I'm not ugly but nowhere near hot or pretty. I am a very average, plain girl. Whenever I go out with friends, I am always overlooked by men who stare at my pretty/beautiful friends. I know it is only natural for men to want to stare at the more attractive girls...but it makes me feel like sh*t every time. I am very outgoing with my friends and with people I interact with but no one has any idea of the internal sadness I feel.
How do I accept being unattractive in a society that places so much emphasis on looks? Especially for women? Everywhere I go, I see beautiful women who I can never compete with. I curse the heavens for my evil genes! I rarely get hit on by men and if men approach me, it is to ask me to put in a word for them for my attractive friends. I never let anyone know how much this hurts me; I always put on a smile but I can only take so much. Today, I came back from hanging out with a bunch of friends and I think my brother noticed how sad I look. He always makes fun of how plain I am but today he was like “well...you're not plain/ugly” like he actually noticed how sad I look.
I hate how this has gotten to me because I am a strong person and I don't want this to consume my life. I know I am unattractive. Please do no tell me looks do not matter or that looks are subjective or “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” We all know looks matter, especially if you are a woman. What I need help with is how to deal with being unattractive. I don't like how it makes me feel. How do I stop thinking about this, and focus on the more important things in life? Every time I think I've made progress, I see a beautiful girl at work or wherever and all the men looking at her and it reminds me “oh right...I'm still unattractive and looks still matter a lot.”
I think this also makes me paranoid because I can count on one hand the number of times men have hit on me and of those times, I'm always thinking “what does he really want?” This makes me think of possible future relationships. Am I going to forever question a guy's ulterior motives? Will I always think that he has “settled” for me?
I clearly have a ton of insecurity issues. How do I learn to accept myself?
Most Helpful Girl
Firstly, realise that being attractive is a totally subjective thing and no-one will please everyone. Although there are some that please a lot of people, everyone will feel unattractive at some point. And being 'attractive' is different to being good-looking, because it is to do with a lot of things, not just your physical appearance. Guys flirting with girls in bars is a difficult issue for friends. Sometimes, if I get hit-on a lot one night, my friend feels invisible, but the next night we go out she will get more attention and I feel like crap. I don't know how it works. It mystifies me, especially as I often get more attention when I have gone out spontaneously and look kind of a mess.
Secondly, there are NOT THAT MANY stunningly attractive people out there! So don't feel like you are the only one who is not pretty. Loads of people are unnattractive and the vast majority of the ones I know have long-term boyfriends/girlfriends.
Thirdly, you don't have to accept something so subjective and superficial about yourself if you don't like it. Don't give up on feeling attractive. Maybe you aren't the type of girl who is interested in clothes or makeup or hair, and I'm certainly not suggesting you change anything more drastic than that. But changing the way your hair is done or something can make a huge difference to your appearance and can make you feel better. In my first year of college, I became friends with a very unfortunate looking girl. She wasn't just plain, she was ugly, which sounds harsh but it was true. She was never going to be good-looking, but she also dressed herself so badly. We all went shopping and I suggested she try some outfits- and she looked so much better. Yes, she still had an unfortunate face, but suddenly you noticed that she had a good waist and had a kind of slim elegance to her. Find what your good features are (EVERYONE HAS SOME) and emphasise them. A lot of attractive people are just people who have learnt what to emphasise and what to downplay, often with help from others.
Finally, a lot of girls find it hard to trust guys and question their motives, whether they are pretty or not. It depends on past experiences, and good looks do not protect you from bad ones. I think the only way to get over this is to build up good experiences, but it takes a long time and is hard to do.
You sound like you're brave and strong. I hope you can learn to feel comfortable in yourself.