You are in the quarter century crisis.
1) If you identify as male: Watch Fight Club, like, five times in a row (that might be an exaggeration). While this may seem like a stereotypical and machismo thing to do, the movie is a stunning piece of work for young disenfranchised men. Break the film down into its core concepts: the human nature of duality, expression of power within an oppressive environment as resistance to assimilation, and the idea that humanity is unbreakable, no matter who is oppressing you. What do you think about these things? If this doesn't work for you watch Waking life and then try explaining it to as many people as you can.
The point of this is to get you outside of your own head, to get you thinking like you were someone that felt less-empty.
2.) Go someplace new AS someone new. This--again--sounds trite, but take a minute to get off your self-deprecating and vicious (motor) cycle. You've been numbed to the vibrations of the world, my dude. Pretend you are a secret agent gathering intel on yourself. Put grainy black and white pictures of yourself, along with a couple poems you have written into a manila folder and walk around asking people where you can find this guy. If you don't think you can handle this, go to a new bar and make friends with the drunks, practicing your favorite accent. Order water if you value sobriety. Who cares about what they think of you, you'll never be here again. What's important is that you learn something about yourself, something GOOD. Laugh off anything uncomfortable to you. In the grand scheme of things, it's ridiculous anyway, right?
If you did it right, you'll have strengthened your personal convictions. You should feel different. Even a little bit. If not, DO IT AGAIN.
3.) This one is the most important: Forgive yourself for who you once were. Don't punish yourself for the decisions past-you made. New-you is now stuck with this life, and now you have to make the best of it. Yeah, times are hard and we could all do with more money and more computers. Remember that you made it this far, you can go further with the right metaphors in mind. Less experimental rat in a maze, more cautious explorer of the New World.
I hope you take my advice, and I hope things get better for you. Remember, only YOU can start forest fires!
I actually felt this way throughout high school, but I never really vocalized it. I went with the flow of things and pretended to be happy, excited, sad, etc. about things because I felt like that's what I was supposed to do and nothing really mattered. I honestly believe it was just because of where I was at that point in my life. High school, in my experience, was mind-numbing. I wasn't doing things that I enjoyed, I was only doing them because I felt that that was expected of me, that people would be proud of me if I did this, and things like that. It's honestly no way to live though. it's boring and monotonous, and life is meant to be so much more than that. Get out there, find the things that do make you feel. Travel, volunteer, go hiking, read books, try new sports, take up yoga, try meditation, go vegan (that's something I did haha), just do something new and different. You have to get out there and search for that passion in life, because some of us aren't born just knowing what makes us happy and gives us purpose. I was definitely not one of those people and neither are you by the sounds of it. The worst thing you could do at this moment is be numb and just go through the motions of life, make a change. Go wild. Life's too short to just sit all day at a desk job, come home to netflix, sleep, and do the whole thing again. Hope this helps.
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