After "me or the dog" ultimatum: what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

I posted last week about how I can't live with my husband's horribly trained dog any more. it's been 3 years and my husband has done nothing to improve the dog's behavior. I'm 7 months pregnant and I finally asked him to take the dog to live with his mother (an arrangement she has said she'd be fine with). he took the dog but ignored me all weekend and slammed a door in my face when I tried to talk to him. I am staying with a friend, but my husband has not contacted me at all. How long do I wait this out? He clearly resents me for making the dog go, but it had been three years of asking for change and seeing none, so I resent him too. I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon (which I always intended to go to alone,) but he hasn't even contacted me to ask how it went (everything is fine). I need to go home and grab more clothes but I'm not sure what to do now. Do i stay away and give him time? Do I move back into our home?
just a recap: the dog has knocked me over twice, he jumps, he claws, he snaps at your face, he begs, etc. and my husband rewards this behavior instead of correcting it. I'm "mean" and the bad guy for trying to train him. His dog came before me, but I don't want an untrained rambunctius dog around our baby. He's scratched me pretty badly and I don't want him to scratch the baby or knock him out of my arms or something. he also likes to snap at things below him (like if he's standing and you're lying on the ground, he will snap at your face). I tried to teach basic obenience for 3 years to no avail. it was all undone by my husband.

Stay away until he contacts you

Move home and try to talk again (even though he slammed a door in my face last time I tried)

Move home and wait for him to talk to me

Updates

+1 y

so essentially: i gave the "me or the dog" ultimatum. he picked me, but refuses to talk to me and is acting angry and passive aggressive.

[Negrodamus]

Considering that his dog was part of his life before you were, i think it would be retarded to divorce him over this. I mean I've been reading the comments, and it sounds like you've practically got the divorce papers ready. I'm not sure who counselled you before you before you got married, but in case no one told you this... marriage is HARD. You don't just jump into it and start sailing on clouds. A good marriage takes some work, and actual effort.

From what I see here, I'm not convinced that both of you put in enough effort here. I believe you when you say that the dog is a mess, and that he probably enables it. But when you say things like he's contributed nothing to your relationship, i really don't buy it. But in terms of this dog, my suggestion would be (assuming that you actually love this guy and aren't wasting people's time here by making us think that there's a possibility that you won't divorce him) to offer up a sacrifice of your own, to show that you are in it with him, not against him. Using your pregnancy as a bargaining chip to have things done your way 100% won't convince him to actually do it. People generally like to be seen and treated like an equal, and so you can't talk down to him like a sub human because he has a love for his dog that you don't understand.

Ultimately, i believe your son, and your family in general is more important than the dog, and change does need to happen. But you need to bring about this change in a responsible manner. Stop looking to him and thinking "fuck this guy, let him come to me, let him make the first move... im not sacrificing anything, and i dont want him to get everything he wants." This is 2nd grade playground talk. As i stated above, find something of equal importance to you as his dog is, and offer to give it up if he takes the dog to his mothers place. If he agrees, then i would get some counselling, because it sounds like you two need it...

[Asker]

yes marriage is hard and BOTH people have to work. he has been ignoring my requests for help with HIS dog for three years. i never said he contributed nothing to our relationship but he has not contributed anything towards the care of HIS dog apart from one walk a day. If he had taken my complaints and requests and pleas into account and treated my like an equal after three years of asking, perhaps I wouldn't feel the need to finally put my foot down on this one issue. I have also tried to talk to him since I asked the dog to leave and he has refused to speak to me thusfar.

[InquisitiveMale]

My suggestion is that you go get the dog, take it to a professional trainer, and once the behavior is corrected, bring the dog back into the home. He loves his dog and you've taken that from him. Make the ultimate sacrifice and give it back. Put in the work he himself has neglected to do and show him that you love him more then you hate the dog.

[InquisitiveMale]

p. s. just out of curiosity... what kind of dog is it?

[Asker]

we don't have the money for a professional trainer now that the baby is coming. I have been asking him for help for three years and he doesn't see the problem. I have sacrificed 3 years of being harassed in my own home and I am done. I meant it when I said me or the dog. what sacrifice has he made? NONE what has he contributed? nothing! I tried to train him for 3 years and he just reinforces bad behavior! Loving him does not mean I have to make myself miserable to please him.

it's a golden/collie mix. sheds like you wouldn't believe.

[InquisitiveMale]

I see both sides and am not being influenced by emotions.

On the one side, you've lived with an out of control dog for three years and have been repeatedly ignored when it came to your feelings. Living with an untrained and hyperactive dog is a infuriating and is compounded by your partners inability to recognize the problem. Also you now have the safety of your unborn child to consider and that will always come first.

On the other side, your husband has repeatedly been assaulted about the dogs character, which is something he loves. Compounding the problem, after giving up what he loves, the person he did it for doesn't even recognize the size of the gesture and is still hostile.

So... as for your last sentence... "loving him does not mean I have to make myself miserable to please him"... sometimes, it does...

[InquisitiveMale]

“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy hear. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship”

p. s. I would believe the shedding. I have a siberian husky. Sheds a lot more :)

[Asker]

i'm hostile because he slammed a door in my face.

[Asker]

i went home last night and tried to talk to him. he is still giving me the silent treatment. I've lost respect for him steadily over the last three years and his childish behavior when I try to talk to him about something that he's known about and ignored for our entire marriage is the final straw. I am not backing down and letting him get EVERYTHING he wants again while i'm miserable picking up the mess. that part of my marriage is over. and if that means my marriage is over because he cares about the effing dog more than me and our child, then that's his mistake to make.

[Asker]

and other than asking him to help me with the dog and being visibly upset about the dog, my husband has never been "assaulted" with anything. When he returned from dropping the dog off, he won't look at me or speak to me. my refusal to allow doors to be slammed in my face does not make me the aggressive one, it makes him the hostile one.

[InquisitiveMale]

If he cared about the dog more than you, the dog would still be there. He picked you.

[Asker]

and now is refusing to speak to me and is slamming doors in my face, leaving the room when I try to speak. Last night, I came home as if everything was normal, cooked for both of us (as usual) and when it was time to do the dishes, he did only his dishes and left mine in the sink. Passive aggressive much? we have a deal, i cook, he does the dishes. if this is him "picking me" then I'm not sure I want any of it...

[InquisitiveMale]

Then you choice is simple enough... ride out the storm or leave him.

If you can't handle him in the bad times, then you don't belong together even in the best of times.

[InquisitiveMale]

Love is ether weakened to the point of braking when you fall on hard times or becomes strengthened when overcoming them.

[Asker]

i'm calling BS on the "fall on hard times" part. we didn't lose our jobs, we didn't have a death in the family. all that happened is that after 3 years of not training his dog, it moved.7 miles away to his mother's house. if a hiccup caused by his own inaction is enough for him to act like this, then it's his devotion I question. maybe we don't belong together. I'm questioning that now.

[InquisitiveMale]

You're just as proud and hard headed as you claim your husband is... seek professional counseling for yourself and your marriage. This anger you're carrying around is incredibly unhealthy and you're projecting it outwards in your communication with others.

[Cherokeehp]

A lot of people feel deep connections, similar to those with family members, with their pets. Think about it like this, imagine having a roomate who was your best friend. They love to be with you, they rely on you, they always agree with you, and they never let you down. That's what his dog was to him. Pets are the perfect friends because their only job is to be a companion to their owners. I understand that you don't want your baby growing up with such a rambunctious dog around, but sending the dog away probably hurt him a lot more than you can imagine. I think you and your husband need to have a serious talk. Explain to him that if he wants the dog to stay at home then he has to train it to be more gentle. Their are actually some easy techniques to training dogs not to jump and to be more calm. Maybe instead of you trying to train him alone, sign the dog up for obedience classes but both you and your husband go together.

[Asker]

and him ignoring my pleas for help in training the dog has hurt me more than he can imagine. I have had that serious talk more times than i can count. nothing changes. Money is too tight with the baby coming to do obedience classes now. the time for that has come and gone and he didn't act!

[Anonymous]

Normally I don't believe in ultimatums when it comes to pets, but I understand your point of view for this. I think you should go home and talk to him about it. I don't think he is going to contact you. He's already be passive aggressive as it is. I think avoiding him is going to make things worse. I have to wonder how old he is if he is willing to pick the dog over his wife and child. I have a cat that I love, and no man will come between us but if it turned out my cat attacked my kid or my kid was allergic than the cat would have to go. I think he's being an idiot. It's not like you're complaining that you just simply don't like the dog. You have a legit reason for not wanting the dog around.

[Asker]

I have tried to talk to him. the first time he slammed a door in my face, when i tried last night, he just turned up the tv and ignored me. I'm honestly debating how long i'm going to live with this before leaving for good. we are both 26.

[Opinion Owner]

If he's going to continue to be childish, I would say that's the best. He seems pathetic to be honest. I get loving a pet, but the wife and child should always come first.

[UberTroll]

Have you ever tried training the dog yourself? I know you said you don't have money for a professional trainer but you can always do it yourself and it would actually probably be better rather than sending the dog to a stranger. There's all sorts of info online about dog training that you can use. There's also a ton of info about different conditioning strategies that can always be applied to dogs.

I don't see any reason why you can't make things work. Like someone else said too, dogs are usually very careful around babies. They understand that they're small and fragile.

[UberTroll]

I guess you did try to train him yourself. Unfortunately your husband doesn't seem to see the dog as a problem the way you do. You could try applying the conditioning methods to your husband to get him to act better with the dog and not reinforce the things that bother you. Then after that's taken care of, go back to training the dog. In any case, I don't think staying with your friends will help matters. I think you should go home and just wait for him to come around. He will after awhile.

[Asker]

I've been home for days. he still won't speak to me.

[thunderpuff23]

At first I thought you were exaggerating the dog's bad behaviour, but now, seeing your concerns about how the dog may pose a threat to your baby, I completely support your viewpoint. Did you tell your husband that reason, because if you did, I don't see how he could be okay with potentially jeopardizing the safety of your child in that way.
If you do return home, for clothes or whatever, I'd try to sit down and talk with him again, clearly explaining your reasoning. If he still doesn't listen, you have to do what's best for the baby, not coddle him and his little pet.

[Asker]

i have told him and he thinks i'm overreacting as long as we watch them together constantly. but he jumps up on me all the time! he has knocked me over when he wanted some hamburger meat in my hand and has scratched me when I'm holding things because i cannot get out of his way fast enough. if I was holding the baby, that would be a serious problem. what if we were at the top of the stairs? he doesn't see the dog behavior as a problem, so i'm the bad guy. my husband likes roughhousing with the dog so he's always strung up and whines or scratches all of the time for attention when he's not asleep. he's the freaking energizer bunny. we can't watch him 24/7. the dog has knocked over my nieces and nephew when they visited and no one was hurt and the dog didn't mean any harm, but it's not just the thought that counts here.

[thunderpuff23]

Watch the dog together constantly? Your husband is incredibly naive if he thinks that's going to happen; having a baby and caring for a newborn is exhausting and time-consuming. You'll be ridiculously tired and won't be able to provide around the clock supervision for your kid, let alone this dog. I say sit him down one last time, outline exactly what you told us here, and tell him that this is something you absolutely are not willing to compromise on. Offer to sign the dog up for obedience classes, and attend together. That way, your husband gets to spend time with his dog and see you positively interacting with him too, to defuse some hostility he may be feeling towards you. As for his childish behaviour so far, let him know that you're bringing this baby into the world together, and while you may have problems, you could really use his love and support right now. It is his baby too, so appeal to that nature.

[Asker]

we cannot afford any kind of classes at this point with the baby coming. I have tried to get him to do obedience classes with me for years. when we first moved in, i went to one with the dog because he wasn't used to living with me too, but hubby undid much of the training by spoiling him and coddling him. after i explained my reasoning he just said "fine" and took the dog to his mom's right away. He went golfing on Saturday with his buddies and on Sunday when i tried to approach him again he yelled "i heard you!" and slammed the door in my face. I packed a small bag and we havent' spoken since.

[rthomas43]

You need to get it through your husband's thick skull that the dog must be trained. Emphasize that it is for the safety of y'all's baby. Suggest a boarding school that trains dogs to him?

[Asker]

he thinks his "good boy" can do no wrong because he finds it cute that he's energetic etc. He's aesthetically a beautiful dog, but a horribly behaved one. He thinks I'm overreacting about the baby's safety because we will never leave them unattended, but I am beyond the end of my rope with the dog in general. I do not want him in my home any longer. I suggested and suggested for three years. no more chances.

[rthomas43]

I can't help but think there is more you can do convince your husband that the dog needs training. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here that he's not THAT stubborn or naive.

[Asker]

his views on proper dog behavior are very different than mine. his family all think the dog is great. he is also very prideful and very stubborn.

[randomwhiteguy]

Dogs just do that, and if the dog is older than 1.5 years old, its very hard to train, dogs will always beg, dogs always push past people, I'm surprised he only did it twice, also, dogs are smarter than you think, they won't do things like that around a baby because they will treat it as if it was a "pup" in the pack ( aka the household )

[Asker]

he was a rescue and we believe he is about 6 years old, but can't be sure. I'm usually good about getting out of his way and he's jumped countless times, but he's only knocked me down twice since i've been pregnant (different center of gravity) well I'm in the pack and he does it to me. and he's knocked over my nieces and nephew and done the snapping thing to them as well.

[randomwhiteguy]

You need to show dommeinence in the pack

[Asker]

i'm beyond done. I've been trying (unsupported by him) for three years. I am done trying trying trying for this damned dog and for my damned husband. no one is trying for me.

[randomwhiteguy]

Show you are domainat ( look for ceaser malon advise for more and better help ) and the baby should be fine, just lay the baby down and the dog will probably just lick it and it will be gentale, almost all dogs will want to be around the baby to protect it

[Asker]

that is literally the worst advice ever. just lay the baby down and hope the dog just licks it and is gentle? no thank you.

[ShaeNielson]

Are you out of your mind? Putting small child in danger like that, is just not acceptable! Dogs are animals, amazing animals, but animals. Not all of them, will just lick and accept the child. The child could get seriously damaged, if the dog is to wild. They don't do it to be evil, but they are animals. Some dogs will act gentle towards kids, while others will bite.

[randomwhiteguy]

From what the description says, he likes the family, and since he likes the family he will be gentle with the baby

[Asker]

he is not gentle with us. he paws and scratches us for attention all the time. and if you are below him (lying on the ground) he will air snap at your face inches from you. not gentle... but my husband thinks it's fine because he's just "energetic"

[randomwhiteguy]

He is just energetic, and dogs act COMPLETLY different around babies

[Asker]

he's knocked me down twice. he's scratched my arms (visible scratches that are red and raised) if he did this to a child, it could be much more serious. i'm not arguing this with you. No untrained dogs will be around my newborn baby. if that means that I separate from my husband, so be it.

[randomwhiteguy]

My doge was a pit bull lad mix very hyper (still is) maybe even worse than yours, but when my sister had a baby my dog just sniffed it and licked it then protected it, I'm speaking out of experience

[Asker]

well my dog has knocked over my young nieces and nephews and air snapped at them too. so NO, not happening. If the dog stays, I go.

[randomwhiteguy]

At least it doesn't have pit bull in it

[Asker]

either way, it's not my problem anymore. If my husband continues to act this way, he'll be alone with the dog and it will be HIS problem. I only hope he is responsible when our child stays with him and the dog.

[randomwhiteguy]

How old is the dog?

[Asker]

he was a rescue so we think he's 6 but can't be totally sure. my husband got him less than a month before we met and so I've known him for the entire 5 years he's had him and the entire 5 years we've been together, but we only lived together when we got married 3 years ago.

[randomwhiteguy]

Play, so based on the size of a golden retriever he has anywhere from 6-10 years left and at 6 it can be hard but again, look at ceased molons (aka dog whisper) for was to train him

[Asker]

again, if my husband wants to train him, he will. if not, he won't. I am not dealing with the dog any more. I tried to train him for 3 years, but was undermined by my husband's "oh good boy" attitude and refusal to have any boundaries whatsoever. no more dog for me. the end. now i'm deciding what to do about my relationship that seems to be less important to my husband than the dog he's refused to help me with.

[UberTroll]

It's not hard to train dogs if you know how to do it right. Most people fail at dog training though.

[Asker]

so it's not hard, and yet most people fail? got it.

[Anonymous]

He is so irresponsible. Basically putting his child in danger. What when the dog bites the childs face, arms, jumps on it etc. Is he okay with that? He should have trained the dog, so it didn't have to go. He have no one to blame, but himself. You are the one, who acted like a responsible parent.

[Asker]

and it looks like i might lose my marriage over the damned dog.

[Opinion Owner]

If he puts a potentially dangerous dog, over his wife and child, then there is something wrong with him.

[Asker]

and if that is what he chooses to do by continuing to ignore me and act aggressively when I try to talk to him, I am prepared to let him go.

[Anonymous]

Just get over it. Sorry, you took on the responsibility of the dog just as you are taking on the responsibility of motherhood. You just going to get rid of your kid when it acts up. Follow through on your commitments.

[Asker]

i never made a commitment to the dog. it is his dog. i meant it when i said it's me or the dog. I wont' keep my child in the house with it if it's not trained. my child comes first.

[Opinion Owner]

You knew about the dog when you got married therefore you knew what you were getting into. Sorry.

[Asker]

well he made a commitment to me to train the dog and never did. i'm not taking the dog back because he didn't fulfill his commitment.

[ShaeNielson]

So you are saying, she should put her child in danger?

[Opinion Owner]

@ShaeNielson what I'm saying is she knew the dog was an issue before getting pregnant. Yes, he was supposed to train the dog, but didn't and didn't yet asker all of a sudden going to flip a lid. Give me a break, this comes down to her just not liking animals in general and she is expecting her husband to give up someone that he loves. Pregnant or not, the demand is ridiculous and since this has been an ongoing issue, clearly their relationship and not just the dog, why get pregnant. Sounds like an emotional drama queen to me.

[Asker]

hahahahahah wow thats a mess of assumptions you're working with there. I've had two dogs before i met my husband. both of them were well trained and well behaved and while I am not certifiably insane like "dog people" aka people come second to pets, I do love dogs and would love to have one, provided it doesn't make my life worse and make me dread coming home. I have been making myself clear for three years and somehow this is all me just flipping a lid "all of a sudden"? are you daft? if he wants to keep the dog, he has to give up me. if he chooses a dog that he has ruined with his inaction over me, then i hope they will be very happy together. lets see how much he likes vacuuming 2-3 times a week (or living in filth alternatively) and taking him on ALL the walks instead of one a day. emotional drama queen? sure, but what does that make him? a childish loser who won't lift a finger to keep anything in his life: the dog or his wife.

[ShaeNielson]

Oh yea not wanting to put your child in danger, thats just being a drama queen. How can you say she doesn't love animals? I love animals, but I sure wouldn't raise a child, with a crazy dog around.

[Asker]

opinion owner, if he continues to act the way he's acting, we will soon be rectifying the mistake of our 5 year relationship because I will not sacrifice my happiness and just "get over it" because I should have known. then HE can follow through on his commitments: to the dog and to his child. I won't want shit from him ever again. this man has been ignoring my requests and concerns and breaking his promise to me for the three years we've been married. Unless he does a 180, I'm done.

[Opinion Owner]

Personally I don't care about your history with animals or really whatever your problems are. Sounds like you need to deal with your husband more than anything else. You asked and I gave you my opinion based on the shred of information you provided.

[Opinion Owner]

He's the problem, not the dog.

[Asker]

and your opinion based on the "Shred" of info is that i should suck it up and that i'm just being a drama queen? your powers of comprehension and deductive reasoning are staggering.

[Opinion Owner]

At this point I don't think G@G is going to help your situation. Maybe some marriage counseling.

[FireInMyHead]

If he thinks a stupid mutt can be more important than his wife and unborn child, you really have to sort out a few things.

[rthomas43]

I'm not siding with her husband, but the mere fact that you called his dog a "stupid mutt" discredits your opinion on this topic.

[FireInMyHead]

Well actually from the way she described the dog, I think my words are not incorrectly placed.

[Cleveland]

I side with @rthomas43. Very immature way of looking at the situation.

[rthomas43]

"Poorly trained canine" would have been more accurate.

[Jeta1me]

I agree with you 100%. Now you should move home and de dog your home tidy everything up the way it needs to be. He'll either come around or he won't but at least you'll know your home is clean safe and comfortable for all of you. Dog owners always forget their dog is an animal and should be treated loved and trained as such. If they don't they failed the animal and can't expect others to pay for that failure.

[Katy16]

Go home and wait for him to get over it or nicely and calmly explain how you feel about the dog being dangerous to your baby.

[Asker]

going home now. hoping he'll listen.

[Anonymous]

If you would ask me that, i would immediately reply:"The dog" and kick you out in seconds.

Man's best friend.

[Asker]

over your pregnant wife? even after you didn't train it/take care of it at all apart from one walk a day for three years? he's still more important than the woman you married and decided to have a family with?

[Opinion Owner]

You already said you "reset" him and he "resents" you.

I bet the dog still love him though.
Interesting how animals are better than humans, huh?

[Asker]

I have been resenting him for three years for his inaction and broken promises. he resents me now because I finally said "enough is enough." if he turns out to share your viewpoint, then he can be all alone with his dog. no more sex, no more love (real love not ACTUAL puppy love, which is : you pet me sometimes? you feed me? I love you? you exist? i love you.), no more shared goals, no more family, no more growing old with someone, no more best friend (each other). fair trade huh?

[Opinion Owner]

If you withold sex to get your way, i consider dumping your stupid ass a "fair trade" indeed.
nothing worse than a manipulative woman using SEX as a weapon to coerce his husband.

Instead of giving "ultimatums" , TALK to him.
Open that big mouth of yours i'm sure you got when you whine and actually communicate, using words.

What do you think this community is going to do?
Beat the crap out of your husband so "he behaves" ?

You're most likely going to pick a confirmation biased MHO and then march happy and tell him :See? This random internet community tells me i am right! I told you so !

And he is going to LOL hard.

Get off the computer and get your butt in there and talk to him.
Nobody likes a spoiled brat, especially an ADULT one.

[Asker]

wow. that's all you got from my comment? I mean that if he chooses the dog, our marriage will be over. Hence no more sex... or anything else that comes with a relationship. I HAVE talked to him for THREE YEARS and he has ignored me. you are making an absurd number of assumptions and none of them are accurate. I don't give a shit about telling him what you say on here... I was looking for advice on how to progress from here. Your advice is clearly that i'm not worth it. message received. i don't need to hear anything else from you. and as to why I am not talking to him currently it is because he is not talking to me and when i tried to talk to him, he slammed a door in my face. and i am at WORK at 11:00 on a tuesday... like and ADULT.

[Opinion Owner]

Lol, as you wish.