I want to cheat on my wife?

My wife and I have been married for 18 months now. We were together for a bit over 5 years prior to the marriage. Before we got married, our sex life was great, we would have sex just about every day, but ever since we actually got married we barely have sex any more. Other than our honeymoon, we have had sex an absolute maximum of 50 times. On average, that's about twice every three weeks. But it is a lot more rare now.

At this point we are essentially just friends. I have talked to her about it several times and she is fine not having sex. After the conversation, we have sex that night and then it's back to normal. Even when I take her on beautiful dates, she says she's too tired to have sex.

Every time that we do actually have sex, I have to come on to her for it, every single time, and most of the time she says no. I want to feel like she wants to be intimate with me. I love her and don't want to hurt her but I am at the point where I want to have sex with another woman. I just want to feel wanted, I guess. I'm not going to force myself on her or anything like that and I don't want to cheat on her but I am so tired of not having sex. I have talked with her so many times, I really don't know what to do. I feel bad because she can't help that she's not aroused.

P. S. I haven't gained weight or anything like that since getting married, we both go to the gym together (most days) and are in great shape.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I want to cheat on my wife?
    In my opinion that seems pretty typical for a married guy. You can cheat (also a seemingly typical for married guys) or get a divorce.

    Bit curious:

    " Before we got married, our sex life was great, we would have sex just about every day, but ever since we actually got married we barely have sex any more."
    Was it great or was it great for you? Does she agree it was great? I find most guys tend to think sex is great when they are enjoying it and having it as much or almost asmuch as they want.

    How have you changed since the marriage (I'm speaking of personality, behavior, habits, sharing household workload)? How has your sexual technique changed? Do you just take it for granted that as a husband you'll have sex or do you consider that as a man you have to be desirable to have sex?

    " I have talked to her about it several times and she is fine not having sex. "
    Exactly how did you talk to her about it? Was it "I want sex", "I fell (insert whatever)" or was it trying to find out why she doesn't want sex with you? Do you know why she's fine not having sex with you? Does she find sex with you boring, non orgasmic, non pleasurable, too much of a hassle/bother, something done solely for your benefit?

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    • She says it was amazing. For me, one of the biggest turn-ons during sex is seeing her get off. Every single time we've ever had sex I go down on her and it's always intimate. A couple of months before we got married, I finished my PhD, so now that I am doing research and have a steady job, I am able to spend more at home, that's really the only thing that has changed. If we don't eat (or get take) out, I always cook and clean and she does our laundry. I don't just expect sex from her. I love taking her out on a date and then coming home and tearing each others clothes off (lol).
      I tell her that "I don't like that we haven't been as intimate since" She said she just isn't as horny anymore. She doesn't know why. Last week I gave her a full body massage and was teasing her for about an hour and when I got to her lady parts she said she wasn't in the mood, rolled over and went to sleep. I literally have no idea what the fuck I'm doing wrong. She just seems completely disinterested in sex.

    • Show All
    • I love how you automatically assume it's 100% his fault for the sexless marriage. This happens more and more these days, and I would say it's because of premarital sex.

    • @ Anno_Domini
      The only one making assumptions is you. I didn't make any assumptions especially any that blame anyone.

What Girls Said 18

  • Well, you can't make her have sex if she doesn't want it and if you have already talked to her about it numerous times then things are unlikely to change if she is unwilling. Some things do change after marriage, if she's busier then she may be too tired to have sex as often as you would like. That's no excuse for cheating though, cheating is never justified and obviously that will not solve the issue in your marriage. If you feel that your lack of a sex life is a deal breaker then you should just get a divorce rather than cheating.

    You've only been married for 18 months so if this is already a problem, are you just going to keep cheating years down the road? That's not okay and obviously it would just hurt her. If you are sexually incompatible and it's THAT much of a problem for you then you should talk to her one final time and tell her that if things don't change, you would like to end the marriage. That would be better than cheating on her...

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  • Before going that path try every option including counseling. If that doesn't work divorce is your next best option.
    If you cheat she eventually will find out and that can create damage beyond your conorehention at the moment.
    Think about it, kids, finances and history. Why bother creating a house of cards? Love? That's hardly an excuse

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  • Never settle in life because you deserve far better.
    I think you realize that which is why you want to explore your options.
    But the fact of the matter, you are going about things the wrong way.
    You want to solve the problem but you would be creating an even bigger one by cheating.
    Talk to your wife.
    Continue to stress how important this is.
    If things continue not to change, you have to leave the marriage.

    The problem in your relationship isn't just sex (alone).
    It's a communication problem.
    If your wife made an effort to improve your overall sex life after speaking with her time and time again, you wouldn't even be having these thoughts.

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  • You don't cheat.

    You divorce then go do whatever you want as a single man.

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  • Don't do it. I was in her position and my Hunny in yours. He did cheat on me. For 4 years and with four others. It crushed my heart and soul. I lost all trust and even now after six years after he did all of it. I still have that doubt and I always feel like I am inadequate, unsexy, unloved (even when reassures me that he loves me) but she will never feel the same about herself or about you or look at you the same. Just be honest with her and tell her you need it a bit more than you are getting. Ask if you can spice it up. I thought pictures and videos were fun, but a bit embarrassing after the fact. Plus those are something you can enjoy when y'all hit a dry spill. But if she walks in and asks what your watching, show her. And take it from there. It has always worked for me. Plus I bet you think she is beautiful when she blushes.

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  • i feel sex is important to maintain a healthy relationship and couple need to work together to maintain it
    i rather u end the relationship with her than to cheat on her which will hurt her deeper

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  • Don't cheat. That's awful. Talk with her about it. Tell her you don't feel wanted and you want to be intimate with her. If she disagrees, say you cannot be in a marriage where you don't feel wanted. Cheating is the most disrespectful thing you could ever do to someone. It's sad that your sex life has changed so drastically but the more respectful choice would be to communicate and possibly end the marriage.

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  • By the sound of it , it almost seems like she's tired of you. I mean the same sex for 5 years. .. she's probably just growin a bit tired of it. Also there is a good possibility that she is having sex with some body. . So if you, you could use the fact that she had an affair as well. Try something new one night and see if it gives her a new reaction.

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  • If she doesn't want it, she never will. It will only get worse once/if you have kids
    If it's an arousment issue, just let her have some alcohol
    Don't cheat on her
    Or tell her you really need sex and ask her what you should do

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  • Is there stress happening in her life? Work related?

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  • Just talk to her tell her how u feel

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  • Then cheat on her.

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  • If its anything like my past relationships she's probably getting some on the side, so you might as well too. But if you are worried about getting caught there's always people on the internet - you're a lot less likely to get caught there.

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  • You haven't even been married 2 years and ylure already thinking of cheating? At least sit down and have a good discussion with her first.

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  • another common extraordinary fantaasy. But i should say that your regrets can never bring back your past times.

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  • Just divorce her. Cheating is worse and she deserves better than an asshole like you.

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    • Actually, maybe she doesn't deserve him.

    • I don't think she deserves him and you can't call the guy an arsehole because he actually hasn't cheated!!!

    • The thought has entered his mind though. He's on a question and answer site. The moment he cheats, his reasons don't matter anymore. If the thoughts are going through his head he should just end the relationship and find a woman who will have sex with him. If he wants that wanted feeling and he isn't getting the intimacy from her no matter how many times he has talked to her, then why stay? I've been in the situation before. My ex didn't want to have sex no matter what I did. I did everything to make him feel special and ordered special lingerie. I kept myself looking sexy for him, but he said no every time. I got sick of it and ended the relationship. I never once thought of going to another man until I finally ended it with my ex and we were together for eight years. It wasn't easy. It's why I stayed for so long. I tried talking to him and he would flip out on me and tell me to shut up and leave him alone.

  • Her not satisfying you doesn't justify cheating. Things change after marriage and you guys Need to talk about it. Seek counseling.

    Don't be a douchebag who cheats on the woman he's married to, especially. Don't do something stupid. You love your wife and would hate breaking her heart I hope. And cheating definitely would hurt her.

    Don't cheat, please!

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  • just leave her why cheat on her and stay in a sexless relationship when things won't get better?

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What Guys Said 15

  • Whatever you do, don't cheat. You need to make it absolutely clear how this is making you feel towards her. She obviously doesn't realise how important it is to you or has a reason she's not wanting it herself.

    You need to break that boundary and try and understand each other.

    If it can't be resolved and you feel you have to move on, you need to separate from her first properly before you even think of anyone else.

    Regardless of how you feel, infidelity is one of the worst pains to feel and can be avoided with self control and patience. There is never a reason to cheat.

    Talk to her and make it absolutely clear how it's making you feel. Tell her what you posted here, that it's fine in the short term but the problem is her wanting you in the long term. If it doesn't help tell her sex and feeling wanted is important to you in marriage and you thought she knew that. Ask her for a divorce.

    It's important to emphasise you are feeling bad because you feel unwanted sexually to avoid any superstitions that you are only interested in sex.

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  • Look man, when it comes to sex women r just as horny and sex loving as men. They sometimes might be too tired for sex but they can't stay like that for long. Her saying that she's fine not having sex at all is not something that makes sense or is reasonable. Men r a bit more horny than women but women get REALLY horny too, and i really don't think they can last more than one month without sexual pleasure. If she tells u she doesn't want sex or doesn't feel like it that means she's sexually satisfied. I really hope it's not the case and i dont want to complicate things for u but she might either be already sexually satisfied from masturbating or cheating on u. I'm ssoooo sorry for saying that i really am not saying that to put u into problems but that's actually what i would personally give at least some thought about if it happens with me. I really hope its not the case.

    Other than that, i would just suggest u spice up the relationship a bit. wear some sexy costumes that turn her on, do stuff that will make her not be able to resist u. Sometimes staying away from her and not showing her too much attention will make her want u more. Women get way more attracted to guys who don't show that much attention to them or guys that make women feel like they r the ones who have to chase him and earn him.

    Good luck man, i know how u feel and i really hope it never happens to me. I'm just like u IM SUPER HORNY almost EVERYDAY!

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  • You just had to go and get married young didn't ya... There's a reason sex was so frequent when she was just your girlfriend, she was still competing with other women, that's how women compete, physically. You should try this before doing anything that could potentially fuck you in the long run (divorce). You need to bring another woman into the picture, because it seems you are putting so much effort, and giving so much attention to your wife trying to get laid, that she doesn't need sex anymore. That's what she wants from you, attention, and she will take it in any way shape or form. In this case, desperation for sex, so what you should try and do, is stop showing that need and stop giving her all of that attention. You should find another woman to give that attention and energy to, and leave your wife without any of it. It doesn't need to be sexual, she just needs to see you give another women that attention, and most importantly, she needs to see another woman make you happy in some way. Because you seem miserable, and she knows you're miserable, show her you don't rely on her for happiness. Hopefully this works for ya, best of luck my man.

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    • Totally agree with this

    • Make sure when you do this, you don't tell her what you're doing. In other words, don't go around thinking or acting like "Hey, look, I'm talking to this other women, we hang out all the time, its soooo fun, I'm soooo happy. Are you jealous? Do you want to have sex yet?" Just go about it in a normal, casual fashion.

  • That's a difficult but common situation.

    Ideally, marriage would be legally treated like any other contract. But, it's not. You could be financially ruined through a divorce, even though you're in the right. The irony of the legal changes to divorce law over the past few decades is that there is now a perverse incentive to choose to cheat rather than to get a divorce.

    I think people forget that cheating isn't the only form of cheating, so to speak. If you refuse to have sex, even though you had a lot of sex before getting married, that's also a form of cheating. Cheating means cheating on the agreement. Other forms of cheating on the relationship would include leaving your job and deciding to be unemployed, for example.

    I would say, try marriage counselling. If that doesn't work, what can you do? Is anyone really going to tell you that you should financially ruin yourself just because your wife has broken her side of the relationship agreement? Is anyone really going to tell you that you should give up on sex just because your wife has broken her side of the relationship agreement?

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    • @evenlift , I totally agree that she has betrayed her part of the agreement if she refuses to show affection. It matters little if she's giving all that affection to another man (cheating), or just plain refusing her husband and everyone else too.

      Every time she refuses his affection, she is saying:
      * I do not find you physically attractive.
      * I do not wish to please you.
      * I do not even wish for you to please me.
      If that's not betraying the cause, what is?

      I would still advise him to get out by divorce, even if it's costly. The last long term relationship cost me more than $100,000, and it could have been more than $200,000 if you added up everything. I'm glad I'm out.
      No amount of money can compensate for giving up the next 50 years or more of affection and sex life. When the sex life gets better, you'll make that money back and more. When you're happier and not stressed, you become more productive.

    • @Tractorbream Interesting info. Good point about stress.

  • I hope for your sake you don't have any children yet.
    The best advice I can give is to get a divorce. They should tell all men before they get married that 80% of women will do this, and it just gets worse. At least you're still getting some at present. She's not quite past the use-by date, but it will be soon. There's nothing you can do to prevent or change it, because it's instinctive in her.

    It doesn't matter how good you are. It doesn't matter if you're a perfect man and better than ever. It doesn't matter if you're the hottest ever lover in bed. Most women will still stop showing affection, and eventually begin to resent/despise you. You'll really know about it when you can't even get a kiss when you leave for work (because she turns her head away), and it's been happening for a year or more.

    Only about 20% of women can stay in love with the same man for the long term, and here's why it happens.
    www.macleans.ca/culture/books/the-two-year-itch/

    If you want to have a sex life for the rest of your life and get banged once or twice a day, then for all practical purposes you can't ever have that by staying with the same woman. Unless you happen to get very lucky and find one of the 20%, you need to trade women in at about 4 years.

    The only other alternative is to wait until it gets worse, and sex is happening less than 10 times per year. Then explain to her that you no longer have a sexual relationship. You could get more than that from stray women and one night stands, and that doesn't qualify as a relationship either.
    Once you've convinced her that the sexual relationship is over, and you only have a financial relationship (marriage), then you're in the clear. It's not cheating when you no longer have a sexual relationship. Fuck buddies less than once a month doesn't qualify. Tell her you'll still bang her if she wants it, provided you have no other serious sexual relationship happening at the time. You are effectively estranged ex-lovers living under one roof.

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  • It sort of sounds like she did what she had to do to rope you in and now that she got what she wants (marriage and a partnership) she's pretty content now. Have you tried hinting that if sex doesn't return to pre marriage levels to some extent that divorce isn't out the question?

    You shouldn't cheat on her obviously but she should understand that you didn't sign up for a sexless marriage.

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  • I am personally opposed to divorce, but I do agree with the people here who say that she used sex to rope you into marriage. You are far better off divorcing her than being pushed into cheating. A husband or wife should be open to intimacy with their spouse. Not being open to it will only lead to the destruction of the relationship if one partner wants more than what the other is willing to give. It's not even about the physical sex itself. Masturbation can take care of the urge, but that won't make the person feel desired by their spouse. It's about feeling loved and desired, and cutting off intimacy does great damage in that area.

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  • I don't know what to tell you, dude. I empathize with you. You have to make your own choices. But honestly with only 18months under your belt, you might want to just get divorced

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  • Go get counseling together. But don't cheat.

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  • Why not just file for divorce? Instead you have to make her go through pain because what, you wanted sex.

    Disgusting

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  • Either work through it or get a favorite like a man. Don't be one of those cheating pussies making excuses

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  • @Asker
    If you're marriage is already sexless after 18 months just think what it might be like down the track. You're far better off divorcing her instead of cheating.

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  • Just because she does not want to have sex does not mean you should go out and cheat on her.

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  • File for a divorce. It's not going to get better.

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  • So what's the question?

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