This is the third installment of updates of the significant myTakes that I wrote a few years ago. I hope this is even more helpful than the original post.
We all know some guy who desperately wants to be married. The only problem is that he doesn’t have a partner who wants to marry him. These guys are waiting for the first girl who comes along and who might be willing to say “yes” or maybe even “sure, why not?” They may not be consciously aware of their plan but others see it. You know who I’m talking about.
Certainly not every guy acts out of desperation but many get married without having much dating experience. Not every marriage that begins in that fashion is doomed; my brother married the third girl he ever dated and, after 41 years, they are still together and happy (I assume.) And we ALL hear stories about couples who started dating I high school and, 112 years later, they are still together.
Conversely, some girls hear their internal clock ticking and they become desperate. Some even have a plan that they will be married by a certain age, start having babies at a certain age, etc. When they get near that self-imposed deadline, they become concerned and, I am convinced, start to lower their standards. Again, not every girl does this, but we all know girls who have gotten married and everybody secretly wondered, “Why in the hell is she going to marry THAT guy?!?!?!”
Of course, not everyone is dating to find a future spouse, but that is the ultimate goal of most people who are dating. Many will not admit it for fear of appearing to be desperate or uncool, but it is their goal. For those who want to find a future spouse, many date without having a concrete set of criteria for a marriage prospect. Girls who have criteria to screen who they will date sometimes get ridiculed for being so methodical and plodding, but if you want to get married, why should you date someone who you would never marry?
Without any set of criteria, people date whoever comes onto the playing field and they invest significant amounts of time - sometimes years - in a relationship which has no real potential for resulting in a good marriage. If a cute girl comes along and she appears to be fun, most guys will date her but why should you spend any time with her once you learn that she could never be your wife? Of course I know why that happens; the guy is hoping that he will have a sexual relationship with the girl that will satisfy his immediate needs. If that is what you want, there's nothing wrong with that, but . . . 
you are probably not ready for marriage. You can stop reading now. This set of rules is for guys and girls who are ready to find The One and settle down.
What I present below is a list of 10 rules that should help you to identify a potential lifetime partner. I am sure that you can suggest other rules to add to this list, but I think this is a good starting point.
1. Do you have a strong physical attraction to this prospect?
This alone would never be enough to make a marriage work, but it is an absolutely essential requirement in a successful marriage. After 20 years of a good marriage, your spouse should still have the ability to get you “bonified” (aroused) when she says, “You’re gonna get very lucky tonight!”
2. Do you love your partner?
Being in love is not the same thing as being in heat or being in lust. Love is that feeling that makes you want to put your partner's needs and wants at the same priority level as your own. Doing this requires the strength that comes from true, unselfish love. Marriage ceremonies frequently talk about "the two become one." This concept means that, as a married person, you should not think of "my" needs and "his" or "her" needs; you should only think of "our" needs. If you have this - "real love" - it will give you the strength to do many things in a relationship. A relationship does not survive without love.
3. Do you trust the prospect?
If they arrive late for a planned activity and provide you with an excuse, do you automatically believe what they tell you or do you have doubts? When you are in the courting phase, people are on their best behavior. Really good people will remain on their best behavior for as long as they are with you but some will start sliding into lower standards of conduct as they become more familiar with you. The point is: when you are courting, this is as good as it gets; it may stay this good or it may get worse, but it will probably not get better! Girls marry guys for whom they need to make excuses, thinking to themselves that he will grow up after he is married. Simple answer and plain truth: no, he won't! If you don't trust him now, it will not get better. Do you want to be married to someone you don't trust for the rest of your life? It does not matter how strong your marriage otherwise may be; lack of trust kills marriages.
4. Do you respect your potential spouse?
Respect is an essential ingredient in a successful relationship. Do you admire him or her? Would they be a good role model for your children? Do you brag about your mates accomplishments or do you find yourself needing to make excuses for their lack of accomplishments? Are you proud to introduce your potential mate to your family members, and especially the older family members? Your younger brother may be impressed because the new girl has really big boobs, but your parents and grandparents will be looking at her character and morals. Which do you think is more important? Hint: If you have an argument with a spouse you respect, you will not feel free to say derogatory things simply because you are angry at them. If your spouse trusts you with something that could cause even mild embarrassment, a respectful spouse does not intentionally embarrass their partner.
5. Will this person be a good biological contributor to your children's heredity?
Half of your children's DNA will come from your partner. You want your children to start life healthy and strong, right? Why give them a genetic predisposition to certain conditions that can compromise their health and life expectancy? The first four factors I discussed are absolute requirements. This factor is not an absolute and I am not suggesting that a spouse who has type II diabetes, for example, would not be a good parent. On the other hand, this is not a factor that you should simply ignore, either.
6. Does your potential spouse have enough earning potential to support a family?
Money WILL NOT buy you happiness and I would never suggest that you sell yourself to the highest bidder, but . . . if you don't have enough money to pay the mortgage, utilities, etc., your life is going to be miserable. As long as they can support a family, you should not worry about their earning potential. If you are looking for someone who is going to give you a pampered lifestyle, you are not looking for a successful marriage but, instead, a business arrangement. That will be covered in a future myTake to be entitled “Bros and Hoes!”
7. If you have children with this person and you then die, would you have confidence in them to finish raising the children?
Girls, would this guy assume the responsibility for an infant or toddler or would he ship them off to their grandparents? Is that what you would want for your kids? Don't assume that something like this couldn't happen to you. If you still cling to that childhood notion that you are invincible and you don't need to plan for worse case scenarios . . . keep taking those birth control pills, because you are not ready for parenthood.
8. Do you frequently laugh together?
Sometimes, life gives you situations where you can either laugh or cry. What kind of a choice is that? There will be tough times in any marriage, perhaps because of money concerns, perhaps because of health problems, and inevitably when you have toddlers getting into – and onto – everything and you are stressed beyond your limits. Do you enjoy hearing him or her laugh? Does that lighten your heart?
Perhaps even more important, are you comfortable enough to cry together? Intimacy in a marriage is not just about sex. It includes revealing your fears and doubts, talking about what terrifies you, and not being afraid to let your spouse see you cry. Yes, guys cry on occasion. I cried when my grandmother died. I cried when I learned that my wife wanted a divorce. I cried when she wrongfully accused me of being unfaithful. I wasn't afraid to let her see me cry. However, she is over-controlled and the only time I saw her cry was at her best friend's funeral. Her lack of emotional intimacy with me was a warning sign.
9. Do you have a significant amount of common interests?
It is okay to have some divergent interests but you should have quite a few interests in common. Your interests will change over the years but, if you begin with common interests, you are more likely to change together. Married life is more than just opening wedding gifts, having sex, having kids, and waiting for them to grow up. Part of your life will be spent on hobbies, interests, passions, pursuits, such as camping, sports, concerts, travelling, etc. Think of being married to somebody who wants to travel for weeks at a time occasionally throughout the year when you are content to sit at home and watch TV and airports make you nervous.
10. Do you know without a doubt, that you want to marry this person or do you find that you are convincing yourself that marriage is the right thing?
If it's right, you won't need convincing. If you're not positive, ask yourself if others see warning signs that you may be overlooking. Don’t ask your best friend, “Do you think I am making a mistake?” Invariably, you will hear, “That’s a decision that you must make for yourself.” Thanks a lot, BFF! Some help that is! Instead, ask “Do you think I am overlooking something?” or “If you were in my position, what is the one thing that would cause you the most concern?” Ask an older sibling. Ask a wise grandparent.
Of course, all of these thoughts and feelings should be mutual so you should ask yourself whether your mate would view you favorably when considering these factors. In fact, when you are considering marriage, it might be helpful to talk with your partner about your thoughts on each of these ten issues. What is their perspective on the level of trust that you have? Are they concerns about your children inheriting the prostate cancer that is prevalent in your family?
While many of you may not be ready for marriage now, that is probably your ultimate destination. Before you get to that point in life, now is the time to ask yourself, "Would my ideal mate see me as a good mate according to these guidelines and, if not, what do I need to do to become that person?"
Good luck!
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