Conflicting religious beliefsl: JUST ENGAGED?

I recently became engaged to my girlfriend (fiancee now) who I have been with for over a year. We truly are great together, we love each other unconditionally, have been through so much together, and have always been on the same page with our goals, expectations, and communication. She really is my rock and best friend along with the love of my life.

However, we now face a problem we never did before. Our religions. I am Jewish, she is Greek-Orthodox. I come from a mixed-faith home where my mom is Roman Catholic and my dad is Jewish. At the time of their marriage, even though my mom came from a pretty religious home, religion was more important to keep for my dad- so they agreed for us to be raises Jewish but still celebrate all religious holidays. The discussion of who might officiate our wedding (which is way way down the road, 2 years+) I brought up perhaps having a priest and a rabbi - to meet both affiliations in a way that the ceremony is not overwhelmed with religion but just the right touch. She was not open to the idea, and asked how I felt about having a rabbi period. I said I would rather have a rabbi than not, but if she is not comfortable or does not want to have one then we will not. She says religion makes her uncomfortable and talking about it makes her upset. She basically shut down on me with this discussion, even though I told her I would not ever make her do something she does not want to do -especially in this context. It just worries me about how we can resolve this, and it also worries me about the future in regards to faith and raising our own family. Do we get a 3rd party involved? I feel if I approach it anymore she will continue to be upest with me. She tends to get hot-headed and not listen to me if she feels upset about something. I did not say anything wrong, I expressed how I felt and offered absolutely no pressure on the subject. But if she does not feel strongly about a religion, and I do more so,


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think that you should be firm in making sure that your beliefs are respected and acknowledged as well as hers. It's not fair to you if she shuts down, especially when you're trying to compromise with her.

    You may want to seek third party help, many ministers recommend marriage counseling before they'll actually perform a wedding, so that might help a bit.

    If she's already putting up communication barriers though, that'd be a red flag for me.

    Also, as far as any children that you may have, I'd make sure that they're aware of both of your beliefs and left to choose what they want to believe for themselves.

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What Girls Said 5

  • i didn't read it.

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  • This is an issue that can truly break a marriage or an engagement. You need to have a serious discussion and ask her why it bothers her so much. It's definitely going to come up many times in your marriage, especially when children get involved.

    I do think it would be easier to go to a therapist about this. She may open up there.

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  • Once again, religion complicates something. Do you love her more than religion? Ridiculous question you're asking. Sounds like your parents made it work.

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  • education could help. I had a friend who has father was Jewish. If she is not exposed by other religion, it could bother her for a while. there is nothing you can do about it but it will take time. If you can bring her jewish parties or cerebration, that will do good. I love jewish food. It's very rich and favorable. And jewish bread is heaven. Feed her and make her have some fun will open up some way to other culture.

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  • Don't marry her. It will only get worse as time goes on.

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What Guys Said 5

  • You are lost and seem to take the important things as a after thought. First you cannot love her unconditionally there are conditions to marriage spelled out in the vows.

    You see religion as an option and quite possible in your life it is, but a Chatholic church will require all the children be brought up in the Church and the same is true of the Jewish faith, you cannot ask and bring to different schools of thoughts to a formal proceeding. Your thinking is like a Black woman and White man marring and the Black woman wants Al Sharpton who seems to hate whites and the White man wants David Duke head of the KKK to precide at the marriage. Your thinking is flawed.

    Don't get married, you are both clueless.

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    • Not clueless, many times (including my parents and other friends and family) had a priest and rabbi officiate the wedding, it happens. Thanks for the thoughtful and sage advice though,

  • A year is nothing. You don't even know her yet, and probably won't until 4 years.
    Her "shutting off" rather than wanting to resolve issues is a bad sign. Getting hot headed and not listening when you've been calm and not offensive is another bad sign.

    Unless you can both give up religion (not a bad idea), you WILL have to reach an agreement about the religion of any possible children. If one or the other seems to making a great sacrifice to reach that agreement, it probably won't won't work.

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  • Avoid talking about religion if she reacts like that. What if you hire someone else to say the words in the wedding, like a non religious guy (maybe a ceremony master). I've seen this before actually.

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  • "who I have been with for over a year."

    Not even.

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  • "She tends to get hot-headed and not listen to me if she feels upset about something."
    And you're engaged to her? Good luck... Hopefully you don't have kids together. What religion are they going to be raised under? The problems have only begun.

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