After "me or the dog" ultimatum: what do I do now?

I posted last week about how I can't live with my husband's horribly trained dog any more. it's been 3 years and my husband has done nothing to improve the dog's behavior. I'm 7 months pregnant and I finally asked him to take the dog to live with his mother (an arrangement she has said she'd be fine with). he took the dog but ignored me all weekend and slammed a door in my face when I tried to talk to him. I am staying with a friend, but my husband has not contacted me at all. How long do I wait this out? He clearly resents me for making the dog go, but it had been three years of asking for change and seeing none, so I resent him too. I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon (which I always intended to go to alone,) but he hasn't even contacted me to ask how it went (everything is fine). I need to go home and grab more clothes but I'm not sure what to do now. Do i stay away and give him time? Do I move back into our home?
just a recap: the dog has knocked me over twice, he jumps, he claws, he snaps at your face, he begs, etc. and my husband rewards this behavior instead of correcting it. I'm "mean" and the bad guy for trying to train him. His dog came before me, but I don't want an untrained rambunctius dog around our baby. He's scratched me pretty badly and I don't want him to scratch the baby or knock him out of my arms or something. he also likes to snap at things below him (like if he's standing and you're lying on the ground, he will snap at your face). I tried to teach basic obenience for 3 years to no avail. it was all undone by my husband.

  • Stay away until he contacts you
    38% (6)40% (2)38% (8)Vote
  • Move home and try to talk again (even though he slammed a door in my face last time I tried)
    12% (2)20% (1)14% (3)Vote
  • Move home and wait for him to talk to me
    50% (8)40% (2)48% (10)Vote
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Updates:
so essentially: i gave the "me or the dog" ultimatum. he picked me, but refuses to talk to me and is acting angry and passive aggressive.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Considering that his dog was part of his life before you were, i think it would be retarded to divorce him over this. I mean I've been reading the comments, and it sounds like you've practically got the divorce papers ready. I'm not sure who counselled you before you before you got married, but in case no one told you this... marriage is HARD. You don't just jump into it and start sailing on clouds. A good marriage takes some work, and actual effort.

    From what I see here, I'm not convinced that both of you put in enough effort here. I believe you when you say that the dog is a mess, and that he probably enables it. But when you say things like he's contributed nothing to your relationship, i really don't buy it. But in terms of this dog, my suggestion would be (assuming that you actually love this guy and aren't wasting people's time here by making us think that there's a possibility that you won't divorce him) to offer up a sacrifice of your own, to show that you are in it with him, not against him. Using your pregnancy as a bargaining chip to have things done your way 100% won't convince him to actually do it. People generally like to be seen and treated like an equal, and so you can't talk down to him like a sub human because he has a love for his dog that you don't understand.

    Ultimately, i believe your son, and your family in general is more important than the dog, and change does need to happen. But you need to bring about this change in a responsible manner. Stop looking to him and thinking "fuck this guy, let him come to me, let him make the first move... im not sacrificing anything, and i dont want him to get everything he wants." This is 2nd grade playground talk. As i stated above, find something of equal importance to you as his dog is, and offer to give it up if he takes the dog to his mothers place. If he agrees, then i would get some counselling, because it sounds like you two need it...

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    • yes marriage is hard and BOTH people have to work. he has been ignoring my requests for help with HIS dog for three years. i never said he contributed nothing to our relationship but he has not contributed anything towards the care of HIS dog apart from one walk a day. If he had taken my complaints and requests and pleas into account and treated my like an equal after three years of asking, perhaps I wouldn't feel the need to finally put my foot down on this one issue. I have also tried to talk to him since I asked the dog to leave and he has refused to speak to me thusfar.

What Guys Said 4

  • My suggestion is that you go get the dog, take it to a professional trainer, and once the behavior is corrected, bring the dog back into the home. He loves his dog and you've taken that from him. Make the ultimate sacrifice and give it back. Put in the work he himself has neglected to do and show him that you love him more then you hate the dog.

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    • p. s. just out of curiosity... what kind of dog is it?

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    • i'm calling BS on the "fall on hard times" part. we didn't lose our jobs, we didn't have a death in the family. all that happened is that after 3 years of not training his dog, it moved.7 miles away to his mother's house. if a hiccup caused by his own inaction is enough for him to act like this, then it's his devotion I question. maybe we don't belong together. I'm questioning that now.

    • You're just as proud and hard headed as you claim your husband is... seek professional counseling for yourself and your marriage. This anger you're carrying around is incredibly unhealthy and you're projecting it outwards in your communication with others.

  • You need to get it through your husband's thick skull that the dog must be trained. Emphasize that it is for the safety of y'all's baby. Suggest a boarding school that trains dogs to him?

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    • he thinks his "good boy" can do no wrong because he finds it cute that he's energetic etc. He's aesthetically a beautiful dog, but a horribly behaved one. He thinks I'm overreacting about the baby's safety because we will never leave them unattended, but I am beyond the end of my rope with the dog in general. I do not want him in my home any longer. I suggested and suggested for three years. no more chances.

    • I can't help but think there is more you can do convince your husband that the dog needs training. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here that he's not THAT stubborn or naive.

    • his views on proper dog behavior are very different than mine. his family all think the dog is great. he is also very prideful and very stubborn.

  • Dogs just do that, and if the dog is older than 1.5 years old, its very hard to train, dogs will always beg, dogs always push past people, I'm surprised he only did it twice, also, dogs are smarter than you think, they won't do things like that around a baby because they will treat it as if it was a "pup" in the pack ( aka the household )

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    • he was a rescue and we believe he is about 6 years old, but can't be sure. I'm usually good about getting out of his way and he's jumped countless times, but he's only knocked me down twice since i've been pregnant (different center of gravity) well I'm in the pack and he does it to me. and he's knocked over my nieces and nephew and done the snapping thing to them as well.

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    • It's not hard to train dogs if you know how to do it right. Most people fail at dog training though.

    • so it's not hard, and yet most people fail? got it.

  • If you would ask me that, i would immediately reply:"The dog" and kick you out in seconds.

    Man's best friend.

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    • over your pregnant wife? even after you didn't train it/take care of it at all apart from one walk a day for three years? he's still more important than the woman you married and decided to have a family with?

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    • wow. that's all you got from my comment? I mean that if he chooses the dog, our marriage will be over. Hence no more sex... or anything else that comes with a relationship. I HAVE talked to him for THREE YEARS and he has ignored me. you are making an absurd number of assumptions and none of them are accurate. I don't give a shit about telling him what you say on here... I was looking for advice on how to progress from here. Your advice is clearly that i'm not worth it. message received. i don't need to hear anything else from you. and as to why I am not talking to him currently it is because he is not talking to me and when i tried to talk to him, he slammed a door in my face. and i am at WORK at 11:00 on a tuesday... like and ADULT.

    • Lol, as you wish.

What Girls Said 9

  • A lot of people feel deep connections, similar to those with family members, with their pets. Think about it like this, imagine having a roomate who was your best friend. They love to be with you, they rely on you, they always agree with you, and they never let you down. That's what his dog was to him. Pets are the perfect friends because their only job is to be a companion to their owners. I understand that you don't want your baby growing up with such a rambunctious dog around, but sending the dog away probably hurt him a lot more than you can imagine. I think you and your husband need to have a serious talk. Explain to him that if he wants the dog to stay at home then he has to train it to be more gentle. Their are actually some easy techniques to training dogs not to jump and to be more calm. Maybe instead of you trying to train him alone, sign the dog up for obedience classes but both you and your husband go together.

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    • and him ignoring my pleas for help in training the dog has hurt me more than he can imagine. I have had that serious talk more times than i can count. nothing changes. Money is too tight with the baby coming to do obedience classes now. the time for that has come and gone and he didn't act!

  • Have you ever tried training the dog yourself? I know you said you don't have money for a professional trainer but you can always do it yourself and it would actually probably be better rather than sending the dog to a stranger. There's all sorts of info online about dog training that you can use. There's also a ton of info about different conditioning strategies that can always be applied to dogs.

    I don't see any reason why you can't make things work. Like someone else said too, dogs are usually very careful around babies. They understand that they're small and fragile.

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    • I guess you did try to train him yourself. Unfortunately your husband doesn't seem to see the dog as a problem the way you do. You could try applying the conditioning methods to your husband to get him to act better with the dog and not reinforce the things that bother you. Then after that's taken care of, go back to training the dog. In any case, I don't think staying with your friends will help matters. I think you should go home and just wait for him to come around. He will after awhile.

    • I've been home for days. he still won't speak to me.

  • At first I thought you were exaggerating the dog's bad behaviour, but now, seeing your concerns about how the dog may pose a threat to your baby, I completely support your viewpoint. Did you tell your husband that reason, because if you did, I don't see how he could be okay with potentially jeopardizing the safety of your child in that way.
    If you do return home, for clothes or whatever, I'd try to sit down and talk with him again, clearly explaining your reasoning. If he still doesn't listen, you have to do what's best for the baby, not coddle him and his little pet.

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    • i have told him and he thinks i'm overreacting as long as we watch them together constantly. but he jumps up on me all the time! he has knocked me over when he wanted some hamburger meat in my hand and has scratched me when I'm holding things because i cannot get out of his way fast enough. if I was holding the baby, that would be a serious problem. what if we were at the top of the stairs? he doesn't see the dog behavior as a problem, so i'm the bad guy. my husband likes roughhousing with the dog so he's always strung up and whines or scratches all of the time for attention when he's not asleep. he's the freaking energizer bunny. we can't watch him 24/7. the dog has knocked over my nieces and nephew when they visited and no one was hurt and the dog didn't mean any harm, but it's not just the thought that counts here.

    • Watch the dog together constantly? Your husband is incredibly naive if he thinks that's going to happen; having a baby and caring for a newborn is exhausting and time-consuming. You'll be ridiculously tired and won't be able to provide around the clock supervision for your kid, let alone this dog. I say sit him down one last time, outline exactly what you told us here, and tell him that this is something you absolutely are not willing to compromise on. Offer to sign the dog up for obedience classes, and attend together. That way, your husband gets to spend time with his dog and see you positively interacting with him too, to defuse some hostility he may be feeling towards you. As for his childish behaviour so far, let him know that you're bringing this baby into the world together, and while you may have problems, you could really use his love and support right now. It is his baby too, so appeal to that nature.

    • we cannot afford any kind of classes at this point with the baby coming. I have tried to get him to do obedience classes with me for years. when we first moved in, i went to one with the dog because he wasn't used to living with me too, but hubby undid much of the training by spoiling him and coddling him. after i explained my reasoning he just said "fine" and took the dog to his mom's right away. He went golfing on Saturday with his buddies and on Sunday when i tried to approach him again he yelled "i heard you!" and slammed the door in my face. I packed a small bag and we havent' spoken since.

  • Go home and wait for him to get over it or nicely and calmly explain how you feel about the dog being dangerous to your baby.

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    • going home now. hoping he'll listen.

  • If he thinks a stupid mutt can be more important than his wife and unborn child, you really have to sort out a few things.

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    • I'm not siding with her husband, but the mere fact that you called his dog a "stupid mutt" discredits your opinion on this topic.

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    • I side with @rthomas43. Very immature way of looking at the situation.

    • "Poorly trained canine" would have been more accurate.

  • I agree with you 100%. Now you should move home and de dog your home tidy everything up the way it needs to be. He'll either come around or he won't but at least you'll know your home is clean safe and comfortable for all of you. Dog owners always forget their dog is an animal and should be treated loved and trained as such. If they don't they failed the animal and can't expect others to pay for that failure.

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  • Normally I don't believe in ultimatums when it comes to pets, but I understand your point of view for this. I think you should go home and talk to him about it. I don't think he is going to contact you. He's already be passive aggressive as it is. I think avoiding him is going to make things worse. I have to wonder how old he is if he is willing to pick the dog over his wife and child. I have a cat that I love, and no man will come between us but if it turned out my cat attacked my kid or my kid was allergic than the cat would have to go. I think he's being an idiot. It's not like you're complaining that you just simply don't like the dog. You have a legit reason for not wanting the dog around.

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    • I have tried to talk to him. the first time he slammed a door in my face, when i tried last night, he just turned up the tv and ignored me. I'm honestly debating how long i'm going to live with this before leaving for good. we are both 26.

    • If he's going to continue to be childish, I would say that's the best. He seems pathetic to be honest. I get loving a pet, but the wife and child should always come first.

  • He is so irresponsible. Basically putting his child in danger. What when the dog bites the childs face, arms, jumps on it etc. Is he okay with that? He should have trained the dog, so it didn't have to go. He have no one to blame, but himself. You are the one, who acted like a responsible parent.

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    • and it looks like i might lose my marriage over the damned dog.

    • If he puts a potentially dangerous dog, over his wife and child, then there is something wrong with him.

    • and if that is what he chooses to do by continuing to ignore me and act aggressively when I try to talk to him, I am prepared to let him go.

  • Just get over it. Sorry, you took on the responsibility of the dog just as you are taking on the responsibility of motherhood. You just going to get rid of your kid when it acts up. Follow through on your commitments.

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    • i never made a commitment to the dog. it is his dog. i meant it when i said it's me or the dog. I wont' keep my child in the house with it if it's not trained. my child comes first.

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    • and your opinion based on the "Shred" of info is that i should suck it up and that i'm just being a drama queen? your powers of comprehension and deductive reasoning are staggering.

    • At this point I don't think G@G is going to help your situation. Maybe some marriage counseling.

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