Yes, I've been numb for the better part of the last 13 years. It started in my early teens when I fell into a deep depression. Eventually my parents dragged me out to a shrink who put me on Prozac and I've been numb ever since. I quit Prozac a long, long time ago but the numbness stuck around.
It's not that I have no emotions. It's that I can't experience them in some way. I've become separated from my emotions some how but you can tell they still exist sometimes because you get clues. For example when I have an important exam coming up I don't feel nervous but I can never sleep the night before even though I'm not even thinking about it. Or when I'm watching a big sports game I don't feel excited or nervous but I notice my heart rate goes up. The emotions are there because my body responds to them but I can't "feel" them if that makes sense.
On one hand I guess you can't completely blame the drugs but I have been on a litany of antidepressants since that time and they definitely make it worse. Serotonergic antidepressants like the SSRIs and tricyclics in particular tend to deaden the emotions. Despite the name, antidepressants do not relieve depression. They're emotional anaesthetics. They're like Novocaine for the soul.
Another way of looking at emotional numbness is as a state of dissociation. When mental pain becomes unbearable the mind splits off the offending part (the part that causes it to feel pain) and seals it off so it can function. According to most materials I've read this is usually associated with severe trauma like rape, molestation or war but I think that's too narrow. Maybe your father's suicide was so overwhelming that your mind just took an extended vacation.
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I don't know if it's that I don't feel the emotions, or if it's that it's so traumatic I don't allow myself to feel them.
I feel emotionally numb all the time. I totally understand.
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I used to have depression. I still feel emotionally numb, but I think that part is an unfortunate personality trait, opposed to residuals left after recovery.
Nope, If i'm consumed with dark emotions then I embrace it. There's no escape from my emotions...
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