Why won't my boyfriend of 6 years marry me?
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years now. We've lived together pretty much the entire time. We've always had a great relationship for the most part, every couple has their fights here and there, but overall things are good.
Though, 2 years ago he did break up with me. We separated for a month and then started seeing each other again, it seemed like we were together again, but he didn’t want to officially want to get back together yet. Then I got pregnant with his child. He still wouldn’t be with me, I was crushed. But eventually he came around, and the day after we signed the lease for our new house, I had a miscarriage. It was a rough time, but I believe it brought us together, and things have been wonderful ever since. He's a really great guy and I love him with all my heart.
I'm 25 now, he's 30 and I feel like we should get married soon. It's the next logical step for 2 people that love each other. So I finally gathered up enough courage to ask him if he ever planned on marrying me, and he couldn't really answer me. I was devastated. He said he didn't know and that it was never a priority to him, so he never really though about it before (which I don't see being possible, but then again I'm not a guy). He doesn't really like "talking about his feeling" & I knew I caught him off guard, but you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not after 6 years! To me it showed he really didn’t love me like he claims to. He told me he loved me and would always want me in his life no matter what, and that didn’t the fact that we’re still together,and the way he treats me show me how much he really cares for me? But I need that commitment from him. Especially because he left me once before…how do I know he won’t hurt me again? Plus, what girl doesn’t dream of her wedding and want to celebrate their happiness? So now I'm 2nd guessing our relationship. Do I stay with him, hoping one day he'll mature enough to marry me or do I give him the ultimatum of marrying me or breaking up? I feel like we’re already married, and don’t see what would change by actually doing it? I know I have a good, committed relationship, and that’s what marriage, so why do I feel I need it?
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
Men are naturally afraid of commitment. And some like to think things are right "just the way they are". Or rather, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". The truth is, some men like to do just enough to get by. Even if that means their relationship. It seems your boyfriend fits this type of male. Sorry to say, but your gonna have to push him. An ultimatum will not work. You don't want a forced marriage do you?
But the real shocker here is, do you really want to be in a relationship where you had to put in more effort than the other? It seems your the only one pushing for marriage and he's still stuck like a rock. I'm sorry, but since he's already 30, I doubt he's ever going to mature. Or even anytime soon. You can wait him out if you want, and hopefully he might see what he's missing. A chance to make you really happy and move into the next step of your relationship. And after six years, it's obvious you never pushed him. Six years you've invested, so you deserve to scrutinize whether you should stick around for another six years. Good luck.
What Guys Said 1
An ultimatum may not work as its competitive in nature and may not get you the honest answer you deserve. It likely you let this go on too long already, perhaps out of fear of the outcome. But its time some serious talk come about. his retarded excuse of him not wanting to "share his feelings" is just an excuse and a load of crap. All men have feelings, just as all women do. If he really cannot share or talk about his then perhaps he is no marriage material and should be seeing a shrink on this issue.
I am not talking so much of marriage, but rather the feeling of wanting at long term committed relationship. At some point this needs to be answered or this will only get worst for you. My 12 year marriage to my wife has been good and I have no regrets. But both need to enter marriage with the same need for commitments.
How about telling him straight out. Tell him you love him (if you really do), and tell him you want to be with him. But your not getting younger and you are interested in a long term committed relationship without a persistent "escape clause". Tell him you want a committed relationship and your not getting younger and have grown less tollerence to waste more time.
Suggest a one-month separation, not a break up, just a separation for both of you to regroup your own feelings. Marriage is both a selfish and giving act. But first it has to start with the self. Go on a separate vacation or something. Perhaps head back to college or something. This separation period should be sufficient and long enough for both of you to gain a clear mind for each of you want.
This separation will also tell him you're serious. During this time perhaps a short phone conversation is OK but no reunions and need I say, no sex. When you get back together both of you will have a more clear mind on what you both want to do. If either of you are not clear after this, then you may want to rethink the relationship.
A break up of a 6 year decent relationship will be hard, if not impossible for either of you so I doubt a break up will come of this. But if you have had an on-agaiin, off-again relationship, this may apply a clock to the relationship. But ask yourself, you two have been doing this for six years, suffered a miscarriage together and who know what else. Have you much energy for a uncommitted continual relationship with him?
I cannot really speak for your situation, I don't know you enough. I do know that if you don't do something your feelings will only get worst and ultimately hurt your relationship. Perhaps you cannot really go on a separation or vacation. You may have to tinker with the plan, but don't play games. Go straight to the point with mission, and he should be clear on this. After 6 years, both of you well know each other by now. The dating period has been long over.
What Girls Said 1
I guess you need to have a damn good think,and decide if this is going to be a deal breaker or not.
Maybe you still have doubts or insecuritys over the break-up in the past and this is why its so important to have something "solid" like getting married.
I don't know,to me personally its just a bit of paper,but id have to be 100 perent no doubts about a person before I even considered it,so maybe HE has insecuritys about the past.
I guess for a lot of women marriage is a big dream in life,so maybe its just because its a natural step.
I think he might of hit the nail on the head when he said "its not a priority" for him,it just depends if one or both of you can compremise.