I looked in the mirror. Long, red-blonde hair, collarbone on fleek, big breasts, tight tummy, curvy, toned butt & legs. Blue eyes quivered; I hated myself. Why couldn't I be beautiful enough?
Constantly looking in the mirror & bursting into tears, I hate my body. Since the scenario aforementioned, I gained about 15 lbs since college. Granted, most of my body is muscle & I'm shaped like Kate Upton. But she even has some skinny fat on her...& that's what's killing me is the skinny fat. My stomach is flat, until you get to about 2 inches below my belly button. I feel like I don't measure up the way I used to, when I hated my body.
The scenarios just described were me when I was 20, & now at 22. I was absolutely gorgeous at 20, but I was a bitch to anyone who said so. And only now do I realize why so.
At that time in my life, I was seeing this man named Mike. He was great; a rebel with tattoos & piercings, yet a great father of three. It got to the point where I was willing to give him my first time...
During the sex, I said something really stupid. I was just trying to be funny, but it came off all wrong. I said, "so how are the kids doing?" He immediately pulled out & said, "I'm done." He got dressed & stormed out of my apartment, leaving me naked & alone on the bed. I spent the whole next day crying in bed until about 5:00, when I went over to my roommate's boyfriend's house to talk about it. My roommate & her boyfriend sympathized with me, telling me "you could've said way worse" & other reassurances that what I did wasn't as bad as Mike made it out to be. Nevertheless, I ruined it, & he was gone.
I now realize why I didn't believe I was beautiful when I actually was. Despite being that beautiful, I wasn't beautiful enough to keep Mike. I wasn't beautiful enough to win him back. And it took me two years to realize the underestimated damage that was caused.
Meanwhile, I have a boyfriend who loves me immensely. He says I'm sexy, that no one's hotter than me, but my stomach isn't as flat as it used to be. It's still flat, like I said, but soft, like the Pillsbury Doughboy. I feel I don't measure up. I have too much respect for him for him to be with someone who doesn't look good. I'm going to better myself. I want to better myself so that I feel I deserve to be called beautiful.
Could this all be from the Mike situation that I continue to have horrible body image? What do you think?