Why I'm Turning Away From Marriage

This isn't being written in order to dissuade everyone from marriage, I think it's totally a personal decision and people can do what they like with their lives. However, my views have recently changed and I wished to share my reasoning.

When I was young, I never imagined my wedding day or having a family. Weddings and children never interested me, I was more interested in playing with my collectable model cars, getting scars from skating and climbing lamposts and deciphering the religion that was being forced on me. Getting married was never a goal of mine and still isn't, but for some reason, I thought it was something that would just happen and I would deal with it at the time.

So when my ex partner said he never wanted to get married, I was unsure of what to think. I wasn't totally for or against marriage but I thought it was inevitable. Part of me felt like it wasn't right and I'd sometimes hint towards marriage, but he told me he wouldn't get married, despite the fact that we felt like soul mates. I'd never been so willing to settle down and marry someone until him so I dealt with this conflict for a while. His reasonings seemed logical. He felt it was unnecessary, that you can live in harmony without being married, that marriage changes relationships, it's harder and costly if you break up etc and I soon started seeing and understanding his views. But then everything changed and it confirmed my new found perspective on marriage.

Our relationship went from perfect and indestructible, to complete ruins and cruel verbal exchanges in a matter of days. He showed me a completely different, malevolent side to him, despite feeling like I knew him after two years together. Aside from all that mess, I thought that all of this would be a lot harder and more stressful if we were married. To have an expensive contract (marriage) completely destroyed in a matter of days and having to pick up your broken heart, as well as picking up the bill of the divorce, that's some stressful stuff!
It made me realise that no matter how perfect your relationship is, it can be completely different the next day and you may not have them any more. You may think you know someone entirely, but their personality could completely change and suddenly they become a stranger to you. Looking at things with this perspective made me view marriage as a signed and sealed contract to double the heart break, high expenses and a huge amount of stress, more than you would in an average break-up.
Of course, some people have perfectly successful marriages and I'm glad they do, but I find that's a small percentage nowadays and it's a real shame. Those successful marriages are often because two people truly love and respect each other, they waited a few years of getting to know each other before making the commitment, they went into it with all the right intentions and they weren't forced into it in any way.

I think some people treat marriage as if it's a metaphorical super glue that they believe will make their relationship, loyalty and commitment permanent and indestructible. Or they go into marriage for all the wrong reasons, where love was never present, which is not the purpose of marriage. I think marriage should never be taken lightly, arranged by someone other than you or rushed into. There's so much to consider. It's also perfectly okay to choose not to get married, you should never feel forced into such a huge commitment if you're not ready or don't feel comfortable doing so.

Why I'm Turning Away From Marriage


15|4
29|40
Hannah591 is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
Who are Editors?

Join the discussion

0/2500

Submit

What Guys Said 40

  • I find it hard to believe that you never saw this person's bad side for 2 years. Were you overlooking it? You decision is person and I would not dissuade you; however, since others will read this, I thought I might throw out a thought. Marriage and family are the bedrocks of all societies; they always have and always will. I always suggest people date before deciding to settle down with someone. It takes years of dating to know who you are, what you want, and who is best for you. Men and women who latch on to others without "shopping around" often get in more trouble because of it. the thing with marriage, especially when two people make a true commitment before God, is that they try to work through he bad times because there is more than an individual's needs involved; there is an institution and a commitment. I know I am old fashioned, but I have seen this arrangement work out over a marriage of convenience or just living together. But today many young people have been raised to think primarily of the own needs in a world where what they do has nothing to do with the rest of the world. Since America's families are a shambles, for many reasons, with plenty of blame to go around, we are sinking as a nation and we are headed for some very bad times.
    Many will scoff at this, and you are free to believe what you want, but I will live this way.

    1|2
    0|0
  • So much truth here. Yeah, it just seems so risky, especially coming from my religious background where there is no such thing as divorce. So you if you picked the wrong person, you're stuck for life. No do-overs.

    Been reading this book called The Road Less Traveled. The psychologist author says that the feeling of being "in love" - which resembles a temporary form of insanity - may be nature's way of tricking us into making these lifelong commitments. Because if people really thought about it rationally, no one would ever get married. LoL.

    Think it's totally ok for you to feel this way. You are being true to yourself. But it won't be an easy path because something like 90% of people eventually get married. You'll get to watch all of your friends do it, then be left all alone. The herd mentality is strong, so many singles feel pressured to get married at this stage just to conform. Of course that can be disastrous. I still like the idea of marriage though. It's the stuff of Disney fairytales but the reality is so much uglier. But if both people are fully aware and prepared for that, then they might actually succeed.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Well first off i think its cute you thought you knew someone after only 2 years. Perhaps the reason marriages fail is less about the institution of marriage itself, but young and or dumb people rushing into it so quickly.

    3|3
    0|0
    • Two years is a fairly long time, they say you truly know someone after 3 so I knew I didn't know everything but I knew quite a lot.

  • This take makes no sense to me. You never wanted to get married nor saw the value in it so how did you turn away from it? Isn't it equally possible you don't understand its function?

    I'm not talking about legal marriage because that brings a lot of baggage along with it. I'm talking about social marriage where it's about personal commitment rather than the law. People that are in long term/permanent committed relationships are in essence married... because that's what marriage fundamentally is.

    There are those that don't like the label because of the baggage that comes with it and I can't say I necessarily blame them. But if they are seeking stable permanent relationships and refuse to get married it sounds more like a point from fear, ignorance, or deceit more than anything else (to me).

    4|2
    0|1
  • It can be just as expensive to brake up, if you have been living with someone for years and have combined incomes threw joint accounts (bank, credit cards and such) and brought property together. It gets even more complicated, if kids are involved.

    When a marriage ends in divorce, it is a lot easier to split things up between the two as their are laws in place. Common law relationships when they end, if the couple don't agree on what is who's and depending on if the state reconises common law relationships. Can be very expensive, and time consuming.

    It is the people in the relations that make it good or bad, in any relationship weather it be legal marriage or common law. When you accumulate thing together, when that relationship ends and you do not agree who get what. It can get expensive, when you break ties.

    3|0
    0|0
  • Louis CK said "marriage isn't forever, it's just for as long as you can put up with eachother, divorce is what lasts forever"

    1|1
    0|0
  • There is no good reason to get married. Plenty of good reasons for having committed relationships though.

    2|3
    5|2
  • *clap* - *clap* - *clap*

    That is a very good take you made there miss! I'm glad I'm not the only one in the world, who does not want to marry. Especially girls, who do not want either.

    Bravo!

    3|0
    0|0
  • Nothing defines love a like signed agreement with limited conditions enforced by the state.

    3|2
    0|0
  • Marriage is a big step, it's a commitment. Unfortunately many treat marriage as a fashion rather than a tradition it once was. Marriage will not change the relationship, the person will remain the same, you could grow stronger together or grow apart but bottom line acceptance is the key to a long lasting union. You can't take each other for granted and get too comfortable, that's where the problem starts... It's hard work, you have to continue dating be on point, just like when the two first met the courtship should always be there not fade away. It takes two to make the relationship work not one.

    I'm currently separated unfortunately but I've dated my wife for 10 years then got married, she put more effort planning for the wedding, not the marriage. I just happen to marry the wrong person that's all.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I'm one of those people that doesn't necessarily believe in marriage nor do I want to have any kids. I think marriage is basically just a piece of paper and being married or not doesn't change my appreciate for them in any way. Many people avoid it because they think it would be a hard thing to maintain, and that once you are married, there's no way out other than a divorce. Many people know how difficult a divorce can be; either people can lose half of their property and vice versa. If I am ever going to be married, it would have to be someone so special that she can change my mind about my family views upon marriage and kids.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I would like to get married someday but be very careful about it. I just feel like we'd get lonely without marriage. Unofficial relationships are not quite the same. However not everyone has to do it, I agree

    2|0
    0|0
  • There is more to marriage than a piece of paper and a fancy ceremony with cake. Marriage is about how you treat the other person. So you don't need that piece of paper or that fancy ceremony (unless you want the tax benefits).

    1|1
    0|0
    • exactly.

      As I tend to say, "you should only marry when both of you agree it's not necesary".
      The point? Only marry a person if both of yo uare so confident in th relationship that you are 100% sure it will last for life, even if you do not marry.

  • I agree with everything you state. But I believe we must add that divorces today are biased and almost always in favour of women. This is one more reasons turning men away from marriage. I saw this problem in my own father (yes my parents got divorced about 15 years ago).

    3|1
    1|0
  • I'm sorry you feel that feel, marriage isn't for everyone though, not everyone is cut out for it either. I do see the point you are trying to make though.

    People seem to forget though that marriage is about a lot more then love or showing it, it's a partnership it's about trust, faith and holding yourself to a higher power and set of values. To be better then you were and to finalize your relationship in the presence of The Lord.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Will you marry me?

    2|0
    0|0
  • We dated for four years and then engaged for one year. There were no surprises. We have been married for many years now. My thought was if we were going to get married anyway, it didn't matter if we were just dating for so long. But after four years it was time to move forward otherwise we may have disintegrated as there wasn't any longterm commitment. It worked for us.

    2|1
    0|0
  • This is very good. It would be cool if more women thought the way you do.

    1|1
    4|2
  • Anybody see Game of Thrones last night? Did you see the scene where the King asks "Is this the Winterfell bastard?" lol

    Marriage is about having class. Decide for yourself if being classy is right for you.

    2|0
    4|1
    • What a load of crap, about class? Yeah when you get drive through weddings it's all class!

      What a load of BS.

    • @SkateDieRepeat Are you saying that if two people decide to get married then they have to be classy? In your own opinion how is marriage about having class.

    • Did you not read the bit about Game of Thrones?

      It's all right there in the show. The family lineages and titles and all that shit. It's a depiction of all the ideals family loyalty.

      The joke is of course that I'm suggesting that we all get our values on what marriage should be from a fantasy show were people kill each other for stupid reasons.

      But it is what it is. Is it worth it to get married to spare your children the shame of being bastards? Will they even care? Who, if anyone, would care? I don't know.

      I can't shake the feeling though that the more money a person has, the less likely they'll agree with the argument put forth here.

  • I just think marriage is pushed to much by parents who are in denial with their own life's or are just scared they will die before their kids get married.

    For religious people I think it's hillarious that you never see a bride in a red dress.
    I've seen girls who even I have had sex with get married in a white dress, yet the whole wedding is like a religious ceremony. Even Christians who are the most faithful of all do it. I think marriage is a joke. I will get married, but none of the bullshit.
    I want to wait for my daughter to turn 5 so she can be a part of the wedding. I've already had comments on bastard children. All I want to do is break skulls!

    1|0
    1|2
    • Wedding = 1. governments/banks having more than one person to fuck over if you default Mortgages or business go under.
      2. a wank fest for people to throw away insane amounts of money to try "out do" the last idiots wedding they went to.
      3 girls just wanna have "their day" you always hear girls saying the wedding is "their day" not "our".
      Instead of paying for accom, catering, reception, flights, invitations, brides maides and bridal gowns, decorations, location hire and followed by a honey moon. I'll put the money towards a nice house and education for my baby girl. We can go on honey moons every time we go out.

    • Show All
    • No, dude, being married in the west in white was not done until Queen Victoria. Most commonly the wedding color was blue, but for the most part, women were married in their nicest Sunday dress and that was that. I don't have to try and sound smart, I actually know my shit, so go look it up.

    • @littleMissGriff
      So you are claiming the entire world follows the queen of England. You must be British.
      Lol Sunday dresses. Woah you are just pulling shit out of your ass, just because someone wrote it in a book doesn't make it the global standard.

  • More from Guys
    20

What Girls Said 29

  • Let's be real here. Whoever says this DEFINITELY wants to get married. You just don't want it anymore because you can't get it. I would call you a quitter.
    Get a backbone and go out there. Your ex was a jerk so you need to move on.

    Marriage is a beautiful thing to have.

    So reading your take, I cannot help but think of the Parable of the Fox and the Grapes.

    5|5
    3|0
    • I could get married. My other ex's wanted marriage. It's not about not having a back bone, it's a "choice". I could happily get married, you don't need courage, I've just decided it's not something I'm interested in doing now.

  • I like this take, you did a nice job of explaining your side without being too pushy. I'm like you, i'm not interested in having children but I would like to get married one day but it doesn't excite me and I don't feel it's a necessity for a good relationship, I also don't like the idea of a wedding/dresses/parties etc. so I understand where you're coming from with that.

    The only thing is I think people a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage, whether they're in favor of it or against it and I think it's better to just go into everything with an open mind.

    Big weddings, dresses, expensive weddings etc. are not required in order to be married, you can easily skip all of that, elope, sign some papers and there you go.

    I wouldn't base getting married or not off of the fear that someone will change, almost everyone changes through out their life, everyone wants different things at different points and you may see sides to others that you don't like anymore, that's just something people should go into all relationships expecting honestly, it's impossible to grow and get older without changing some what for most people, good or bad.

    It also doesn't have to be a very expensive agreement, just get a prenup.

    I'm not trying to make you thing differently about it, you should do whatever makes you happy but a lot of the things people have issues with about marriage, don't necessarily have to be issues in the first place so I was just pointing that out lol

    3|1
    0|1
  • Marriage isn't for everyone, and I thought the same way... until I met the man I wanted to marry, who also wanted to marry me.

    4|2
    0|0
  • "It made me realise that no matter how perfect your relationship is, it can be completely different the next day and you may not have them any more."

    People seem to think that marriage somehow means you will be in love forever and try harder than other people to stay together.

    Marriage is a mental state of mind which only married people seem to be able to dictate. Apparently their love is stronger than mere couples.

    I don't buy any of it, I was never brainwashed as a little girl to want to get married and I don't think that's going to change.

    2|0
    0|0
  • For most of my life (even tho I was married) I held most of the same thoughts as you have stated. Why make it legal, it's so much harder to get out of? I married at 18, divorced at 26, and remarried the same man at 31... now at 38, I finally "get it". Marriage isn't a magical relationship that people "just have more love" it's a lot of work! The difference is that both parties have agreed to dedicate their lives to it. Keep working, and not quit! That's the downfall of "modern" marriages, quitting. A person might seem like they changed overnight, but unless there's a mental disorder, that's not how it happens. Taking that extra step, making the commitment of marriage, should be a promise to never give up on the other person. Change is what life is all about, no one is exactly the same today, as they were yesterday. Marriage is making a commitment, your life joining to anothers. I wish I had understood what marriage really was, all those years ago! We each have our own view, an opinion. Mine used to be very much like yours, I'm glad I found a new perspective. I'm crazy happy in my marriage, and my family is thriving because of it!

    1|2
    0|0
  • Marriage isn't needed for a long term committed relationship that is based on love. love and relationship isn't related to marriage. You can live all your life with someone and don't be legally married.

    But if you want children legal Marriage is needed, for children for family and their future. if anyone doesn't understand that he or she better never get married because he doesn't know the simplest basic reasons for legal marriage.

    And If you are not the type to keep up with someone and solve the problems in a relationship and instead of trying to build and rebuild the relationship and expect him to do the same prefer to flee from the problems and every time you get into fight with someone say "He showed me a completely different, malevolent side to him", you better stay away from long term relationships not just marriage.

    Because Long term relationships is for people who
    1) first know about their own imperfections
    2) are aware that no one no single human is perfect
    3) are honest about expressing and facing their imperfections and eager to solve their problems
    4) expect the same honesty from a partner so when there is a problem there is nothing to blockade the way of solving it
    5) 1+2+3+4 = are people who are simply "Mature"

    So if you are not Mature enough to be a realist and have these traits you shouldn't seek long term relationship from the first place.

    compatibility is important but only to a certain degree. nobody will be 100% compatible with you. the rest is how you build your relationship for you.

    0|2
    0|0
  • My interpretation of this Take was that you just don't want to get married because you're scared of it getting difficult and ending in a divorce.

    Well... my views on marriage are unchanged. I still would like to get married in the future.

    5|5
    2|2
  • I agree marriage is 100% choice and people don't have to do it. It's not something people need to survive in this day and age really.

    Plus I don't see how anyone can keep up with the rings. I'm awful at losing things so I would be stressed out of my mind trying not to lose something someone else bought me that coast 100's or 1,000's of dollars, lol.

    2|0
    0|0
  • My biggest issue with marraige, especially nowadays, is that everyone plans for their divorce before it actually happens. People want out the moment things get tough. Marraige certainly isn't like it once was, so I don't blame you for not wanting it.

    Marriage is not just about a big wedding, white picket fence, a fancy dress and a good time. That little celebration you call a "wedding" is a nice waste of money. It's ONE day! When I was a kid, I always made Barbie and Ken have a big wedding and even my oversized teddy bears were in attendance, but now as a young adult, I'm understanding that it's fantasy. That doesn't mean a happy marraige or a good marraige and I think a lot of girls have this misconception that a wedding is the most important day in a women's life. We have been so consumed with this fallacy of Hollywood romance and happily ever after when indeed it's the opposite. Anybody who gets into a marraige and thinks that you're gonna be passionate about one another for 50+ years is sadly mistaken. Marraige is a job contract and too many people are getting into with the wrong idea and ending up in the divorce lawyers office.

    If you do get married, marry someone who you not only love, but who you can tolerate and see yourself with long term. People wanna marry for looks, money and sex. Looks fade, money can go and sex could also fade so what are you left with? Before I take the big step, I'd ask myself this, why am I marrying him? Can I see myself growing old with this person? Will I be able to accept our differences?

    0|2
    0|0
  • Nothing wrong with not wanting to get married and have kids. At least you have acknowledged it before you had kids and got married. If only more people were that sensible.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Thank you.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Well marriage isn't for everyone true. It does change people but its not actually getting married its the person's mindset really.

    1|1
    0|0
  • I agree, marriage isn't for everyone. But any relationship with or without a piece of paper requires a lot of work, and people do change but we all can't stay that same person we were 5 years ago right? Like you said, it's about personal choice and i have chosen to get married because i have always wanted to. I still hold onto some traditional ideals, not all but some.

    2|1
    0|0
  • I agree. Marriage does not define loyalty. People are fickle and are forever changing and evolving. It is highly unlikely that you'll stick with the same person and be happy until the end. I'm very skeptical about marriage, and i have better goals like education, getting my degrees to be certified to work in a field where i enjoy my work days, as well as fulfilling my creative dreams of becoming a writer.

    2|0
    0|0
    • I'm glad you see a life outside of marriage and kids. :) Good for you! I hope you achieve all you want.

  • well thanks for that

    0|0
    3|0
  • Nice take!

    I can't imagine myself getting married or being in a committed relationship anytime soon but I will want to in the future (late twenties or thirties). As for kids, I would rather wait until I'm 35-38 and adopt. I'm not the biggest fan of having children, so I would rather wait.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Do whatever makes you happy. There's never any rush and most people get married and start a family later nowadays. :)

  • I wish I NEVER had gotten married it was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life

    3|0
    0|0
  • You're young... To consider marriage. Things can change when you're in your 30's.. But who knows?

    0|0
    1|0
    • Oh great one of those "maybe you will change will you get older" people lol

    • @girslie why you think young people are still going to be snarky and weird and meeting horrible partners for their whole lives?

    • I'm one of those people that doesn't believe in marriage nor do I want to have any kids. There's nothing wrong with that. It would take someone really special for them to change my views upon family matters; marriage and/or kids.

  • Good take, it's well thought through

    1|0
    0|0
  • Yes! Very good points, I agree! :)

    1|0
    0|0
  • More from Girls
    9
Loading...