Under what circumstances do you think no sex in a marriage is permissible? If not deserved?

Barring pregnancy or any other health-related issues, barring cheating as well.

I know it's wrong to punish your partner by withholding sex- but it's also hard to feel like wanting sex if you're very upset with your partner.

So under what circumstances do you think that you can understand WHY your partner would refuse to have sex with you for an extended period of time?

This was inspired by a dinner I went to with my parents and their friends. Apparently most of them have been sexless since the 90s. The women denied their husbands sex because they were so frustrated by how careless their husbands had been with money. One woman's husband sold her jewelry without asking her first. The women were just overwhelmed by false promises. And they no longer felt sexual towards their husbands. The men, on the other hand, felt that regardless of the situation, sex is part of marriage and it shouldn't have been taken out of the equation... But how can you have sex with someone who keeps on lying to you and disappointing you? The lack of sex for the men, I think, just made them more resentful and less considerate of their wives. So... it's a vicious circle, in my opinion.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • And these couples are still together, sounds like old Chinese people, who were forced into their marriage.
    I think it's terrible and unhealthy for the relationship as well for the children if there are any, not that they want to see their parents having sex, but it leaves a mark in their grownup lives later in life.
    A marriage should be about understanding, support and lots of affection to one another, there should be a balance if you want a successful marriage, just like everything else in life.

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    • Some of these couples had arranged marriages- like my parents. Some married out of love. I have to admit that it certainly has affected me. I don't feel like I can ever trust a man after hearing how horribly these guys treated their wives- especially after how I see my parents treat each other. Nothing seems balanced.

    • I totally understand what you are coming from and giving up hope on a good relationship. I'm just guessing here, but is a cultural inequality also playing a big part in your life?
      Even how bad things might look from your point of view, there are good men out there , many of whom who just want to be given a chance by a girl / woman who also shares their point of view. If you and the guy have the same point of view on life and even society, then you are on the first step into having a good relationship, no matter from what part of the globe your from.

    • cool, ty.

What Guys Said 14

  • The question here is how do you stay with someone who lied to you. Its one thing to make plans and have them take longer than you thought they would, its another to lie or be untruthful. Do I think them staying married for the sake of being married is a good idea? No. Do I think with holding sex is a good idea? Not really. Now mind you if you are pissed off at your s/o then sure you dont have to give up the goods. But if you are with holding for years then there is a bigger issue here. This is something that the couple need to figure out. Otherwise what exactly are they doing together? If they have kids I can bet you dollars to donuts that they know something is wrong with mom and dad.

    With holding sex because you are mad is one thing, with hold sex because you are too ignorant to communictat with your s/o is another. This kind of behavior is a bit immature and is going to lead to issues such as infidelity and fighting. Communicate, process and compromise. These couples dont sound like they are married, they sound like they are in prison sentences.

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    • I completely agree with what you wrote here. My parents are just like what I described above and I've known something was off since I was about 6-7. And it's only gotten worse from that point. They do communicate- they tell each other what they want to do, but what they want, how they want to tackle problems is COMPLETELY different. Almost opposite. It's so frustrating because they can't agree on anything.

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    • I completely agree with you. It needs to be a true partnership for it to really work. It's just really, really REALLY disheartening seeing this all the time. I feel so bitter about it.

    • You and me both dear. Im not saying everyone is out for themselves, but think its ok. I am not saying there is something wrong with knowing what you are worth, but anyone who has ever acted like they were doing me a favor found out real fast what I thought of that.

  • Agree on the vicious circle. Selling her jewelry is really extreme as well.

    If you're not being sexual without a physical barrier to being sexual and your partner isn't fine with that, you're acting like a roommate not a spouse.

    I'd basically say there are no circumstances where it's fine long term. If you are so angry that you can't imagine sleeping with your partner, you need to be working as a couple to get past that issue.

    It's a bit like saying 'is it okay to not talk to your partner if you're angry'. sort of no. Its understandable short term during a fight, but you don't decide 'i won't talk to them again'.

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    • What if the issue is... differing thought processes? How do you work on that? lol.

  • To deliberately refuse sex with a partner in marriage is a declaration of war on the marriage.
    The marriage is guaranteed to go downhill, in every way, even financially. You catch more flies with honey. You won't get more co-operation through bitterness. Even if those men started of as saints, they would no longer be. They would be more difficult to get along with, less fun to be around, and even less productive in their occupation.

    It's been proven that couples who made a conscious effort to have sex every day for a year were both happier at the end of that year.

    Those women who refused sex for 20 years are brainless.
    Any man who stayed with them is brainless. He would be better off to give up all his worldly posessions, and go off and enjoy a sex life. He probably would have owned more by now,20 years down the track, because he'd be more productive and even more likely to get promotions at work.

    I've never once refused sex in any relationship. It's a complete insult to a partner, if you tell them you don't find them attractive enough for sex. It didn't matter if I'd worked 20 hours that day, or even if I hadn't slept for 3 days.

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    • But how are you supposed to have sex with someone who has betrayed you? Why should you let someone get close to you after they've hurt you over and over? These women had no desire to share their bodies with guys who clearly didn't care about them. I'm sure some of these men had affairs anyways- yet, nothing improved for them. It's not like sex is a panacea.

    • If they've deliberately done something wrong, it's either serious enough to justify divorce (totally unforgivable and irrepairable, like a jail offence or even a hanging offence), or it's time to negotiate and get over it. Anyone who can't negotiate and resolve issues, should never get married. Anyone who expects their partner to be perfect for the rest of his/her life should never get married, and doesn't deserve marriage..

  • I think you story was pretty solid. even when married if you don't wanna have sex then you shouldn't have too:p

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    • I agree. But apparently... that only leads to a whole slew of problems lol

    • I think at that point it will depend individually on man and woman.

  • I'm sure its a pretty common thing, but here's the thing. People still retain animal instincts on certain things like food and sex. Men especially on the second. So if a man isn't getting what he wants at home, he WILL find other ways to get it. It is a vicious circle, but talking things out, re-negotiating other things, can better lead to an understanding. Having said that, if there is a reason to leave someone, cheating is probably it.

    I mean restrictions can make sense, but if you are withholding and THEN find out that your man is cheating, the fault is on the person in the mirror.

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    • But how CAN you physically have sex with someone who you can't trust? Who you fail has betrayed you? For example, my dad borrowed tens of thousands of dollars from my mom to help his business. She later learned he gave away the money to his family so that they could build a bigger house in their native country- EVEN THOUGH they have their own money... Why would she ever want to have sex with him after such a betrayal?

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    • Yah, and at that age, it can be an issue to change things a lot to go to being completely independent. Stability can count for something, but in an under 50 relationship for sure, its easy to just leave.

    • I agree... under 50... there's a chance. Over 50... it gets to be too hard to re-enter the dating world.

  • Sex in a marriage is permissible if one or both of the partners is too busy with work or other things, religious reasons or simply it's a non sexual marriage (". Asexual's often enter into marriages wherein there is romantic attraction but neither party will have desire for sex. It's not a fault in their psyche"). I don't think I could deal with a sexless marriage, it's not the same without the closeness intimacy brings. chuckwebster.com/.../surprised-baby.jpg

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    • If I were to get married- I couldn't deal with it being sexless either. These couples were just... bad together.

    • Sounds like their marriage was a arranged marriage or they got married for the wrong reasons, or I could just be wrong which is most likely.

  • she was jerked over, so jerk the person back over. These other religions and countries where the man thinks a woman is "property" needs to stop, is that why they are causing wars within the country to show how backwards their thinking is?

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    • It's not even about property per se. It's just selfishness. Men doing whatever they want.

    • its the whole culture thing, once they cross into another land, its not their land, they must abide by the laws of THAT LAND.. or go back to THEIRS

  • Instead of with holding sex - maybe those women could put more effort into getting their own job and contribute to the money situation in the household.

    Withholding sex is just a recipe for him cheating on you. No guy is going to put up with that forever. If you don't want to go all the way then at least get him off so he's getting something regularly.

    It is downward spiral circle.

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    • These women DO have jobs. It's not like they're sitting there doing nothing... A man may not put up with no sex- but a woman shouldn't have to put up with such incompetence and dishonesty either.

  • Pretty much zero. That's like asking, "when is it permissible for a man to quit his job and just play xbox 360 24/7 while expecting his wife to support him?" Pretty much never.

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    • You're assuming that these women don't work. They do. It isn't a woman's JOB to open her legs for her husband whenever he wishes.

    • It also isn't a man's JOB to just chit chat about her day, or go shopping with her, or help fix up the apartment/house, or buy her something nice on Valentine's day and take her to a nice restaurant on their anniversary. Yet it's part of life, and expected. Just as a woman who isn't a complete asshole will make sure she has enough sex with her husband he's happy.

      Eating creates appetite, you know.

    • But they didn't even expect that... these are immigrant women. Not Americans who were born and raised here in the US. All they wanted were men who could pay the bills on the time, who wouldn't enter risky financial games... Their expectations were low, in my opinion. And yet, still unmet.

  • I thought getting married was what a couple did when they no longer wanted to have sex.

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  • I don't think it's wrong or they're wrong for feeling that way. I would just gtfo of there.

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    • I wish they did. I keep begging my mom to get a divorce but she doesn't want to because she thinks it'll look bad on them- also... neither are proactive about leaving each other at this point. My dad is almost 65, my mom is 60. No second marriages for them

    • Yeah some people really care about that social script. Oh well :/

  • Yeah sex is the strong weapon a girl can withhold to punish men. It's like trying to snatch drug away from a drug addict person which makes him crazy and weep.
    But men however find their ways to have intimacy. And that intimacy could be achieved from any women...

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    • But look at these women's reasoning... they just wanted people they could trust. I agree that men might cheat in the situation... but I think it's a situation that they largely created on their own. Being honest and sincere wouldn't have resulted in this mess.

  • I think if you rationally think you should withhold sex, your relationship is dead anyway

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    • I think most people don't think about it- it just happens. Why share your body with someone you feel you cannot trust?

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    • I see. Which country are you from?

    • My parents are from Bangladesh, I was born and raised in the US.

What Girls Said 6

  • if i'm upset with him, i won't be having sex with him until the issue gets resolved and i'm happy again. You can't force me to have sex with you and if you feel like you need to get it somewhere else then gone do that shit then.

    I wish a dude would sell my shit without asking then expect me to lay down with him that same night smh. Some of these husbands are way too entitled. You can't treat people like shit then expect sex afterwards because "it's her duty" and she shouldn't "withhold sex" from me. That's so selfish and disrespectful

    Is sex a reward system? No. it's fun and sexy. But you can't do foul shit to someone and then demand sex at nighttime dont work like that

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  • Oh it's very necessary... Would you reward a dog for going in the house or how about saying I'm proud of you to your child if (s) he failed a test.

    Sex is a reward system and both of you have to deserve it.

    But I will admit that many females do abuse the system. Like if your husband put his hands on you or cheated then of course you're not going to reward him.
    But many times women abuse their power if they're husband doesn't agree with them which is pretty petty...

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    • I agree with you. It seems to be a reward system and one that can get easily abused.

  • no sex in a marriage? here's my reaction lol
    www.di-ve.com/.../Orgasm-Title.jpg

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  • If the partner has cheated on you and you won't have sex with him/her before he/she gets tested that there is no STDs

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    • I specified no cheating :p

  • Because married woman know that sex is their biggest weapon.

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  • Not sure. I don't have a huge sex drive so for me, lots of sex would be like 2-3 times a week, but to a lot of people, I assume that'd be way too little and would make them think I were denying them "for an extended period of time."

    Work related stress would make me less likely to have sex. I relieve stress from work by sleeping/working out. Not sexually.

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    • Very few people would consider that denying them for an extended period of time.

      Once a week is about average for married couples.

      A significant minority are having sex fewer then 10 times a year.

    • The ideal amount of sex for me would be like once a week. Or once every two weeks. But I literally have no sex drive. It's a problem :p

    • Hmmm. I agree about how work-related stress would make me less likely to have sex. I just hope that whoever the guy is doesn't take that personally- though... he probably would. And it would turn into a shitfest :p

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