Married couple lives?

We’ve been married for almost 9 years and have a daughter. Sexually it is ZERO-NADA-RIEN since the baby is born (she is 4 now). Two years ago I found out he was cheating on me. Well I told him I knew about it. One year of tears, depression, frustration all the usual sh*t followed by one year of emptiness. He doesn’t want to divorce. He sincerely talk to me only when drunk, he wants everything like before but does nothing for it. Can't go like that anymore. What do I do? Leave, stay, cheat? … marriage sucks.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Who is the one who does not want to have sex?

    If he's the one who doesn't want to have sex and cheated on you, then yeah dump him and move on asap rather than prolonging the process.

    However, if you are the one who did not want to have sex, you can't blame him for cheating on you. Guys need sex, it would be natural that they seek it elsewhere if they are not getting it from home. Just like how women have the chance of seeking emotional needs elsewhere if they do not get it at home. I say this is because even if you move on and get into a relationship with another guy, the same problem will surface.

    In my opinion, your daughter and you are better off living in a family where there is a father and husband. Unless he is abusive. You guys just need marriage counseling. Relationships are very hard to maintain, especially a marriage. That's why I do not understand why people are so fast in jumping into a marriage (not talking about you, but just in general). I do not mean to sound insensitive to your feelings but it is a lot easier for other people to tell you to leave the marriage and so on JUST because your husband cheated. But, it takes two to make the relationship the way it is. I understand that emptiness you feel and the whole "his" room and "my" room. Feelings and emotions are temporary. You have a daughter now and I am sure she'll be glad to know that her mother did try everything she can to give her a complete family.

    If there is any love left between you and your husband, give it another try :)

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    • It was not just him or just me, it happened gradually, the realtionship became dull, we didn't talk or joke or even watch TV. As he gained weight I lost my interest in him totally. For me if a man don't pay attention to me, don't take care of his own body then he just don't see me as a woman i.e. do I not deserve those efforts! He is 8 years older, he looks like my father... and he cheats

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    • Him not getting any from his wife is no excuse to cheat.Communication is the key to any relationship and if you're gonna get married you have to communicate you needs,wants and desires,so you're defending him on that,but cheating is never excusable

    • I want to see that 32 year old body that looks 22. :-)

What Guys Said 10

  • Complete strangers on the internet probably aren't the compass by which you should steer that ship.

    That said:

    I can think of few things worse for a child than growing up in a household devoid of love.

    One of them is growing up in a household full of hatred and recrimination*.

    I'd suggest getting a third party involved (I'm thinking a professional councellor, here) to work out if anything can be done, and how best to proceed.

    *: Though you do get to learn some pretty grown up words, and be the envy of your primary school chums for it.

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    • Thanks

      PS.: 'grown up words'?? do you think I m 12?

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    • I know that divorce can be very traumatic for a child - but you also have to think of the conditions of your marriage. My parents got a divorce when I wrote them both a letter telling them how awful it was at home and how I didn't know who I was any more and that I wish I was never born (at age seven!). It was a war zone - and as awful as it was to have split parents, and to have to go through 8 years of divorce court and appeals - it is still better that they are separate. They are both better

    • For it. And I think I turned out better in the long run as well. I agree with Falkenbok - seek counseling and see if any reconciliation is possible if that is what you want to do - but do not fear leaving him. It takes participation and a desire to change from both parties to fix something like this - it sounds like he wouldn't be the type to be willing to participate in counseling. Do what you must - for your child and for yourself! :)

  • You guys need to see a marriage counsellor. He seems to want to stay in the marriage. You are also ok with it provided he loses weight and the sex life improves.

    I think more communication is needed. No man (or a woman for that matter) likes a relationship where he does not get love, respect and trust. Based on what you said about your feelings towards him, he must have felt unloved while being aware of your expectation for him to make himself attractive for you. Who is going to put effort to please some one who does not love him?

    So, it was a vicious cycle.

    If he felt that you would love him even if he gained weight but you wanted him to lose weight for health reasons, may be he would have done it. Most men don't cheat if they feel loved.

    It is still retrievable. First become good friends. Be a family and do things together with your daughter. He does not want to break up and marry the other woman. So, it is still ritrievable and you can have happiness.

    But you need professional help.

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  • Sounds to me that it is not your marriage that sucks, but your husband.

    I do not condone divorce except in extreme circumstances. Though, I would have to say that infidelity is one of those circumstances. You cannot have a marriage without trust in one another... and you lose that trust when one has been unfaithful.

    It is a hard spot, though, given that you share a child. Frankly, I feel that you would both be better served by being without a man who is willing to break the bonds of marriage with infidelity, and then drowns his failures with alcohol.

    It all comes down to your feelings on the situation. If you think you two can salvage the relationship, it may be worth a shot. You need to think hard about what that means for your child. If it does not work, how long until you cut ties? You need to make sure that you are taking into account what is best for you and your little girl.

    Whatever you choose, there will always be people to support you, you just have to make the choice of what path to follow.

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  • Leave, the sooner, the better. What kind of environment is this for your daughter? She is learning about marriage from your relationship with her father. She may even be a 'repeater' when she marries.

    You might want to ask yourself the reason he stopped having a sexual relationship with you.

    IMNSHO, he's a dirtbag.

    Get out of this mess before even more damage happens to you and your daughter.

    Learned a wordingly,

    Ted

    Wiktionary:

    rien

    1. nothing

    2. anything

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  • If it was two years ago and he hasn't cheated since either he isn't going to to it again or you just haven't caught him. He sounds like he has issues with your relationship and in which case you should leave and take whatever you can, legally, as you do so. Find a person who finds you physically and emotionally attractive and hold your head high. No body deserves to be in that situation and I wish you the best of luck. Him, not as much.

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  • Divorce and cheating are only going to lead to more complications and likely pain. If he really doesn't want to leave, drag is butt to marriage counseling. Obviously you both have needs from the relationship that are not being fulfilled. Check out the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Better to repair what once was great than add more pain. Hope it works out for your family.

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  • I believe he is telling the truth about wanting to stay with you. I believe after the baby, he missed the one on one time he had and felt he needed that again, but he found it was not you he was with. If I were you, I would consider giving him one more chance. I am sure the reason why he has not been pursueing getting it all back, is because he feels so guilty inside he does not know if he is worth of your love. You need to be stong and lead him back into the nest.

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  • You just need to divorce and move on. Life is too short to be miserabl. You women will never learn. Before getting married, both of you have to be completely in love with one another, otherwise you risk ruining each others lives as in your case. It should happen naturally.

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  • leave for sure, don;t stay or cheat. it is clearly not working. you might think staying toegther is better for the kid but it isn't. call it quits and find someone else great who will love having sex with you.

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  • Well if he is unfaithful I think that is one of the only reasons for divorce, at the same time you have a kid to think about. I would just end the relationship without leaving him so that you could take care of your daughter together. Live in separate rooms if possible. Maybe it will motivate him to try to win you back or call for a divorce, either way don't cheat because then you'll be just as bad as him.

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    • We already live in separate rooms, but it is not, just not normal to live like that. It is unbearable. Aren't we humans in the end? it is like dead inside but alive outside.

    • He is the one that caused this so he needs to be the one to either fix it or end it, if you're not willing to end it yourself.

What Girls Said 6

  • Yes - I agree - marriage sucks when it's the wrong person. If it were me - I'd select a date - tell him the date - and give him your requirements to continue in the relationship. When the date gets there - evaluate his behavior without emotion - and if he's not changed his behavior and your emotional and sexual needs are not being met...then in an unemotional and straigtforward way - start making your plans for a divorce, a new life without him and how to heal.

    Not saying you won't have tears here and there - nine years is a long time - but what are your choices? Snatch you life back - or settle for less then you deserve because the alternative is unknown and perhaps scary? Me - I'm a confident women - I'd go for scary if what I had was making me miserable.

    Good luck - keep us posted!

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  • it sounds like you both have already done everything to end the marriage except to officially divorce. you did nothing to save it, just gradually started disliking him and not communicating with him. he gradually stopped having sex with you. instead of trying to fix things, he started having sex with someone else. you cheating isn't going to solve anything, it could add a whole mess of new problems. the longer the problems go unsolved, the harder it is to come back from.

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  • He has caused you nothing but sadness after cheating. Once someone in your life isn't making you happy as he is supposed to. Or at least respecting you. You don't really need him in your life. Think of your daughter. Do you really want her growing up seeing her parents in a loveless marriage. Seek your daughter and your own happiness. Only that way will you ever live a fulfilling life! Do what makes you happy! If being with him is no longer that things. Then what are you sticking around for?

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  • leave HIMMMMMMMMMMM

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  • No man in the world is worth the pain u've gone through. Leave him. Leave him now.

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  • Of course communication is the key to relationship. However, everyone still have different wants and needs. Just because it is communicated to the other partner, this does not necessarily mean that the other partner will obey it like a command. In sum, communication is like a textbook theory, the ideal key to successful relationship. Reality is often different from that of "ideal". I am not trying to find an excuse for him to cheat. But it is what it is. I'm offering her a different perspective on the situation because I was in the same situation before. In other words, there's already pain and hurt involved. I'm just trying to minimize any further pain and possible regrets. She can get a divorce if she wants but she needs to consider a lot of factors. This is not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where you can just easily break up and move on.

    Honestly, what would you recommend her to do? Get a divorce? And then what? Have her go through countless dates and disappointments to find a new husband? New relationships will have its own problems anyways. If you have read any research, most 2nd marriages don't work out because they already went through divorce once and it's not hard to divorce the 2nd time around. Lastly, how about her children? How do they feel in all this?

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    • Yes, my child is my only problem here.

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