My Battle With Depression, And Why I Won't Let It Win

[Anonymous]

Depression is a bummer.

And what some people don't realize is that depression can come in all shapes and sizes. For me it begins with inexplicable anger at myself that I take out on others. I shut myself away and literally live in my head. I don't even realize that I'm depressed until one day it hits me and I don't want to get out of bed to go to college or work. But I have to so I get up and get on with my day. But I'm exhausted all the time and close to tears over the tiniest things.

Then I go through phases of extreme happiness where I think I must have been overreacting or faking, but even as I think that I realize my happiness isn't real. I'm putting it on for the people around me.

I walk down the street and imagine just walking in front of a car. I purposely avoid talking to anyone or being in a crowd because then I start to get scared. I get panic attacks randomly, at work, college, karate, on a bus, in bed.

Then they are over and I feel weak and pathetic.

I keep powering through the days, weeks, months because I always have that hope that it will get better. I'll get over it. I won't be like this when I older. I'll be a confident beautiful girl who rules her little world. I live inside my head telling myself it will all be alright. I'm safe in bed surrounded by empty dishes, dirty clothes, chocolate wrappers and chocolate milk cartons.

Then when I finally stop thinking and start sleeping, it's such a relief. But I know that I'll have to wake up and fake my way through another day. That's when endless sleep sounds so inviting. When you haven't had a proper night's sleep for going on six months, you start to go a bit mad! Short temper, overly emotional and anti social.

And seeking help is one of the scariest things you do. I did and I don't know if it helped. By the end of my counselling sessions I was just lying to stop seeing her.

So once again I begin this endless cycle of hate and anger turning to despair and sadness then back to hate.

I still live in hope I'll learn to live with it because I'm not letting it hold me back. If I let it beat me.... If I stepped in front of that car or decided to go to sleep what would I have achieved? I would have missed out on so much and hurt so many people that love me and put up with my shit. I refuse to back down. I refuse to give up because that tiny bit of hope is still there forcing me to get up every morning and hold back the tears and get on with my little life.

[Anonymous]

So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

[Afrochick]

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[NedfromtheNed]

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[FashionQueen86]

Depression is no joke, and it's very hard to control. There was almost a time I thought I had to be checked into a hospital becuase I thought I was going to snap any moment. I was going through a terrible time of unemployment. I put out my cover letters and resumes everywhere and it seemed like nothing was working. I was watching my friends and classmates have these amazing job offers and nothing was going for me. Plus, I was having depression about things that happened in the past, which is odd becuase my life was normally pretty decent.

People you walk by or see everyday can smile, but you don't really know what they are gong through.

[Unit1]

I AM in that exact phase now :O :( It sucks!

[FashionQueen86]

@Unit1 It definitely sucks, and I can't say that enough. But We have to keep going becuase I know there has to be a point of relieve we'll eventually meet.

[Unit1]

I see no end to this stormy weather I am in now :(

[FashionQueen86]

@Unit1 Don't give up.

[Brokenheartedx]

I'll be honest with you.. I've had depression for so long, there's a root to it and can't get rid of it.. like many others sometimes think best off to end things now, but deep down don't want to die just want the sadness to stop. It is so hard to keep it together and people tell you to snap out of it, that's people who have no idea what it's like to be at the lowest of the happy scale. sometimes I get to neutral but never truly happy I aim to be very happy but it's 1 step forward and 4 back again. I don't think we can be fixed with meds because deep down it's still there just numbed out. What can fix depression? no one knows the doctors will just give pills over and say take them once a day sure you'll be asleep most of it but your out my hair.
The constant tearing up and the haplessness of it all.. anyone else get fed up with the quotes * life's what you make it?*
I've had 3 suicide attempts and a cutter as well,. im on my own mostly, I shut myself away for days on end. any criticism know matter how stupid it is is an attack on me..
I wish I could say oh life will get better.. but fact is people with depression are overlooked.. we just have to struggle on ourselves and that's what makes us different, we struggle we see the world better and we understand each other. i don't believe people are truly ever happy they just make do and pretend.. at least we don't have that problem

[JenSCDC]

Just because you've depression for a long time doesn't mean it can't be beaten. There are a tons of drugs nowadays; just because some haven't worked doesn't mean others can't. There's also non-drug treatments. The most well known of these is shock therapy, which is nothing like the reputation it's acquired. However, there are more- one is transcranial magnetic stimulation, and I've read about others.

Finally, if you think your psychiatrist just wants to get you out of his hair, get a new one. You need to be able to trust your shrink.

[sleetynine018]

I've been depressed for a while now, i think about everything future, never dated etc... I'm completely hopeless in life, but sometimes i have that "touch" of hope that fades away quickly...
I dont have a girlfriend, friends, dad, i just have my mom that sometimes helps me get through this but i dont like to look weak in front of her, so when i start to cry i go to my room/bathroom.
I have suicidal thoughts everyday... But i think twice and i remember: What if, one day things will be better? My dreams came true?
It's hard but i try to do my best to get through it, every and each day.

[Gommers]

Depression always wins in the end. I'm forced to burn myself and have scars all the way up and down my arms and over my chest from the burns I've had to inflict on myself to be able to stop the emptiness and have something real to focus on.

Either start taking medication in high doses now or you're going to start self mutilating.

[JenSCDC]

No, depression does not always win- it can be beaten.

[Gommers]

@JenSCDC

If you can beat depression, it was never depression in the first place.

[JenSCDC]

You know that's not true- don't let yourself give up.

[Gommers]

@JenSCDC I know it is. Fighting a lifelong battle that you'll never win is pure arrogance.

[JenSCDC]

No, it's not arrogance- it's toughness.

[Gommers]

@JenSCDC That's a load of shit. You've clearly never dealt with depression.

[JenSCDC]

Not pure depression, but bipolar depression. Bipolar depression severe enough that I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for shock therapy.

[Unit1]

Can you analyze the cause of your depression?

For me it's long term unemployment, constant poverty, constant unfulfilled wishes and something really weird going on.

I'm battling it too but I don't see a way out of it. I'm trying to get counseling soon.

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrGHJIblXCs

Community

[Anonymous]

Your not alone and you will eventually start having more good days than bad maybe look at meds as with a little research new & existing types are avaliable and maybe more suitable for you!

[Library]

I know it's a difficult battle. I feel weak when I ask for help.

[TylerKuykendall]

Why would you feel that way? When you get it, you won't need it anymore.

[JenSCDC]

Keep on reminding yourself that depression is a disease, not a weakness. Never be ashamed that you have it.

[Waffles731]

I've been having a hard time with mine lately but I feel okay today, a little happy even.

[Alex88F]

been there done that
stay strong and you'll win over that horrible sickness