Please Help!! I'm so lost and confused, am I depressed?

[Purple_daisy]

I feel so lost. My grades have gradually gotten worse, and now I'm failing multiple classes because of not doing homework, labs etc. I am in my junior year of high school and I can't get myself to do my work. I know it's important, and when I end up not doing it, I get so angy and disappointed with myself. I tell myself that I HAVE to do my homework, I'm already behind, it's important for college and everything, but I can't force myself to do it. Instead I spend a lot of my free time reading. I'm scared, I don't know what to do. As I'm typing this, my heart is racing and anxiety is slightly gripping my lungs. I'm just tired, I just want to curl up with a good book and escape into it. I've had trouble with homework for a long time, but it has just gotten worse as the school years go by. For example, I have a 27 (a 27!!) in Chemistry because of multiple labs I haven't handed in and they were due weeks ago. Today I was supposed to spend the whole day making up homework, and I told my mom I was, but I spent the whole time reading on my kindle app.
There are times I feel so sad because I'm so lonely and it makes me cry; sometimes it's like a physical pain, it's such a sharp ache and yearning coming from my soul, yet I'm only 16. I am always reading romance novels, but I've never had a boyfriend, I've never even kissed a guy; I want the companionship, the strength, the love, the emotional and physical intimacy etc. that comes with a relationship. I am so insecure, it's hard for me to believe someone would like me, I don't know how to accept compliments, I always feel like people do it out of obligation and kindness when I get a compliment. My life feels so empty, sure I have friends and family, but my life consists of just going to school and work etc, I want more; I want excitement, passion, love etc. Sometimes it makes me anxious and I can't describe it, it's like my time is wasting away, like I should be doing something more important, more gratifying, more fullfilling.

Updates

+1 y

I ran out of space, but honestly, a lot of the time I just want to either be alone with a book, or I get a surge of recklessness, trying to find that excitement or passion. I've been drunk once and I loved it, it felt crazy and freeing. I've been high from smoking pot twice and I also liked that. I searched for the attention of guys online, I'm making decisions that embarrass me. But lately, I just want to crawl under the covers in bed and keep reading forever. I don't know...
You can ask questions by the way.

[spuitkaas]

You actually sound a lot like me when I was your age. I never did my homework. I didn't even learn for my final exams. I passed them because I did a lower level than I should have been doing (in my country we work with difficulty levels). So then I found out I couldn't go to university with my diploma and so I did a higher level afterwards at a private school, because I already knew I wouldn't do my homework and fail.

Anyways, things like forcing yourself to do homework is something that comes with maturity. I think it's some sort of resistance against being obligated to do things, but I'm not entirely sure. Or maybe it's because you can't really see the big picture for what it's all for. For me things worked out by time.

This thing gets highly underrated and many people won't understand it so you probably get a lot of answers like 'just put yourself in an empty room and do your homework', but trust me, I can get distracted by a white wall and my thoughts.

Do you know already what you want to be? That can help you to find motivation. What can also help is to make your homework at school. Stay a little longer there and do your homework. Keep the school things at school and the home things at home.

[Purple_daisy]

Ya, I'm not getting the instant gratification, and I don't know what, but I just can't get myself to do it even though I care about my grades. I'm not motivated AT ALL. I have no idea what I want to do, which is frustrating; I know a couple things that I sorta like, but honestly, there's not much I'm sure of right now, I'm just so confused, its so frustrating!!

[sawno]

Sounds exactly like me back then appart from the lower level bit. I eventually always git it done by rushing. I still remember the day i distracted myself by thinking about the fact there was nothing to distract myself with.

[Purple_daisy]

@sawno I can always get distracted and lost in my thoughts, and sometimes I'm distracted by the fact that I'm so distracted lol. It took time for me to get so far behind, which just makes me more overwhelmed, which gives me anxiety which leads to me just shoving it away and escaping in a book, I use it as a life line to not think and stress about shit lol.

[spuitkaas]

Talk to the school counselor for a while about your problems and what you want to do after highschool. There are a lot of people like you and the school knows how to tackle these problems.

But try the solutions I listed. It will never be easy though, but this could help. What also helps is to have some stable, supportive friends and family.

[mermaidrocketship]

I'm in college and going through a similar thing. No motivation to do homework, no boyfriend, and always distracting myself with tv. Why don't you try doing one assignment at a time and taking breaks between assignments to read books/ be with your friends. As far as relationships are concerned, you might want to consider focusing on yourself and your friends first. You're only 16, and you have your entire life to have excitement and experiences. Try to enjoy how uncomplicated your life is right now. Best wishes!

[sawno]

I get a strong running away from the problems vibe from this, could it be that part of the reason you keep shoving the homework away is the fact that you dont want to face the huge amount of work in front of you?

But let me open the escape hatch ^^.
First of all your going to have to push trough the mental barrier, stop looking at the bigger picture for a moment and focus on the work at hand. But more importantly go to your mentor. Explain the issue in detail, they are able to give you tricks to move on and possibly arrange something with the teachers to reduce the load and allow you to catch up.

Teachers are here to help as long as your honest with them and show them your willing to work

[Purple_daisy]

Yes, I do like to run away from crap, and dealing with it gives me anxiety, but also, I don't know how to describe it, like I care about it but I don't; in the moment when I'm pushing it away, I don't care and just say screw it, cause I just have no motivation to do it. But the next day when the teacher sighs after I tell them I don't have the homework and I get a zero in the grade book, then I care and get pissed off with myself, because I'm so stupid to keep doing this. I don't think the teachers want to hear my crap anymore because this isn't the first time I've gotten behind, but this is the worst that it's been. I get some help from school because of my ADD, but I don't think thats going to make a big difference.

[Intraluminal]

You are suffering from late adolescence. It *hurts* your body says it's grown - its telling the truth. Your mind says it's adult - its not far wrong. Society says you're a child and its right and wrong at the same time.

This is also the time when most people get addicted to drugs and develop serious mental disorders like schizophrenia.

It gets better but you may need help adjusting to everything that's going on in your head and body.