Still a teenager, is everything I'm experiencing just a phase?

[AnimeEyes]

I won't say how old exactly, but I'm a teen and because of something that happened in my early-teens I became the way I am now.
I've been suicidal, I cut, I make jokes about sexual behavior to cover how it really affects me, I have major mood swings that it's scary for even me, and I'm known for being a happy person because I can't show my depression in front of others -no, I'm incapable of showing my feelings. I break down in tears when I try and because I hate when I cry, I cut.
I take antidepressants, small dosages of codeine (I get major migraines) and the usual pill (not cause of migraines). I'm not sexually active. I have been forced to take anti-depressants because I'd have these 'attacks' (hyperventilating, increase heartbeat, sweating, urge to yell, scream and just die) where I go into a self-harming frenzy just to calm myself, but by then, my arms so cut up skin peels (sorry for the description)
I don't do counseling because I'm afraid of them since they play a major part of making me how I am.
When I first started few years ago, I had suicidal thoughts but never act upon them and I didn't cut (I don't cut for the pain, it's an escape, like those things-->). I use to draw, write, read, anything to take my mind away from my thoughts, but all of that became useless. It just got worse. I'm don't know if I'm bipolar, but I'm not safe. I can be happy with my mum laughing while watching movies one minute, next minute when I'm alone I have a minor or major attack and cut to calm down (the pills don't always help).
What can I do. I hate causing my family problems, what can I do?

[Nathalyy]

All this anti depressants you take can actually get to a point where you're really going to kill yourself, don't take them they do the opposite effect read the side effects of anything before taking them, go out write, read something that interest you, I'm here to listen to you but don't hurt yourself. Life is beautiful depending on which angle you're looking from.

[AnimeEyes]

Thank you. I've only been on antidepressants for about a week. They've helped but I'll take that advice into consideration. My cutting is more of the... "In the moment" kind of thing. It's the fastest, easiest way to stop from crying, shaking, hyperventilating etc. It's gotten so bad the past few months, that I can't even just pick up a book to read or pen to write with, without doing something worse than self-harming.
Life IS beautiful, I wish my mental self could stop to realize that.

[Nathalyy]

You're on time to stop taking them, i know I have no right to tell you what to do but you can be my little sister and I went to this place in Hollywood and discover so many things of antidepressants and all this pills for people that need help. You're your only solution. Cutting yourself we both know that's no solution but dangerous because you don't know how many bacteria's you're allowing into your body. I don't know what worries you but we all been there, I remember when I was 12 or 13 I used to think I was adopted and for what I remember to me it was terrible because I thought my parents didn't love me as much, had suicidal thoughts actually grabbed all this bottles of pills but then snapped out of it (Thank god) because now I go back to that time and im just like damn how stupid I was because everyday is a new beginning to whatever you want to accomplish. Be someone people will remember for something good you did not for a tragedy. Keep that in mind we are all here for a reason

[Nathalyy]

And killing yourself ain't one!

[AnimeEyes]

I don't know how to express how grateful I am, but thank you so much :) ... Sometimes all I need is a little kick into reality. It helps me realize this is only the start of my life, I have so much to look forward to. I just hope I'm in no way overreacting to what had made me this way, and hopefully it won't effect me in anyway when I'm much older, I wish that I'll just always have someone like you, someone who kind of just pushes me back to my sane thoughts. So in the future I can look back and think "Thank god, I didn't"
I just needed to bring this up since you just reminded me about this, but I've set a life checkpoint for myself. I used this site where you can send an email to your future self, you can set the date and all. I set it for my 18th birthday when I was only 12 years old. I'm nearly there. :) (It sounds silly, but it's one thing I've been looking forward to for a really long time now.)
Sorry, I've been dragging on, but I just want to thank you so much. :)

[smokahontas]

Whether you're a teenager or an adult, you will always go through phases. It's a part of life. So yes, you're going through a phase. I suggest you stay off any kind of medication, it just makes things worse. One of your medications can trigger you into becoming depressed. We all go through mood swings. It's a little thing called... Hormones.

[AnimeEyes]

Yeah, doctor had said the same thing.
It's a phase, that I'll hopefully make it out of.
About the no medication thing. That's an absolute no can do. I can stop taking the pill, but I can't stop taking my meds for my migraines or else I can't even make it out of the house without vomiting, fainting or in major pain that I have to lay down in the dark.
How long do phases usually last for?

[smokahontas]

I can't give you an answer on how long they last. It's different for everybody.

[wonderhappytime]

I'm sorry you are experiencing these mental issues. I'm not a psychologist, but a student nurse. If you would like, we could talk about what you're feelings either here in public or message me. you might feel better.

[AnimeEyes]

Thank you, I'd rather do it here (since you're anonymous and all) but I don't mind either way.
That indeed would make me feel better. I wouldn't know where to start though.

[wonderhappytime]

I'm not anonymous. Not anymore. You're free to tell me as much as you likee, in any order, at any time.

[AnimeEyes]

Well, I guess I would have to start with the hardest thing to talk about, but I guess the most important thing since everything's kind of linked to that incident.
How much detail? I don't want to bore you.

[wonderhappytime]

Lol I'm fine :) start with whatever your comfortae with sharing.

[AnimeEyes]

Well... ergh, kind of hard since your male. (sorry)
But I was about 11 or 12 when I was sexually harassed (I won't go into the unpleasant details) in the middle of class by what you'd call "the bad boy". Teacher wasn't in so they didn't know, but I was in so much shock I kind of just.. froze so I didn't tell anyone since I was so humiliated. I had told my parents the gist of it when I didn't want to go back to school. When they found it they called the school and I had to basically sit in a room with the principle and DP principle explaining EXACTLY what he did to me. I cried and shook the whole way through, but I didn't miss how unconvinced they were. All they ended up doing was moving him to a different class. My parents were angry when I told them, but I told them I was fine. I didn't move schools since it was they guys last year and my parents would find it weird. Things got worse from there though.. :P sorry that was long.

[AnimeEyes]

Sorry about my grammar, kind of shaky writing this.

[wonderhappytime]

1000 characters is not long. I've types essays of personal information and they didn't complain. This is nothing. I'm sorry i had you bring up this topic. You are not at fault. Sexual harrassment is wrong on every level. You have every right to feel the way you do. However I think these matters need to be discussed with your parents. You say u don't want to bother them, that is very kind. However, it wasn't your fault to begin with, and I'm sure your parents would not find you a hassle. If u tell your parents, they can make u feel better and help you through the rough times. I'm sure they are loving parents who want to protect you and they won't think of it as if you now owe themm

[wonderhappytime]

If I may ask, when you say suicide, can u explain that a bit for me? What kind of thought do u have about suicide?

[AnimeEyes]

Thank you and I understand that the right thing to do is tell them, but that's one of the hardest things to do. It happened almost, 6 years ago and I don't know, I guess because of my behavior in the past few months, I've been quite distant with my parents since things have been changing in the family. I'm not the only one in the family that's been having issues. I really don't want to bring my problems up while there;s already so much going on already, but I promise I will tell them eventually.

[wonderhappytime]

I see. I understand that the timing may not be the best, but they love you and protect you. Please talk to them about this as soon as possible. Do not keep these emotions bottled up. They are not healthy to harbor. Schools have guidance counselors and there is a national suicide hotline. Even if your parents are not available, there are other places you can go to vent your emotions. You are not alone and I want you to always remember that. Okay?

[AnimeEyes]

Thank you so much. I guess bottling up my feelings really has been messing with me, maybe then I can get some proper help once everything is out there. I'll just take things one step at a time, but I'll get better.
Once again, thank you. I feel better actually telling someone, thank you so much for taking your time and listening. :)

[GiveMeABreakPlz]

Goodness, you are FUCKED UP lol. I think you need some hugs. I would give you one but all I can do right now is *GIVES BIG E-HUG*

[AnimeEyes]

Haha, that straight up answer made me laugh. I don't like sugar-coating things so I don't expect it back. Though I accept your E-hug. *E-HUGS BACK*

[billiejo]

I have cut for 5 years since my mum died and im covered in scars
the mood swings are part of being a teenager but cutting is a serious problem and I thought and tried suicide may times im on sertraline which is an anti depression pill
please don't try to kill ur self even though I don't know u I care you will be ok

[AnimeEyes]

Thank you so much,
I feel bad, I've never lost someone so important to me, but my reasons are completely different, something I find really hard to talk about. I also feel bad, no matter, how hard or deep I cut, I don't scar. Reasons why people want me to stop is because I have a bleeding problem. I first realized was when I'd done 5 semi-long shallow cuts on my wrists. I couldn't stop bleeding, that I'd lost most feeling in my hand and I'd gone pale. I was literally bleeding out. I was rushed to hospital and I realized I had hemophilia or something like that.

[billiejo]

I have done the exact same thing but please don't feel bad im 16 and im still sorting my emotions out I think iknow how u feel like ur in a big black hole and there is no futer just bad memories and fealings I can't say it will be ok and it will wash because I don't know myself all im going to say is that im here 4 u if u need to talk at least u have one person who knows hay