Why do you think so many men are losing interest in marriage while women are gaining interest in it?

Question

"According to Pew Research Center, the share of women ages eighteen to thirty-four that say having a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives rose nine percentage points since 1997--from 28 percent to 37%. For men, the opposite occurred. The share voicing this opinion dropped, from 35 percent to 29 percent." Why?
  

I'm curious why people tink this is true as it is a fascinating subject and does really provide a fascinating discussion about the realtions between both genders in modern day Western countries (I'm assuming the rest of the English speaking West (Canada, UK, Ireland, Australia etc.) is in a similar position).

What will be the side effects of this?

Will this trend continue?

Why do you think this is happening?

Ozanne · Accepted Answer

Guys who are aged between their teens to their 20s were raised by my generation who have chosen to get married based on flippant, weak reasons that were based on nothing short of lust. My generation married for the wrong reasons and quickly learned that good marriages were not based on physical attraction and good sex. So what did [we] do? We ended up staying in these poor marriages for approximately 10 or so years because the generation before us [our parents] stayed married through thick and thin and rarely divorced. So long as not to disappoint our parents, my generation tried holding on to their weak marriages to try and show their parents that they tried.

Meanwhile, the marriage that lasted about that long created difficulties. Marriages produced children who lived to an age to see and understand terrific damage was being done through the courts. These kids (the generation of kids *my* generation is raising) became quite bitter watching how dad got roasted in court and mom became less attentive in the house because now she was trying to work AND look for another possible mate - something the kids resented, but with lonely mom in the picture also needing her *ahem* personal needs met and hoped to find a guy to complete the family nucleus, both mom and dad's divorce made guys bitter about marriage. Girls however, still dreamed of hope.

So here we are with my generation scratching their heads saying in their own way, "Look I need to be happy to you know" whether it's the man or woman, the child is then despondent, and grows in to a resentful person when it comes to marriage and just toward women in general. The mothers took their fathers for everything and made no apology for it, while getting right back on the saddle and tried to date again, thinking it would make the kids happy to have a new man in the house. No one wins.

Had my generation just used their heads and not married the first person to come along who they found goodlooking but had not a whole lot else in common to make it a true, loving, lasting marriage, and had they NOT sat there in their unhappy marriages thinking holding on will make things better or stayed for the kids, then the courts wouldn't have recognized that there was MORE to be doled out by the dads and more commitment toward the kids for child support (depends on where you live), then maybe a lot of you guys would have been born in happier, stable homes where marriages actually worked and lasted to improve your outlook.

Darkfairie17 · Accepted Answer

I think the reason it's not as popular for men is primarily due to money. Not because of divorce, but the wedding itself.

When my parents got married, my mom only spend 200 bucks on her wedding dress. That was a lot of money at the time. But now a days you would be spending easily 1000 dollars on a dress. Plus a cake, decorations, renting tables and linens, food, dj, and the list just goes on. Weddings are much more of a production than they were when my parents got married. My parents basically got married in a church. Only 10 people attended and my mom and dad both only had 1 person in their wedding party each.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a nice wedding, but it's so costly. Mostly women are the one's who plan the wedding. Maybe the groom has some input, but I think there's more put on the woman to do the planning and what not. The average wedding now costs almost 30000 bucks I heard a few years ago. That's crazy!

A lot of people would rather just live together in common law.

Now, not saying you need a huge fancy wedding. But I think a lot of guys probably fear that and it's moving them away from marriage.

Plus the ring. Ring's are freakin' expensive too! And it's usually the guy who is responsible for buying the engagement ring.

With the economy in bad shape and young people of marrying age having a harder time finding good paying job, I am not surprised that for men, wanting to get married is less of a priority.

I can see for women how it would be more of a priority. Two incomes are far better than one. It certainly helps to afford rent and groceries if you have two people bringing in a paycheck than if there was only 1 person.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

C basically

this stupid lifestyle in the west is destroying everyone and everything, more destructive to women
labeling things as "freedom" "empowerment" "strong"... etc
when its everything but !

making women more promiscuous and teaching them to be easier and cheaper than dirt and pretend like they are horny pigs all the time
when this is not the nature of women

in turn, men dont see any reason to commit, he can just look her direction and she is naked at his feet begging for attention... he doesn't even have to be in a relationship with her !!

this is draining for women even more than men, they are playing a role that is not for them and the media labels it as "empowerment" thinking that it makes it easier for men to get more and get it easier... when its ALSO hurting men!
men too want to settle down one day, too many women can confuse a man and damage his self esteem too even !
too many heartbreaks, break ups, one night stands, having sex with your clothes on while dancing in public, promiscuous behaviour... etc it scars... it scars bad and IS REALLY DAMAGING for both parties

people are so detached and cold these days, relationships are so complicated and just a biiiig hassle, true love is going extinct, real ladies\gentlemen are slowly going extinct as well
people are just lost...

i hate this age/generation... with a passion

hellionthesage · Accepted Answer

Thats not true. If that where the case men would never have wanted to get married. The article you presented pretty much said it all. Men are being forced out of marriage by laws that favor women (Its been shown that the courts are bias and not just do to making less money, only 3% of men get alimony despite 40% of house holds have the woman as the primary breadwinner, and when a woman does have to pay child support they, nearly 50% of the time, don't) Women are also responsible for most divorces, in that they file more frequently then men (about 80%) the most sited reason being no fault. The fact is men can lose everything in this society and as the article pointed out we are essentialy shamed and ridiculed in most media. Further more we live in a hypersexualized society which makes women and men more promiscuis. This has negative consequences as all studies show this increases instability within relationships, marital discord and increased rates of divorce. The effects are more prominent in women then men. So a man does not wish to get married to a woman who is promiscuis due to, whether or not he realizes it, these factors. Then the fact that he can have sex for free, he really has no need to court and date a woman to get it allowing him to fullfill his sexual needs without having to take the risk of marriage. Society itself has become very anti-male (even in schools women are far more likely to stay in school and 60% of all college graduates are women, despite this there are still programs designed to incetivise women to go to college and none for men) Then we have destroyed gender dynamics so instead of one person being the bread winner and one focusing on home and family we have men primarily being the bread winner, but the woman is also working so when both get home all the tasks which could have been done by one are now forced upon both so both are now working more then before (statisticly men still, taking into account work, house work, child rearing, work more overall then women) so now both are burnt out and that also adds to the burden rather then eases it. One could also argue with the attempt to "remove" gender roles (I find its rather one sided favoring women) it also makes women seem less feminine and by extention less mother material. If she is focused on career then that forces the husband to not despite his biological dispositions. So both parties become unhappy and quite frankley Its just not worth it.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I didn't vote, because all of the above are factors.

The biggest change, though, is that marriage used to provide men some pretty big benefits that most men couldn't get any other way, and the same for women. But since the late 1960s and especially since the 80s, women can get most of the benefits of marriage without being married (and STAYING married), and so can men. The difference, then, are the remaining benefits that still require marriage, and the priorities men and women put on them.

Men are defined by their careers and the money/status/security that brings, while women are defined by their relationships, and so these things are usually the top priority for each sex. Looking at this, it should be very easy to see why modern marriage is far less attractive to men than women - for women, they're still getting the "top level relationship" that is the defining part of their life, but men aren't getting anything they value nearly as highly that they can't get elsewhere (even from the same person without being married).

And the penalties for men when it comes to divorce are MUCH higher than for women, generally,

Finally, the ease that you can get a divorce today means that few people take marriage seriously in the first place - many accept that making a poor choice simply means the "inconvenience" of a divorce - so they don't take the process seriously, and often get married on a whim to someone they barely know, or worse, get married to someone they already know they don't have long-term compatibility with.

Marriage became important because for thousands of years, a families wealth, titles, and holdings could only be passed down to a LEGITIMATE heir - meaning a child born of wedlock. Children fathered outside of a marriage were BASTARDS and could not inherit. These rules meant that marriages were taken seriously, as they would have a tremendous impact on your life - and divorce was virtually impossible.

But we've made divorce easy and, in most countries, have legally removed the concept of bastardy and legitimacy, and thus have greatly devalued marriage itself.

pnl86 · Answer

One thing that's starting to worry (really, just a euphemism for, "scaring") marco-economists now days is the trend that the "average age" of people getting married for the first time is starting to steadily increase.

20 years ago, early 20s was the norm.

Today, late 20s is considered "early," with early 30s being the new norm, but the trend actually moving towards the mid-30s.

The chief reason men do this is because "getting married is not free or cheap," and weddings are "expensive" in a day and age where "inflation" and "cost of living" outpace "real wage growth." So, men (and women) largely "defer" getting married until much later on in life (the report later talked about children, which we don't care much to talk about here).

I'm a big believer in "equilibrium."

You can try and squeeze the middle and lower classes, but when you try and suck them dry of "wealth," the the point where they're just "working to pay for themselves to be alive to show up for work the next day," there's simply not going to be enough left over for them to also "finance and raise the next generation of slave labor."

Now, as far as how this translates into dating... "incidentally" and of course, "unintentionally," if men are "not getting married earlier" ... that of course means... men are "still on the market" as they get "older." <-- THAT'S THE "PROBLEM" RIGHT THERE.

When men are "younger," their "value" in the dating marketplace is generally "less" (compared to those same men, just "older," more emotionally mature and stable, more financially secure, established, and stable).

Well, as the value of those men is "higher," a lot of them are simply not feeling like "settling." Why "settle down" when you can now "play around"? A lot of these guys were busy in school, becoming doctors or getting into top schools followed by top firms... they were nerds.

If they decided to "marry young," the women in their lives got a windfall. As an analogy, it's like exchanging a depreciating Bentley for 10 acres in Manhattan, before Manhattan was Manhattan. Great deal (for the person who exchanged the Bentley). Because the "10 acres of land" will just continue to appreciate in value. If the land-owner would have just "waited a few years," he could have gotten a lot more than a Bentley in exchange for that land.

Those are essentially the market forces that are making those statistics take place.

That, plus, MEN STAND TO GAIN NOTHING, AND LOSE MORE THAN HALF, FROM MARRIAGE.

Anonymous · Answer

I think it is pretty telling how women mostly voted for C. The only men that really have the option of sleeping around like that are the most desirable men otherwise known as players. The majority of guys couldn't be players if we wanted to be. There are plenty of guys that would settle for one woman, but those aren't the guys the women want to marry.

Women are pricing themselves out of marriage with unrealistic standards, while exaggerating the value she thinks she should have to men. For example when women have a one night stand they raise their standards, and assume the guy is too. They don't realize guys lower our standards for one night stands. This gives the woman too much value in her own sex appeal.

If she does date an average guy, she is so full herself that she becomes the girlfriend from hell. They act like they are sexual goddesses that can get men to do anything they want. So in the end I would say it is their over entitled bad personalities that are driving men away from wanting to be married.

oddwaffle · Answer

You forgot one important reason: there is no longer a need toget married. Why do people get married?

To be happy? No, happy people get married. Grumpy people don't get married. Marriage is the result of being happy with each other rather the cause.

To save money? Unless the woman is not making a lot of money, you get a tax penalty for getting married. Before, women were like CFO and COO. They stay home, they managed the financial thing, they operates the home... etc while the husbands do the CEO thing, presses, sales pitches, declaring stuff... Now people make enough to live on their own.

To have kids? There is the Turkey blaster thing and online sperm market. Women don't need a man to have their own kids as long as they are financially secured. Men who want kids can get married but a lot of them feel they are not ready for marriages or kids.

Finally, there is nothing to stop 2 people from living together as a couple. A lot of people just live together without getting married. It's like an extension of dating. They move in together, have kids, share their moments... Marriage is an after thought.

Anonymous · Answer

There are tons of reasons why men and women don't agree on marriage.

1.) Evolution: Women can only have a limited amout of children because we have a limited amout of eggs. Men can produce sperm from puberty until death. Women evolved to want to be monogamous so that they can have a loyal partner to help raise and protect the offspring. Men evolved to want to be polygamous and have as many children as possible. However, people can overcome human nature and men can be monogamous and women can be polygamous.

2.) Finances: Weddings are expensive today. You've got to pay for dresses, tuxes, makeup, hair, the venue, food, music, flowers, and more. They can cost thousands of dollars.

3.) Divorce: Usually in a divorce the woman comes out on top. In majority of dicorces the woman gets the longer end of the stick. Men can lose their kids, their pets, and their house. Some men aren't willing to risk losing everything.

3.) Gender Roles: From a young age most girls are taught to aspire to marriage. People give their daughters baby dolls, and have pretend weddings, and toys that look like kitchens and cleaning supplies. Little girls are taught to want to grow up and be a housewife. However we don't teach boys the same. So most girls have that idea of marriage somewhere in the back of their head and boys don't.

AleDeEurope · Answer

Men have much more to lose if the marriage goes wrong, and statistics show that 2/3 divorces are filed by women, and almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. Therefore, you have 50% of chances of getting divorce, 66% of being your wife the one who wants to get divorced, and around 90% of chances of paying alimony and not having full or half of the kid's custody... oh, and also losing half of your possessions, and in that is usually the house and the car.

If you think about it, it is discouraging. I've always wanted to get married in the future, but I think I'm gonna avoid that and just have the same relationship as a marriage, but without that tie.

Farmboybill · Answer

I paid CS for 26yrs. That effectively destroyed the best productive years of my life. By the time I was done, I was getting out of my daring years, not afraid to try to achive success. I was now reserved, more careful, more afraid of taking chances. willing to let whatever happened, happen.

I didn't have children with my first wife.
My second, a couple months after being married said, if she didn't get pregnant, she was getting a divorce. She got pregnant, and 2 months after my DD was born, she got a divorce.

My 3rd wife was already pregnant when we married her by someone else. I adopted my DD at birth. We had a boy between us, and she wanted another, but I said no. She divorced me after 14yrs,

SO, Although I can see that women who have children should be protected after divorce, I can also see the reluctance of men wanting to get married. Those men who have been through the wringer are quick to tell single men about their woes, and this is heard by them. ALSO, Fathers who have been through the wringer are quick to tell their sons about the dangers of marriage. Finally, those who have been in a bitter divorce , see first hand the realities of a bad marriage, and that there's no guarantee that they will have a successful marriage, and KNOW that the percentages are against them decide against their getting married.

Anonymous · Answer

I can get absolutely nothing from marriage, that I can't get without it.
When you've seen all of your friends; caring family fathers and hard working men providing for their families, be completely stripped by some mental cases that got bored, not even left with a shred of dignity or a set of balls, you start thinking it's not that great a deal.

I would love to marry a nice decent girl, really I would.
But no way I gambling everything on the odds of some chick going mental, stealing everything I worked for and abducting my kids, with the governments blessings.

I may be a hopeless romantic, but I'm no fool.

godfatherfan · Answer

Unfortunately people use divorce as the first option instead of fighting for relationships.
In my family we are very tight through first cousins and fairly tight through 3rd cousins. that is a couple hundred people. I only knew 1 person, my uncle, who was divorced of all them until I was in my 20's. unfortunately in the last few years my cousins and sister as well as myself are divorced. none were started by us. we learned you fight through things. If you truly were in love, then you can make it work. you both have to be willing to give to get.
too many want everything their way. Marriage doesn't work like that.

Kirah · Answer

Men are losing interest because the sexist divorce laws, alimony, and child support are too much. These men are probably just realizing that they have nothing to gain and everything to lose by marrying.

In the US and Canada, that is. Thankfully it's more sane in Europe.

oldlady · Answer

I think the pervasive impression that man are financially ruined by marriage and divorce is a big reason why some men would prefer to avoid being legally responsible to their wives. (For the record, divorced women live in poverty in the U. S. at rates some 3X higher than divorced men, so I'm not sure it's men who are being financially ruined by divorce.) It also occurs to men that men not listing marriage as "one of the most important" things in their lives doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to get married. The great majority of the men I dated in the past couple years planned to marry or re-marry, even the ones who felt like they'd gotten screwed over by their first wives.

lace1228 · Answer

I didn't read the article but I'm going to throw in my own two cents. I think plenty of people generally like the idea of finding someone, settling down and having a family. However I think people and I'm referring to both genders when I say this. Are turning away from marriage because the divorcee rate is ridiculous. More and more children are growing up in broken families and that's the reality of it. Society is also accepting this more then ever. Divorce was something that was once frowned a upon. People don't take marriage or vows or really any relationship seriously. Relationships are a full time job and take work everyday, people are always growing and changing and relationship need to grow and change too. The truth is I'm not the same person at 20 as I am at 30 and so my needs in a relationship at 20 is not the same as they are at 30. Anyways that's my opinion.

RationalMale · Answer

Men don't have any reason to marry, so why would they?

Men used to marry to have a companion, frequent sex, a family/home life, and because society required it unless you wanted to be some weird cad.

Now?

Sex? You don't need to marry to have sex, and if anything, refusing to marry seems better for your sex life. Just look at Spreadsheet man and all the cries of "a woman doesn't owe you sex just because you married her!"

Kids? You don't need to marry to have kids, and marriage is no promise you'll get to stick around kids. Women initiate 75% of divorces, and not over adultery or abuse.

Financially? Why marry? It just means you're screwed with alimony and division of assets if she gets bored or decides to cheat. Much safer to just have a girlfriend.

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's telling that the majority of women think the reason is because men are sluts and commitment averse, when 5 minutes listening to the averaging man would reveal that overwhelmingly, the reason is based on an unfair judicial system.

Oh Feminists? You girls who keep claiming you are all for equality? Where are you now? How goes your efforts to iron out the inequities in divorce law?

bombamboum · Answer

I voted "Other" because I don't have a define opinion on this, also it reflects on what happen in my country. I feel like not every couple do get married and some don't want laws involved. I see a lot of couple who work out well and I do know that men also want to settle in a relationship. Sure many people want to have fun while they are young but men like women like the idea of having a family.

I know that in my relationship my boyfriend is the one who want a marriage while I don't really find it important. I have a guy friend who really want to get married with his girlfriend. Many of my brother's best friends proposed this year and some are already getting married.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't think men are losing interest in marriage, society is. Religion & morals are being pushed out & the family structure is crumbling.

Its now acceptable to have children out of wedlock, hoes in every area code, multiple sexual partners without any commitments, cheating/marital affairs, marrying for tax purposes, divorcing your spouse just because, having children in hopes of winning a meal ticket etc. Everyone selfishly wants to do whatever they want without taking considerations how their actions will affect others.

Basically, living without structure leads to living carelessly without a purpose.

iamyourneighbor · Answer

Maybe some Men have become more selective about who they commit to. They still want to marry but I think they are just more careful. Some men just want to sleep around and they think of marriage as settling down and being trapped. I think there is more pressure on women in society to get married. Some women I know want kids and maybe that's where the eagerness comes from to get married for some women. Depending on where you live Marriage and divorce benefits some women more than men but this is not always true. Halle berry has to pay her ex husband money after they divorced.

Sinister · Answer

Marriage for me is still something that can happen or it won't. I'm not going to set a date for a goal and be like this, this is the time to get married for me. Life's fucked me up before. I'm more into just finding that connection, nurturing it, growing and communicating and just be a "US" and the timing has to be right to. Having a conflicting lifestlye or choice doesn't help. For me, I'm in that place where I think once school end once and for all and my career starts for the both of us THEN it will be something to talk about but still I'm more into making sure the chemistry and connection is strong before getting into marriage.

evenlift · Answer

The law is the worst factor. If men could easily leave bad marriages, they would be more willing to take a chance. But, certainly, feminism in general has damaged marriage and relationships in general.

Anonymous · Answer

If you marry for any reason other than true, lifelong love and the desire to be together as soul mates then you are marrying for the wrong reason in my opinion. It takes work to make true love work. Unfortunately most people just don't want to realize that.

Anonymous · Answer

Well, taking a peak at an article like this is kind of interesting:

Why do you think so many men are losing interest in marriage while women are gaining interest in it?

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