Ok, I'll try to make this as short as possible. I feel that my boyfriend (who I've been going out with for over 3 yrs) sees me as a weirdo.
Background: I grew up in a sh*thole in the middle of nowhere, and I had a good household environment, but I suffered severe bullying from age 6 to 17 at school and outside (constant name calling, total isolation, beatings, sexual harassment...). Basically, almost all the kids in my town made my life insufferable to the point that I considered suicide and became self conscious, scared and awkward, although I was naturally a very extroverted and sociable kid. When I grew up, I moved away to a nearby city and tried to get my act together; so far, so good, but I gotta say that I did develop a proper temper after so many years of abuse. Anyone reading this who has been bullied/abused knows the kind of emotional stigma it brings and that the person you become is determined by it to a certain extent. I didn't see a shrink but I now know I should've. But anyway...
So, a few months ago, me and my boyfriend went to my hometown to pay my parents a visit. It was this local celebration thing-y and everyone was drinking and listening to music inside a marquee. Me and boyfriend go inside too but I don't feel like dancing, I feel awkward around them (my abusers, who are all drunk and having fun) and I can't help it, so I tell him I want to leave. He then tells me that *my* thinking that I'm better than *them* (my former abusers) is extremely narcissistic, and compares me to a relative of mine who has NPD (narc. personality disorder) and who also happened to become my full time abuser for a whole year when I was 11.
Fast forward a few months. We're taking a walk and I admit to him (jokingly) that I'm bad tempered. He says very matter-of-factly that my problem is that I have socialization issues, that I'm very judgmental when I meet people. "Why is it then that you don't get along with ANYONE in your hometown? Because they're not good enough for you."
Both times, I felt like crawling under a rock. I hadn't had my self-confidence shattered into pieces like this in a long time. The person who is supposed to love me the most not only doesn't support me, he also makes me feel bad about myself because of events in the past that strained me emotionally and that I could not control.
It is true that, even though I can TOLERATE, I cannot for the life of me EMBRACE certain behavior s, like dishonesty, betrayal, higher-than-though-ishness, etc., and I frequently let him know when someone with those traits bothers me, because I feel I can rely on him, but it seems not.
I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive, or if I have not really explained to him the kinds of things they used to do to me (I don't feel comfortable going into details, even though I have told him that I was bullied) in a way that makes him more aware of my past, or maybe he's my next abuser, or maybe I'm really a monster inside a pretty body who should forever live like a loner?
Background: I grew up in a sh*thole in the middle of nowhere, and I had a good household environment, but I suffered severe bullying from age 6 to 17 at school and outside (constant name calling, total isolation, beatings, sexual harassment...). Basically, almost all the kids in my town made my life insufferable to the point that I considered suicide and became self conscious, scared and awkward, although I was naturally a very extroverted and sociable kid. When I grew up, I moved away to a nearby city and tried to get my act together; so far, so good, but I gotta say that I did develop a proper temper after so many years of abuse. Anyone reading this who has been bullied/abused knows the kind of emotional stigma it brings and that the person you become is determined by it to a certain extent. I didn't see a shrink but I now know I should've. But anyway...
So, a few months ago, me and my boyfriend went to my hometown to pay my parents a visit. It was this local celebration thing-y and everyone was drinking and listening to music inside a marquee. Me and boyfriend go inside too but I don't feel like dancing, I feel awkward around them (my abusers, who are all drunk and having fun) and I can't help it, so I tell him I want to leave. He then tells me that *my* thinking that I'm better than *them* (my former abusers) is extremely narcissistic, and compares me to a relative of mine who has NPD (narc. personality disorder) and who also happened to become my full time abuser for a whole year when I was 11.
Fast forward a few months. We're taking a walk and I admit to him (jokingly) that I'm bad tempered. He says very matter-of-factly that my problem is that I have socialization issues, that I'm very judgmental when I meet people. "Why is it then that you don't get along with ANYONE in your hometown? Because they're not good enough for you."
Both times, I felt like crawling under a rock. I hadn't had my self-confidence shattered into pieces like this in a long time. The person who is supposed to love me the most not only doesn't support me, he also makes me feel bad about myself because of events in the past that strained me emotionally and that I could not control.
It is true that, even though I can TOLERATE, I cannot for the life of me EMBRACE certain behavior s, like dishonesty, betrayal, higher-than-though-ishness, etc., and I frequently let him know when someone with those traits bothers me, because I feel I can rely on him, but it seems not.
I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive, or if I have not really explained to him the kinds of things they used to do to me (I don't feel comfortable going into details, even though I have told him that I was bullied) in a way that makes him more aware of my past, or maybe he's my next abuser, or maybe I'm really a monster inside a pretty body who should forever live like a loner?
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