So I believe that trust is extremely important in any relationship, especially marriage. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We had been married for 6 months when I got pregnant with our son. When I was about 2 months pregnant and going through "morning sickness" and not really wanting anything to do with sex bc I felt horrible my husband did something I never expected. I went to bed early one night and he stayed up for awhile and was drinking. The next day while he was sleeping off the night before I just had this horrible feeling that something wasn't right. I know it was wrong, but I looked at his phone. I found text messages from the night before between him and a girl about hooking up while I was asleep. This girl was someone he replied to from a Craigslist personal ad... Nothing actually happened bc I read in the messages where he told her he was married and then she told him no and he agreed it was a bad idea. I confronted him and he said that it would never happen again and that he was stupid and didn't know why he did it. Later it came out that it was bc I wasn't giving him what he needed bc I was sick all the time. I told him he had to earn my trust back bc up until then I trusted him completely and he took that away. I know nothing actually happened, but it could have. We are doing a little better now and nothing else has happened since then... But I still find myself wondering if he's telling me the truth when he goes places or if he's just gotten better at hiding things. And I'm still fighting the anger bc he made me feel so bad about myself while I was pregnant with our son, and even now I still have issues with myself and wonder if I'm enough. I'm angry that he took the happiness away from me when it was supposed to be a happy time for both of us. How do I trust him again and get over this anger? How long will it take for me to get over this? I take our marriage very seriously and want so bad to trust him and move on.
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I don't condone his actions, but I do understand them. Men commonly judge how much his wife loves him, by their sex life. I don't know how long you weren't having sex with him, but if a woman tells her husband no enough times, he will feel unloved. Eventually that can destroy a marriage. If my wife hadn't touched me since she got pregnant, I would feel really used. Like she just wanted a baby and had been pretending to love me in order to get me on the hook for child support. It may not make sense, but that is how a lot of guys would feel. So this may not be just about him looking to get off, but also to feel loved, and valued as a man.
If his emotions being hurt encouraged him to make this decision, then you might be able to find more trust, by knowing he no longer feeling unloved, and undesired, by making him feel loved and valued as a man. This might allow you to feel more secure that he isn't going to try something like this again. Please understand that I am not suggesting what he did was okay, or that this was somehow your fault. Clearly he shouldn't have done what he did, but understanding his reasons might be able to give you confidence that you can manipulate events to avoid that from happening again.
If however he was just horny and looking to get off, then he will have to do 100% of the work. Either way he needs to work to earn your trust, and realize he isn't entitled to your trust right now. If you want to check his phone, or check up on him from time to time, he has no right to complain about it. This process will take a long time either way. Eventually however you will need to move past it. No sense bringing it up 20 years from now after you decided to stay with him.0