Why I Hated-& Continue To Hate-My Body

I looked in the mirror. Long, red-blonde hair, collarbone on fleek, big breasts, tight tummy, curvy, toned butt & legs. Blue eyes quivered; I hated myself. Why couldn't I be beautiful enough?

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Constantly looking in the mirror & bursting into tears, I hate my body. Since the scenario aforementioned, I gained about 15 lbs since college. Granted, most of my body is muscle & I'm shaped like Kate Upton. But she even has some skinny fat on her...& that's what's killing me is the skinny fat. My stomach is flat, until you get to about 2 inches below my belly button. I feel like I don't measure up the way I used to, when I hated my body.

Why I Hated-& Continue To Hate-My Body

The scenarios just described were me when I was 20, & now at 22. I was absolutely gorgeous at 20, but I was a bitch to anyone who said so. And only now do I realize why so.

At that time in my life, I was seeing this man named Mike. He was great; a rebel with tattoos & piercings, yet a great father of three. It got to the point where I was willing to give him my first time...

During the sex, I said something really stupid. I was just trying to be funny, but it came off all wrong. I said, "so how are the kids doing?" He immediately pulled out & said, "I'm done." He got dressed & stormed out of my apartment, leaving me naked & alone on the bed. I spent the whole next day crying in bed until about 5:00, when I went over to my roommate's boyfriend's house to talk about it. My roommate & her boyfriend sympathized with me, telling me "you could've said way worse" & other reassurances that what I did wasn't as bad as Mike made it out to be. Nevertheless, I ruined it, & he was gone.

I now realize why I didn't believe I was beautiful when I actually was. Despite being that beautiful, I wasn't beautiful enough to keep Mike. I wasn't beautiful enough to win him back. And it took me two years to realize the underestimated damage that was caused.

Meanwhile, I have a boyfriend who loves me immensely. He says I'm sexy, that no one's hotter than me, but my stomach isn't as flat as it used to be. It's still flat, like I said, but soft, like the Pillsbury Doughboy. I feel I don't measure up. I have too much respect for him for him to be with someone who doesn't look good. I'm going to better myself. I want to better myself so that I feel I deserve to be called beautiful.

Could this all be from the Mike situation that I continue to have horrible body image? What do you think?


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What Guys Said 4

  • 3mo

    Blaming your insecurities on Mike is not the correct path. Sure he might have made you feel bad, but saying something like that during sex is just a, well i would have done the same thing. When having sex we dont want to think about our kids, its a HUGE turn off. For the answers you seek you need to look inside and not at what others do. No one can make you feel anything about anything, only you can, You have total control over all of it.

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  • 3mo

    I like the joke. Fuck Mike the cheating bastard. you're way over reacting about your body image. Chill, let it go. What's with all the guilt?

    Get some Valium from your Doc and reel in the anxiety, and stabilize your emotions.

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  • Holy shit, it sounds wonderful. Perhaps if you posted a new tastefully ( or not) nudes showing the monty I could give you more thoughtful answer

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  • It sounds like there was a bit more going on between you and Mike than you're letting on in the story. But, also, nuts to Mike. A relationship is rarely sunk on one bad joke. Even one as bad as that one ;)

    And I think you know, deep down, that whatever happened between you and Mike had nothing to do with your belly, just as your current relationship doesn't.

    I can assure you however, that beating yourself up is not the path to happiness. There's no way you can become the person you want to be through mental self violence. It means you have to put the whip down and resolve not to pick it up. This will be hard because you may have made a habit of self punishment. Well, unmake that habit. Don't sabotage your relationship with your new man for the sake of the old.

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What Girls Said 1

  • if u want to hate ursekf-u can do it

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    • 3mo

      people like you are why I don't even bother with this site anymore

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