Cousin got engaged. Should I tell her what I know about her fiance? Or should I let them be?

About 5 years ago my hubby's bestfriend, Al, met my cousin at a party. They started sleeping together, then started dating and got engaged over the Christmas holidays.

Recently my hubby told me about a lot of things about Al I didn't know. We went out and we were a bit tipsy when we got home and started talking about how annoying my cousin is with her wedding planning. She is quite annoying, but she's my cousin so I obviously care about her.

my hubby blurted out "I can't believe he's actually marrying her, I didn't even know he liked her". I asked him what he meant, and he told me that the entire time they were dating Al always went out with other girls (he wouldn't say if he cheated or not). He always complained about my cousin, how annoying she is, he said he's not even attracted to her, all kinds of things. Whenever she would stay at his place she'd turn it into a zoo, she was dirty, lazy and had no personality. This is what Al always talked about. He said he was really shocked When Al told him last year he wanted to propose to my cousin. My husband tried to talk him out of it, but Al wouldn't listen because he didn't want to start dating all over again since we're 33 now (he's 34, my cousin and I are 33). He also said he feels bad for my cousin and he couldnt just leave her after all thse years. It was horrible to hear all this I never really knew he felt this way about my cousin. I could tell they never really had much in common. My cousin and I used to be closer but since she started dating Al it meant I Had to see her more and she's actually annoying and I had to stop talking to her so much cus she drives me crazy.

I just don't know what to do? Should I say anything to her or just mind my own business and let them get married. The wedding she's planning so far is kind of insane and childish.. I feel like it's their mess but my girlfriends said I should say something since she's my cousin.

Updates:
I should also add though that the past year they seemed a lot happier together. They were never like this before so I'm wondering if maybe Al just felt like this before and feels differently now. is that possible for a guy to change how he feels about someone? maybe he just never was serious about her but now that he's serious he's happier? I'm so confused.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I probably wouldn't say anything if i were you. If you say that they have been happier over the last year (and since Al agree to marry her in the first place) i think that he actually has changed his feelings for her. But if the marriage doesn't work you can tell me "i told ya so!" :P

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What Guys Said 3

  • normally I would say no but someone needs to talk to someone. whether it's you and your dude talking to the Al or perhaps talking to the cousin but this sounds pretty terrible.

    I wouldn't say anything to the girl right away without confirming for sure that what your bf said Al told him was fact or perhaps just male bravado (often times guys will downplay feelings for a girl with another guy).

    but it does sound like the issue should be addressed because based on what you described your cousin is in for a world of trouble. I imagine the guy Al will continue to see other women

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  • Yes you should tell her, but the question you have to ask yourself is would your cousin even believe you? And yes men can change their feelings about someone.

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  • I would probably stay out of it. You may end up being "the bad guy."

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What Girls Said 6

  • He might be exaggerating how bad his relationship is to keep his options open - that if somebody better comes along they won't be afraid to hit on her. Also he may have cheated on her in the past but now that he wants to settle down and have a family and possibly and / or children - I think he will straighten up and stop acting the way that he did before. Let them be. He is ready to get married and she has waited so long for this to happen. Don't end this for her.

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  • I personally wouldn't. I know your heart is in the right place for being morally concerned as she's family. If it were your sister i think i would think differently. But it isn't the most straight forward case from the sounds of it, and to be honest she is probably marrying him for the same sake of worrying about not meeting someone new also. Being that you are trying to keep her out of your life and this will drag her in it which will bring their drama to your door step. I wouldn't personally feel obliged to tell her something unless i had concrete evidence otherwise it just stirs everything up. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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    • Quit honestly I'm leaning towards not saying anything. But all my girlfriends were insisting I say something since she's my cousin. But exactly what you said is exactly what I Feel. I really don't need her in my life. You know the saying "if you don't have something good to say, don't say anything"? Well she's exactly the opposite. I know she's desperate to get married too. I think I just needed confirmation from someone to tell me not to say anything because everyone else was saying the oppsite. thanks.

    • Your welcome i know the feeling! A Colleague from a past job once gave me this really good advice i am going to pass it onto you, cause it really helped me: Always go with your very first instinct, not the second or after you digested the thought i mean the very first one. Its sometimes hard to remember the very first thing we think about someone or a situation, but when you think back to bad relationships and events your first instinct mostly turns out to be the truth. So your first gut reaction tends to be the right one.
      I once went out on a few dates with a guy who i got the sense was indecisive about women. After a few weeks of finding him so attractive that first instant thought got buried under a rubble or 'hes so amazing!' It turned out he ditched me for a really young Girl. Anyway cut along story short and your first thought is usually right, so follow your heart with what it says at the very beginning :)

    • You're so right about that and I've had that happen to me in the past when I would date. :)

  • Such a tricky spot to be in. To tell or not you tell. Personally, I wouldn't tell her. One, she may resent you and not believe you. Two, AL may not feel the way he did before about her. As you said in your update that they seem happier. In any situation you want to be cautious as to what you say. It may or may not bite you in the butt!

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  • If he keeps doing the same thing.. Let her know..

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  • I wouldn't say anything at all. They will hate you for it if you do.

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  • Personally, I would just let what eber happens happen. My husband and I have had several friends in the past who had spent years with each other, neither if them seeming happy, and then decide to get married. We've tried talking them out of it because we've seen how unhealthy the relationships were. But despite advise. They did it anyway. One marriage only lasted about 2 1/2 months.
    So really, if your sister is as annoying and childish as you make her out to be. I doubt she would listen to you anyway. She'll probably do what she wants. and she'll hopefully either get lucky and be happy or have to learn from her own mistakes.

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