My boyfriend didn't invite me to his birthday party? What should I do?

[supervixxen]

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 3 months, and he's been a sweetie pie for the most part. We do have some differences, as he's more of a homebody and I like going out and doing things, and he's more sensible and mature, and I'm very emotional and caring, sometimes for my own good. We've been dating since October, and I have met his family for dinner once and his mother has expressed wanting to take us out for dinner sometime as well. I haven't met his grandparents though, and probably won't. He lives with them and he has said that they are very backwards and have no idea that he's dating. (He's white and I'm black)

Just recently, I moved an hour away to a different college. We agreed to keep our relationship going and I told him I would be home on the weekends (which is probably a mistake) to see him. Well I came home last Friday and he told me that he was going out with his friends drinking Tuesday night and I understood, I'll be at school. But then he said his family was throwing him a party for him Saturday, and I was kind of taken aback because I thought he would at least ask if I wanted to come.

I decided to scope out to see who would be coming and he said it was a "family and friend thing" I don't know if I should take that as a red flag or not.I have been feeling that I take this relationship more seriously than he does, and that I should back off a bit since I just moved to a university, but I'm scared of losing him, so I was a little offended that he didn't invite me to his party. He didn't see me on my birthday in November, but the day after, and we spent Christmas seperately, and had our own Christmas together a few days later just the two of us. We spent New Years together.

I dunno, should I ask him about it or take it as a red flag and be offended?

Updates

+1 y

i'm 19, and he's turning 21. I know he isn't cheating or anything, and he's actually quite sensitive and wants to be with me. he said he's very patient and willing to wait due to our situation, but sometimes I do feel like he's being inconsiderate.

[MrOracle]

Well, as crappy as it is to say, there might be legit reasons for him not to invite a girlfriend to an event that has a lot of family present, especially family that could because problems for him (read: grandparents). When you don't have your own place to live, but rather have to rely on other people whose opinions you often disagree with, you often have to shut your mouth and bite your tongue and try not to rock the boat.

HOWEVER, IMO, he at least owes you an explanation of why he didn't invite you. If I were in that situation, I might say "this is a family thing, and it's better for them if they don't know I have a girlfriend, for the following reasons: ...", and I'd also say "my close friends and I are going to do something later, and of COURSE you'll be invited."

You don't get to choose your family, but you do have to live with them sometimes, so you have to make the best of it.

[supervixxen]

yeah, I just want to take it easy, and not to jump to conclusions just yet. I do think he owes me an explanation, considering we are doing something that Friday before his birthday party. but he can't stay long because his friends are coming to his place (I assume his grandparents) that night and spending the night. :/ hmm

[martyfellow]

it does indicate he doesn't take the relationship very seriously. So you'r overanalyzing here. Jus treat him like a casual friend fro now. Asking too many questions about parties you're not invited to will irritate him!

[DebiPie]

I think Moloch may be on to something here. Have you talked about the black/white issue & how his family feels about this? That could be it. OOOr...It could be a party for his family & his family's friends...NOT his friends. You know, like mom & dad invited their friends next door or people they've been close to for years that have been like family. That kind of thing.

I know it feels bad, but it is what it is. Unless you ask him, there's nothing you can do about it, and you won't understand it. So, you can either, 1.wait until after the party & ask him, 2.ask him before the party, or 3. stick your head in the sand & ignore it. It's up to you.

If you wait, you'll be miserable; if you ask before, he may invite you or he may be uncomfortable & have to tell you what's up; if you ignore it...shame on you.

[supervixxen]

yeah, we have. I didn't see the big deal since both of his parents seemed to like me, it's just the grandparents... but, do you think it indicates he doesn't take our relationship as serious as I do? and he keeps bringing it up to me and I will ask him about it tomorrow, it just doesn't seem right, I know he deeply cares for me, but wtf? it wasn't a big deal that he didn't come to my birthday since we were literally dating for like a week, and he was at work anyway. but... wtf?

[DebiPie]

No, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't take your relationship as seriously, although you won't know if you don't ask. That said, if you push it, you may find yourself out of a relationship. He may want to take this more slowly than you. Sometimes people see their relationships much differently, so you may be over reacting. Just keep in mind, this is only a birthday party, it isn't like he didn't ask you to...IDK, some huge event at college that's important to you two (fill in the blank).

[DebiPie]

If your relationship lasts, there will be many more birthday parties to go to. So, don't worry about this one too much. Talk about later, if you must.

[Moloch]

He already told you why, it's a family event with his best friend. Plus no offense but you're black and his whole family may not be accepting of him dating outside the norm. He needs more time to introduce you to his family, 3 months is too soon.

[Anonymous]

You Monster Frisbee!

[Opinion Owner]

The cake was delicious