" even though I am interested. But it seems like as soon as I let loose a little, I tend to make a fool of myself (or so I think) then I just ignore the person because I think I was too open. I think that they didn't really want to get to know me.

[sammy1988]

Well, why don't you tell me in depth what is bugging you? In particular, the situation at hand that caused you to write this. Everyone's got a match situation that blows the powder keg, it's not after one mess-up that you seek help. Usually it's after a few. So, if you mind sharing with us, we might offer better input.

[Asker]

There have been many occasions that I think I missed a chance. At least 2 or 3 chances I think. In highschool, I liked this guy, showed him interest, but I didn't think I was good enough and thought he liked this other girl. So I ignored him. Then there was another guy that I liked, showed some hints, he didn't act, I thought he liked this other girl, so I gave up on him and started to ignore him as well. And it goes on and on. I open up some, then close off because they don't act.

[sammy1988]

Ok, first you need to stop closing off and ignoring them because of your own actions. Recognize that the burden of fault here is on you, as you gave the guy what he determined to be as signs of disinterest. By closing them off, you are locking the chance up and throwing away the key, only to repeat the process again in the future. Unlearn that type of behavior, not only is it socially awkward, it's mean to yourself.

[sammy1988]

Keep them as acquaintances. The world is full of people who would love to be your friend, so why should one mistake paint your future with them black? Who knows, maybe a week, maybe a year, maybe four years down the line you two may spark something again. People are in a constant state of growth, especially in our age (18-30). The person you are now will not be the same in the future. You don't recognize this now but you do have a chance with those guys but you are blocking it from blooming.

[dfg456]

That's kind of true, it's like starting to write a story but stopping and leaving the ending blank after writing 10 pages, nothing will happen if you treat yourself like that. You'll just continue to be alone unless you actually determine yourself and see something through to the end. Even if the end is the guy rejecting you, it's better than having that looming mystery of "what if". Anyway if he rejects you instantly, then there is something wrong with him and he's the one missing out.

[sammy1988]

One final thing. Don't read cosmo or other dating "advice" articles. These are written by 40 year old women, meant for 40 year old women. It's not in anyone's right mind to think that young college or high school boys will pick up and understand this vast collection of body language maneuvers and dating "techniques". People are upfront nowadays, to notice subtleties, one must be mature. With enough experience, they will pick up your subtleties. Can't expect a kid your age to pick that up.

[Asker]

Yeah, I can't even make guys as aquaintances.

[sammy1988]

Well the key there is to be open to all possibilities. Since you can't set another person's level of interest for you, it's important to adopt a "anything goes" policy and let them take the helm, but you cannot squirm and be unsure of yourself when you find yourself opening to them. Guys will naturally try to contact you, it's up to you to return the favor. As a first step, just say hi to them when they walk by, give them a nice smile or wave. That speaks a thousand words.

[Asker]

Thanks for your answer, I appeciate it.

[EasyEC]

Here's the deal. Guys and girls are both selfish. They both want to receive affection and generally care about themselves more than the other party (initially). The flirty girl gives the guy attention and affection. The shy girl doesn't give anything and, rather, needs the guy to give her attention and affection. Guys like smiles because it implies the girl can provide happiness. Guys like girls that laugh because they imply they can provide fun. If you want to be more attractive, cater to selfish human nature.

I notice hints from shy girls--eye contact, postural changes when she first notices me approaching from 20 feet away, dilated pupils, the direction her shoulders (or toes if her legs are crossed) are facing, the difference in her behavior when I'm nearby, etc. etc. That doesn't mean I have to like her. Although I'm attracted to a distinct personality more than the girl's confidence, I'm also attracted to confidence and will never learn about her personality if she doesn't at least have some (since we won't talk, much less go on a date).

My advice is to gain more confidence (through practice) and offer something of value (smiles, laughter, etc.) and also figure out something of value you want back (i.e. what you want out of a guy or relationship).

[Asker]

What if I do laugh and smile but they still do not make a move? If they don't do anything, I am not going to continue smiling and making eye contact if they don't make a move. I get the idea that they are interested, but if they don't act on it, I will start ignoring them. That is just me. I have no idea was I am doing wrong. I guess guys like the really loud and annoying girls. :(

[EasyEC]

When you start ignoring them, this is probably your hurt ego in feeling like they've rejected you. It will result in them losing attraction for you. Part of what attracts them is the fact that you give them some sort of positive attention.

You can provide them with an easier way to approach you (such as wearing commentable things). You can project to them you'll be less likely to reject them. You can also approach them to break the ice first.

[dfg456]

It's not that we don't completely pick up on hints, it's just that we do too late. I remember this one cute girl that was shy and quiet, I didn't pick up on her hints until the very end, but by then she had started ignoring me to the point of becoming a complete ghost to me. She stopped taking the same bus as me during the certain time of the week + day that I'd see her. So our chances of contact were zero. I still try to find her sometimes but I know that my chances are extremely low, she's still on my mind and other girls just don't seem to be that interesting, kind of like trying to find a lost treasure or some lost junk if you know what I mean.

Be patient is all I can say and more eye contact + smiling would help. I think some girl also said that you could "accidentally" bump (I mean physically hit) into the guy, say sorry, and hope that a conversation would start from that.

[Asker]

That is awful, but I understand what the girl is doing. I am doing the same thing. So have you not seen this girl then since the first time you saw her? How did you know that she did like you, even though it was too late by the time that you found out?

[dfg456]

Well its too late now, last saw her in November but I think I saw her when I worked sometime in December in the grocery store that I work at during the night. All I know about her is that we take the same shuttle bus home, she knows a lot more about me than I do about her.

Kind of thinking about her more, because this girl I was going after at school just got a boyfriend :\. I wasn't enough of a nerd to be with her, pathetic isn't it..

[Asker]

You weren't "nerd" enough? Are you sure it was not just because you didn't make a move missed the "hints" and some other guy just showed more interest? That is probably why she has a boyfriend, I don't think it is anything personal against you.

[dfg456]

Eh, I wasn't 100% interested in her, just an idea. I know her as a acquaintance right now. Liked her personality but didn't really like her too much physically. Would have still given her a chance tho.

[dfg456]

Got a question for you, how would you like a guy to approach you?

[Asker]

I would like it if a guy would just talk to me normally, just like a person. I would like to get to know the person like a friend first, then take it from there. Since I am slower at opening up to guys, I would have to meet a couple of times (just short visits) then as time goes on it will become easier for me to open up and be more comfortable with that person. I don't know if I would just go up to a girl and ask for their phone #, unless you are never going to see her again.

[JayKI]

because subtle hints are stupid. If you like someone then ask them out. I don't know why girls want guys to do all the work. If you like a guy just go up and say "hey wana go out and get pizza this friday night?" if the guy is still clueless then you can follow up with "and by pizza, I mean a date cause I think your cute". Well being blunt doesn't always work but sending hints like giggling and affectionate smiles is not enough...

You gotta do something to get the date. ...maybe try asking.

You can also try

"hey the new star trek movie is out. It looks cool. Want to go see it with me?"

"So what are you doing on Saturday. There a restuarant I want to go to. I hear its good. Wana go with me?"

Whatever you say, if you want him to go out with you. You need to be clear and upfront someone how.

[quantumdefender]

men are not hard-wired for "subtle" and we suck at reading minds.

women are the masters of subtle.

in an age where women can sue men, get em fired, or arrested, just because women think a guy says "hello" means a sexual advance, decent guys won't go near shy women.

if she is shy...or otherwise not interested, we leave.

if a woman is shy but interested...she had best "step up"

bottom line, women get away with a lotta shit...it makes national headlines on the rare case women "sexually harass" men

so I'll ask women, when you have the LAW on yer side, what are you afraid of besides rejection?

men gotta worry about rejection, handcuffs, permanant record, mace, unemployment, restraining order, public humilation, disowned by family, reputation, ...the list goes on, but you get the point...women should be asking men out.

[wendellfish]

guys communicate on a different wave length then females. Women will take in all forms of communication, verbal (spoken and unspoken) and body. men on the other hand, only deal with what is said or obvious. If you like someone TELL THEM. men DO NOT take hints well. You can tell them in any number of ways but make sure you make the intention obvious if you tend to be a quiet person, or you may run the risk of never getting the guy you want and settling for second best. that would be a shame.

[Asker]

I am definitely second best. It just happened the other day. I just don't know how to get out there. I think I am just waiting for them to make a move, not me. I don't think I will ever be able to ask a guy out. That is just me. And if he doesn't make a move, I start ignoring him. I know it is weird, but that is just me.

[JayKI]

Well if you can't ask a guy out then all you have is hope.......hope that they will ask you or you can stay single.......thats all it is.........i hope that didn't sound harsh.........i personally can't handle rejection........it would crush me but those are the onlyo ptions life will give you.he asks you or you ask him or single.so we gotta pick one girl.....sorry...

[Anonymous]

On women's subtle hint for interest is another woman's I'm just being friendly which is yet another women's "I'm not interested in you I'm just flirting for fun (and/or as a joke)"

[Killy]

Anything outside of talking or smiling goes straight away from my radar. Flashing not counted.