I need help. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding, but my husband is not invited! What should I do?

Just as the title says - one of my best friends wants me to be part of her wedding party, but my husband isn't invited at all. As in, she doesn't want him there for some reason (she hasn't said why). Everybody else is allowed to bring a date.

We've been together for nearly 4 years, but we got married almost 3 months ago so he is my *new* husband and she knows this. I'm pretty sure she's being a total bridezilla about the whole thing and it hurts my feelings that he's not allowed to be there. Funnily enough, my invite says I am allowed a plus 1. So I can bring a date, it just better not be my husband.

I'm not really sure what to do. It's a question of social etiquette for sure. Do I go without him and be alone the whole time? Do I decline and potentially ruin a friendship that has lasted since high school? Do i just bring him anyways? She was at my wedding with her fiance and I invited both of them.

Updates:
I should clarify things and say that she told me she doesn't want him there because she doesn't really like him. They have no history together and in fact he has no history with anyone who is going to be there.
Thanks for all your answers everyone. 😊

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Most Helpful Guy

  • That's pretty petty of her considering she won't really have too much to do with him the entire day. Its not like he would be in the forefront or anything and him being there is going to ruin her day or anything?

    I would say she is not a very good friend then, if she puts you in that kind of position where you have to ask your husband to stay home.

    If you feel you must attend then I would go, but go alone... and only go if you and your husband have worked it out and he is okay with it.

    On another note... you are only obligated to fulfill staying for certain parts of your friends wedding though... so once the vows, reception and first dance are done, if I were you, I would call your husband and go out the rest of the evening with him :) Your dressed up and beautiful, there is no reason why he can't get dressed-up to, and pick you up so you can enjoy the rest of the evening with him!

    Just be sure all the wedding pictures are taken and then split... hahaha

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    • lol! I suppose I could just tell my friend to shove it, take the dress (it's quite a nice one that she picked out) and wear it on a hot date with my husband.

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    • Have a great date and thanks for the MH, Cheers!

    • Totally agree you should just refuse to go to the wedding if she's gonna be petty like that. He's your husband for Christs sake not just some friend he should be able to go too

What Guys Said 31

  • That's messed up if you ask me. Also this is your HUSBAND, not some rando dude you're just seeing at the moment. Unless they have some personal conflict it's really not her place to decide who your +1 is. That takes a whole lot of nerve actually. I've been to a bunch of weddings the last few years, and honestly, the bride and groom were the ones I interacted with the least. They were all busy being the stars of the show and making the rounds, they usually only stopped by our table once and we saw each other a couple times in passing, and all conversations were soon interrupted by some Aunt Edna coming up and talking to them. Unless there's some volatile history with your husband and her or someone else who will be attending that could erupt into a scene there's really no cause to exclude him. "I don't really like him" doesn't fall under that umbrella. Like everyone else here pretty much said, all you can really do is talk to her, and explain that this guy is your FAMILY, like him or not, and not inviting him without legitimate cause is pretty disrespectful to you as a friend.

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    • She's not budging so I told her I'm not going. Time to cut this toxic relationship out of my life!

    • Good move. You and your husband are a package deal. That's where your loyalties should and do lie. 👍

  • So your plus one is supposed to be what, some friend of hers that she didn't bother to invite but sort of likes?

    Is she completely insane?

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    • Quite possibly. She has shown her true colours, that's for sure. I don't have a whole lot of friends and it looks like I lost yet another one over something stupid.

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    • Yep, I think so. She just texted me and said I'm being selfish and petty. Gave me a good laugh.

    • I feel bad for her fiancee.

      His nightmare is just beginning.

  • Sorry but he is your husband. I Know that "Friend" has different meanings to men and women. But if she was a "friend" she would never put you in this situation. It is her wedding. she won't even interact with him or even see him.
    You need to stand behind your husband. If you don't you can seriously damage your relationship. If my wife took the side of a friend over me I would assume there is no possible way she can love me. If she is going to toss me aside for some "friend", and I am Family, what is going to happen if we ever have hard times? I would know that I could never trust you and I could never count on you to back me up.
    this is not your boyfriend anymore. this is your husband. For better or worse, richer or poorer... Family
    Family beats "friend" every time.
    A guy would tell his friend to suck his cock and he is either bringing his woman or not coming...

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    • I've just concluded that she is a bitch who doesn't deserve my friendship. My husband and I aren't attached at the hip and we have our own social lives, and we go places without each other often. But the fact that she said she doesn't want him there on purpose is crazy.

      I'm taking the dress I had to buy and can't return, and using it for a nice date night out with my husband, all while deleting this bitchy chick from my life.

    • You don't have to be joined at the hip. It is good to do things apart sometimes. But that was not the issue in this case. If she had invited both of you, but lets say it was in another state or a destination wedding, then maybe because of finances or job commitments you just go alone because of costs or whatever. That is WAY different then her saying "he isn't invited because I don't like him, but you can bring someone I don't know at all.." wow.. how do you deal with that kind of crazy.
      I think you found the only way you can deal with it. Good for you. Too bad about the dress. Guys have it so much better when it comes to weddings...

  • Bringeth three thy husband nondespite this 'bridezilla.' Maybe they dated sometime in the past? Something silly like that, for sure.

    So just do the +1 thing and get it over with. What is she going to do, get security to toss him out?

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    • They have no history with each other. She actually used to date my younger brother and he's invited.

    • Must be SOMETHING like that, she wouldn't exclude him for NO reason! Maybe someone else there has a history with your new husband?

  • She's being a total bridezilla. What's wrong with you bringing him and introducing him to people? Nothing. That's life.

    I could MAYBE understand if he was boyfriend/boy + 1, but he's your HUSBAND.

    As in, you JUST WENT THROUGH THIS SAME PROCESS three months ago to get this dude!

    Stand up for you man!

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    • Yeah there's nothing wrong with it at all. He's lots of fun and good with people. But she's being weird about it.

    • Maybe she wakes up with a horse head in her bed? I don't know.

      ITALIAN STYLE

  • Well if she doesn't want him there he shouldn't go. So that leaves the question: Do you want to be part of a wedding where your husband is specifically persona non grata. That's a tough one. But assuming there's no justifiable excuse for your friend to have such strong negative opinions about your husband, I would probably lean toward not wanting to be a part of something he specifically wasn't allowed to attend.

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  • did she specifically say that he can't come? or was he simply not invited? often times people don't invite spouses because they presume that they will come as a +1.

    If she specifically said that she didn't want him there I think you just have to have a conversation with her. Just simply say I feel uncomfortable about going to a wedding without my husband. Everyone else will be there with their partners and I don't really understand why my partner should be excluded and I therefore have to go alone.

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    • She told me she doesn't want him there so that puts me in a weird position.

    • do they have a bad history? do you know why she wouldnt' want him there?

      I think you are in a really awkward position and kind of an unfair one. but there has to be a legit reason why a close friend (close enough to ask you to be a bridesmaid) would ask that your partner not be there. And I think because it's her wedding day that you need to try and respect her request...

      if it's as simple as "something she doesn't like about him" perhaps you could say. he's a really great guy and perhaps if you got to know him better you might feel more comfortable with him. then maybe suggest that you all try and hang out so she can perhaps get to know him better

  • If I was you and a friend invited me, but not my husband I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Because she doesn't respect your husband, and in turn doesn't respect you, so I recommend you don't go and stop talking to this so called friend of your's.

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  • I would make her choose instead.
    Would explain that now that you're married you're a couple, so "he's in the package". So that she might have to choose on having both or none.
    Not in a blunt way ofc.
    How she react to that might be a good indicator to if the friendship is worth to keep or not.

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  • I would speak with her about it and tell her how you feel. Just be straight up about it.

    The way I personally feel, if she ends up sticking to her guns that your husband may not attend, then you don't go either.

    In that instance, it's actually HER that's potentially ruining the friendship, not you.

    I would just say something to the effect of, "(friend's name), I really want to be a part of your special day. We've been good friends for so long, and I'm just so happy for you! I'm really confused, though. It seems like my husband is purposefully uninvited to the wedding, and if that's the case, then I'm really hurt by it. What's going on? Because if my husband is disallowed from attending, then regretfully I won't be able to come, and that'd be heartbreaking."

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  • I can understand if it was just you invited and u weren't able to bring a +1 at all. I understand how weddings can be expensive and how seating can be limited.

    But the fact that you CAN bring a +1, but your HUSBAND can't be that +1?

    I frankly would side with your husband if I were you. I would DEMAND the bride, to tell you why your husband isn't allowed to be your #1.

    ----

    If the answer u get is understandable, then be in the wedding.

    If she doesn't give u one, or continuously dances around the question... as hard as it may be to do, I'd refuse to be in, nor go to, the wedding.

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    • I asked her and she basically said that it's because there's something about him that she doesn't like, and she only wants people she likes there. And that was it.

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    • It absolutely sucks that your supposed friend put u in such a position! :-/

    • There is NO reason that is understandable. it is her HUSBAND.
      and the reason she received was complete horseshit.
      During my wedding there were a lot of people I only saw briefly. you can tell him to just stay clear of the bride. But make sure you spend time with your husband.

  • ugh... i guess that was rude of her...

    better don't go anyway.

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  • I look at it this way, If I am invited to something and I learned that my wife was not welcome, I would consider the notion that I am not welcome either. Can't take one without the other. Her and I are a package deal. Extend welcome to both of us or not at all.

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    • Right! I've decided not to go and she got mad, but whatever. I took it as a sign that she's not interested in being my friend anymore.

    • Yeah, That's how I would read into it.

  • I'll go with you.. jk unless it's open bar.

    Ask her why he can't come. If there's no explanation, kindly refuse.

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    • She kind of avoided the question but basically said it's because she doesn't like something about him. Complete bullshit reason if you ask me. She can't deal with seeing him for only 2-3 hours I guess.

    • Forget her. Husband > friend

  • I think that's horrible what she's doing to your husband
    i would almost decline her invitation or pull a no show on her
    if i had a girlfriend / wife.. who wasn't allowed to a wedding i was
    invited to i would not go myself.. I do think she's being way too
    judgmental towards your husband and i can feel it just by what
    you said and I'm sorry but i think she owes you a true explanation
    instead of beating around the bush about things but i hope this
    works out good for you , it makes me wonder about people.

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    • I already decided that I'm not attending. I'm cutting her out of my life and she's trying to tell me that I'm the selfish one here. I don't need people like that in my life.

    • Well done! I believe your making the right decision..
      i had few people i cut out of my life simply cause of
      their actions.

  • Yes, she is being a bridezilla. She doesn't sound like much of a friend for putting you in a tough situation like that, especially since you didn't do that to her. What are you gonna tell your husband? Maybe you should just make up some excuse not to go to the wedding (pretend to be sick or something).

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  • Don't go. She's insulting both you and your husband, and apparently singling you out specifically among all guests. That's not being a good friend to you.

    If my best friend asked me to do something for him, then said "oh, by the way, your mom's a bitch." I'd tell him to fuck off.

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  • I wouldn't go. Simple as that.

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  • That's an absurd request. Just decline.

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  • Don't go, she isn't being fair, there's no way if your husband acted like a normal human he could ruin the wedding. She's being a bitch, saying you can "bring someone just not your husband", she doesn't respect your marriage and just isn't a good friend. It shouldn't matter if she likes your husband or not. You love him and as a friend she should accept that, not fight it.

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  • If she did't told you the reason, then you should give Importance to these things
    1) Her fiance came to your your wedding (40%)
    2) Personal Issue (30%)
    3) Bridezilla (20%)
    4) Others people Issue (10%)

    If it's personal issue and bridezilla, then you have to decide between your hubby and best friend.. In my case I will choose my best friend and hide it from my wife..

    If it's bridezilla and other people's issue then probably I will not attain wedding because my best friend considering other people's feelings more than mine

    If its bridezilla and her fiance came to your wedding, then don't be so adamant and attain her wedding with your husband..

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    • I would never choose her over my husband honestly, now that she's show what kind of person she really is.

    • I don't know, what's her issue with your husband but if its your husband mistake and If I was there in your place then I will never ever give up on my childhood friendship and will try to solve issue between them..
      I don't know, but I don't easily loose my friends/relatives unless it's their mistake..
      If it's her fault then you are right..

    • I don't think there's anyone at fault here. It's just a question of etiquette. It's not really a childhood friendship either, I met her in grade 12 so I was like 17. My priorities lay with my relationship now and not with my friends. I do love my friends, but I'm not planning my future with them.

  • That's... Uh... That's really rude actually. I don't think she deserves your friendship if she's not willing to put up with your husband being there.
    How is he possibly going to mess up the wedding?

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  • That's really weird and not in a good way. I'm not really sure why you would even want to be friends with someone like that. I would politely decline.

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  • Your friend sounds very rude. If you where in your husbands shoes, would you want him to go and not you go?

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  • It seems you need a better friend. What bitch asks a friend to be in her wedding party, but to not allow her husband - someone she's never met - to the wedding?

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    • If it's early enough - there's a lot of time before the big day - then I would respectfully decline the honor of being in her wedding. If she can't respect your husband, then she doesn't respect you. The fact that she would put you in this position is just wrong. Tell her that you don't feel right to be in her wedding if your husband can't be there to help celebrate her big day.

  • Friendship lesson #1: We go all or we go not at all. (:
    Somebody might catch the reference ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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  • Tell her to F off. That's insane. Why the hell would she put you in that position?

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  • Regardless Of Her Reason, I Believe She Is Wrong. If Your Husband Is Not Invited, Tell Her How You Feel, If She Doesn't Change Her Mind, Kindly Tell Her, For This Reason, I Am Declining To Be A Bridesmaid In Your Wedding.

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  • Hey you. You are smart as a whip and I will give you the answer that YOU would give. Don't go. Your loyalty first lies with your husband. She is being disrespectful to you as well and this is not right. A real friend would be mature enough to handle having the better half of someone they are not fond of. Long live maple syrup my tall pretty friend and enjoy the spring.

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    • Hey there, thanks. I can always count on you for a good opinion :)

    • You're always welcome tall drink of water :)

  • I wouldn't go. I would tell her that if the respects you enough to make you her bridesmaid, then she should have enough decency to invite your partner.

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What Girls Said 10

  • Seriously? She knows you're married but you aren't allowed to bring your husband? That's bullshit. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't even want to go or be a part of a wedding in which my husband was not invited. That's just rude since she is allowing you a "plus 1" but it can't be your husband.

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  • First, it might be best being hubby is Your Main 'Best friend' and Soul mate, to discuss the not so mild matter over with him and sees what he thinks and how he feels With------So I can bring a date, it just better not be my husband.
    And even if hubby wouldn't object or could care less about putting on a monkey suite and going, it sounds like You yourself, musicbrain5, would find this unethical, rude and not right, nor justified Because-----She really doesn't like him.
    Do some serious soul searching before you even Commit yourself to being her bridesmaid. I feel myself she is being a bit harsh, not the least bit fair, and I would not think she would Expect you to have some other schmo from Idaho by your side on her special day anyway...
    If hubby doesn't like the way this smells in Denmark and he doesn't want you to take this job because she doesn't want his presence known there, then tell her I am sorry, I can't do it unless my Better half is by my side. It is a shame she is making you the monkey in the middle with all of this.
    And if it stands he is leaving the choice up to you, not caring either way, then it is up to you to decide to if you want to really be with someone whom I find is not really this true blue Bestie but a Fair weather friend instead.
    Good luck. xx

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  • Being that you are a married couple, it is inappropriate to invite one and exclude the other. Unless your husband goes with you you should respectfully decline the invitation yourself. Reason, your first allegiance should be your husband not friends.

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  • Well first question is - did she and her partner go to your wedding?

    I would say to her - "I'm flattered of your offer, however I can't come if my husband can't - you'll understand after your big day. Just because you don't know him very well doesn't mean he's a bad person. And that you can't get to know him. I respect your friendship, but you clearly don't respect my marriage or don't understand what marriage means to me, so I don't want to come to yours"

    When you marry I'm not saying you are joined at the hip, you are still independent, but, social occasions (especially weddings) both halves go. It's like your parents being married and then only inviting your mum to your wedding. No they go together and less you have a sodding good reason.

    Okay you might potentially ruin a friendship - but she potentially ruined it by saying she doesn't want your husband there and would rather you took someone else.

    What does your husband say?

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    • They both came to our wedding and it was fine. And yeah, it's weird to invite only half of a married couple, or even a long term couple. My husband says she is being a bitch, lol.

    • Well, I would just say how you feel and say you invited them both, she should be as polite. It's like only inviting half of your children (if you had any). You just don't - all or nothing.

  • Don't go without him or decline until she's upfront with you as to why she doesn't want him to go. If there's a perfectly good reason then go without him if you're comfortable. If it's a petty matter, then decline being in her wedding.

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    • It's definitely a petty reason which is why I'm leaning towards backing out.

  • I would say she's being a bit rude. Tell her thanks but no.

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  • Wait, did she flat out tell you that he wasn't allowed to come? Because if so, that's pretty rude and unfair of her. Does she have issues with your husband? I'm not understanding why he wouldn't be allowed. Not only are you invited, but you're apart of it! So of course you'd want your hubby there.

    I'd definitely have a talk with her about it. Because not for nothing, she at least owes you an explanation.

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    • She actually expressed to me that she doesn't want him there and when I asked why, she kind of skirted around the question.

    • Wow. Ok then if it were me, I'd bring him still. And then when she asks why I'd just skirt around giving her an answer.

  • Well he is your husband, so that's something she should respect. She doesn't have to interact with him but as respect towards you I would think she'd at least let you invite him. he's not just anyone. I'd stick by my guy.

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  • Well that's rude. She's told you specifically that she doesn't want him there? I can't imagine why, but I would definitely find out what the issue is with him attending before deciding anything. I really don't think I'd go though if someone is being so irrational as to exclude my spouse for no good reason. You guys are a package deal for this kind of thing. Some friend.

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  • You deserve at least an explanation as to why he cannot come. If she refuses to give it to you, I wouldn't go if I were you.

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