How do I keep my husband happy? Honest answers please?

I'm a newlywed. Been married for 9 months and our relationship has changed so much since the wedding. He says he is unhappy with our sex life and wishes we had more. Ideally he would like it a few times a day. I heard that's even normal for newlyweds. But I can't even seem to want it once a day. We argue a lot too. He tells me all our arguments are my fault because I get so emotional and I'm selfish. It's really hard not to cry or get an attitude when my feelings are hurt or I am annoyed. I can't seem to have an adult conversation when I'm upset. How do I keep my emotions in check? He's growing more and more distant emotionally and I'm afraid of losing him. I want him to be happy and even if it's selfish I want me to be the one to make him happy. I'm having a hard time understanding men. And before anyone talks down my husband, he is the most caring man I have ever met, he's helped me through so much in life and loves me with every inch of his soul, I can see it in his eyes. I'm the selfish one here. Give helpful advice. Not "get a divorce".


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's pretty clear from here that you need some marriage counseling and now! These are all issues that new couples deal with, some with more stress than others. This is all normal stuff. He needs to learn more about how to deal with a female partner and not just his naughty little sexy wench. You need to learn to not take everything so personally and take a step back. Give your logical brain a chance to engage.

    Godspeed!!

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    • Thank you. I needed to hear that. "not take everything so personally"

    • It's relieving to hear that these are normal things. I am definitely gonna consider marriage counseling.

    • I'm following you. Please follow me and we'll message. Take this out of the public eye.

What Guys Said 8

  • Sex several times a day is too much, I don't care what anyone says, that isn't normal. Nothing wrong with it, but not usual behavior. Even every day is a bit much for me, I need a "recharge" day in between. 2-3 times a week would be perfect for me. I have to ask, how long where you two having sex before the marriage? How long have you know each other and dated before you got married?

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    • Well, if you don't care what anyone says, who are you to say its not normal? The majority of guys would like sex 2 to 3 times a day. But the majority of women don't. So it creates a conflict. Women say, oh he can just jerk off until I'm ready for him. Sure he can masturbate as much as he'd like, but I'm pretty sure he wants to have sex more than masturbate. And isn't that a selfish way of thinking for women? It's like they hold the full power in their sex life? Sex isn't something you should just giveth and taketh away as you please. I don't want to be that woman. Men hate that. So I want our sex drives to match so one of us doesn't always feel frustrated. I'm trying to figure out how to give him what he wants. More sex. I need to raise my sex drive

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    • Sounds like you are living in the real world now! Sucks to have to work everyday, doesn't it? Sucks to come home tired, super to make, clothes to wash, cleaning to do, and so on. This is what we do, wake up sex! We work and are tired at night. We also have sports and other activities during the week and it is too hard to get together for sex every day. We have sex after a nap or a sleep. To help get the sex drive up, I will sleep naked and she will wear some lingerie, nothing too fancy, just some satin panties and camisole top. Then we spoon together and have sex after wards. Shower sex is another way combine regular daily activities with sex. Other times at the end of the day we just exchange oral with each other. I admire your desire for more sex, but there comes a point where multiple sessions a day, in my opinion, is just impossible for regular working couples. I think you are only going get more frustrated. Good luck.

    • Thank you. Giving me insight into what you and your wife do helps. I will take everything I've heard and try to be the best wife I can be to my husband.

  • Feed him, Fuck him, and be his friend. The keys to a happy husband.

    Why don't you want sex as much?

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    • I definitely want to cook him something. It's been a month or more since we ate at home. Just have a super busy life with college, work, and were also starting a business so our schedules have been hectic. A nice hot plate of home cooked food should make him happy.

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    • Well you can't make him uncircumcised. So you have to deal with that as it is. Change your BC, see if that helps. Make sure you use plenty of lube so it may guard against tearing. The bottom line is that this lack of sex will destroy your marriage. Point blank. So figure out things to try to work through that issue.

    • Yes, I agree, sex is super important. Thanks for the straightforward advice.

  • I have heard that women can become aroused with certain things like massages. Tell him to massage you before doing it. Then maybe you will feel more eager to have sex with him. Multiple times a day seems a little much, but maybe you can manage to do it a couple of times a week. As for your arguments try raising your voice as little as possible. When the argument is over you could try saying some nice words to him.

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    • Thank you this was very helpful. We already do have see like. 3 times a week. I'm trying to least have sex once a day. I've been looking up things to increase a female's sex drive. The massage thing doesn't seem too bad. Thanks for the tip :)

    • Also don't be afraid to tell him when you are not quite ready to have sex at the moment. You won't do yourself or him any good by having sex which you are not really enjoying.

  • Give him space and freedom. Be creative and open to try new things sexually. It's important to say what you want and hear what he wants, everything in marriage has to be give and take. Try to communicate better in order to avoid flights. Mutual respect is extremely important. If you can't put your emotions under control during arguments, it's better not to talk until later. Good luck

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  • Having sex several times a day is NOT normal. The national average is like 2-3 times a week. For newlyweds, I would expect something like once every day, perhaps twice on some days. Your husband is just being selfish.

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    • He is not being selfish. The only reason that's the national average is because we live in a feminazi society where women hold all power in the relationship. She chooses when they have sex. Which is only a few times a week or month. He is unhappy. But doesn't say anything cause he gets labeled as "selfish". He keeps it to himself because he cares about her happiness. But what about his happiness? Doesn't seem like she cares about that does she? In this society its like the husbands care about their wife and the wives care about themselves. Who cares about the husband? He has needs and wants to be cared for as well. I'm trying to break that cycle. It's 2014. It angers me that this kind of thinking still goes on.

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    • Women should have full control over their bodies but when it comes to a relationship they shouldn't have full control over both bodies. A lot of women these days have their mans testicles in a trophy case. They withhold sex as a bargaining tool to get what they want. Or if they are mad, no sex for a week and he has to sleep on the couch. But when its the other way around a man would never subject a woman to those punishments. Men love to put women on pedestals and that's fine as long as you put yourself on a pedestal too.

    • If women controlling their own bodies amounts to controlling two bodies, then they would need to avoid controlling two bodies by not controlling their own body, which means that men would be in control of their bodies, but then men would be in control of two bodies. If men are in control of two bodies and women are not, then they cease to be equals. The only way they can be equals in that situation is for them both to control two bodies, but that's not possible. Ergo, the only way it is possible for men and women to be equals in this situation is for them to control their own bodies and not allow anyone to override their control. That's the only way that equality is possible.

  • Soon enough, he won't think about you everyday, & he may even forget to mention your name as he pray. Soon enough, he'll be able to survive if someone manages to steal you away. And when the time comes, you'll forget to tell each other "Happy birthday" and (hopefully) soon enough, he'll forget why he ever loved you in the first place. (but in the meantime) soon enough is a lifetime away... don't try so hard, let him do it instead.

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    • What does this even mean? That were doomed? Say what you mean please instead of a long story.

  • Marriage counseling. I really suggest it. However, maybe if y'all expressed your communication better?

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    • I think he really tries to communicate, and I do too, but I feel like we never come across the right way. It's like men and women speak different languages.
      We do still have our pastor. She is like our marriage counselor. She is amazing so that probably isn't a bad idea.

  • Make sure you never let go of your weight. Always put in effort to look your best.

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    • Yeah, we both have gained some weight since we got married and I'm eating better and going to the gym whenever I get a chance. I went last night even though I was tired. I'm determined to get fit. Not only for him but for myself.

What Girls Said 5

  • your not selfish i think he should communicate with you more on what is bothering him some guys like to keep stuff to them self when there upset stress or down marriage counseling won't help as much there fore everyone goes threw this and why waste money on a person who doesn't know you guys the way you both do you guys need to try new things and try taking turns doing stuff each other likes and trying new sex things i think you guys should go to a sex shop and let him choose the things that he would like to try well you both would like to try and take him with you to lingerie stores enjoy your marriage again i wouldn't worry because i can tell by what you said he loves you threw better or worse even sex books will help it seems like both of you guys maybe stressed out and not have much time to relax with each other or just in general maybe a vacation some where will help or just a romantic dinner some where new or do the things you guys did before together when u guys first met with each other again ik for a fact your husband loves you and would only want to fix this and be with you forever everyone goes threw this so your not alone just avoid arguments because u both love each other and don't wanna loose each other to a argument so i would avoid conflict i don't think your emotional i think your worried about your marriage like any girl would but you have nothing to worry about because he married you and fell in love with you for many reasons but make everyday about something new and exciting so you both have new things to look forward to weather its redecorating the house giving him a man cave, throw him a guys night out and invite his friends and let him have a night out of fun try new recipes to cook at home everything will be fine your much stronger then what you think girly

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  • To be honest, from this post it sounds as though you two are just not compatible. You may be compatible in some ways, but as a whole it seems as though it is not working.
    You should not have to change yourself, or have to hide your emotions from the person you're married to.
    Do you think that you perhaps got married too soon? It seems like a lot of this could have been discovered before you got married. For example, your sexual incompatibility. Were you two trying to work through this before the wedding? Or did your sex drive just drop after you got married?
    You say you want honest answers, yet you don't want people telling you to get a divorce. You've only been married 9 months and you're already having so many problems, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
    My advice would be to take a break from each other, even just a week apart to really think about the relationship and if you two have a future together.

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    • First of all don't insult my relationship. You sound like a really immature person that doesn't need to be on this website. That's for sure. You have no clue what you're talking about. People are not "meant" for each other. This isn't Disney Channel. Relationships take hard work. Studies show that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. It's the adjustment period. I suggest you change your attitude or else you will never find yourself in a successful relationship. There actually isn't such a thing as sexual compatibility and this I known for a fact after talking to counselors. The chances of two people wanting sex at the exact same time all the time is unrealistic. Maybe you should learn how to read before you respond because I specifically said I do not appreciate responses like this. And I find them insulting. Good luck with all of your divorces in the future and your shallow attitude. Relationships require work, you don't just toss them to the side.

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    • You may not have meant to come across that way. But it was very rude for you to tell me that I may need to get a divorce when I just got married, on a issue that's very common for newlyweds. You came off very uneducated. Getting a divorce is not advice, its calling it quits. I specifically said that type of response would NOT be appreciated. We have great communication. I just wanted the advice of other men. This website is called girls ask guys after all. Just by your response again I can tell you have a very young way of thinking. You say to get a divorce but your reasons for doing so are petty. Not because of cheating or domestic violence. But because of sexual incompatibility or "growing distant." This isn't high school. Also you're not entitled to your opinion if there are facts counting against you. Men naturally have a higher sex drive than women. So the man will always want more sex. I feel strongly about divorce and specifically asked you not to go there. So sorry

    • Well, to be perfectly honest, it is quite clear who is "uneducated," "has a young way of thinking," and is "immature" simply from reading our conversation (including your initial question). I never once said that my advice for you was to get a divorce, which you would have seen from reading my responses. My advice was to take a week to yourself to think clearly about the relationship as a first step.
      I will leave this comment as my last response, and I urge you to do the same. I still wish you the best of luck in your future and your marriage.

  • EVERY couple goes through this state. Now its up to you guys what you make of it. Work on yourself. If you dont want sex, doesn't really matter, please him. Not all day long but once a day can't hurt. Sex is a very importent aspect of a healthy relationship.
    Also, ask yourself why did your relationship change? Work on yourself and your emotions.
    Marriage should be forever. So think of it as forever and be the best wife you can.

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    • Thank you so much, very positive advice :)

    • Really, i just had the same problems when it was about being too emotional, taking everything wrong and jumping into conclusions. Until the point came when my fiance said that we have more arguments then anything else and that makes him worry.
      Thats when my alarm rings went on cause there's nothing more im afraid of then him being unhappy and leaving me. That made me want to be the best I can be cause he deserves. So does your husband from what you say.

      Every time you're about to get into your old behavior think about he will leave you if you won't stop. Just be happy. Think of it as its your last day together, every day. Love him without conditions and surprise him with lots of love. Sexually too. Even if you are not in the mood, act like you want him so bad. Men need that. And if you really dont want, well, give him some mouth action. Thats what I do.
      Just try to please each other in every aspect

    • Yeah I see, thank you again, it feels good not to be the only one who has had this problem and that it can be fixed :-)

  • I would suggest counseling, learn how to listen to each other without arguing. Stress tends to turn women off from sex. Even if you yourself starts counseling by yourself to figure out why you have little intrest in sex with the man you chose to spend your life with. Good luck.

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  • Try sitting next to each other, talking about likes and dislikes of urs and his in sex and things u both wanna try together. Watch more p*rn movies togethr. Try phone sex first before actually having sex. It always works;)

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    • We have good communication in our sex life, that's the only reason I know he's unhappy. And we've done that but watching p*rn doesn't do anything for me. It does plenty for him though. We are together most of the time so there's never really a chance for phone sex but ill see what I can do.

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    • Get naughty n phone sex is d best way to use ur creativity lols. Good luck.

    • Thank you lol

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