What It Means to Marry and Have Children

What It Means to Marry and Have Children

Coming from America where divorce rates are 40-50%, I see that many people do not truly understand what it means to be with someone for the rest of your life and to bear his/her children.

So I will try my best to address this issue in this myTake.

When you fall in love with someone, you must not abuse this love. By abuse I mean this: if you throw all your weight and energy into one punch, you will waste most of your energy and might not even connect (actually, you'll most likely miss as most fighters know - taekwondo red belt here), thus you are more vulnerable and more susceptible to counters against a smarter opponent.

So what should you do when you fall in love? First, don't be impulsive. Be patient and get to know that person and ALL of his/her strengths and faults. You want the person you love the most to be your absolute best friend on this planet, the person you can lean against when times are tough, the person who will hold you when you cry, the person who will even die for you. This is where many people stumble and fall - they are blinded by emotions, by weapons of mass sexiness, and temporal wealth. They are desperate for someone to be with; they are blinded by our society's obsession with losing one's virginity so that the pure and honest love becomes perverted and twisted into indulgement of one's desires, a cheap adventure indeed.

So when you find this best friend, don't let him/her go. Don't let him/her go just because you think there's a better person out there because you will NEVER find that person (if you always think there's a better person). This is why some people get back together because they realize their mistakes, thankfully.

Okay, so what about children? When you have children, all your dreams and hopes MUST go into your children. You should desire your children to surpass you, you should want them to hold the torch high up after you leave this world. They are your legacy, they are YOU after you leave this planet.

My parents absolutely loved me and placed all their hopes and dreams into me. They were refugees from Vietnam who came to America in '97 with absolutely nothing. But they worked their asses off to give me and my little sister's life today. My mother now owns a hair salon, and my father is a custodian at my high school, and we live in an affluent, white majority neighborhood (somewhat mixed with Indians, blacks, and Asians). When I graduated from high school and got into college, they were ecstatic and unbelieveably proud of me. I also am going into pharmacy school starting this Fall, and my little sister plans on becoming a surgeon.

So when you marry, marry your best friend. When you have children, have your children carry your hopes and dreams.


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What Girls Said 14

  • Good Take! I married my best friend. No kids yet but we want to provide him/her with the best life possible.

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  • Interesting opinion, and I personally have to agree for the most part.
    However, I can't agree that one must "get to know that person and ALL of his/her strengths and faults..." because really? That's not possible.
    Yes, children are important, and yes, you should take care of them. But no child appreciates an over-protective parent with extremely high expectations.
    Marriages aren't perfect, and it's alright to make mistakes.

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    • Yeah, you're right on that

    • Mistakes are not the ups and downs of marriage. They are being married for the wrong reasons to begin with under , perhaps, not suitable circumstances.

    • @ThreeMonkeys yeah i know, and I meant it as married for the wrong reason. I've never seen anything wrong with a divorce, and I've seen many people stay on good terms even after separating. Maybe I'm naive to think so, but that's how I feel.

  • great take!

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  • i liked it

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  • Great take. I enjoy reading your articles as usual.

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  • If I married my best friend, there would be no sex and no biological children.

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  • I can say I love my best friend, he's a guy, but he is a Muslim so it's a bit hard when I'm a Christian and yea, he understands and he is different than the rest of the Muslims. We decided to stay as best friends even though we like each other and want to be in a relationship but we know that religion is the one that is stopping us.
    With the way you write, I can say I agree to that but depends, its not like we have to marry our best friend too. Different people has different ways of life that God has prepared for them.

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    • Islam doesn't prevent a muslim guy from marrying a christian girl.. how can religion stop you

    • No, that's not what I meant, its like u like a guy who's a Muslim but if u gonna marry that person who is a Muslim, you have to convert to Muslim and no longer a christian

    • I've already decided to be a christian and not convert to any religion, but then I'm always in love with people who has other religion than me

  • This is one of those times where I can't really take you seriously due to your own lack of experience. You're saying a lot of nice platitudes but until you've experienced it, you really have no idea what you're talking about.
    Time changes people. Experiences change people. I was happily married for almost 12 years. It wasn't until 2 years ago that problems really arose. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will fail. Not everyone who gets divorced jumps in without thinking. Not all divorces are terrible things.

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    • Well said. You never know what is going to happen and sometimes it is a situation out of your control :)

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    • oh look, white people standing up for each other, about time

    • @sherbearee and @cocochanel cause you're funny :D

  • IF I wanted children, I wouldn't have them carry MY hopes and dreams, they should carry their own... it's the parents job to make sure they are happy, not to force them to be a legacy. If they want to go down the same path as me, then that's their choice, and their path.

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    • I don't think you should have children then to be honest.

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    • Oh, you JUST found that out? Congratulations! You graduated smart one!

    • In todays world, doe your view to be true, it is important for the kids themselves to have the right ambitions and a leveled head. Unfortunately, a lot of times kids have ridiculous ambitions and what not. Mostly because they are either distracted by the glitter and gold or they simply are too naive about how things work.

  • I getting ready to get married for the second time and I wish I had known what I know now with my first

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    • Don't worry, you'll make it this time, I believe in you!

    • I'm sure we will everything about this relationship is very different no secrets and plenty of communication

  • I disagree. I think it sets a poor example for parents to pour all their hopes and dreams into their children. Not only does this put a ton of pressure on the children to succeed, it can makes the parents resentful for not being "allowed" to pursue their own dreams.

    I think it's important to have your own independent goals in a relationship. When you meet and fall in love with someone, you had your own life and were on your own path. To change totally and give up your personal dreams and goals (whether as a spouse or a parent) makes you a different person than when you started out. It's normal to change and grow within a relationship, but abandoning who you are totally for someone else could make them fall out of love with you.

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    • Okay, so why don't you pursue your dreams and THEN have a family if you WANT? Instead of telling everyone to fuck their families up for their selfishness.

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    • pffftt, women..

    • I read this part of your opinion "When you meet and fall in love with someone, you had your own life and were on your own path." I do agree with you that you should not chane yourself or give up your dreams for your partner, but if you both lead separate lives, you two will be too independent from eachother, and the relationship will be doomed to fail. That's why you have to find someone who already follows the same goals and dreams, that way you can pursue those goals and dreams together without anyone giving up their dreams.

      I think this is where a lot of people go wrong in relationships.

  • Aww that's sweet :)

    I don't care about marriage but children... one day and if I don't. That's okay... I'm already prepping myself to own a dog one day. He//she can be my baby that i can spoil :)

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    • You can always help raise other children of course and spread the good news to people you know who will have families.

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    • That's what I meant. I'm renting from a couple. They got kids. I'm forced to babysit them when it's not my responsibility.

    • Hmmm... I see.

  • A truly wonderful take.. Thank you

    I married my one and only boyfriend last Sept. and are now desperately trying for a family.

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  • Yes, yes, yes! This is exactly my kind of view towards love and bearing families!

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What Guys Said 17

  • It means you are marrying the state and risking the woman taking every thing you own - even the children.

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    • Then YOU meet the right woman, and leave others alone to do their shit.

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    • Well gee I don't know. Yeah sure, most sheeple don't know of the full extent of the marriage problem but by informing them on what could potentially happen in a marriage - I will at least make them aware. I don't expect most to not marry at all, but they should be able to prepare for the dangers and the first step in preparing for a problem is realizing that there actually is a problem.

    • Thank you for clarifying your answer.

  • its means TRAPPED 4 LYFE BRO!!!

    jonfromkelownacanada.com/.../man-box.jpg

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  • You're totally single and not a parent. I can tell.

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    • The point he's trying to get through is that when you married, you made a promise. Keep that promise. When you have kids, you have to be there to raise them.

    • If an inexperienced man told you how to do something because that's just how he thinks it works would you believe him and wing it?

      Some things "sound good" but are completely impractical. This guy should write Romance novels not "advice columns" because there are quite a few things missing from this like the reality of hardship and how to deal with it, the reality of change not only in the self but in your partner (and how to deal with it), and the overall reality of children which is that they are individuals, not objects, and you do not weigh them down with deferred dreams; all that does is present undue pressure.

      But it does SOUND good!

  • "When you have children, have your children carry your hopes and dreams."

    What if they are crushed like mine are?

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  • Here's a thought... does it really matter? Is life quantifiably or qualitatively 'worse off' without marriage?

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  • IT is bad i sink

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  • But what's the point? You can be just as close as a married couple by simply living together and the risks of losing your belongings are the same. It's just an expensive party and a piece of paper to prove it.

    Just hold a housewarming to celebrate the fact that you're now forever together. That's just as good as a wedding.

    If I ever get children, the only "legacy" I'll put on them is evidence that my unique parenting style is appropriate. I expect them to be completely themselves, likewise I'm going to keep pursuing my dreams even as a father and I'll expect them to come up with their own hopes and dreams while I cross out "have children" on my imaginary list.

    I'm also very ashamed of my parents and I can assure you that it's a myth that as you grow up you're entitled to magically start appreciating everything they did for you.

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    • Totally agree with all points made.

    • hm... Good point. Do what you gotta do man

    • Just because your life has shaped out a certain does not mean... it would be the same for others. That been said... there are no such things as perfect parents. Every parent will make many errors ( assuming they have your best interest in mind to begin with). Question is how deeply it will impact the child... and if in that moment they are able to get help or dodge that bullet. Kids are idiots too... if you do feel something wasn't done correctly then you should have done whatever it should have taken to act otherwise and do what you wanted in life.

  • That 50% divorce statistic hasn't been true for years now.

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    • YOU FOR REAL? FUCK LIFE

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    • yes it has actually the only reason it went down to 40 percents is not because the divorce rate is going down but because the marriage rate is going down

    • @thatkaruguy It doesn't matter cause the divorce rate compared to marriage rate is still much lower now. Much more marriages are staying together instead of divorcing.

  • no, no, no.
    1. Neglect of your partner is one of the emerging reasons for breakups and cheating among families with kids. TAKE TIME FOR YOUR PARTNER!
    Treat him/her with the same excitement as you were dating. Don't relax just becaus you're married, and he/she is bound by marriage. This is when the work begins, this is when you need to constantly keep the torch of love burn brightly.
    Always obsessing over your kids WILL make that torch die.
    Make sure you got some energy to make your parnter feel loved. Get a babysitter if you have to, and go out if you have to!

    2. Your kids need to see that you're in love! Recent studdies heavily suggest that kids need to see their parents live by what i mentioned under 1. in order to actually fully understand what love is. So without it, they won't be able to properly love future partners, or are more likely to not be able to.

    3. Your kids need to find their own way! Do you have ANY idea how annoying, frustrating, damaging, and generally bad it is for the kid to be FORCED into a life bath by his parents? To be made into doing and becoming someone he or she doesn't want to? No you don't, because if you hade understoon you would've recomended supporting your kids and their dreams, instead of pushing the dreams you didn't balls up to pursue! So support and help your kids with THEIR dreams!!!

    4. Marriage is only an option when it's not needed. NEVER marry a person unless you feel logically 100% sure you two will be able to stay together all life, and work together when facing problems. Always
    That does mean being "just a couple" for some time, maybe live together before marriage, and even testing sexual compability. But overal it will increase the likehood of a stable marriage.

    How am I, a 20 yo kid able to answer for this? Easy! Because it's simple psychology, statistics, and just telling what research has shown. Might be a touch of personal experience in number 3 too.
    But point is; this isn't something i pulled out of a hat. This is reccuring conclusions in serious researches, and can't be ignored.

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    • ^^ exactly

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    • @ opinion owner - I never loved anybody yet but so many other people already have done this :-/

    • @unit1 forgetting about their partner, in advance of catering for their kid (s)?
      Yes, it is considered one of the major reasons coupled with kids fee ltheir partner is neglecting them...
      Need to constantly fuel the love, after all

  • Overall I think this is a great Take, and it is certainly an important issue. I think the biggest contributing factor is our society today. We live in a society where we indulge in a lot of instant gratification we can't wait to have the next big thing and have little patience to wait for anything in our lives, obviously some of this kind of attitude is needed in life to be productive, but in the US most especially we rush even the most important decisions that should not be rushed.

    I want to find true love, someone that can rely on me and me on them, I want us to genuinely care for each other , and be like true best friends. More than anything I hope that my dream can become my childrens dream, and if not I want to support them wholeheartedly and share with them my experience and wisdom if it will help them succeed.

    Overall tho well said and a great take.

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  • Having children means to have lost one's own life.
    Children are the worst thing that can happen to anyone,
    they change everything and it's sad to think about what some people could have been if they never had children.
    I don't plan on ever wasting my life by impregnating someone.
    However, I still dream of true love, finding the right girl to share my life with,
    but to be honest, I know that's only a dream and it will never be reality,
    just like it never became reality for most of the people I know or have heard of.

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    • Then don't have children DUH

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    • @Minxxie is that suppose to be at me?

    • Good Article.
      notcreativeguy... dude your 17 years old ! Where has this come from? Also, I want you to change your Handle to something more positive ! :)

  • This is a good Take, I really like it. I think a lot of people are too caught up on the sex and infatuation and the idea of being secure in a relationship without realising what it 'truly' means to be in a lasting relationships. It amazes me how a lot of married couples aren't friends with each other as well. Being in relationships *is* hard work! You can just throw power punches; you need to be tender and delicate whilst being firm with your blows.

    In short, if you want to marry a person because you found them attractive and they have a 'good' personality without having any idea what exactly you want to achieve in a relationship, you need to think long and hard about what you getting yourself into. I feel a lot people let the relationship carry them rather than taking control.

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  • Wonderfully thought out! I beleive there are many people jaded and comitment phobe people who could ise a reminder relationships and children can be the most wonderful things in this world!

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  • This is the real so-called "priviledge". The privilege of having parents who sacrafice a part of their life to make a better life for their children. even though the parents are sacraficing, they do it gladly and in return get joy out of the success of their children.

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  • Great Take! :)

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  • I agree with this! Nice my take :D I am looking forward to the day I get married and have kids

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  • Their may not be bars, but its a cage nonetheless.

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