Don't want to be a douche but?

[BenMarZ]

People say you should except people's body types and that BBW should be proud of there bodies and not change what they look like. Here's the thing being overweight is unhealthy and should you really be enchouraging someone to remain that way if you like or love them? Coz you're just enchouraging something that's harmful. Same goes for being underweight but the overweight issue hits close to home. What are your thoughts on this?

Updates

+1 y

P. S I want you to disregard your emotions and form an opinion based on science.

[gray_sailor]

Nice idea you got there...

for robots...

not actual living people with emotions and free will.

You are talking hypothetically. I don't have to talk hypothetically because I've lived it.

My wife was a BBW when I married her. In 10 years together, I'VE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT HER NEEDING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

(All caps there to make the point.)

I loved her as she was.
I supported her as she was.
I never made my approval of her contingent on her success at losing weight.

BECAUSE I was a safe place her, a place free from judgement and belittling, she was able to lose the weight (she lost 175 lbs to be exact).

She knew she was heavy.
She knew long before meeting me that she needed to lose the weight for her own health.
She did not need me to tell her any of this. I'll go ahead and remind you, I AM HER HUSBAND. If anyone had place to say anything, I certainly did.

She sure as FUCK did not need some random idiot (IRL or on the Internet) to approach her and let her know:
- that she was fat
- that being fat can cause health problems
- that choosing what you eat is important
- that choosing how much you eat is important
- that being physically active will be essential

It boggles the mind that people can be such ignorant, self important, callous assholes.

I hope I don't come off as a douche either.
At least we have that in common.

[BenMarZ]

Yah that's good but my aunt is in her 70's and she is still overweight and my aunt's son is in grade one now and he's already heavily overweight. I feel that people should stop thinking and making decisions based on emotions they should make decisions based on science!

[BenMarZ]

P. S the aunt with the son is the daughter of the 70 year old aunt

[gray_sailor]

You are not understanding.

My wife was fully capable of using science to lose her excess weight. Indeed, she did use science, that was the reason for her success.

Another reason for her success lay in the fact that she did not have to spend all her energy defending herself against an ONSLAUGHT OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES from people who had NO BUSINESS HAVING AN OPINION about her weight MUCH LESS RENDERING THAT OPINION.

The problem with people like you is that they "mean well" and they figure that since they "mean well" they are excused from all manner of their atrocious behavior.

My advice for someone that finds themselves in the position of frequently "meaning well" is that they should aquire a ball peen hammer. Whenever the feeling of "meaning well" starts to rise up within them, they should take that hammer and give themselves a sound blow to the head until such time as the feeling passes.

That would make the world a much better place. I'm sure.

[apple24]

haha I upvote this! Give this man a gold medal!!! Nobel Peace Prize! YES!

[BenMarZ]

You do know that some people are unaware that being overweight is bad for their health.

[gray_sailor]

I suppose it's possible that a person, even a person in our media rich environment, could be just that ignorant. I'm using the word ignorant here not as a slam, but as an accurate description of someone who lacks information.

The error on your part is too assume that merely being overweight establishes that a person is likely ignorant in such a way.

The opposite is actually true. Other people can't seem to shut up about excess weight. So much so that you begin to wonder it they are even capable of seeing the person inside of the flesh.

[gray_sailor]

@apple24

Thanks for your kind words.

[BenMarZ]

My family members are ignorant. I'm talking about them not every overweight person. That's why I used the word "some".

[gray_sailor]

I also allowed for the possibility that ignorant people exist.

What I do not accept is that there is a link between someone else's ignorance and my justification as the person who will render them away from that ignorance.

Simply stated, their being uninformed doesn't give me a "get out of jail free" card for being an asshole.

If someone wishes to become free of their ignorance. That is a noble thing. They should make their need known and seek help where they can best find it.

However, until someone has reached this desire for themselves, on their own terms, my job is to sit idly by an keep my mouth tightly shut.

Being in the possession of knowledge, does not make one the custodian of the ignorant, their teacher or their savior.

This goes back to what I said in my opinion regarding robots vs free will.

You can make all the decisions you want for robots you own. You don't get to decide for other people that, on this day, their ignorance will end.

[BenMarZ]

That doesn't make sense sometimes ignorance is dangerous and in this case it is.

[GraySailorsBride]

His point , simply put, is that it is not your business. It's totally ok to be concerned but nothing you say or do can make anyone change (whatever the perceived danger/harm is). Until someone wants to change, they won't. Nothing you say can change that. The very best thing you can do here is to be supportive and do not judge or try to shame. I'm telling you that DOES NOT work.

[BenMarZ]

@GraySailorsBride I don't do that. I don't believe in that "it's not your business" Because people's lives have effects on the lives of others.

[GraySailorsBride]

I do truly understand your concern. I do. I've been on the other side so I am qualified to speak from my own experiences. What I'm sharing with you is that your approach will not be well received. If they are overweight, trust me, they know it. They do not need constant nagging from you. This will not motivate them to change in the way you want them to. The way to motivate is by example, by supporting them for efforts made on their part to get healthy. They didn't get that way overnight and change will be slow. When they know better, they will do better. But being a food addict is difficult and daily struggle. Ways you can help us offer to go for a walk with them. Offer other types of exercise if they are physically able to go it. Cycling, hiking, swimming whatever. But instead of saying to them they should do something , offer to go it with them. Offer to cook a meal. Show them that eating well can taste good. Show them proper portion size. There's a difference between lecturing (cont

[GraySailorsBride]

( which will not be effective) and showing them your Iove and concern by teaching them better ways. but also know that they may not open to change. And if they aren't, then keep showing by example. You can't make people change just because you want them to. But you can by changing your approach, maybe help them see that change is needed. It's all in how you bring it to the table, so to speak.

[GraySailorsBride]

And I'm not suggesting that you are nagging, I'm just saying its not a good approach, :)

[BenMarZ]

@GraySailorsBride A lot of people don't understand my question. What I'm asking is, is it really okay to tell someone that's overweight they're perfect just the way they are, don't change yourself for others etc. Aren't you just promoting unhealthiness. I'm not saying shame them or nag them.

[GraySailorsBride]

I do understand your question. No, it's not ok to tell someone you think are perfect as they are.
As an example... " Auntie, I'm concerned for your health, how can I help you with that" . Take a lead from her answer. No one is perfect. But I think people should love people (relatives) for who they are and be supportive of any changes they make. It is awesome that you care so much.

[BenMarZ]

@GraySailorsBride Cool

[Entity]

It's a matter of modern day "Choice Politics" in which the current people believe that one's choices should be driven solely by their own pleasure. Stupid as it may seem that is the conclusion they've come to.

[fauchelevent]

People can be overweight whilst still eating a healthy amount and doing exercise and may be living a healthier lifestyle than most people without being able to shift excess weight, so it's not necessarily an unhealthy thing. Same can go for underweight - there are so many people who have made it known that they're very skinny but they eat enough. Sometimes it just goes that way and it has nothing to do with whether you have a healthy lifestyle or not, so someone could have a much healthier lifestyle than the average person but just can't gain or lose weight.

Besides, it's not like it's your business. You really do need to accept other people's body types - the same way non-smokers accept that smokers can smoke themselves to death, the same way non-drinkers accept that drinkers can drink themselves to liver failure and die, the same way vegetarians and vegans accept that meat-eaters are always going to slaughter animals for food. I'm sure that you don't live a 100% healthy life and would probably get annoyed with someone telling you what you can or can't do but then covering it up and being like 'oh, I'm just worried for your health :( '. Because they're not just worried about your health, they're imposing their beliefs and attitudes towards you on you. So it's all well and good for you to not want to date an overweight and underweight person but you do always need to accept it.

[BenMarZ]

An overweight person who is exercising and eating healthy is obviously not dedicated enough to it and there unhealthy habits obviously outweigh there healthy habits. As for underweight people they may be eating healthy but they are not eating ENOUGH! As for it not being your business once that person starts developing health problems then it suddenly becomes your business. As for the smokers and non-smokers etc how do you know they've accepted each others way of living. You're just assuming and making decisions based on your feelings and not SCIENCE. The dating part is irrelevant as the people I'm concerned about are my aunts and cousins.

[fauchelevent]

There are medical reasons why someone would not be able to put on or lose weight easily and I'm pretty sure that most people who have a life where they need to go to school or work are not going to be exercising constantly. Also, by 'healthy' it means eating enough.

And no, it still doesn't become your business when someone has health problems unless they ask you for your help or unless you're their doctor. It's not my business if someone else damages their health because they're allowed to do that. If someone comes up to you and says 'I'm overweight/underweight and I want you to help me', then feel free to do so but it is hardly your place to impose yourself on someone else if they don't want your assistance.

And because they don't try to interfere? You don't have to agree with what someone's doing or think that it's a good thing to respect that they have the right to choose for themselves what to do in their life.

[BenMarZ]

Yah I understand what you're saying but I want you to just for the sake of doing it think without emotion and just based on a scientific perspective answer the question. And it not being your business before they ask for your help if they're important to you and the thought of a date or time frame set that they could die in doesn't that affect you?

[fauchelevent]

You can hardly ask me to think without emotion and then ask me to think of a family member dying and if I can prevent it :P

Regardless, I am doing my best to think without emotion. Scientifically, without any emotion, then there is absolutely no reason to try and get someone to be healthier. Your motivation for trying to motivate others is emotion based because scientifically there would be no reason to get them to be healthy. It serves you no purpose. The only reason you're doing it is emotion based, because you want someone to be healthier, so take away any emotion then you wouldn't do it.

And even in that situation, I have to realise that it's their choice. My father drinks heavily, my grandmother smokes heavily, I'm aware that this harms their health and cuts down the time they have. They are adults and are also aware of this. But until they ask me for help, there is nothing I can do, it's up to them to live as they choose.

[BenMarZ]

Hahahaha YAH! Thanks didn't realize that the whole thing and the whole purpose is emotion based 😃

[BenMarZ]

But the whole point of this is actually me wanting to know if it's okay telling an overweight or underweight person they're fine just the way they are just because you want to be a nice person

[BenMarZ]

Then I think it's best to say nothing at all.

[BellePepper]

"I don't want to be a douche, but I'm gonna be a douche" don't by that guy OP.

It's a scientific fact that body acceptance and support are the most effective means of weightloss. So if you're really just that worried for people's health and not focused on your own selfish and arbitrary beauty standards, then body acceptance is the best strategy.

[BenMarZ]

Yah but they have to accept it and then do something about it. Scientific fact!

[BellePepper]

OP, please stop trying to make me think you're stupid. I am sure that you really aren't. Now go think about what I said and try again.

[BenMarZ]

Hahaha I don't believe in stupidity everybody gains knowledge throughout life, therefor I consider it impossible to be stupid. Accepting that you can fly a plane will you be able to fly a plane if you don't go for training?

[BellePepper]

Dang OP. That sounds like a whole lot of nothing that you just said. Do you want to try yet again?

[BenMarZ]

No. I just realized that you're really childish.

[BellePepper]

There you go again with wanting me to think you're stupid, OP. I believe in you so you can't convince me. So tell me how when it's a SCIENTIFIC FACT that body acceptance is the BEST way to help people lose weight and be healthy, that you want to bodyshame. You're telling us you're all about being healthy. Why would you want to support a method that is PROVEN to be less healthy?

[BenMarZ]

I've never shamed anybody! I'm simply asking a question! I know that doing that could have an insane negative effect.

[BellePepper]

"Here's the thing being overweight is unhealthy and should you really be enchouraging someone to remain that way if you like or love them? Coz you're just enchouraging something that's harmful. Same goes for being underweight but the overweight issue hits close to home."

I'm telling you the "should you really be enchouraging someone to remain that way if you like or love them" is bodyshaming. Stop that. It doesn't work.

[BenMarZ]

What part of that is body shaming?

[BellePepper]

I literally Quoted. It. To. You.

Do you understand the words you typed? y/n?

[BenMarZ]

Hahaha Y. Let me give you an example of what body shaming is: “she'd be pretty if she were skinnier" How is that even remotely close to my question?

[BellePepper]

Good job OP! I knew there was a glimmer of hope for you. That's a good starting example. So now I want you to think about what that sentence means. If a person was different they would be better right? Now read over what you wrote.

"Here's the thing being overweight is unhealthy and should you really be enchouraging someone to remain that way if you like or love them? Coz you're just enchouraging something that's harmful. Same goes for being underweight but the overweight issue hits close to home."

You're saying if a person wasn't "over" or "underweight", they would be "better". That is bodyshaming. Stop doing that. You're also propagating bodyshaming as a means of healthy change, when we have proof that it isn't, so you also need to stop that. It's basically lying.

[BenMarZ]

There's a big difference between insulting someone and educating them. On health in this case.

[BellePepper]

You're saying you're "educating" people that they're the wrong weight according to you because according to you that's the best way to help them get healthy. That is factually wrong. Why do you want to be wrong?

[BenMarZ]

I never said it's the best way. It's not according to me it's according to science.

[BellePepper]

Except we have established that according to science your way is the wrong way.

[BenMarZ]

What science never said making someone aware of their unhealthy lifestyle did not help them become healthy!

[BellePepper]

I explained this to you several times so now you can go google it yourself. Next time listen to people.

[detlef]

@BellePepper Of course you're right, but you should never enchourage a troll. :)

[BellePepper]

@detlef Better me than someone else

[BenMarZ]

You're just seeing things the way you want to.

[BellePepper]

LOL I'm the one with scientific proof. You're the one stomping your foot saying you're right.

[BenMarZ]

webmd. com/diet/obesity/single-best-way-lose-weight Proof that body acceptance isn't the best way 😐

[BellePepper]

www.huffingtonpost.com/.../...image_b_4766811.html

www.brown.edu/.../body_image.php

https://www.refinery29.com/body-image-global-impact

[BenMarZ]

Those are just people's thoughts. It's nowhere stated by a scientist that, that is the best way to lose weight.

[BenMarZ]

There are no statistics or studies done on body acceptance vs non-body acceptance people trying to lose weight.

[BellePepper]

Those are all reputable sites with clear proof body acceptance is more important than bodyshaming. Like I really cannot make it clearer for you.

[detlef]

"There are no statistics or studies done on body acceptance vs non-body acceptance people trying to lose weight."

Wanna bet cash money on that?

[meowcow]

You don't really understand what people mean by "accepting people's body types". When people say that, they mean that you should not insult, berate, or otherwise discriminate them from being treated as politely as you would any other human being.

The saying does not extend to sexual attraction and preference in a girl. If someone tells you that you should accept a BBW, skinny, ugly, tall or short girl or whatever body type they have, you should tell them to fuck off. Everyone has their own specific preference of age, body type, hair color, boob size... etc.

Nobody is going to tell me that I should accept a girl with a BBW body type, when I prefer tiny skinny girls. I would tell them to screw off. It's no different when a girl says she prefers tall men... who the fuck are you (or someone else) to tell that girl that she should date short guys?

Accepting someone for who they are simply means to treat them like a human being. If you are not attracted to them, nothing's going to change that fact.

[BenMarZ]

Yah but if they're living in an unhealthy manner and they're important to you shouldn't you say something to help them?

[meowcow]

I doubt you have anything useful to say that they haven't heard already during their lifetime. And a few words out of your mouth isn't going to make a person change their lifestyle.

It is up to the individual to decide what type of lifestyle they want to live.

Besides, do you have a specific irritation of BBW people? What if every vegan on the planet came up to you and criticized your dietary choices because you ate meat? Yup... every time you eat meat, someone came up to shame you. How effective would that be in making you become a vegan?

So how effective do you think you'd be trying to shame a BBW person to eat more healthy and do more exercise?

[CHARismatic110]

Here's the thing: you can't look at an person and assume you know what goes on in their life. You look at someone and you see that they're overweight and you automatically label them as lazy and a slob and not wanting to lose weight. But you don't know that they workout daily and that they probably eat healthier than you do. You can't possibly know that by just looking at them. You don't know how much progress they've made. No, you judge and make assumptions. You call them names and think that shaming them will help. You don't stop to think that your name calling and shaming has just set them back. No one ever stops to think about that.

[BenMarZ]

WOW chill I've never shamed someone for that. That's why I'm asking this question!

[CHARismatic110]

You asked what we're my thoughts and I told you.

[BenMarZ]

And you ATTACKED me!

[CHARismatic110]

I was speaking in general, but if the shoe fits then...

[BenMarZ]

You can't possibly know that by just looking at them. You don't know how much progress they've made. No, you judge and make assumptions. You call them names and think that shaming them will help. You don't stop to think that your name calling and shaming has just set them back. YOU kept using the word YOU. And stop being a coward and just say you attacked me. If the shoe fits smh

[CHARismatic110]

Again, I meant in general. You feel attacked because you're guilty. Not my problem. Stop being a coward and bashing other's for their body types.

[BenMarZ]

Now I felt attacked because of your wording. That's not being a coward. Once again I'm not bashing anyone 😐

[CHARismatic110]

Right.

[BenMarZ]

Okay. Peace 😊

[AdamThomas]

I think it's a load of bollocks. Lazy people don't like the idea of having to work to get to a healthy weight so they complain and try to pretend that they're proud of being overweight as if it's something to be proud about.

[golani]

there is nothing good about being "bbw". first of all its unhealthy, second its unattractive. not to mention that it suggests that the girl doesn't care about how she looks and doesn't care about her health or her imagine, and thats a major turn off.

[BenMarZ]

I agree with you! Although attractiveness is a matter of opinion.
P. S don't find BBWs attractive as well

[Anonymous]

I don't know that person's life. There are so many reasons why they are overweight or underweight. I believe in positive encouragement to help, not shaming them.

[BenMarZ]

Yah exactly! I never said anything about shaming.

[Opinion Owner]

I am just rounding out my thought is all, never accused you of shaming. Just some people out there do this on both sides of the spectrum, but more so with overweight people. They don't know their life.

[apple24]

Eh... I just think its wrong to force someone to lose weight when they already workout and try to eat healthy.

[BenMarZ]

Hahaha I understand but what if they are not trying or what if they are simply doing it incorrectly?

[apple24]

Still... did they ask you? Nope than mind your fuckin bussiness... losing weight is something personal!

[BenMarZ]

WHY is it personal?

[apple24]

its personal! It something for them by them!!!

[BenMarZ]

Hahaha that does not make sense!

[BenMarZ]

I think the saying it's personal was created in order for people to avoid dealing with something

[apple24]

I make awesome sense!

[BenMarZ]

Hahaha

[usernameisnttaken]

Why is it your business if some is overweight?

Not to be a douche or anything

[BenMarZ]

Because that person is important in your life and once they develop health issues they'll suddenly want to make it your business

[usernameisnttaken]

Then it's up to that person to worry about their weight. If it was that big of an issue to them, they would make steps to correct it.

[BenMarZ]

Or they are just lazy or they don't get enough motivation.

[usernameisnttaken]

Either way, it isn't your problem. It's theirs. Who are you to judge them?

[BenMarZ]

Who is a judge to judge somebody? They are unhealthy that's a FACT!