Boyfriend of 4 years suddenly changes his mind about marriage, why?

My Boyfriend and I, met in college 4.5 years ago. We moved in together about a year into it. We both have been on the same page of marriage and kids one day just not til were done with college. After our 4 yr anniversary, he started to change his mind about marriage, kids, and me. We took some time away from each other for him to figure things out, And he came back saying he was sorry and that he wanted me. Now 6 months after his time away, he still says that he still doesn't want to get married ever in general. I asked him if it was me or just in general and he said in general, that he wants me in his life. He comes from a family where his parents divorced both got married and divorced again, basically no good functional relationships, so I understood that he needed time to make sure I'm the one but 5 years is kind of much in my opinion. I do not know what to do or what is going on with him. In my eyes we've lived together for almost 4 years so how is it different from being married?


Most Helpful Guy

  • "how is it different from being married?" now the time is coming near it makes him feel pressured he will now be responsible for you as his wife , doesn't matter that he may be doing that in your eyes now he still feels pressure

    • I get the pressure part of it, it just sucks because he knows I want a family so to me it's like he'd rather give me up to not be married. I'd rather him say I want to get married just not right now vs. Him throw ing what we have away

    • so if your telling him "you want a family" that may be even more pressure, the way I would take that is you just want to get married so you can have a baby that's a lot of pressure if he isn't ready for a wife and baby, at tat point in yoru life he has to finally admit he's a grow up now and has all the responsibility that go with it , that's doesn't sound like something that could be real but you'd be surprised it's really hard for a lot of guys

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What Guys Said 2

  • It might be this: When you guys first dreamt about getting married, he might have thought "okay it's 4 years from now, so i don't have to worry", and agreed with you, but as the time passed it got more real and he wasn't read for it so he got scared but he didn't want you out of his life because he loves you.

  • A part of him, may not have ever wanted to get married, and as the time got closer and closer to you two actually started to get close to getting married may have caused him to start thinking harder about it until he finally realized it isn't something he believes in.

    Marriage seems more like a relationship killer to me, than something that will strengthen it. My parents were married to each other, and divorced from each other 3 times, and then they married and divorced other people as well. Calling yourself married, makes it so much easier to take the other person for granted, than working things out because you know they can leave if you don't. I have no problem being with one woman forever, but the idea of marriage frightens me, because of all the people I know that use it as an excuse to be selfish since they assume their spouse is stuck with them.

    "In my eyes we've lived together for almost 4 years so how is it different from being married?" If you really believed that you wouldn't care that you aren't married. That fact is that being married is different from living together. That level of commitment makes it harder to break up when things go really bad, which also means it is easier to take the other one for granted. Being married definitely changes things, if only because of how people perceive the level of commitment from their partner.

    • My parents are married after 28 years and getting married basically because my mother got pregnant at 18. I know marriage can work if two people agree to work at it. Trust me we've had bad times, and we've always it threw them. I just want to know one day we'll have a family and be married. I don't want to invest 10 years into a relationship just for it to end because I want marriage and a family.

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    • I want marriage because I do not want to have kids with "my baby's daddy". That's not how either one of us are raised.

    • I understand your concern about not having kids out of marriage, but do think he would be okay having kids without being married? I wonder if he just isn't ready to get married, or that he might not be ready for children, and sees that marriage will lead to children. Maybe you could talk over his concerns and figure out what exactly what part of marriage he is worried about, so the two of you can address the issues.

What Girls Said 2

  • Divorce and broken relationships can scar a person. I am very much the same and have committment issues. I like the idea of marriage but I don't believe in it. So if someone asks me if I want to get married, I will say someday that would be nice and it would be, however my fear and trust issues are way more powerful then that. Ultimately it is something that I would like but would never be able to bring myself to so it. It may sound silly but divorce around my family was traumatic and the repercussions are still going on years down the track. Don't try and force him into marriage because you may end up losing your relationship. I would never want to be forced into anything.

  • It's not. But if things change it's a lot easier to end things if you're not married.