My fiance said he hates me. I feel awful. He texted me to apologize but it still hurts?

[Ildskf]

Here is what he wrote. Please let me know what you think:

"I'm under a great deal of stress right now... I just spent amonth working my ass off and not sleeping very well... going back and forth between days and nights and I'm exhausted. Then I have the stress of still trying to take care of everything else in my life and my grandfather just died.

And I've been socially isolated staying up all night and sleeping all day. I haven't really seen my family all month and it's been nice seeing you when we hang out but I've been up all night and then we go into this stressful conversation about money and buying a house and finding a place to live together and how you don't want to live here with me and trying ot find a new place to move into.

I don't hate you and I don't think I could ever hate you and I know I shouldn't have said that and I'm really really sorry... I really didn't mean that... Of course I still love you very very much!! I just had a little mental breakdown and I freaked out and I'm sorry I took it out on you... that was very wrong of me... I think you just scared me with all your worrying about the future.

I was worried we wouldn't be together anymore and the only way I could live with that is if I turned my love into hate because I love you and care about you so much and I don't want to lose you <my name>.

And I'm sorry for pushing you away with my words. I just want to be with you. But I'm starting to wonder if it's going to work out. I really hope it does. I love you <my name>.

For reference, he is a first year medical resident. We plan on getting married when I finish my masters degree which will be in September. He lives in an area where it will be hard for me to find work after I graduate so I suggested to him we move somewhere a bit closer to our families. He asked me where I wanted to live so I thought he would be open to moving.

[meowcow]

You guys should have figured out your shit long before this. It seems you two have procrastinated discussing the details of how you expect your lives to be, until it everything is bearing down on the both of you.

So now, he is dealing with medical studies (I've worked with many, and the hours are exhausting), getting married, arranging the wedding, figuring out how to pay for it, finding a home, figuring out how to pay for it, your reluctance to live where he works, his reluctance to live where you can find work, family deaths, the stress of having little support from family due to his limited time to spend with them - and you. Just wait until the talk of having children comes up.

Do you see a problem here?
Did you even notice the problem months or years ago? Or did you two just let it slide until it has built up to the state it is at now?

It does not look like you two really discussed solutions to your problems. The topic may have come up, but I suspect it's just the same old yapping with no real resolution.

For example. About the house... any discussion about the price range you two could afford? Or whether buying was in the best interest vs renting? What if a baby comes along and the house (or condo) you buy isn't suitable for raising a child? Those are easy calculations that would put certainty on the table, and remove one of many problems you two have.

What are the options for your career? If he is a medical doctor and would make a lot more money than you, it may make more sense to move where he is working. The alternative is to go where you can find a job, but maybe his work dynamics would not work out. Bottom line is - which option will earn enough money to sustain your lifestyles. Easy to decide on.

I would not think that your relationship is doomed. Since you are not talking about some underlying personality conflicts. Essentially, your problems revolve around time, money and life stresses, but the two of you are compatible. You just have to get off your ass and deal with those issues, rather than let them sit around until they become a problem.

Discussions on difficult life choices must have a the options laid out, the pros and cons weighted, and a definitive course of action and resolution. Otherwise, you end up doing what 99% of people end up doing. Discuss.. discuss... argue endlessly, bringing up the same old rationale, with nothing useful coming out of it.

[Ildskf]

Actually, we have talked about these things before, just not recently because he hasn't been able to talk due to being very tired and bogged down with work. We could not make concrete plans because he didn't even know where he was going to end up for residency until recently. I don't know where I'm going to find a job before we get married. A lot is up in the air and cannot be planned for. We are actually looking ahead to where we will be living next year and am not rushed for it. It's not really fair to make assumptions based on such little information I wrote down.

[meowcow]

No decisions in life are made with full knowledge of the future. You determine what is know, and what is not, and make a decision with that knowledge. You do not need to know the exact city you'll end up in to decide who's career/job should be the determining factor in who follows who. You are getting caught up in the minor details that do not affect the decision. If his career will earn a lot more than yours (or vice versa), it is quite clear who's job should determine the city you live in.

For things like buying a home, he probably has a large student debt and isn't actually in the market for buying for awhile anyway. So letting him know that such a decision is off the table for the next 3, 5, 10 years would stop his worrying.

You may not realize - as a girl - the pressures that are put on a male to be a provider for his family. Just as guys do not realize the pressures a girl has regarding their body image growing up.

[meowcow]

I suspect your fiance is worrying about these issues a LOT more than you realize.

There is no greater embarrassment for a man if he believes he is not "masculine" enough take care of his family. He is stressing over such issues because the two of you have not worked out a solution. In his mind, he is not providing you with a home and all the other simple life necessities because he hasn't got it figured out in his own head.

[Ildskf]

How can you be so sure he is worrying about all of these things? To me it doesn't seem like he worries about it much at all. I was trying to talk to him about it... like how much money we should be saving to buy a house and if we'll be able to buy one. I've been saving for us to be able to live together for a couple years. I have almost $30,000 in my savings. I'm not with him for money and have never nagged him about it. If I wanted to be with someone for financial security I wouldn't have a problem (not that I've ever told him). He is from a different culture than me. He's white, I'm mostly Lebanese. He doesn't know much about my culture but in it the woman is taken care of. My sister in law (brothers wife) got a $10,000 wedding ring, my brother moved into a nice big house, she got a new car, and my brother takes care of her. And that is the norm where I'm from. I never pressured my guy to get me anything. When we go out I always pay for half if not more of everything.

[Ildskf]

He actually once told me when he was in undergrad his goal was to just marry a rich wife and have her take care of him. The funny thing is when he told me he hated me a bit earlier he told me all I care about is money and am just looking for someone to take care of me. I'm not of course. I work hard, have a job, am doing an internship and am a grad student.

[meowcow]

You are not aware of what he worries about because like all men - we refuse to show it. Men are stubborn in that if we have a problem, it is perceived as weak or embarrassing to tell/reveal it to others for advice. Men do not go to the doctor as much as they should. And we do not reveal health/financial or mental stress problems until a critical event occurs.

In your original message, you even listed the things he said he was overwhelmed with. So it's quite obvious he's stressing over it. You often hear a lot about people who are depressed/suicidal, and when they act out, it's a complete surprise to their closest friends and family.

I don't think you realize the problem at hand. You say you're worried about the relationship. But even when I lay it out plain as day from a guy's perspective, you have dismissed everything, thinking he's fine because he acts fine. Have it your way then. Just ignore all the red flags.

[Ildskf]

There is no such thing as lumping all men together. Just because he is also a man does not mean you can make assumptions of how he feels inside. Everyone thinks dofferently. We have always been very honest and open about our feelings. The things he listed in this text, I already know they are stressing him out... he has talked about them before. i'm not clueless about what is going on with him because he's a guy. that's not even why I posted my question. I am bery aware of his insecurities and have been since we started going out. He has pushed me away early on and he later let me know it was because he didn't think he was good enough for me or that he deserved me. This causes him to put a wall up sometimes. I am aware of this. It doesn't mean it hurt any less when he told me he hates me, even though I knew he didn't mean it and it was a waybof him to protect himself from possible rejection.

[Ildskf]

I'm a therapist. I am not completely unaware of peoples "warning signs". You are making generalizations about how you think he is acting based on hisnwarning signs. He studied psych in undergrad and has been in therapy for a few years. He has no problem expressing himself and hasn't held back. He is very self aware but like I said, this month working nights as a medical resident have been extremely tough. Do you know what it's like to be a medical resident too?

[oldanddecrepid]

It's okay to discuss future plans together, but considering what the guy is gong through I think you have to know when to approach him about things.

On any other given day when he has had some time to process, you can bring things up then.

I think he was just on overload and you caught him at a bad time with your questions about the future.

If he uses excuses like this over and over again... then I would start to be a little suspicious of his plans for the future.

[Ildskf]

He wants to be with me... I'm not worried about that. He thinks I don't want to be with him. I posted on another site and people said I should break up with him. It's making me wonder if I should. I really feel like he was just having a meltdown... being in residency is hard and he's never had a problem talking about our future. He's been wanting me to move in with him for a while and I think he is getting impatient.

[oldanddecrepid]

I think breaking up is a little rash... I think I would cut him some slack and just try to be there for him... it is obvious that he felt horrible about what he said.

I find no one is willing to try anymore and the always say the best remedy when your hurt is breaking up about it. Whatever happened to giving the person the benefit of the doubt and trying to make amends with them?

[Ildskf]

Thanks for the advice. Yeah... I was surprised at the other people who told me I should break up. We've been through a lot together and I know he'll always be there for me. I just don't know how to go about dealing with the situation. I'm already in a stressful situation with my family over him because he is not the same ethnicity as me and my parents are very traditional. It took me about 9 months for my family to start coming around...9 months of my family giving me crap, yelling at me and telling me how selfish I was for not wanting to be with someone of the same culture as them. But I never backed down. I just am not sure if he would fight for me like I fought for him. I am sacrificing a lot to be with him... and I feel like if I told him we should end it he would just walk away.

[Ildskf]

This is what someone else wrote:

"Despite stress, no one ever says this to a loved one unless there's a kernel, or more than a kernel, of truth to it. He's using stressful times to test the waters to see if you'll take being disrespected so greatly. It's over if you're smart. If you can't manage to protect yourself, this behavior will come up again and again and again. In time, you'll look back and berate yourself for not breaking it off the first time it happened."

[oldanddecrepid]

If you truly think he is worthwhile and that it was just a hiccup... then let him know how you feel and give him another chance.

We all sacrifice a little of ourselves for our SO as long as you don't lose your identity then it is worth it.

[oldanddecrepid]

It seems a little overboard to me... if it is not something he continually does and it appears as though he was in panic mode then put the shoe on the other foot...

If you had done the same thing to him... would you want him to leave at this juncture?

[oldanddecrepid]

or would you hope that he realizes you made a mistake and chalk it up to the pressure?

[Ildskf]

Thanks... I agree with you. Good advice! Yeah, it isn't something that happens on a regular basis. The night before this happened he texted me and wrote

"I'm kinda not in a great mood cuz one of the attendings was being a big old B**** and last night was stressful. I'm kinda just sick of everything and all the people at the hospital and especially lame ass f***ing stupid bull shit night float... If it was ny longer than one more night of this crap I would f***ing kill myself... or at least try to so they would admit me to the psych hospital". So he wasn't in a good mood.

[Ildskf]

Yeah I would think he would forgive me if the tables were turned. It's just that I could never imagine myself saying that to him. He's really put up a lot in dealing with my demanding family. My grandparents said he is a keeper and must really love me because not many men would put up with what he has. Deep down I know he loves me, but I wish he wasn't so insecure.

[oldanddecrepid]

Sounds just like some rough times/patches to me. I tend to gauge things as if my girlfriend and I already married. You take the good times with the bad... its all a trial run for someday if we were to get hitched!

It is easy to walk away, but it is not easy to say you ever tried at the relationship if that's your resolution for when times get tough!

[Anonymous]

Well if you live with him in his area, are you able to support yourself or will he support you?

[Ildskf]

I'm able to support myself but when we will get married before living together. We plan on sharing our finances. He's a doctor so he'll make more money than me.

[Opinion Owner]

Then why are you stressing? Does it have to be on his terms or he just doesn't like it when you suggest something else when he told you that's where he wanted to live?

[Ildskf]

I suggested we move because the place is small (there is almost nowhere for me to move my stuff) and there are not many job opportunities for what I want to go into where he is living. So he took it as I'm not going to move in with him... that I'll just stay living with my family.

[Opinion Owner]

He already told you the reason why he misunderstood you...

[Ildskf]

Hopefully he'll be able to talk in the next few days. I don't even know what to say to him or how to go about approaching this issue

[Opinion Owner]

Well just tell him you still felt HURT from those words... he used on you. But when a person is put on stress, they think negative... I guess if he said sorry again, you'll just have to believe him it isn't his true intentions to hurt you deliberately.

[Ildskf]

Thanks for your advice. So you don't think this is reason to break up? I posted on other places and people's reaction was that I should because saying "I hate you" is crossing the line

[Opinion Owner]

Well if you don't love him, take a break from him. Let him do his own thing.

[Ildskf]

I do love him a lot... and he loves me as well... if I didn't love him so much it wouldn't have been so difficult for me to handle this situation. I would have instantly walked.

[Opinion Owner]

If you can't forgive or accept and get over your hurt, then find someone else.

[Ildskf]

I think I can get over it... it's gonna take a little bit of time. This just happened yesterday and it's still fresh. He hasn't contacted me yet today... and probably won't. I told him to contact me when he is ready to talk. So it may be a while.

[Opinion Owner]

Give him time. He is suffering from immense pressure. Too much on his shoulders. If i was to respond back to him after his long text. Ill just say..

I understand. Let me know when you are good to talk.

[Ildskf]

Yeah that's pretty much what I wrote... I told him I love him and want to be with him like he told me... and that I won't push him to talk right now but will leave it up to him. He played me in words with friends but didn't text or call. I'm just afraid if I don't call he'll break up with me because he'll think I want to break up. We always contact each other at least once a day... we're both busy but he usually calls after work. He didn't.

[Opinion Owner]

Can you keep yourself occupied with something else for now?

[zorro8888]

It's up to you to see how you want to move forward, but in my opinion, give the guy a break, he's been through and is still going through so much.
He just projected his stress and anger on to you in a time of weakness... he didn't mean it.

[Ildskf]

I know he didn't mean it... I don't know how to go about handling th situation. Should I just wait for him to call or text me? He is done with night rotations and is on a new one today... so hopefully he feels better

[zorro8888]

Well... he already messaged you by sending you that text up there.
So it's really up to you to call or go see him at this point?

[Ildskf]

I guess I should mention he has ADHD and for the past couple of months he has been off his meds.. he knows he can't control what he says as well when he is off them.

[Ildskf]

He didn't yell at me but him saying that was one of the worst feelings I've experienced.

[zorro8888]

Then you should request that he goes back on his meds if it's affecting his behavior in any way.

[Ildskf]

I did text him back last night but so far he hasn't texted me back. He's probably busy with the new rotation.

[zorro8888]

Who sent the last message?

[Ildskf]

I did